Many of you know, 2017 has put me in the ringer mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually over and over and over again. I have felt like I have been treading water in an endless sea of storms the entire freaking year. In December I became unemployed for the second time in 3 months. I have worked for appx one month since the month of September which means Marissa's finances = no bueno. And so here I was sitting in church, being prayed for, and God and I had a bit of a chat as well.
You see, I try to be a pretty positive person even though my nature is to be a "glass half empty" kinda girl. I usually can roll with the punches, and get back up again after setbacks with little trouble. But this year? Man. This year has been a whole different beast. My pastor was talking about how he wants our churches focus to be health in 2018- health spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. He talked about how God has called us to all of these things, and as we are a living temple for Him, it is our duty to take each of these areas of our lives very seriously. He encouraged us to take a minute and set goals, and think about how we honestly struggle in those areas.
As I sat there pondering over the past year, and how I want 2018 to be different ( this was NOT the first time I have done this.... I have been anxiously awaiting the new year for many months now) There was one word that kept coming to mind to describe my 2017:
Grief
I lost a lot of things this year, things that I can't even really put into words. And I sat in church today realizing just how angry at God I still am for where I am at right now. I realized how angry I am that I no longer can go to my job that I love, and because of one person's choices SO many people's lives that I love went to shreds in a matter of months, and the after effect dominoes are still falling more and more each day. I cried hard, heavy tears as I asked God why he called me to ministry only to have my entire life and everything that brought me joy and security completely ripped away from me. I cried wondering why I moved out of state again, only to long to be in Michigan every moment that I am stuck in Ohio. And as I sat there and cried, I didn't get any answers. I didn't even really get any comfort. I felt worse honestly. I felt angry and alone. (I know, this is probably not the "uplifting" Christian blogpost you were looking for today... my apologies.)
It's been a few hours since church, and my heart still feels depleted, but I came to my Starbs because it's where my heart processes best, simply trying to find a glimmer of what God may be teaching me through this intense season of pain. And these few brief thoughts came to mind as I sat here, it felt like Jesus whispered to my soul
"Rissa, I want you to learn to grieve."
I've always struggled with grief. I hate crying. I hate being sad. I hate it. I just want to forget things and be done. And yet, this year has held so much pain, I cannot simply push it away anymore. There is too much. I have to learn to release it. I have to learn to let it go, to let the pain ooze out, and heal.
God gave me a picture in church a few months ago. I was in a boat with Jesus, and unsinkable boat. Logically I knew it was unsinkable, but that didn't take away the fear. Waves could still crash in the boat, things could still break. But Jesus promised me we would get to the other side of the ocean if I just stayed calm, and let God steer the boat. I bravely nodded, and sat down. Well today? That picture came back to me at church again. Only this time? I was running around the boat like a crazy person. Yelling, crying, freaking out everytime water entered the boat. I had my back turned to Jesus and was screaming "WHY WON'T YOU JUST SHOW UP?! MAKE IT STOP I AM GOING TO DIE!" And yet where was Jesus? He was standing behind me the entire time. He was saying my name over and over again, trying to get me to come inside out of the storm, but I couldn't hear him and I refused to look for him. Today in church. I finally looked for him. I fell down, worn out and defeated and badly injured from the storm, crying so, so hard. He wasn't mad at me though. He simply said "I'm still here. We are going to get to the other side. Just breathe."
I usually spend my New Year's Eve blog post reflecting on the blessings of this year, and all the lessons I have slowly learned. But I just don't have the emotional capacity this year to even fake it. And I feel like that IS the lesson I have learned in 2017. I have spent literally every moment of my life doing everything possible to please everyone in my life because I am terrified of them leaving me or hurting me. I haven't been the priority of my own life entirely, ever. And I want a family and to do ministry, but it's like you always hear: You cannot pour from an empty cup. And I am finally empty, and ready to be filled, made new, and ready to start over.
So this is my last random thought of you for 2017- It's okay if your year completely sucked. It's okay if you don't have the energy left to say "I'm blessed! Praise Jesus!" and all that Christianeeze we love to shout when we are actually hurting. If nothing else, the end of this year has shown me that I have a LOT to grieve from the past year, and that is 100% okay. Don't get me wrong, good things happened too. I made new friends, found an eating plan that worked for me, got back into running, read tons of new books, and so much more. And I know that 2018 will be filled with blessings and trials just like 2017 was.
So my goal for 2018? My goal is to grieve and to let go of as much of the pain of the past that I can manage. My goal is to keep running to Jesus with each step that I can take, and to become even more dependant on my relationship with him. My goal is to continue getting 100% healthy, and discovering the girl God made me to be, instead of the girl who has simply been surviving the past 25 years. Happy New Years my friends. I hope and pray that God reveals to your heart and minds the plans He has for you this year, and that you discover more of Him each and everyday.
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