1 Month Down, 11 More to Go!

So here we are. One month down, eleven more to go. In some ways, I cannot believe I have been here a month. But in SO many other ways I feel like I have been here my whole life! The last few weeks have been hard if I am being honest. A lot of the girls have finally become comfortable enough around me that they are finally starting to show me their true colors. In the past week I've been cussed at, had stuff thrown at me, and been screamed at and yelled at, ignored, manipulated, and lied to. But with their level of trust improving there also comes positives. I've had some incredible conversations with some of the girls, and really started to get to know some of the girls better. It is a really great feeling to have some of the girls asking to talk to me personally about issues they are facing, or even having them own up to a lie they told me. While there is a LOT of struggle and pain, there is also SO much more healing going on. It is incredible and beautiful.

I've really struggled with being the only "new" person at Shelterwood right now. Everyone makes a big deal about their "class" they came in with and whatnot and a lot of them are friends with those they came in with. It's been hard to find my place and learn to trust my co-workers and tell them more of my story and tell them when I am having a bad day. I am such an introvert at heart that it is VERY difficult for me to reach out and make new friends when I am working with people already for 70 hours a week. Its been hard because I haven't received all the training I am supposed to yet because I was the only new person to come in, and there are more newbies coming in May, so I will get the training then. It's been really frustrating at times, but at the same time I just keep coming back to my theme word: Grace. I have to give Shelterwood grace. The girls house has been completely nuts since  I got here. Staff works around the clock 24/7 trying to figure out how we can get things calmed back down and get the girls calmed down on a more regular basis. It is very very hard. And so small things like me getting van trained have to be put lower on the priority list so that the house doesn't go mad.

I was talking through all of this with our discipler Amy today and she spoke just wonderful truths of God into my heart. It is unbelievable how God has oriented things here at Shelterwood to correlate with some of my areas of deepest pain and regret. SO many things have come up that I have to process on a daily basis and it is really hard. We talked about how it has been SO hard for me to be the only newbie here, but for someone else that might not phase them at all, and how God is using that to grow me and shape me and show me my identity in Him and not who I've grown up telling myself I am. Wow.

As I am rereading this post, I feel like it sounds rather negative and I don't want people to think I am unhappy. I LOVE it here. This is the most God oriented, clear thing that I have ever been apart of. I seriously wake up every morning thinking "God, I just cannot believe how clear it is that this is where you want me right now!" It is literally mind blowing to me. I wake up every morning excited to go to work. That doesn't mean my flesh is not afraid of what the day might bring, oh it is. I have never understood the phrase more until now that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. But the beauty is, that I have the opportunity to start each day in the Word and in prayer. I fill my tank and put on my armor of God before I face the battle that the devil has planned for the day. The ONLY way that I have made it this far is because of Jesus Christ. There is nothing else. I seriously do not know how non-Christians work in residential care because if I did not have Jesus there is absolutely no way I could do this job. He gives me love, compassion, and mercy for these girls when my flesh has nothing left to give. He has shown me day after day that when my strength is gone, I can carry on through Him. I have grown SO much in my faith in one short month it is unbelievable. I have been challenged and strengthened in soooo many ways, it is really blowing my mind.

I am healing and learning about my past and from my past by working with these girls. My views on life have been challenged and strengthened and encouraged. It blows my mind the HARD work that these girls are doing at such a young age. I didn't start doing hardcore counseling work until around the age of 18-19. And that was SO hard even in college. These girls are still babies, and yet their awareness and (somewhat) willingness to learn and change at this young of an age inspires me SO much to keep doing my own work and healing. I love these girls, and watching them change and grow each day has been such a blessing, and I am so thrilled that God has allowed me to be apart of their journey.

I have learned so much and changed so much that it is hard to summarize in just one post. I am amazed and inspired and changing each day and learning that God's time is not my own, but His plan is SO much better than mine could ever be. I am so incredibly excited to keep moving forward throughout this year as painful as it can be most days. I want to ask for your prayers for our girls house- our 32 residents, as well as all of the big sisters and office staff, as well as for myself. I couldn't do this without the loving support of my friends and family and I am so thankful for all of you!