I'm Not Ready to be a Wife or Mom. And That's Totally Okay!

The baby had been crying for over an hour simply because he was tired, and refusing yet again to go down for a nap. His dad walked in from work and found me, the nanny, sweaty and red faced bouncing the baby up and down and singing to him as I walked around the living room. My pony tail was falling out, I probably smelled like baby puke and I knew that I looked like a hot mess. As I walked out to my car, I thought one thing:

"I'm not ready to be a mom." 

Luckily for me, I am not pregnant. Or even engaged, or in a relationship at all so that's not something that I need to worry about for the present moment. However, this thought truly caught me by surprise as this is something that I say that I am ready for and want ALL the time. I talk to my best friends on a regular basis saying to them "I'm just ready to marry my Jesus lovin' country boy, adopt my puppy, have some babies and be a mom!" I sometimes sit and think "Holy crap- I'm 24, and still haven't had a relationship. This is NOT what I had planned for my life!" But as I pondered this thought the other day, it really gave my heart some clarity and peace that I have been praying about recently. 

I realized there are MANY reasons why I am not ready to be a mom, and also not ready to be a wife. And I am not about to throw typical "I need to get my relationship with God to my top priority so he'll give me a husband first" type reasoning. 

The first reason? I am in a selfish season aka learning how to make myself my top priority for the first time in my life. The concept of Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last (aka JOY) can be really dangerous. If you always put others before yourself, you will burn out. I have done this in some form for 24 years, and I finally burned out when I came home from Shelterwood. For this reason, I have HAD to make my own needs my top priority in order to get back to the joy I find from serving others. Sometimes I have to choose working out over talking with a hurting friend because my body needs the physical outlet instead of helping someone I love. And that is OK. I'm finally realizing that. Telling people no does not mean I do not love them. I also LOVE having freedom to make my own choices- like if I want to go to Starbucks after work I can. I don't need to worry about picking up my kids from daycare, or making dinner, or running late for soccer practice. I can do what I need to do for myself whenever I need to, and that is a blessing for this season. For that reason, I wouldn't be physically able to cater to the needs of a husband or kids right now. Thats where my heart is, its what my soul longs for. But, I physically can't right now and that is completely okay. 

The second reason- I am just now learning who I am as a person. For my entire life I have let other people determine who I am as a person. I have let them give me labels both positive and negative, and let others direct my choices out of fear of hurting them. I told myself for a long time that my life would be "complete" when I got married and had kids. But I've learned through a lot of counseling that my wholeness cannot and will not ever come from or be dependent on other people. If I continue allowing other people to direct who I am, I will never be who God created me to be. For that reason, I have to figure out who I am, and who I want to be before I am able to have a true, fulfilling relationship with a husband, and be able to be a true role model and example for my kids. 

The third reason? I am just establishing the building blocks and foundation of my faith. Yes, I have been a "Christian" my entire life. I've gone to church, I know the sunday school answers. However, I've only found true freedom in Christ and in my faith within the past year and a half of my life. I am in a season of rapid and foundational growth, and I spend much time developing my relationship with God on a weekly basis. For that reason, I need to continue growing before I can expect myself to parent kids in a godly manner. I want to be a faith role model for my kids. I want to be able to challenge and nurture them as they grow in their dependence on Christ. And if I am still a baby in my faith, it would be like a baby leading babies. I am thankful for this season of learning so that I can learn how to help my kids grow in their faith when I am blessed with that opportunity someday. 

The fourth and final reason? I've got a lotttt of broken pieces that are just, just starting to be cleaned up and be put back together. I've mentioned before that I've struggled with anxiety, depression, bad eating habits, severe anger issues, manipulation, and serious trust issues along with many many other things. As much as it kills me to be patient, and work through these painful things, I do not want to pass on these issues to my kids. They deserve to have a mom who loves herself enough to face her past, conquer her issues, and learn how to take care of herself properly. I want to learn how to cook healthy meals for my kids. I want to learn how to deal with my frustrations so that I don't end just shutting down and screaming at people when I get angry and overwhelmed. I want to continue to learn how to accept and give love without being manipulative about it. I want to continue to develop my personal boundaries so that I can learn to love and trust my future husband. A marriage is supposed to be focused on Christ, love and trust, and the marriage is the center of the family. I am not in a place right now where I can leave my past in the past and focus positively on the future. But, I have made immense progress over the past few years and I am super excited to see where I am at in a few years and God brings me into the relationship I have prayed about and dreamed about for my whole life. 

