I just finished day two of working at Concordia once again. If you had told me a year ago that at this time next year I'd be back living at home and working at Concordia doing maintenance, I would have told you you were BEYOND crazy because I would never let that happen! I was getting a real job! But in reality? Here we are. And surprisingly, I am okay with it.
You see, at first I was horribly embarrassed to be home, working a job like maintenance barely able to sleep, eat and function like a normal person sometimes. I was so anxious about going to work my first day... All I could think was "What will my profs think?! What will my mentors think?! What will students I know think?! Everyone is going to be SO disappointed in me!" But in reality? It went TOTALLY fine! I was greeted with excitement, compassion, warm hugs and prayers. I quickly realized? This is okay. This season is okay. I am okay. No, the situation is far from ideal. But after talking with my former profs and mentors it became more and more clear to me that this is EXACTLY where God needs me right now, and I am more loved by my Concordia family than I have ever realized.
As I have worked the past two days, realizing quite quickly that the physical task of cleaning is exactly what my mind and body need right now to keep healing and moving forward, I have had a thought run through my head:
"I wish someone would have told me that I didn't have to have my life completely figured out right after college."
I wish someone would have told me I might not land my "dream job" as soon as I crossed the stage.
I wish someone would have told me that life after college might be a rollercoaster, and not a smooth ride.
I wish someone would have told me that it is completely okay and acceptable to work jobs like maintenance or food service just to make a living even if you have a college degree.
I wish someone would have told me how hard it would be to no longer be living with my best friends and have them available to me 24/7.
I wish someone would have told me that I might still be trying to figure out how to be an adult at 23.
I wish someone would have told me that I would probably still be working through personal stuff at 23.
I wish someone would have told me that it's okay to work at a job because I love it even if it doesn't make me a lot of money.
I wish someone would have told me that it's okay to get overwhelmed, and that they'd be there to walk me through it.
I wish someone would have told me just how hard, but incredibly exciting this whole experience would be.
I caught a glimpse of some of these ideas right after I graduated. In one of my sessions my therapist said to me "Marissa, transitioning out of college was the hardest thing I've ever done and experienced other than childbirth, especially if you have no one to guide you and walk you through it and most people don't." At the time, I thought she was crazy. Boy was I so so wrong!
College is like the honeymoon phase of life. You get this great idea of what you want to do with your life, and you are given a bunch of tools to make that a reality. And in reality? You will!.... Eventually. It's not an overnight process for most. And for some it is, and they land their dream job right off the bat and it all appears great. But in reality? Being an adult is still hard even while it is super super exciting. And I am finally realizing that it is okay to simply just stop and breathe. It's okay for me to take a season to take care of myself. It's okay for me to sit down and think through what steps I want to take next. It's okay for me to be working maintenance indefinitely. Because in reality? My life is just getting started. And I would rather take the time now while I am reasonably young to really take care of myself and set myself up for success in the future. I hope this is an encouragement for those soon to be graduating or who have just graduated. I hope it helps you realize that you dont have to have your life all together when you walk across that stage. I hope for those who are way past graduating this encourages you to encourage someone in my age range. Take them out for coffee. Buy them a tank of gas. Take them out to the movies. Encourage them. Love on them. Chances are they probably need it and will appreciate it!
Well here we are. Another month gone, and here I sit at Starbucks. Again. ;) Technically my 7 months isn't till tomorrow, but as this has been a beyond crazy and not typical month I think it's perfectly acceptable to post a day early.
As many of you know, but many do not-I'm in Michigan, not Missouri. I'm home. I've struggled with what exactly to write in this update, only knowing that it still needed to happen, even if it hurts my heart to write it. I know that this part of sharing is part of my grieving process, and I need to do it in order to start healing.
