It's the Final Countdown! 6 months down, 6 to go!

Here we are. My 6 months came and went yesterday and I honestly was a bit shocked when I realized it was my 6 months. I was like HOLY COW. I am halfway done with my year here. Where did the time go?! I still feel brand new, what is this madness?! This past month has most definitely been the hardest for me. I've cried more and been more frustrated than ever before here at the 'wood. I have questioned God many many times, wondering what on earth I am doing here and if I should just give up and go home. It's gotten harder as I've gotten to know the girls, the attacks from them are more personal, and yet at the same time their apologizes are more sincere. Its been beautiful to see their hearts change slowly but surely and heart breaking to see some of them simply not be ready to make the change. I wish I had a simple summary to explain what God has been teaching me this month. I think the biggest thing I have started learning this month is this- God is constant when nothing in my world is constant. God is the same through the trial and the change, and His definition of me and what he thinks of me is not changing day to day based on my performance. I've realized how much I assume that people define me and see value in me only based on what I do for them, and how I feel that I build my relationships around what I can do for people and what they can do for me and honestly that is a sad life. I've struggled with letting my co-workers know the real me, and my struggles simply because life here is hard, and I already have so much on my plate that sometimes I just don't want to take the time to get to know people. I've worked my butt off trying to prove my worth to them, and it's cost me greatly. Because in reality? They know my worth without me proving it to them. I've just got to teach my brain that and let myself begin to accept that even if I never did another nice thing for anyone ever again there would still be people who love me, which my brain really cant understand. I've tried to be the hero over and over again, and I finally have reached my limit. I started getting sick this week and I reached the point today where I said to my co-workers "I can't take on 500 things today and help everyone. I physically can't. I need reminders to let other people step in and do things." And yet throughout it all, God hasn't changed. He simply whispers in my ear day after day "I'm still here. I still love you and I am still for you." My relationship with God has become SO much more real. Sometimes I sit and ponder why I am here at Shelterwood when I'd rather be at home with my niece and nephew with a real job and an apartment, working at a job where I don't get called awful, horrendous names simply because I told someone to come inside. And yet then I remember-God is real to me now. I get it. My faith is no longer a checklist, but a lifestyle. I recognize my need for God and I want Him. And thats all that really matters in the long run. Have I built the lifelong friendships here with people that I dreamed of when I decided to come here? At this point probably not. Do I have amazing relationships with my littles like I dreamed of? Not exactly. But is that all okay? Yes. It is. Because while this experience hasn't been anything like I dreamed it would be, it's changed my life. Although I cannot say I've reached the point where I'd say I wouldnt change any of it, I know its all been for my good. And even though the hardest parts, God is teaching me that He is my constant. Not what others think of me. And for the first time in my life, I am actually starting to believe it. Praise Him!

So here we are. Another 6 months ahead. At least thats the plan. God may make me leave early or stay longer, but I am leaving that part up to Him. Please continue praying for myself and my girls, and the staff that God would meet us each where we are at. Pray for wisdom for staff, encouragement and strength for the girls, and perseverance and clarity for myself.

Musings from the Mitten

Here we are. Coming to the close of a 6 day vacation. It's been crazy, busy, and wonderful. I've learned so much about myself over the past week, and truly seen how much I've grown and changed in the past 5 months, its really incredible. I had two major thoughts and life lessons that have poured through my mind this week. The first? These two.

Nothing has filled my heart like spending time with these two this week. Watching them run, jump, scream, laugh and play has brought me SO much joy! I had a moment as I was watching Levi play a few days ago, where I thought "If God feels the same way about us, that I feel about these kids, I finally understand His love." The love I have for these kids is overwhelming, empowering. I would do anything for them, anything to protect them. I would jump in front of a moving train for them if I had to. Sometimes, I have to disappoint them. I have to let them get hurt. I have to punish them so that they can learn. And yet, it just blows my mind the overpowering love and compassion I have for them. They could screw up a million times, and I will never stop loving them. I haven't seen them in 5 months, and yet when I saw them for the first time, I almost cried. It didn't matter. I didn't hate them for not talking to me, all I cared about was that I got to spend the next six days with them. God is the same way. He isn't going to be mad at us for straying away. He isn't going to stop talking to us if we don't make time for Him everyday. He is just going to be patiently waiting for us to come back to Him, just like I was patiently waiting in the airport for Levi. He just loves us, and craves that time with us. Wow. How beautiful is that?! 