As much as this season is frustrating and painful at times, I am daily choosing to remind myself that it is a blessing and this is just a season. I want to look back on my single years when married and get to tell my kids awesome stories about how I used this time that God has given me and the exciting things I chose to do during this time. Until then, I will be praying for my future family and my future husband each and every day. And who knows, I might already know my Jesus lovin' cowboy, and I just don't know it! I'll just have to wait and see!! ;) 

"Preach the Gospel at All Times and When Necessary Use Words"

"Daddy knows his Bible, but he doesn't know me." 

I heard this yesterday while sitting in on a meeting for youth group leaders during Tool Time from a story shared by Pastor Duncan about a little girl who's family he had stayed with a long time ago. Her father was a pastor, and spent many hours at church every week, and not a lot of time at home. Now, before you think I'm gonna go hating on parents, I am not at all. This phrase just really made me think about Christianity as a whole. 

I thought of my girls at Shelterwood complaining that their parents and many other people in their lives would oftentimes shove "Jesus answers" at them, and they never really felt like they were being listened to, their parents were simply waiting to shove another Bible verse at them to get them to shut up. They weren't comfortable talking to their parents about real issues they were facing because they didn't want anymore "christian answers" to their problems. This is part of the reason I always waited to talk about faith with my girls until they brought it up with me. Don't get me wrong, they knew where I stood. They knew what I believed, and that I prayed for them always. But the last thing I wanted to do was shove Jesus at them when they couldn't even trust me as a human. I was messaging one of my girls a few weeks ago, and she said to me "Marissa, even though you left Shelterwood you never stopped caring, ever. And I know your littles loved you and still love you very very much. I love that about you." I had Jesus talks with many of my girls. But we also had talks about being homosexual, about drugs, about alcohol, about self harm, sex, guys, stealing, addictions, pornography, and everything else under the sun before the name of Jesus ever came into one of our conversations. 

I want you to think about the phrase I mentioned before outside of a parent/child relationship. Do you really know the people you hold close to your heart? Do you know what makes them angry? Or what they love? Their favorite foods, or something that could bring a smile to their face? Do you know what makes them feel loved? Or what hurts them the most? Do you know their story? Do you really know them? If you don't, why should they be vulnerable and share where they are at in their faith with you?

I think sometimes as Christians we get really wrapped up in Jesus. Don't get me wrong that's not truly a bad thing. But, it really depends on if we are wrapped up in who Jesus really was and imitating Him, or simply just going through the motions of religion. You see, we can be GREAT people, and even great Christians who can quote the Bible backwards and forwards and are involved in 500 different ministries that take up all of our free time. Am I saying that God won't use you if thats true? Absolutely not. However, if you are so wrapped up in being a good looking Christian that the people who are closest to in your life you don't even truly know, there is a problem. 

I think the biggest thing I learned while at Shelterwood is the power of community and vulnerability. If you don't have a solid community where you can be vulnerable, your faith is not going to grow. It's just not. Jesus called us to live among each other and to treat each other with love and grace. Community isn't perfect- it's really messy actually. People are going to hurt you, and make you angry, and make you wish you could just hide in a hole and never talk to anyone ever again. But its necessary. I don't like to call people out, but if you do not have someone in your life who is continually asking you hard questions, and challenging your faith, and calling you out gracefully when you screw up, you need to re-evaluate your faith. I don't care if it's your pastor, or an older member from your church, another person from small group, or your aunt. You need someone to challenge you to help you grow. 

I want you to think about the relationships in your life and replace Daddy with your name:

"Marissa really knows the Bible, but she doesn't know me."

If I heard one of my girls say that, I would be crushed beyond words. If my niece or nephew said that, I would be crushed. If one of my friends said that, I would be crushed. I want to live my life in a way that my faith comes through my relationships, not my faith being shoved on people to try and create relationships. I firmly believe and trust that all my Shelterwood girls knowthat they could tell me anything, and I am not going to freak out on them. I am not going to tell them that Jesus is condemning them and they are a sinner and going to hell. I would give them a hug, and say "Wow this is hard, but we are going to get through it. Can we pray about this together?" I am not going to try and get them to change, but I am going to love them and speak the truth through that love. You can't try to force knowledge, logic, and truth onto to someone who only knows enough about you based upon what they observe about you, or the little knowledge they may have of you. 

I've struggled through these past 6 months as I have learned and grown more than ever in my life. My heart desperately still wants to be working with teens. Like desperately. But, God has brought me into this season for restoration and healing. My focus needs and has to be taking care of myself right now, as hard as that is for me to settle down and accept. But, I know that God will use me to work with teens again someday soon. And as I am in this season and continually growing more rapidly in my faith than I have ever in my life, I am deeply challenged by this statement. Not only do I want to continue growing in my faith, and my knowledge of the Bible, I want to challenge myself to allow myself to have vulnerable community again and let people truly get to know me, and I want to get to know them. 