This blog is not the place for my dirty laundry- I am not here to bash myself or Shelterwood. Personally I love them both for their good qualities. I think of the verse in Ecclesiastes that that talks about how there is a time for everything under the sun, dancing and mourning. When I first made the decision a few months ago to most likely end my time with Shelterwood, I was confused and angry at myself and at God. I was angry that God would lead me to a place only to have me leave a short 6.5 months later. And yet in my heart it was clear- God had fulfilled his purpose for me at Shelterwood and it was time to go. And I fought that for a good long time. Well over a month. I sat and argued with God, and my co-workers as I sank farther and farther into a pit of knowing that I was trying to make myself fit in a place where I no longer belonged, but I desperately wanted to belong more than anything in the world. And yet, as hard as I fought I just couldn't make it work. And in a lot of ways that crushed me, but in a lot of other ways it empowered me.
I made the decision to leave Shelterwood, and while it did not go how I planned at all, I know God still had a hand in it. Nothing that happened to me while I worked there was out of his control or his hand. Other than deciding to quit Child Life, this is the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. I miss my girls more than any words can say. I miss doing life changing work. I miss pouring into peoples lives every moment of every day. But in reality? There is a reason I left. I left because I had to take care of myself and working at Shelterwood made it difficult for me to do that. I left to take care of myself and my health, because what kind of example would I be to my girls if I was teaching them self care and boundaries, yet I had no self care or boundaries for myself? I have to keep telling myself that the best thing for them, and the best thing for myself and everyone else in my life was to leave, come home and heal.
That doesn't mean I am not heartbroken. I've only been home a little over a week, and it feels like its been an eternity. I wonder everyday if I made the right decisions? If I handled things the right way? If If I could have done something better, to make it easier? But in reality I know- that everything happened exactly how it was supposed to even if it was horrible. This past week has shown me the true value of who actually matters in my life and is a true support for me, and who was just along for the ride to see what they could gain by being my "friend".
I don't walk away from Shelterwood feeling like a failure, although some felt that I was because I did not finish my "year". I got home and felt that I had to immediately convince the world that I am not a failure! I had to give it one last fight, and show the world that my life is filled with purpose, and I will not let anyone label me like that! I was angry and bitter and hurt, and I would be lying if I said those seeds are not still present. In reality, I've had to pick myself up off the floor in defeat MANY times since I've been home and realized that I have nothing to prove to anyone. It's a journey. And journeys have up and downs. And while I am definitely in the "down" part of the journey right now, my heart can still say this: I walk away from Shelterwood my life being changed. I walk away knowing more about myself, and my past, and what needs to change for my future. I walk away with some incredible relationships that I know will be life long friends, and girls that have touched my heart in a way I cannot describe and I miss more than anything on earth. I may not be able to be a daily part of their life, but I can pray for them. I can love them from afar. I walk away knowing that I am not the same. I walk away with a real relationship with God, that is based on love and his forgiveness and mercy and grace instead of fear. And I can't ask for anything more than that.
I came to Shelterwood completely broken. I was depressed, and my life was a mess. I had NO idea what God wanted me to do with my life, and I was desperate for something to change. I got to the wood, and I met some of these incredible humans:
The August Bigs. Wow. You are an incredible group. You each challenged me and encouraged me in a way that is hard to put into words. While sometimes it was sitting praying with me, and talking to Jesus, other times it was one of you knowing I was going to have a panic attack and getting me ice cubes before the words could leave my mouth. You all challenged me to be exactly who God created me to be. You told me when I did things right, and called me out when I did things wrong and showed me a better way to do them. You encouraged me to stay at Shelterwood, and cried with me when I started talking about leaving. From deep conversations, movie nights, and climbing the rafters on nightwatch, Thank you. Thank you for showing me the love of Christ in such real, incredible inspiring ways and showing me what it means to be a real, true servant of Christ.
