A Morning in the Life of Anxiety Girl

I think I can speak for most of the American public when I say that most people can say they know something about anxiety or know someone who struggles with an anxiety disorder. However, I think the perception of what anxiety really looks like is actually pretty flawed. So after a particularly bad flare up of anxiety for me this morning, I thought I'd share what it looks like to go through a morning with severe anxiety. This is a little more vulnerable than normal for me, but here we go!  

This is me. This is often what anxiety looks like for me- I am not screaming, crying, pacing the room or anxiously talking about a decision I cannot make. No, this is me huddled under my weighted blanket trying to convince myself to get out of bed for the 2nd time this morning. Nothing "bad" happened, nothing horrible was triggered. Just sometime between when I got up the first time and started eating my frosted flakes and coming upstairs to get dressed my brain just decided that if I went to church this morning, it might kill me. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my church. I love the people, the worship, the sermons, my pastor, everything. But the thought of getting up this morning and simply having to say hello to people was more than I could even bear to consider as doable. This is where anxiety often gets misinterpreted and misunderstood. I was not afraid of anything logical this morning, in reality I wasn't even really afraid. My body was just in fight or flight and telling me that I could not go forward with my plans because it was screaming "DANGER!" In reality? There is nothing dangerous about church. Eventually, I fought myself through tears and dragged my butt out the door fighting off a panic attack the entire time. 

I got there, and the lights, sounds and people all around made my head start spinning. I started hyperventilating a bit, and wondered if I was going to have to leave. But then, my pastor came and gave me a hug. I could tell he knew I wasn't okay, probably based off my shaking and tears in my eyes. He told me he loved me and he is always praying for me. Then, our worship leader came over and gave me a hug as well. I tried to lie to her and tell her I was fine, but she didn't buy into my BS. I told her my anxiety was flaring up, and she reminded me that Jesus is bigger than my anxiety, and that she was praying that peace would surround me throughout the service. And with that? My anxiety was completely gone, no questions asked. As quickly as it came, it went. 

That is what is frustrating with anxiety, you see. Sometimes, it's entirely predictable. I know that if someone taps me on the shoulder there is a good chance my anxiety will spike instantly. I know that large crowded places sent me into fight or flight extremely quickly. I know that some situations with kids and teens will make me panic. I know that if someone yells at me, I will probably have a panic attack. All of these things are predictable about 90% of the time. 

But it's situations like today, when nothing in particular spiked my anxiety that make it hard to manage. It's not as easy to "go on meds" and just take care of the problem. My anxiety is well managed about 90% of the time. I don't need meds when I generally have the equivalent of one bad week a month. 

This is what I want people to understand: If you don't have anxiety, you don't understand. Anxiety is not being worried about "something". It's not being afraid of something specific that you can avoid, it's not someone screaming in terror. Anxiety is not always pacing around the room, or crying. Anxiety is not always logical. Anxiety is rarely preventable. Anxiety is not something we choose. Anxiety is not always caused by trauma from the past, and its not always caused by chemical imbalances. Anxiety is not always being noticeable. 

Sometimes, anxiety is silent. So silent that I lose my ability to speak because I feel like someone has their hands around my neck and I cannot breathe. Anxiety is a merry go round that is spinning out of control. Anxiety is a herd of african safari animals running at you, and you have no control to make them stop. Anxiety is feeling like you are suffocating and drowning when you're simply sitting in a classroom. Anxiety is being terrified to make a phone call because your mind goes blank as soon as you hear someone on the other end. Anxiety is not being able to go to events because you don't know people, and that in itself will overwhelm you. Anxiety is when simple everyday noises become overwhelming because you already have an amusement park of noise going on in in your head, and one more noise puts you over the edge. Anxiety is going off on someone when they ask you to do a simple task, because you've already been beating yourself up in your head for two days over the laundry thats on your floor that you can't make yourself do. Anxiety is the running of every negative thing anyone has ever said to you in your head over and over and over again. Anxiety is your brain trying to convince you to do ANYTHING to escape the obvious imminent danger you are in, even if that means running out of the room while you are speaking or doing something that might legitimately harm you.  Anxiety is not being able to tell someone no, even if they are hurting you. Anxiety is not being able to get out of bed in the morning because life itself scares you. Anxiety is not being able to get out of bed because you are running late because you overslept, and it feels pointless to even try at this point. Anxiety is worrying every time that you are late to work that you are going to get fired. Anxiety takes every normal thought, and blows it so far out of proportion it can convince you that eating a sandwich is going to kill you. Anxiety is an overwhelming sensation that can take over every single aspect of your life if it gets bad enough. 