Second lesson? I've learned to cherish the small things. Like taking a shower. At Shelterwood, everything is scheduled for the girls right down to when they are allowed to use the bathroom. When I first got there, my entire perspective was that they were at Shelterwood for a reason, and there are reasons why we have rules. I have had one of my girls say to me ALL the time- "Marissa, I wish you'd just understand how frustrating it is to have someone telling you ALL the time what you can do and what you can't do. Sometimes I just want to be 16 and take a shower when I want to take a shower!" I'd always reply that I did understand how frustrating that is, and I am sorry that she couldn't do what she wanted when she wanted. But I didn't really understand. Now? I understand. I have had the luxury of taking a shower when I want. Eating what I want whenever I want. Taking a nap whenever I wanted. Playing games. Watching TV. I forgot HOW AMAZING normal life is! Holy crap! And if I am being honest, its gonna be SUPER hard going back to Shelterwood tomorrow and my very very structured life. It's also given me an amazing new sense of compassion for my girls, and realizing how much it sucks to be told what you're doing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 

It's been quite the week. I'd be lying if I said I was ready to go back to Shelterwood no questions asked. The vacation has been wonderfully refreshing and relaxing. It's gonna kill me to leave my kiddos, my friends, mentors and family. But at the same time? I miss my Shelterwood munchkins. I've spent some serious time reflecting over this break and praying about my time there, and I am ready to get back to the ministry God has called me to. I am coming back refreshed and rejuvenated, and ready to make some changes to my life there. It's bittwersweet, but exciting. I am ready to see how God is going to work in my last 7 months at the 'wood. So here we go. It's been beautiful Michigan, but this girl's gotta get back to the 'wood! 

5 Months Down, 7 to Go!

Grace wins in the end. 

I feel like that is the summary for this month. I was having yet another bad panic attack the other day and talking about what triggered it with my co-worker Bailey afterwards. I talked to her about how hard it is for me not to perform and feel like I have to be perfect in other to be loved. I have this mindset that as long as I have panic attacks, I am no good to my team and I am not loveable, and should just give up and go home already. But slowly I am learning that this is not true. As I battled a few panic attacks this week I noticed a change in my mindset- instead of repeating what a screw up I was and how mad at myself that I was because I was having yet another panic attack, I found myself whispering to myself "God still loves you. He's still using you even though its hard right now. Your team still loves you even though its hard right now. It's gonna be okay Marissa, It's gonna be okay." After my last panic attack and talking with Bailey I told her that I feel like God is calling me to stay at Shelterwood even through this very intense trial so that I can learn what His grace truly looks like and learn that I deserve to be loved no matter what the circumstance. She said to me "Marissa, you are so so loveable. So loveable. His grace is enough, and our grace will supplement that." In short what does this mean?! PROGRESS! Yes, I am still having panic attacks. But I went for a few months without having almost any at all and I am confident the numbers will go down again soon. My mindset is changing, and thats all I could ever ask for. In the words of my loveable mentor Kari as I talked with her last week; I've also been throwing a lot of temper tantrums. I've been angry, upset and anxious because so many people that I have grown to love are leaving one after another. A lot of them have been panic attacks, but a lot have been temper tantrums as well. I have been taking out every ounce of my emotion out on everyone around me, and its gotta stop. I've gotta realize that I belong to Jesus, and every moment is part of His plan and it's gonna be okay. I came here five months ago not knowing a soul, and in that short time these people have changed my life and I am eternally grateful. I can't wait to see how God works in these next 7 months and helps me build even more relationships. 