My Roommates (Plus Kathy who wasn't present for the picture) Wow. Elise, my Facebookless friend who will never see this ;) Thank you. Thank you for encouraging me from the moment I got to Shelterwood. Before we even met, you were such an encouragement to me. You never ever ever judged me, even when I was in an angry rage and upset you simply loved. You simply brought it all back to Jesus. I love your quiet spirit, and your gentle encouragement. I loved our deep nightwatch talks, and rotating naps, and laughs about your weird drinks. I miss movie nights, and junk food and trips to thrift stores, and simply talking about how incredible Jesus is. Emily, while I only knew you a short time before I left, Thank you. Thank you for always being a sounding board for me, and encouraging me no matter what the cost. Thank you for checking in on me after I'd left and simply being a caring, loving person. The love of Jesus is SO evident in you, you are going to do incredible things for the kingdom! I miss you so much my sweet friends. Thank you for being a part of my journey through the wood.
These ladies. These ladies held the girl's house down like CHAMPS! Kari, Lisa, Clara, Renee- you all have such an incredible way of meeting people right where they are at. You all have your things that you especially enjoy, and God seems to lead people to you who need exactly where you've been, or what you enjoy. Like Clara and her cats, or Kari and baseball or Lisa and deep conversations or Renee and biking. You find the thing in people that makes them "them" and inspires them and you run with it. You radiate Jesus. I've had hard conversations about many things with all of you, and it always blew my mind how you found the strength to keep pressing on, and to keep loving our girls. Thank you for challenging all of us, and pushing us to grow, and to take care of ourselves at all costs. I will remember the many life lessons I caught while watching you all do life and ministry with each other, with us on staff, and with our girls, and use them for the rest of my life. Thank you for showing me what it means to be a Godly leader, and how to truly disciple those younger than me.
These people BLEW. MY. MIND. And this isn't even all of them! The way they showed love and compassion, and grace was unfathomable. I did not understand it AT ALL. I was SO curious! I was like how on earth do they do this?! Where does this "love" come from?! How do they know how to do this? How can I learn?! And I very very soon realized- it had NOTHING to do with them. At all. It was all about Jesus. And that frustrated me.
I spent a long time questioning why these people had joy in their faith and I simply didn't. I asked a lot of questions, brought up a lot of insecurities, and tried to understand a lot. And God worked in that in an incredible way. He made himself real to me, and is continuing to do so. By coming to Shelterwood, I found God. The real God, the Father that I have run from and despised for so long. In reality? I'm still finding Him. I've got a LOT of things that the world has made me believe about faith that are far from true. But, I've realized there is NO way I am coming out of Shelterwood a failure, because I am finally finding Jesus, and what more could be a success story?!
This song is my Shelterwood theme song as I call it, because it is exactly the journey God has taken me on these past 6 months and is continuing to take me on now. Enjoy :)
So here is my random thoughts of the day for you: I am still broken. I am hurting a lot right now. If you see me, be gentle. My emotions are sporadic, and sometimes I cry about random things. But, I know I am where I am supposed to be. I am right where God needs me for this next step of my journey, as painful as it may be I am home for a season of healing, and learning, and I am content. God is revealing himself more and more to me and I couldn't ask for anything else. I would appreciate your prayers, grace, and encouragements. Thank you all for your support and love on this journey. I am still planning on posting monthly updates, I think the 16th will forever stand out in my memory, and is a nice reminder for me to slow down and think about what God is teaching me.