This is what anxiety is to me. It's not simple, its not enjoyable. It's not something that I talk about because mental health is a current "fad". This is my life. This is what I go through every moment of every day. I don't write this for attention, I write this for awareness. You wouldn't get mad at your employee who has cancer and can't go to a social function, yet you yell at your "normal" employee when they tell you they can't go for personal reasons? Or even if they are brave enough to tell you to struggle with anxiety would you really let them not go? Of course not. You'd tell them to get their act together, to stop complaining, to get on meds or some sort of combination of these things. People with mental illnesses are just that- people with illnesses. So please, stop acting like your employee is incompetent if they have a panic attack. Don't act like if someone cries over answering the phone they are insane. Mental health issues affect an organ- a really important organ at that- the brain. 

That's why I am writing this. I am sick and tired of being horribly embarrassed to admit to people that I struggle with anxiety. In a way, yes. I am sick. It's something that I might struggle with for the rest of my life. Yes, I pray and ask God to take it away, who wouldn't?! But until then, be gentle with me please. Don't judge me when I tell you I can't go to an event because my anxiety is flaring up and I don't want to go somewhere where I'll have a panic attack in public. If I tell you I don't want to call to order the pizza, please don't try and make me and tell me you're trying to help me "get over it" I have a therapist for that, thank you. People with mental illnesses are not freaks. They are not incompetent, they are not useless to the American public. They are simply people with struggles just like you. 

I hope that by sharing a bit of my story this will challenge you to consider how you interact with people you know who struggle with anxiety. I hope this will encourage you to find ways to help them, and let them know they don't have to try and "cover up" their anxiety around you. I hope that this helps people to stop judging people who do have anxiety, and gives people a better perspective of the many faces that anxiety can appear as. 

Month 11- Our God Restores the Broken

Here we areeee! 11 months, almost 12 months at this point. But, I HAD to wait to do this update simply because how God moved and worked this month is beyond mind blowing, and the main part of this miracle didn't occur till this weekend, and just finished a few hours ago.  And, it's still February technically cuz of leap year, so month 12 doesn't begin till tomorrow ;) Also, the fireworks fit perfectly for this month because I have spent almost alllll of February rejoicing and celebrating whether it was for my birthday, or for God accomplishing things that I never even considered possible!!

So HERE WE GO. What was the big surprise of this month?! I went back y'all. I went back to the wood! 

I never ever ever thought that I would end up going back to Shelterwood for many, many reasons. The main one? It was too painful. I miss my girls more than anything on the face of planet earth and I would give up anything and everything to be able to spend all day everyday with them again. But with where I am at personally, that is just not possible. So it hurts to think about them, pray for them, and love them from afar, but I have always known that if it was meant to be, God would bring us back together if not on earth than one day in heaven. I never even considered asking to go back, as I wasn't sure I could handle it, and I wasn't sure that Shelterwood would allow me to return due to the fact that when I left things didn't go exactly as we planned and it was a little rocky on both ends. 

But then, I got the phone call that changed everything. One of my favorite littles got level 5 and was going home soon. And the thought ran across my mind "If I ever want to see her again, I need to go to Shelterwood and face my fears. Now." 

So thats what I did. After much crying, processing, and freaking out with my counselor and friends, I decided to ask Shelterwood if I could make a quick surprise trip to visit my girls. Holy guacamole people. Was I terrified? Absolutely beyond belief. But I knew I needed to do this for myself, and for the girls, and for Shelterwood as a whole. 