So here is my random thought of the day: Do you really "know" the people you hold dear in your life? I want to encourage you to really get to know the people you hold dear in your life, and even those you don't. I challenge you to take this leap of faith and dive deep in your faith in a new and exciting way by getting to truly know those around you. It will teach you more than you will ever begin to expect. It's never, ever too late to start getting to know someone. Give it a chance, it will change your life and theirs. 

It's Time to Be Well

If you know me, you know I have an obsession. I LOVE books. I have more books than I can count, on any variety of subjects. I love fiction, non-fiction, self help, christian faith books, devotionals, biographies, really anything. But there are few books both fiction and non that have completely stunned me, and left me dumbfounded knowing that my life was changed because I read this book. This book, The Road to Becoming is one of those books. 

I was a fan of the band Addison Road a few years back, and was sad when I heard they would no longer be touring, but their lead singer Jenny Simmons would still be creating music. I downloaded one of the songs off her first album, and fell in love with it. It's called "Don't Lose Heart." You will love this song even more after reading Jenny's story. This song saved my life on a lottttt of nights when I was fighting serious depression and wanting to give up hope. I've followed Jenny's page on FB for a while, and have loved seeing the updates about her life post band and her adventures with her daughter Annie. After commenting on one of her statuses at some point, and receiving a personal response and being told that she wished we could grab coffee and tell our life stories, I knew this was someone I wanted to keep on my radar. 

Fast forward a year or two, and Jenny starts a kickstarter for her new book, The Road to Becoming. Now, I knew I wanted this book. I've read things she's written for years and knew it was going to be good. But alas, I was poor and couldn't. So, I have searched for a good deal on this book high and low since the day it came out. Finally, when I was in Kansas City I found it on sale for FIVE DOLLARS. WHAT?! This book only came out in 2015 people- it was a TOTAL God thing that I found this book for a price I could afford. So, I picked it up and made plans to read it. Little did I know that this book was going to be exactly the words that God needed me to hear a short month and a half later. 

I've struggled with being real with people with where I am at exactly... I am in a season of change, hope, and growth. It's a season of immense preparation. I've been told that MANY times recently. But heres the thing? I am EXTREMELY impatient. Like ridiculously impatient. If things do not go my way instantly, I tend to try and bail. Not my best quality. I heard a quote once that we've transitioned from the polaroid film generation to the instagram generation. My generation wants things NOW without having to do anything in order to get there. Just instant results, now. Please. And thats where I've been at. My soul knows I am in a season of rest, to heal and restore from Shelterwood and to heal and restore from my past. I am in a season where I need to focus on my mental, physical, emotional health and counseling, and not worry about getting a great job and a new car. However the physical side of me? My brain is like FORGET THIS. Let's blow our money and go to Disney World and get a real job, car, and apartment like our friends! You're fine heart, just shut up! Well, after spending 6 months of trying to get my soul to shut up, I'd finally had enough. And thats when I picked up this book. I loved a quote from the book that said "My road to becoming started when I finally told the whispers to shut up. My road to becoming started when I wasn't afraid of my own voice anymore. And that was a good moment, because as it turned out, I was the kind of girl destined to use my voice."

 Jenny talks about the depression she went into, going from a fast paced CRAZY life as a musician to a slow pace, staying at home with her daughter. She talks about how she felt like she lost control of her life, and no longer had a roadmap on how to carry on. She had no idea what was coming next, and had NO clue what to do and was desperately grasping at straws for even a tiny bit of control. She says "Looking back now, I realize that aimlessly walking through Target was the only way I felt any modicum of control over my life. I could no longer decipher a life road map, but I sure as heck could get myself from the home-goods aisles to shoes to makeup. And I clung to what little control I had left while my heart wrapped itself around a foreign concept: sometimes the next step feels like a million miles away. Sometimes you just get lost, and you are truly, painfully, unavoidably at a complete standstill with nowhere to go." Oh how I get this and can relate to this on an unreal level. After almost every counseling session I find myself at Meijer. Don't ask me why. I never knew why till I read this book. I go to Meijer because it's familiar. It's a store that I know well and love. And while my brain can't seem to wrap itself around the stuff I just tried to deal with in counseling, it can sure as heck walk me through the grocery aisles, and to the craft aisles, and to everything my heart enjoys until the tears have dried, and I remember that this too shall pass. Meijer is my way of having some control in my life when I have seemingly no control over anything else. 