Here we are. My 6 months came and went yesterday and I honestly was a bit shocked when I realized it was my 6 months. I was like HOLY COW. I am halfway done with my year here. Where did the time go?! I still feel brand new, what is this madness?! This past month has most definitely been the hardest for me. I've cried more and been more frustrated than ever before here at the 'wood. I have questioned God many many times, wondering what on earth I am doing here and if I should just give up and go home. It's gotten harder as I've gotten to know the girls, the attacks from them are more personal, and yet at the same time their apologizes are more sincere. Its been beautiful to see their hearts change slowly but surely and heart breaking to see some of them simply not be ready to make the change. I wish I had a simple summary to explain what God has been teaching me this month. I think the biggest thing I have started learning this month is this- God is constant when nothing in my world is constant. God is the same through the trial and the change, and His definition of me and what he thinks of me is not changing day to day based on my performance. I've realized how much I assume that people define me and see value in me only based on what I do for them, and how I feel that I build my relationships around what I can do for people and what they can do for me and honestly that is a sad life. I've struggled with letting my co-workers know the real me, and my struggles simply because life here is hard, and I already have so much on my plate that sometimes I just don't want to take the time to get to know people. I've worked my butt off trying to prove my worth to them, and it's cost me greatly. Because in reality? They know my worth without me proving it to them. I've just got to teach my brain that and let myself begin to accept that even if I never did another nice thing for anyone ever again there would still be people who love me, which my brain really cant understand. I've tried to be the hero over and over again, and I finally have reached my limit. I started getting sick this week and I reached the point today where I said to my co-workers "I can't take on 500 things today and help everyone. I physically can't. I need reminders to let other people step in and do things." And yet throughout it all, God hasn't changed. He simply whispers in my ear day after day "I'm still here. I still love you and I am still for you." My relationship with God has become SO much more real. Sometimes I sit and ponder why I am here at Shelterwood when I'd rather be at home with my niece and nephew with a real job and an apartment, working at a job where I don't get called awful, horrendous names simply because I told someone to come inside. And yet then I remember-God is real to me now. I get it. My faith is no longer a checklist, but a lifestyle. I recognize my need for God and I want Him. And thats all that really matters in the long run. Have I built the lifelong friendships here with people that I dreamed of when I decided to come here? At this point probably not. Do I have amazing relationships with my littles like I dreamed of? Not exactly. But is that all okay? Yes. It is. Because while this experience hasn't been anything like I dreamed it would be, it's changed my life. Although I cannot say I've reached the point where I'd say I wouldnt change any of it, I know its all been for my good. And even though the hardest parts, God is teaching me that He is my constant. Not what others think of me. And for the first time in my life, I am actually starting to believe it. Praise Him!
So here we are. Another 6 months ahead. At least thats the plan. God may make me leave early or stay longer, but I am leaving that part up to Him. Please continue praying for myself and my girls, and the staff that God would meet us each where we are at. Pray for wisdom for staff, encouragement and strength for the girls, and perseverance and clarity for myself.
Here we are. Coming to the close of a 6 day vacation. It's been crazy, busy, and wonderful. I've learned so much about myself over the past week, and truly seen how much I've grown and changed in the past 5 months, its really incredible. I had two major thoughts and life lessons that have poured through my mind this week. The first? These two.
Nothing has filled my heart like spending time with these two this week. Watching them run, jump, scream, laugh and play has brought me SO much joy! I had a moment as I was watching Levi play a few days ago, where I thought "If God feels the same way about us, that I feel about these kids, I finally understand His love." The love I have for these kids is overwhelming, empowering. I would do anything for them, anything to protect them. I would jump in front of a moving train for them if I had to. Sometimes, I have to disappoint them. I have to let them get hurt. I have to punish them so that they can learn. And yet, it just blows my mind the overpowering love and compassion I have for them. They could screw up a million times, and I will never stop loving them. I haven't seen them in 5 months, and yet when I saw them for the first time, I almost cried. It didn't matter. I didn't hate them for not talking to me, all I cared about was that I got to spend the next six days with them. God is the same way. He isn't going to be mad at us for straying away. He isn't going to stop talking to us if we don't make time for Him everyday. He is just going to be patiently waiting for us to come back to Him, just like I was patiently waiting in the airport for Levi. He just loves us, and craves that time with us. Wow. How beautiful is that?!