The day came, and I talked to my old house director. This in itself showed the beautiful restoration power that God has, as I had a wonderful, healing conversation with my director. We both apologized for things in the past, and agreed that we wanted to try and restore things as much as we could for the future and end on better terms. God has blown my mind with this idea this month people. I have been able to have really hard conversations with a lot of people in my life, and God has begun restoring these broken relationships in ways I could not even comprehend. 

The week leading up to my trip I was a hot mess. Crying, anxious, terrified that my girls were going to hate me, and SO many other lies were pouring through my head. I balled my eyes out on my first flight as it became real that I was actually going to KC, and I was actually going to Shelterwood. I kept thinking "God, why are you asking me to do this thing that makes me so afraid?! I don't want to face my fear!" And yet in my heart, I knew it was what I needed to do. Everything lined up perfectly- it was a total miracle from God. Financially, I could not afford this trip but out of nowhere my dad found out he had Delta frequent flier miles, and suddenly a VERY expensive flight was free. My mentor Kari who now lives in Omaha, just so happened to be in KC this past weekend. My discipleship coordinator Amy, who I didn't get to say goodbye to before I left, happened to be free this weekend. If these aren't miracle straight from God showing me the door was open and I needed to go, I don't know what else would be. 

The day came, and it was simply beautiful. The girls were SO surprised to see me, and many of them ran over and almost tackled me in a hug. I got to talk to the girls that I was close to for a few hours, and it just helped my heart get the closure that I needed in soooooo many ways. I got to talk to people about how I've been since leaving, and get some closure in realizing that the girls never ever ever hated me for leaving. Was it hard? Absolutely. But they understood and showed me unconditional love, compassion and grace and it was the most amazing gift anyone has ever given me. 

So now I am home, and if we are being honest it's hard to be back. I skyped with the girls this morning so I could watch a little's graduation, and I couldn't help but start to cry as she was handed her certificate. My heart wants to be there still, even after being at home for almost 5 months, and slowly healing. I still miss Missouri, and I wish I could go back. But in reality, I know that I can't, and I am totally at peace with that decision for the first time since I left even though my heart still wishes it could be different. 

I sit here, and I think back on who I was 11 months ago.... I was horribly depressed, broken, and ashamed of who I was as a person, and ashamed of my story. I was scared of the world, and convinced that nothing good was ever truly going to happen to me, and convinced that I would never actually heal from my past. But who am I today? I am confident in who God has created me to be. I am excited for my future, and love learning more about myself and who God created me to be each and every day. My depression is gone other than rare flare ups. My anxiety is almost gone other than flare ups. I have conquered random health issues that have bothered me for years, and am finally working two steady jobs and saving for an apartment. My counselor said last week I am doing the best right now that she has ever seen me be, and she's been seeing me since I was a freshman in college. That right there is incredible people. 

For months I have beat myself up thinking everyone at Shelterwood hated me for leaving. I thought they'd never talk to me again, and my girls would be convinced I abandoned them. I have cried and cried feeling soooo guilty for putting myself first, and putting my girls and co-workers second by coming home. I've felt like a failure who has no business working with kids ever again. And yet, this month has shown me that that was the best decision I have ever made even though it was the most painful decision I have ever made. I've gotten a glimpse this month of the inspiring, incredible, life changing, restorative power of God. He's showing me moment by moment how HE is restoring my heart, my life, my body, and I am just so thankful I cannot put it into words.

As many know, the song "Good Good Father" is my Shelterwood song. It perfectly described the lessons I learned about God while I was at the wood. I heard this version while I was driving through Missouri this weekend, and I burst into tears. It is a more upbeat, peppier version of the song and I feel like it shows the change in me since I started at Shelterwood till now. I have become more free, happy, joyful, and as my old roommate described me "radiating light". I hope you enjoy this version as much as I do now!! 