I am not ready to give into this battle yet,  I have to keep fighting. I re-read a post I wrote a few months ago about wearing spiritual armor. I most definitely haven't been wearing my armor. I haven't worn my helmet, and I haven't held up my shield to extinguish the arrows of the devil. Kari has told me so many times that my biggest problem right now is really really simple: fear. I am terrified of what is to come in the future, and terrified to face my past. These inner demons are wreaking havoc on my life and I am tired of it, but I absolutely refuse to give up. Its time to put on the armor and start fighting back. 

The easy thing to do would be to go home. To give up on this job that God has called me to and to do the easy thing and get a "real" job and forget that I ever came here to change my life. But I absolutely refuse to do that. The changes I am seeing in myself and in my girls is incredible, mind blowing, and humbling. I love my job. I love my job more than any describable words can say. I love my coworkers and the lessons I am learning each and every day. My relationships with my girls are getting stronger every day and my relationship with God is becoming more real everyday. I have to simply keep reminding myself that Grace will win in the end. I would appreciate prayers as I navigate some changes that are happening, and as I seek God more and more. God is doing great things at the 'wood and I am thrilled to be apart of it! :) 

It's Okay to Not Be Okay, This is a Safe Place

This song. I've been trying for a good week now to put into words where I am at emotionally right now, and have been unable to find any to really put into words how I feel. I have been ALL over the place over the past few weeks. There is a lot of transition taking place at Shelterwood right now- it's the time of year when contracts end, and new staff start filtering in to start their contracts. And it's a whole heck of a lot harder than I ever imagined that could be. Don't get me wrong- I am SUPER excited to meet the new staff. It is going to bring a wave of freshness, new, and excitement and passion to our house that is definitely needed. But at the same time? I am sad. I am sad because I am JUST starting to take down my walls of protection with people here. I am just starting to let them in and see the real me for all that its worth, and now they are leaving. And that is hard for me to deal with. I've always struggled with relationships and change, but Shelterwood takes it to a whole new level. The struggle is real my friends.

The anxiety has been unmanageable and bearing it's ugly head a lot the past few weeks. Lots of panic attacks and tears. It's frustrating, but I've gotten to a point where I don't fight it anymore, I just ride out the storm. During a panic attack, I often hold my breath (not on purpose!) and it feels like I am choking to death. (Probs one of the worst feelings you could ever experience.) I heard this song for the first time today, and I loved the part that says "Just let go let His love wrap around you and hold you close. Get lost in the surrender, breathe it in until your heart breaks. Then exhale." I thought of my panic attacks, and the moment when I am calm enough to start inhaling and exhaling normally. It's like sweet relief that pours over me. Often times I will start crying if I am not already simply cuz it feels SO GOOD to just be breathing normally again. And I love that image- of breathing in His love until my cold heart breaks, and I can exhale all the pain.

I've been SO frustrated with where I am at currently, personally. I am told by staff/co-workers and even the littles that I am doing a great job but often times it doesnt feel like it. It never feels like enough. I am constantly asking myself- "What do I need to be doing to better?" I've told myself SO MANY TIMES that I am okay, and I am loveable just the way I am. I don't need to perform in order to be loved, and yet my stubborn mindset stays the same. It's so hard, when I desperately want to change my thinking patterns and behaviors but I simply feel so so so stuck.

I loved the part of the song that says "There is still hope here." I would be lying if I said I haven't had the "I've thrown in the towel" attitude about Shelterwood recently. And realistically, it's not Shelterwoods fault. It's the attitude I am choosing to take on about the changes. I am angry about all the transition, and taking that out on EVERYONE in my life. And as I was sitting in my car and heard the words whispered "There is still hope here." it was like my mind stopped realing for a second and said "What am I missing? How I can see the hope here?" My best friend said the same thing to me tonight- "Marissa, there is still hope for all of this. You are in a REALLY rough season, but there is always hope." I love that. I know there is still hope. I just gotta find it.