Second lesson? I've learned to cherish the small things. Like taking a shower. At Shelterwood, everything is scheduled for the girls right down to when they are allowed to use the bathroom. When I first got there, my entire perspective was that they were at Shelterwood for a reason, and there are reasons why we have rules. I have had one of my girls say to me ALL the time- "Marissa, I wish you'd just understand how frustrating it is to have someone telling you ALL the time what you can do and what you can't do. Sometimes I just want to be 16 and take a shower when I want to take a shower!" I'd always reply that I did understand how frustrating that is, and I am sorry that she couldn't do what she wanted when she wanted. But I didn't really understand. Now? I understand. I have had the luxury of taking a shower when I want. Eating what I want whenever I want. Taking a nap whenever I wanted. Playing games. Watching TV. I forgot HOW AMAZING normal life is! Holy crap! And if I am being honest, its gonna be SUPER hard going back to Shelterwood tomorrow and my very very structured life. It's also given me an amazing new sense of compassion for my girls, and realizing how much it sucks to be told what you're doing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
It's been quite the week. I'd be lying if I said I was ready to go back to Shelterwood no questions asked. The vacation has been wonderfully refreshing and relaxing. It's gonna kill me to leave my kiddos, my friends, mentors and family. But at the same time? I miss my Shelterwood munchkins. I've spent some serious time reflecting over this break and praying about my time there, and I am ready to get back to the ministry God has called me to. I am coming back refreshed and rejuvenated, and ready to make some changes to my life there. It's bittwersweet, but exciting. I am ready to see how God is going to work in my last 7 months at the 'wood. So here we go. It's been beautiful Michigan, but this girl's gotta get back to the 'wood!
I feel like that is the summary for this month. I was having yet another bad panic attack the other day and talking about what triggered it with my co-worker Bailey afterwards. I talked to her about how hard it is for me not to perform and feel like I have to be perfect in other to be loved. I have this mindset that as long as I have panic attacks, I am no good to my team and I am not loveable, and should just give up and go home already. But slowly I am learning that this is not true. As I battled a few panic attacks this week I noticed a change in my mindset- instead of repeating what a screw up I was and how mad at myself that I was because I was having yet another panic attack, I found myself whispering to myself "God still loves you. He's still using you even though its hard right now. Your team still loves you even though its hard right now. It's gonna be okay Marissa, It's gonna be okay." After my last panic attack and talking with Bailey I told her that I feel like God is calling me to stay at Shelterwood even through this very intense trial so that I can learn what His grace truly looks like and learn that I deserve to be loved no matter what the circumstance. She said to me "Marissa, you are so so loveable. So loveable. His grace is enough, and our grace will supplement that." In short what does this mean?! PROGRESS! Yes, I am still having panic attacks. But I went for a few months without having almost any at all and I am confident the numbers will go down again soon. My mindset is changing, and thats all I could ever ask for. In the words of my loveable mentor Kari as I talked with her last week; I've also been throwing a lot of temper tantrums. I've been angry, upset and anxious because so many people that I have grown to love are leaving one after another. A lot of them have been panic attacks, but a lot have been temper tantrums as well. I have been taking out every ounce of my emotion out on everyone around me, and its gotta stop. I've gotta realize that I belong to Jesus, and every moment is part of His plan and it's gonna be okay. I came here five months ago not knowing a soul, and in that short time these people have changed my life and I am eternally grateful. I can't wait to see how God works in these next 7 months and helps me build even more relationships.
I am not ready to give into this battle yet, I have to keep fighting. I re-read a post I wrote a few months ago about wearing spiritual armor. I most definitely haven't been wearing my armor. I haven't worn my helmet, and I haven't held up my shield to extinguish the arrows of the devil. Kari has told me so many times that my biggest problem right now is really really simple: fear. I am terrified of what is to come in the future, and terrified to face my past. These inner demons are wreaking havoc on my life and I am tired of it, but I absolutely refuse to give up. Its time to put on the armor and start fighting back.