I no longer see myself as a failure. No, I did not graduate from Shelterwood. I did not complete my year. But God has completely ROCKED my world this year and revealed the amazing incredible person he has planned for me to be all along. And so while Shelterwood did bring up a lot of pain in my life, and things did not go how I planned for them to at all, it has also brought in the most incredible, life changing, life altering healing I could ever experience. And I thank God more than I can express for that. I can finally say I am not bitter and angry anymore.  I still have some grieving to do, but this month brought more healing and change than I could have ever asked for or imagined, and I cant wait for the grand finale in month 12.

This is Real.This is Me. This is My Fight.

This is Me. Marissa Ann Kulig, an almost 24 year old. 

I've spent the last 23 years being a people pleaser- always doing and saying whatever I thought everyone wanted to hear out of a crippling fear of spending my life alone. I've spent my life believing that if I don't do what people want, no one will be my friend, no one will love me if I don't do exactly what everyone wants at every second of every day. I've been tired of this life for a long time, but it finally hit me this morning: I am TIRED of apologizing for who I am! I am tired of apologizing for my personality, for my thoughts, for my actions! I am tired of apologizing and acting like something is wrong simply because it feels right for me! So here I am, I want to shout to the world, that this is who I am, and I am not going to be sorry for it anymore. My counselor has challenged me many times recently to discover who I am as a person, and not who other people say I am. So here we go. This is my shot at being real, and vulnerable, and letting you know some fun facts about my life  :) 

My name is Marissa. 

• I love to be loud, and shout random things. 
• One of the quickest ways to get me to shut down is to argue with me or yell at me or make me feel inadequate. 
• I am very sensitive to caffeine, especially Mountain Dew
• I am very very very introverted, and hate when people make comments about my introversion and how I should be different. 
• I hate small talk more than anything in the world. 
• I love deep conversations about life with people I love. 
• I hate large group things with people I don't know. 
• I love and basically live off of Starbucks coffee. 
• I hate Tuna fish more than anything on earth. 
• I love having deep conversations about faith. 
• I find church intimidating and scary sometimes.
• I am passionate about working with broken teens.
• I don't truly want a 9-5 type career. 
• I need 9-10 hours of sleep to be a nice person in the morning. 
• My dream is to be a play therapist. 
• My favorite color is purple. 
• I love the Hunger Games almost more than anything. 
• I find psychology fascinating. 
• I hate cleaning my room. 
• And yet, the mess drives me crazy. 
• I hate wiping the table and doing dishes because the texture of wet food makes me want to cry. 
• I don't like being touched unless I am asked first. 
• Yet, I love hugs if people take the time to ask. 
• I have severe anxiety that limits a lot of what I can do sometimes. 
• Sometimes the grocery store, weddings, or really any "crowd" of people is overwhelming to me.
• Sometimes, I have panic attacks over nothing in particular. 
• Sometimes, I get angry over small things and might yell a lot. Or not at all. 
• New people that I don't know scare me a whole heck of a lot. 
• I hate elevators and escalators and have gotten stuck once. 
• I love to be crazy and sing at the top of my lungs. 
• I love to read books, and would do it all day if I could. 
• I love coloring books, and children's movies. 
• I love spending time with my inner child and doing "childish" things
• I have many "toys" to help me cope with anxiety including stress balls and a "calm down jar" filled with glitter, colorful beads and other wonderful things :) 
• I tend to speak my mind, and some people don't like that. 
• If I could figure out how to get all my thoughts into a concise fashion I'd love to write a book. 
• I have a hard time connecting with people sometimes, and it drives me crazy. 
• Sometimes I hurt people unintentionally and I have a hard time forgiving myself. 
• I had to leave a job I loved because of my mental health and I hate it. 
• I love color, and pictures. 
• My walls are covered in pictures, quotes and memories. 
• There are things from my past that have hurt, but have made me who I am so I do not regret them happening. 
• I want to make a difference in the world more than anything. 
• I need times of quiet with no interruption every day or else I go crazy. (Hence Starbucks dates with myself)
• I love when people are intentional with me. I love when people take time to ask me deep questions about what I think about things. 
• I hate it when people act like their needs are more important than my own. 
• I HATE when people make assumptions about my character, especially if they accuse me of lying, being selfish, or not being genuine. 
• I've been in counseling for a long time, and have no intentions of stopping anytime soon. I find mental health fascinating and love talking about it with people. 
• I love painting, drawing, coloring, and really anything to do with art. 
• If I had my way, I would move to London and never move back to the States. 
• I hate when people don't take the time to understand me, and when I don't take the time to understand other people. 
• My best friends live all over the country and a lot of time I hate it. 
• I have a hard time making new friends. 
• I hate when people imply that I should be married or in a serious relationship because I am "already" 23. 
• I hate when people ask me if I have tried dating websites or "getting to know people" 
• I want to be a wife and mom more than anything else on planet earth, but am not in a rush to get married at all. 
• I am not friends with everyone in my life, and I don't like everyone in my life, and that is OKAY. 
• I am not going to change what I believe simply because you told me I am wrong. 
• I am more likely to not do something if someone attempts to make me do it, or tries to guilt me into doing it. 
• I HATE being manipulated. 
• I am a huge fan of checklists. 
• I love trains and model railroading, and one day want to have a finished basement with train stuff everywhere! 
• A lot of time, I feel like I just don't fit into a lot of areas in my life and have spent my life desperately trying to fit in. 
• I have battled, conquered, and battled again anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, thoughts of self harm, overeating, under eating, and everything in between. And for the first time in 23 years, I've started actually loving myself as a person within the last year and a half. 
• If you try to talk to me about stuff from my past, I might flip out cuz a lot of it is still emotionally charged. Don't take it personally. 
• I love to work out, but often need someone to keep me accountable :) 
• I am unique, quirky, and sometimes a little weird. There are a lot of things that make me unique, and a lot of things people love about me, and a lot of things people don't like about me. But in the end, God made me this way and I am choosing to love myself despite my flaws! 