I tend to isolate when I am struggling. I stop talking to those I need most- God, my friends, my therapist, mentors, co-workers, family, disciplers, everyone. I pull away and try to fix it all by myself. And for a really long time (think 23 years) it worked. It worked well. Because I was fully convinced that I could not trust anyone fully, ever because they would hurt me and abandon me emotionally if not even physically leave me. But for the first time in my life? It's no longer working. Pulling away is not fixing my problems, and its left me dumbfounded and quite frankly trying to figure out what to do now. And today when I heard this song I realised:

It's okay to not be okay

This is a safe place.

What do I need to do? In a way, nothing. But, I do need to LET Love wrap around me, and stop trying so hard to be loveable and just be loved. Especially God's love. I need to stop fighting it, and let the spirit tear down the walls that only He can, and reconcile my heart to His, and finally exhale all this pain I've kept bottled up as long as I can remember. And the beautiful thing? Shelterwood is a safe place. It really freaks me out how safe it is. What other place do you work with over 20 people who you'd trust with your life who know how to walk someone through panic attacks, moments of intense deep pain, flashbacks, fits of anger and depression and lead you all back to God? I am not sure very many other places exist like that. How many places exist where your co-workers know where your coping kit is and go to grab it as soon as you start having a panic attack? It's mindblowing. And it TOTALLY freaks me out that I work at a place that meets me where I am at with such grace and love and wants to help me overcome all of it. Through Jesus. And show me who he actually is. Wow. 

So if I am being honest? I am struggling. Questioning who I am vs. who I want to be and if I actually want to do the work to get there. Part of me really doesnt want to do that work obviously and it frustrates me. I could use prayer to help me build relationships, and to build further trust with my co-workers. I could use prayer to help myself not isolate and try to fix all my problems by myself. I could use prayer to trust myself, and trust that I am strong enough to work through my past pain. I could use prayer to keep focusing on God, and learning about His love for me. Basically, I could use prayer. Please don't get me wrong- I am still VERY happy. I know this is exactly where I need to be, it's exactly where God has called me to be. I am just at a crossroad, and it is decision time. So thank you in advance for your prayers, I appreciate it more than you know! I hope this way of processing for me has given you a glimpse of my life and where I am at, and brings you the hope of Jesus because He is truly working wonders even if I struggle with how he is chooisng to work. 

4 Months Down, 8 to go!

It's hard for me to believe that I am 1/3 of the way done with my time at Shelterwood. I feel like it was just yesterday I was walking through the doors only to have the alarm start blasting in my face. Good memories ;) August is already right around the corner, and a new school year looms ahead of us. Granted, the girls have been taking summer classes but it will still be nice to get back to their true "normal" routine. I am really looking forward to coming home for a week in August, so at this time next month I might be writing my update from home! Yay! :D

What is there to say? God is teaching me so much about myself, it is truly incredible. Painful, but incredible. I have learned so much about relationships, about self control, about how to be the 'adult' in situations, and how to truly rely on God for everything. I feel like my theme for this past month has been "This too shall pass." A few months ago when my panic attacks were out of control I thought there was never going to come again a day where I could get through it without a panic attack. Now? I might have one a week. If that. Then, I entered a season of intense anger. Nothing worked to calm me down, I was escalated for days, I felt as if I couldn't control my rage, and I would never be calm again. Now? I still get angry, and I have a lotttt of repressed anger from my past that I need to properly deal with. But am I having temper tantrums every day? Nope. This too shall pass.

Where am I at now? I am not sure what words to use to describe it. August is going to bring a TON of change to the Girls house, both in new staff and new littles, and it's been a hard, hard transition so far for all of us. I was talking to one of my mentor's Kari the other day and she asked why I was upset and threatening to shut down emotionally. My response "Because after August my life here is going to suck! Everyone I love is leaving me!" Her response? "Marissa. Before you came here you didn't know any of these people. You could've chosen to shut down then out of fear. But you didn't. And look at all the awesome relationships you've built! You're gonna have the same opportunity to do that again with all these new people that are coming in! It's gonna be okay." And again I realized, this too shall pass.

This season of intense change, sadness, and turmoil will come to pass. I will make new friends with the new August bigs, and new house staff and littles. There will come a day when I am writing another monthly update and think "Wow. August was a hard month. But we made it, and look how far we've come!"