The easy thing to do would be to go home. To give up on this job that God has called me to and to do the easy thing and get a "real" job and forget that I ever came here to change my life. But I absolutely refuse to do that. The changes I am seeing in myself and in my girls is incredible, mind blowing, and humbling. I love my job. I love my job more than any describable words can say. I love my coworkers and the lessons I am learning each and every day. My relationships with my girls are getting stronger every day and my relationship with God is becoming more real everyday. I have to simply keep reminding myself that Grace will win in the end. I would appreciate prayers as I navigate some changes that are happening, and as I seek God more and more. God is doing great things at the 'wood and I am thrilled to be apart of it! :)
This song. I've been trying for a good week now to put into words where I am at emotionally right now, and have been unable to find any to really put into words how I feel. I have been ALL over the place over the past few weeks. There is a lot of transition taking place at Shelterwood right now- it's the time of year when contracts end, and new staff start filtering in to start their contracts. And it's a whole heck of a lot harder than I ever imagined that could be. Don't get me wrong- I am SUPER excited to meet the new staff. It is going to bring a wave of freshness, new, and excitement and passion to our house that is definitely needed. But at the same time? I am sad. I am sad because I am JUST starting to take down my walls of protection with people here. I am just starting to let them in and see the real me for all that its worth, and now they are leaving. And that is hard for me to deal with. I've always struggled with relationships and change, but Shelterwood takes it to a whole new level. The struggle is real my friends.
The anxiety has been unmanageable and bearing it's ugly head a lot the past few weeks. Lots of panic attacks and tears. It's frustrating, but I've gotten to a point where I don't fight it anymore, I just ride out the storm. During a panic attack, I often hold my breath (not on purpose!) and it feels like I am choking to death. (Probs one of the worst feelings you could ever experience.) I heard this song for the first time today, and I loved the part that says "Just let go let His love wrap around you and hold you close. Get lost in the surrender, breathe it in until your heart breaks. Then exhale." I thought of my panic attacks, and the moment when I am calm enough to start inhaling and exhaling normally. It's like sweet relief that pours over me. Often times I will start crying if I am not already simply cuz it feels SO GOOD to just be breathing normally again. And I love that image- of breathing in His love until my cold heart breaks, and I can exhale all the pain.
I've been SO frustrated with where I am at currently, personally. I am told by staff/co-workers and even the littles that I am doing a great job but often times it doesnt feel like it. It never feels like enough. I am constantly asking myself- "What do I need to be doing to better?" I've told myself SO MANY TIMES that I am okay, and I am loveable just the way I am. I don't need to perform in order to be loved, and yet my stubborn mindset stays the same. It's so hard, when I desperately want to change my thinking patterns and behaviors but I simply feel so so so stuck.
I loved the part of the song that says "There is still hope here." I would be lying if I said I haven't had the "I've thrown in the towel" attitude about Shelterwood recently. And realistically, it's not Shelterwoods fault. It's the attitude I am choosing to take on about the changes. I am angry about all the transition, and taking that out on EVERYONE in my life. And as I was sitting in my car and heard the words whispered "There is still hope here." it was like my mind stopped realing for a second and said "What am I missing? How I can see the hope here?" My best friend said the same thing to me tonight- "Marissa, there is still hope for all of this. You are in a REALLY rough season, but there is always hope." I love that. I know there is still hope. I just gotta find it.
I tend to isolate when I am struggling. I stop talking to those I need most- God, my friends, my therapist, mentors, co-workers, family, disciplers, everyone. I pull away and try to fix it all by myself. And for a really long time (think 23 years) it worked. It worked well. Because I was fully convinced that I could not trust anyone fully, ever because they would hurt me and abandon me emotionally if not even physically leave me. But for the first time in my life? It's no longer working. Pulling away is not fixing my problems, and its left me dumbfounded and quite frankly trying to figure out what to do now. And today when I heard this song I realised:
It's okay to not be okay
This is a safe place.