I've spent the morning as I wrote this listening to "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten. 

This is how I have felt today, and what I feel like this blog post does for me: "And all those things I didn't say, wrecking balls inside my brain. I will scream them loud tonight-Can you hear my voice this time?! This is my fight song! Take back my life song! Prove I'm alright song! My power's turned on! Starting right now I'll be strong! I'll play my fight song! And I don't really care if nobody else believes-'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me!"

This is my way of holding myself accountable to myself starting today, and everyday I am taking back my life. I do not need to be ashamed of who I am, how I act, or what I do. I ask if you've read this, hold me accountable. If you notice I am saying sorry for something I shouldn't be sorry for call me out on it. If you think I am overreacting to a situation, call me out on it (gently. And not in front of other people) chances are I feel misunderstood and would love to talk to you about it when I am not anxious and freaking out. If you need a work out buddy, come join me in Canton. If you want a Bible study partner, text me. I'm not going to spend the next 50 years of my life being ashamed of who I am. Because in reality? Some of my "quirks" that some people cannot stand God has already used in BIG ways. Like the fact that I hate small talk? I have gotten to know people based around the fact that we both hate small talk. My weird obsessions and reserved personality have opened doors for me to connect with kids that extroverted people never could get to say a word. So before you go judging me, arguing with me, or trying to change me please talk to me! 

I want conversations to come out of this. I want to connect with the REAL versions of my friends and family, not the versions society and other people have made us believe that we have to be. 

This is my fight, and I've still got a lotta fight left in me. 

Month 10- Painting Pictures of Egypt

"I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked. 'Cuz the future feels so hard and I wanna go back!" 

I've loved this song for a long time. It's applicably fit to so many seasons of my life simply because it represents how I deal with change- I always want to go back to what I had before no matter how hard of a season it was. I feel like this song once again truly fits how I have spent this past month- longing for the places I've been like a long lost friend. I love how the song says "The place I was wasn't perfect, but I had found a way to live. It wasn't milk and honey, but then again neither is this." The season I am in is unpredictable. I am constantly making decisions that don't make sense to anyone, and people wonder what the heck I am thinking. I wish I could say that I know what I am doing and I have a plan, but in reality I don't at all. I am truly taking each day step by step, and learning where God needs me in this new season. 