God's doing a lot in my heart, and in our house. His work is evident, and Satan is trying so hard to shut it all down. But I trust and have faith that God's will will come to pass and that even in this season that feels impossible He will still reign sovereign. Please, please pray for myself and the littles and other staff. I know I ask this with every update but we need your prayers and support more than you can imagine. God is doing incredible things here at the 'wood. And I am blessed to be a part of it!

Living a Life of Love

Wow what a week! I just finished unpacking and cleaning after a whirl whind of a week at camp. I am still trying to process everything that happened in my heart over the past few days of relaxation. The thought that keeps pouring through my head? "Wow. I just love my job. I love these girls." I can't really comprehend or understand the unconditional love that God has given me for these girls. I've been screamed at, had things thrown at me, spit at, cussed at, cried on, been made to cry myself, and so many other things, and yet I would do absolutely anything to protect these girls. It doesn't matter how much they cuss at me, I know deep down they are truly hurting and hurt people hurt people. It's really that simple. And so I cant help but want to shower them in love because I know the pain they face everyday is just too real, and they dont really understand how to process how they feel.

I felt more like a parent over the past few weeks than anything else, especially at camp where there were other staff to help us take care of the girls which is something that we are not used to. At first when my girls would go to one of the camp counselors to talk instead of us I would get all mama bear protective and somewhat jealous, thinking "HEY. These are MY girls. You better not hurt them!" And yet, as I began to simmer down and watch my girls interact with these counselors, my heart just melted and I was so proud of them. I was so proud of them for facing SO many fears and sharing their stories and being vulnerable with people who they didn't know very well, but that they knew they could trust. I was proud of them for trying new things, and hanging out with new people. I was proud of them for going outside of their comfort zones and normal routines, and for the most part being excited about what was going on.

I got a chance to sit down and talk with a few of the counselors who wanted to hear more about Shelterwood. We talked for about 30 min, and I just gushed and raved about my job. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I talked with them about how hard this job is, but how incredibly God centered and rewarding this process of being a big is. I couldn't help but talk about how incredibly proud I am of each and every one of my residents, and the really really hard work they do every day. One of the counselors said to us "Wow. You literally get to be the hands and feet of Jesus to these girls every single day, and learn how to truly show unconditional love. How incredible is that?!" And I was like "YEAH! How incredible is that?!"

I also had time to face many, many of my own fears this week. I had some hard conversations with people that needed to happen but were very healing in the process. And I came to a startling realization that I have desperately needed to have for months: This team has got my back. I can count on and trust my co-workers. I learned this lesson through many different events this week, but there is one in specific that sticks out in my mind: One of my girls wanted to go on this giant swing, where basically you are strapped to a giant rope/chord thing and jump off a platform like 40 feet in the air. If you know me at all, I am DEATHLY afraid of heights. Like kicking and screaming dont make me go in a high building or in an elevator afraid of heights. But for some BEYOND crazy idea I decided that I would go with her because she wanted me to, and I wanted to try and conquer my fear of heights once and for all. She promised me it wasn't that scary, she had done it like 6 times, and she would jump off for us, I just had to get up there. Well, we got up there and SHE started freaking out and wanted to go back down. Suddenly I had to take charge and help her conquer the fear she was facing and so I made sure we jumped. Seriously- I think that was the SCARIEST 2 min of my life. It may have not even been that long. I seriously thought I was going to die. I was screaming and screaming and I got off and was shaking soooo badly I couldn't even stand up straight. Some people saw me and were like "See?! That wasn't so bad, you're shaking, but you had fun right?!" I couldn't even respond. My throat felt like it was closing up and I was panicking. I started walking away and two of my coworkers saw me and immediately said "What do you need, and where do you want to go?" They knew. They knew before the words could come out of my mouth that I was having a panic attack. They instinctively started taking me away from people and ran to grab my water bottle before I could even get the words out of my mouth that that's what I needed. They sat me down and just hugged me in the downpouring rain while I cried and cried. It was a moment that I am not sure I will ever forget. I finally realized that these people are safe, I can trust them with my heart. I am safe here at Shelterwood. And while I know that people are still going to hurt me, they've got my back and they aren't going anywhere. I am finally willing to let go a little bit and start building true, honest, vulnerable relationships with my co-workers, and thats something I have been praying about since I got here!