What do I need to do? In a way, nothing. But, I do need to LET Love wrap around me, and stop trying so hard to be loveable and just be loved. Especially God's love. I need to stop fighting it, and let the spirit tear down the walls that only He can, and reconcile my heart to His, and finally exhale all this pain I've kept bottled up as long as I can remember. And the beautiful thing? Shelterwood is a safe place. It really freaks me out how safe it is. What other place do you work with over 20 people who you'd trust with your life who know how to walk someone through panic attacks, moments of intense deep pain, flashbacks, fits of anger and depression and lead you all back to God? I am not sure very many other places exist like that. How many places exist where your co-workers know where your coping kit is and go to grab it as soon as you start having a panic attack? It's mindblowing. And it TOTALLY freaks me out that I work at a place that meets me where I am at with such grace and love and wants to help me overcome all of it. Through Jesus. And show me who he actually is. Wow.
So if I am being honest? I am struggling. Questioning who I am vs. who I want to be and if I actually want to do the work to get there. Part of me really doesnt want to do that work obviously and it frustrates me. I could use prayer to help me build relationships, and to build further trust with my co-workers. I could use prayer to help myself not isolate and try to fix all my problems by myself. I could use prayer to trust myself, and trust that I am strong enough to work through my past pain. I could use prayer to keep focusing on God, and learning about His love for me. Basically, I could use prayer. Please don't get me wrong- I am still VERY happy. I know this is exactly where I need to be, it's exactly where God has called me to be. I am just at a crossroad, and it is decision time. So thank you in advance for your prayers, I appreciate it more than you know! I hope this way of processing for me has given you a glimpse of my life and where I am at, and brings you the hope of Jesus because He is truly working wonders even if I struggle with how he is chooisng to work.
It's hard for me to believe that I am 1/3 of the way done with my time at Shelterwood. I feel like it was just yesterday I was walking through the doors only to have the alarm start blasting in my face. Good memories ;) August is already right around the corner, and a new school year looms ahead of us. Granted, the girls have been taking summer classes but it will still be nice to get back to their true "normal" routine. I am really looking forward to coming home for a week in August, so at this time next month I might be writing my update from home! Yay! :D
What is there to say? God is teaching me so much about myself, it is truly incredible. Painful, but incredible. I have learned so much about relationships, about self control, about how to be the 'adult' in situations, and how to truly rely on God for everything. I feel like my theme for this past month has been "This too shall pass." A few months ago when my panic attacks were out of control I thought there was never going to come again a day where I could get through it without a panic attack. Now? I might have one a week. If that. Then, I entered a season of intense anger. Nothing worked to calm me down, I was escalated for days, I felt as if I couldn't control my rage, and I would never be calm again. Now? I still get angry, and I have a lotttt of repressed anger from my past that I need to properly deal with. But am I having temper tantrums every day? Nope. This too shall pass.
Where am I at now? I am not sure what words to use to describe it. August is going to bring a TON of change to the Girls house, both in new staff and new littles, and it's been a hard, hard transition so far for all of us. I was talking to one of my mentor's Kari the other day and she asked why I was upset and threatening to shut down emotionally. My response "Because after August my life here is going to suck! Everyone I love is leaving me!" Her response? "Marissa. Before you came here you didn't know any of these people. You could've chosen to shut down then out of fear. But you didn't. And look at all the awesome relationships you've built! You're gonna have the same opportunity to do that again with all these new people that are coming in! It's gonna be okay." And again I realized, this too shall pass.
This season of intense change, sadness, and turmoil will come to pass. I will make new friends with the new August bigs, and new house staff and littles. There will come a day when I am writing another monthly update and think "Wow. August was a hard month. But we made it, and look how far we've come!"
God's doing a lot in my heart, and in our house. His work is evident, and Satan is trying so hard to shut it all down. But I trust and have faith that God's will will come to pass and that even in this season that feels impossible He will still reign sovereign. Please, please pray for myself and the littles and other staff. I know I ask this with every update but we need your prayers and support more than you can imagine. God is doing incredible things here at the 'wood. And I am blessed to be a part of it!