If I was going off emotion entirely, I would be back at Shelterwood already. I miss my girls terribly, and that is still getting harder instead of easier. I've still had a hard time remembering how to set boundaries for myself, and re-learning how to take care of myself properly. I'm having to relearn what realistic expectations are from an employer again, and realistic expectations for myself again. It would be SO much easier to go back to the wood and live in the life I had developed for myself there. But, the real question is would I still be growing if I had stayed? If we are being honest, the people that challenged me to grow, and truly "got me" as a human had left in August. I had no one left at the wood who really was my ally and knew how to challenge me to pursue growth. So in reality, all I was left with was struggle and little to no growth. If we are being honest, the season of growth in Missouri ended, and it was time to go. But that is much easier said than done. I love how the song says "I was dying for some freedom, but now I hesitate to go." I cried about my decision for about 2 months before finally quitting. I prayed, I begged God to not make me go. I prayed he would send me another mentor after Kari left knowing I would need someone else to help me along the journey. But God didn't answer that prayer in the way that I wanted him to and it made me so angry. But in reality? This is the truth:

"The places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned."

It's frustrating. It's irritating. It's aggravating. I want to be able to go back to the places I used to be! Part of me wants to still be that person. And yet, seeing the changes in me even since I have been home are incredible. Once I recover fully from my time in Missouri, it's gonna be pretty cool. God already is taking me new places, and teaching me so so so so much about Him and his character. At first, (and still most days) I was irritated that I am nannying. I miss my girls. I want to be having deep conversations, and taking them on Dunkin Donut runs. Not changing dirty diapers and carrying a crying baby all day. I sit here and think "God! I want to be doing life changing work! Not this kinda stuff!" And yet, God spoke to my heart this morning and said "Marissa, what if the life changing work I want to accomplish right now is in you? What if I am using this baby to teach you about my love for you and compassion for you? What if I am using this job as a gentle way for you to learn how to take care of yourself and set boundaries again? What if I am using this job to simply give you some rest from pouring into others all the time? What if this season is to teach you things that are going to help you do life changing work later on? What if this work that you are doing right now is life changing for the family that you are working for?" Me: "Oh. Yeah. That could make sense." 

So here we are 10 months into a year long journey. I don't know what this month is going to hold. I envision that God is going to continue teaching me things in ways I can't even imagine yet, and while I miss Shelterwood, and I miss my girls terribly, I know I had to leave so God could continue using me and it's going to be okay in the long run. I never pictured that this is how the journey was going to go. I pray consistently for my girls and for my old coworkers, I may not be there physically but I can still support them spiritually. I want my girls to know how much I love and miss them, and I wish I could give them all hugs and talk for hours with them all about what God is teaching them, I also have an important job from home- I need to show them consistency. I need to show them that boundaries and taking care of yourself even when things change is important. I need to show them that even when people leave they can still stay a part of their lives. I need to show them that I still care and am praying for them. It's different, it's uncomfortable, but it's still very important.

So here is my random thought of the day: Just because we long for a season from the past does not mean we are not where we are supposed to be. God expects us to struggle with new seasons, and His grace is enough for that. Thank you for following me on this journey, and I pray that what God is teaching me helps you along your journey as well!! 

"There's No Way I Was Born to Just Pay Bills and Die."

Have you ever planned an event or created artwork and when you started you had this vision in your mind of what you thought it was going to turn out like, and then when reality hit it looked NOTHING like you planned, and you were super disappointed? This is something I struggle with WAY Too often it seems. It can range from simple things, like thinking my outfit or hair looks amazing when I plan it in my head, only to be disgusted when I actually try it, to planning surprise parties for friends and having a fabulous vision in my head only to have no one show up. It's frustrating, it's tiring, and a lot of times this contributes to my negative attitude.