I went into this week defeated, frustrated, beyond angry, drained, probably burned out and just tired. I was mad at God and questioning once again why he brought me to this place where it feels like all I ever do is mess things up. And yet, he showed me SO MUCH beauty through the broken pieces of not only my life but the littles. Watching these girls go up for prayer, and realizing that they are slowly coming to know Christ, was incredible. Watching my co-workers be vulnerable with each other and the littles? Incredible. Seeing Jesus show glory and healing me through a panic attack? Incredible. So in reality, my day to day life at Shelterwood hasn't changed. Yes, we are back from camp and heading back towards the normal routine. But my perspective has changed, and that has made, and will continue to make all the difference. I am slowly realizing that living a life of perfection is not nearly as fulfilling as living a life of love and screwing up every once in a while. Because in reality, the messy, broken pieces make everything a lot more beautiful in the long run. God's love is truly beginning to overwhelm my heart, and it is honestly the most beautiful, incredible thing I have ever had the privelege of experiencing.

I Want to be Running When the Sand Runs Out

I heard this song for the first time in a long time today this morning while I was getting ready, and it really hit me that this is exactly what I want to do with my life. I have been SO hyper focused on a few certain issues in my life right now that I have been letting a LOT of other things slip through the cracks and simply trying to convince myself that those are not my highest priority right now and I have better things to focus on. 

And yet, as I listen to these words and I realize that life is short- I have no promise of tomorrow. If today was my last day of life are the things that I am focussing on today worth it? If I live to 90 or 100 am I going to look back on how I spent my time and be satisfied? 

I've made SO many promises to myself over the years and it always starts with "Tomorrow I will..." it might be working out, eating better, doing my God time, calling to check on a friend, going to church, whatever. There are so many promises, so many things that I say " I will get to it eventually" and yet a lot of time I never do and that frustrates me. 

I love the part of the song that says "He never took the time to dance". Last night I went to the movies with one of my supervisor's Kari and saw "Inside Out". I had SO much fun I laughed and laughed for hours and I just felt soooo good. I haven't taken the time to slow down and just truly let myself relax and have FUN basically since I started working at Shelterwood. I have such a HUGE opportunity here at Shelterwood, and I have been so hyper focused on my own healing that I think I have let a lot of it slide by. I choose to journal instead of going out with friends, I go to bed instead of swimming or going to the movies. Are these things good and beneficial? Yes. But are the other things good and beneficial too? Yes. 

I don't want to look back on my life and think "Oh my word. All I did my entire life was try to take care of myself and make myself feel better about life in general." I will still be loveable if I don't work on counseling stuff everyday. I will still be loveable if I have a meltdown and yell at someone. I will still be loveable if I am cranky in the morning because I stayed up late the night before hanging out with friends. I will still be loveable if I choose to live my life instead of trying to control it. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you living this life with everything you've got? Are you enjoying a beautiful summer day, and taking the time to simply watch the clouds float on by? Are you letting yourself blast that country song as you drive down an old dirt road? Are you taking the time to talk to people that you love? Are you at least attempting to forgive someone who has hurt you? Because before you know it, this life will be over. And God has given us one chance on this earth to show His love and grace to everyone around us. I know for me this means being intentional in all of my relationships and giving myself grace to deal with things that have happened in the past. It means allowing myself to start moving on, and building relationships with people even though I live in fear constantly that people are going to hurt me in the long run. It means taking a step back and having some fun every once in a while and not "working" on things legit 24/7. It means allowing myself to listen to Country music simply because I enjoy it instead of Christian music 24/7. It means giving myself grace to truly live as God created me to live.  I hope this concept and reminder helps you as much as it has helped me today. Give yourself some grace, and enjoy this amazing day that God has created with you in mind He loves you, and the life that He has created for you may not be perfect, but it will be perfect for who God has called you to be, and that is all you really need.