I try to be positive, I really do. But a lot of times? Life does not go the way I plan for it to. Take yesterday for example. It had snowed the night before so the roads were slick when I left for counseling in the morning. What should have been a 15 min drive suddenly turned into a 35 minute drive. Ridiculous. Because of that, I ended up being late to counseling which then made me late for work. (I'm already frustrated by this point, not to mention even thinking about stuff I worked on in counseling.) Then, I run home to quickly eat lunch and change my clothes to get to the next job, where I am almost late again because of the roads even when leaving early. I get through work, excited to finally get to go home so I can run a few errands and prepare for a party I am hosting tonight. Only guess what? I managed to lock my keys in my car. I was basically in tears at this point, and finally had to have the police come unlock my car. I go to the store, buy a bunch of stuff, get home, make dinner, bake for hours, and then collapse in bed, exhausted. As I laid in bed last night I couldn't help but think "This is NOT how this was supposed to go! January was supposed to make my life easier, not harder! I hate this!"

People look at me strangely when I tell them it is hard for me to function like a normal human still after coming home from Shelterwood. If I can actually sleep for 8 hours at night, eat 3 semi healthy meals, drink water, take my medications, and maybe get in some exercise all while not forgetting to do very important things like pay bills, all in one day it is TRULY miraculous. Usually I can get 90% of those things, but never 100%. It's frustrating. It's tiring. It's embarrassing trying to explain to someone yet again why I am too overwhelmed right now to be able to handle going to the grocery store. And yet, I thought that everything was going to magically change come January when I would be making more money and working jobs that I enjoy.

I've come to a conclusion today as I have sat and pondered these things. My happiness can no longer be based on my circumstances. If that is the case, I am probably going to be miserable for the rest of my life. It's up to me to do my best with the life that God has given me, and to flourish and thrive within that context if I choose to do so. But that being said, I have to choose.

I can keep comparing myself to people and wishing my life would be different or I can do something about it. This year doesn't have to "suck" simply because it hasn't gone exactly how I thought it was going to. I don't know exactly what that means yet, but something has gotta change because I am not content with living a mediocre life. I saw the quote earlier "There is no way I was born to just pay bills and then die." And I feel like thats where I am at right now- my whole existence revolves around paying bills just to survive, and then eventually die. I know I was created for more than that, and I am on a mission to find out exactly what that is.

2015- The Fastest Year of My Life

New Year's Eve 2015. My first thoughts? "Holy crap! It's over?! Where did 2015 go?! Wasn't I just sitting in my living room writing a blog post a few days ago about how excited I was for 2015 and living in Missouri?! WOAH." And now here I sit thinking over the great moments of this year, and the awful moments of this year, pondering if next year will be better or worse.

I am a HUGE goals person. I like structure, lists, and checklists. I like feeling accomplished when I set out to do something and actually accomplish it. I love checking in with myself at the end of every year and seeing what goals I was able to accomplish, and readily setting new goals for the next year.

But this year? Something is different. I don't have the motivation to set goals for next year. All I can think about when I think about 2015 is "Thank God I survived." Was it a bad year? No. Not at all. My time at Shelterwood was HARD don't get me wrong. A lot was painful, and a lot was brought up and thrown in my face. My character was challenged every single day, and refined to be more Christlike in all I say and do. But that being said, I feel like 2015 put me through a ringer. I am exhausted, and looking forward to a year with more stability, and praying for less chaos. I look back on all the lessons that God has taught me over this year, and I am beyond amazed and thankful for all the lessons I have learned and continue to learn. And if I had the chance, I wouldn't change the experiences that I have had this year.

I met SO many amazing people this year- Elise, Bailey, Caitlin, Jessica, Kari, Amy, all my littles, and so many more forever friends. My relationships with family and friends became stronger even though I was MIA for most of the year and unable to communicate well or take care of myself sometimes. My faith has increased SO MUCH and I couldn't really ask for much more than that. 2015 was filled with many great adventures to see many friends- I got to go to many different states that I hadn't been to before- Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, Iowa, Pennsylvania, Virginia, and DC. I got to see lots of cool movies, hang out with many friends, read some great books, had lots of wonderful coffee dates, learn more about myself, eat really cool foods, explore new places, and overall had a wonderful time.

So here is to 2016. I don't have a resolution in mind. I don't have a bunch of things I want to change about myself. I just want to have a year where I feel free to be me in whatever context that may bring- both good times and bad times. I know God will use it all for His glory and I am excited to look back at this time next year and see where he led me.

If you're reading this, thanks for doing life with me, and taking time to read this. You're a gem! Happy New Year!

Month 9 Update- My Hope is in Him Alone

I realize this post is a few days past the 16th, but I figure better late than never. I've had a LOT going on the past few weeks, so remembering to do small things has been quite a challenge. How have I been this month? I feel like the picture is a good representation- I feel like I am going through fire. 

It's starting to become really real to me that I am never going back to Shelterwood. I've watched on Facebook this month as girls who are very near and dear to my heart have been graduating and it is seriously killing me that I am not there. I miss them everyday. People ask me all the time if I am glad to be home. Yes, I am glad that I am home so that I can make my health a priority. But other than that? No, I am not so thrilled about it. Yes, there are perks to being home, a lot of them at that. 

I got to see my friend Jessica for the first time since August this weekend. It was the first time I had seen someone from Shelterwood since I left. We had a really good time together, and I realized how much I truly miss the work I was doing and the girls, and my co-workers. After I dropped her off at the airport I cried. A lot. I listened to the song by MercyMe "Homesick". I'm homesick for the good times I had at Shelterwood. I'm homesick for all the good memories I made before things changed at the end of the summer. I am homesick for fun times with my girls and crazy laughs and deep talks with my co-workers. 

I think of the Israelite slaves who were homesick for Egypt because it was comforting and familiar regardless of the fact that they were slaves, and I feel like a slave longing for Egypt. They didn't want to go back to slavery- but they did want to go back to an "easy" life where they didn't have to figure anything out. They simply did as they were told. I don't miss working 80 hours a week. I don't miss horribly intense panic attacks. I don't miss having limited free time and never getting to see or talk to my family or friends. But there are a LOT of good things that I do miss, and things that I miss that were not good for me. I miss being able to put my girls first and myself second and ignore what was going on in my heart even though that was NOT healthy at all. I miss being SO busy that I never had time to take care of myself. Again NOT healthy at all. But in a lot of ways it was easier than the season I am in right now because it was predictable and familiar.  I know that God brought me home for many reasons. He is working in my heart in ways I could have never comprehended. I thought of this part of the song "Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways. The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know but, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same cause I'm still here so far away from home. I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow, I've never been more homesick than now." I don't understand what God is doing right now. I don't understand why he lead me to Missouri only to bring me home after what felt like wayyy too soon. I don't understand why He allowed the circumstances to come together so that I had to leave Shelterwood in a traumatic way and not say goodbye to many people that I love dearly. But I feel like if I even if I did completely understand why He brought me home, the pain would be the same. I would still miss my girls, and the pain of him chiseling away my impurities would still be excruciatingly painful. 

I wish I could say I wasn't still bitter. I wish I could say I wasn't angry anymore that I am home, but in reality? I am. My heart is frail, and hurting. My emotions have been all over the place this month, and it has frustrated me in so many ways but as I sit here typing this I know God is healing me, and in order to heal it has to hurt for a bit. I know from past the pain will slowly get easier with time, one minute at a time. I am starting two new jobs next month, Christmas is coming, and I know God is working. I thought of another song while I was writing this that I first heard at a church called Redeemer in Kansas City. Take time to listen to it, you won't regret it. 

I love the part "When my pressings faint Lord, I know you hear, though I can barely speak

And I beg of you please draw me near, for I am much too weak. For God alone my soul wait in silence. For my hope is from him in God alone." I can barely speak right now- my energy and time is limited and my heart hurts more often than it doesn't. But I know God is working. And I am choosing to keep my trust and hope in Him because I know He will not fail me now. So here we go. Another month down, another one to go. The main thing I have learned this month? That I am really proud of myself for leaving Shelterwood even though I didn't want to. I am really proud of myself for trusting God to carry me through even though the waters have been rough and deep. I am really proud of myself for pushing on, when a lot of times my circumstances tell me not to. I have no interest in quitting. I will keep pushing on because God is not through with me yet, and my hope is in Him alone.