I got to the end of this book, and was in tears. Jenny overcame SO MUCH. Like so much it is rediculous. Addison Road's equipment and vehicle were stolen twice, and then totaled in a crash. Them, the RV they rented holding ALL of their belongings literally blew up. Her daughter had to have emergency surgery as an infant, and so many other things. And I sat here stunned thinking "Holy crap. And she's still praising Jesus! AMEN!" Midway though the book someone asked Jenny this: "If God doesn't step in and divinely change where I find myself on this piece of broken earth, do I still trust Him? Can I still live my story well?" She paused and had to think about it, but eventually was able to come around and say yes. 

I thought about that as I sat reading... I thought "Can I still live my story well if _____ (needing full time work, constant battle with anxiety/depression, singlehood, financial situation, etc) doesn't happen? Will I still be able to trust Him? She talks about how sometimes the answers to prayers we so desperately want oftentimes are not what we need because we are on the road to becoming. 

We are on the road to becoming what God needs us to be in order to walk through the next phase of the life. The road isn't forever, but there are seasons where we are going to be under construction for longer than we thought and LOTS of road closed signs, and needing to take detours that we didn't plan and we don't want. But what are we going to do with that? Are we going to sit and pout, or are we going to trust that God has got this and will get us through? I forget this a LOT. Like almost every day I have to remind myself that even though I do not like this journey that I am on at all, it's still part of his plan and he will get me through. I just need his strength and not my own. Because my own is not enough. 

I am tired of creating my own road map, slapping "in the name of Jesus" on it and calling it God's will for me. I am tired of expecting things to go one way, and having them turn out completely wrong when in my heart I knew that I needed to be doing something different from the get go. I remember when I was thinking about leaving Shelterwood, and I kept going to my supervisor Kari and telling her that I didn't know where God was leading me, I could see him leading me down both paths. She kept encouraging me to be still, be quiet, and wait upon the Lord and he would show me. It was SO RIDICULOUSLY hard. Day after day after day for about 2 months going back and forth, trying to make the decision. And one day, God just gave me peace in my heart and told me it was time to go. I cried like a baby. I didn't want to go, but I knew in my heart that was what I was supposed to do. I had NO roadmap. No idea what I was coming home to, only a part time job, and my house. I was scared out of my mind because for the first time I didn't have a plan, and I was floundering. I NEED a plan. I need structure. I need the same spot at church every week. I need my alarm clock to go off at the same time every morning with the same ringtone. I need my socks to be in the top drawer. I need predictability for my own stability. Without it, I begin to crumble and fear that I am going to completely fall apart. Until I read this book. 

Stability is not bad, routine is not bad. But relying on it as my saving grace? Thats a problem. Having a complete meltdown because things could not be EXACTLY how I said they needed to be? Thats a problem. Thats not realistic. It's a problem thats gotten significantly worse since I got home from Missouri. My food touches, and I feel like WWIII has just started inside my soul. (Only a small bit of exaggeration there.... it's really that much of a problem.) If I lose control of anything, I completely shut down and panic. And I've realized after reading this book, that maybe this is what God is trying to teach me.... I don't have to have control over everything for it to be okay. My meal can still taste good even if my food accidentally touches. I can still enjoy church even if I panic after talking to people. I can still have a good life even if that past year hasn't gone how I planned. I can still have a good, God honoring life even if my past didn't play out how I wanted it to. I can still have a good life without a roadmap warning me about what is coming up next. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Take a deep breath, and realize that while you may not have a roadmap for this part of the journey, it's okay. Because you have someone in the driver's seat who knows the roadmap wayyyyy better than you ever will. And he will keep you safe. The journey will end well, if not on earth than in heaven. I didn't plan on being 24 and still living with my parents. I didn't plan to still be single. I didn't plan on still being nannying instead of having a real job. I didn't plan on still driving a car from 1999. I didn't plan really any part of where I am. But God did. And I am choosing to trust Him. He's whispering in my ear "Marissa, it's time to be well." 

Take a minute and listen to this song.... This wasn't the one I intended on including, but I found it as I looked up the other one on Youtube and I feel that this fits this blogpost perfectly. It's time to be well. It's time to stop lamenting in the past, to confront the pain and let it go. It's time to stop letting Satan demand control and kick him out of the passenger seat constantly fighting for control. It's time to recognize that even when I have a hard time seeing it myself right now, God is calling me to be well! 

God is on the Move!

This song has been my jam for the past few days. There are few songs that I feel the presence of God so strongly in that I strongly consider pulling over my car to raise my hands and worship instead of driving to wherever it is I am going. This song just reminds me over and over again that no matter what I am facing throughout the day, God is on the move!

I've had a lot of depression/anxiety flair ups over the past few weeks. None of them have lasted long, a few hours or a night at the longest but it is still frustrating. I hate having to call my counselor sometimes because I am panicking over what feels like nothing. I thought that when I came back from Shelterwood my life was going to be magically "fixed" and all my struggles I've been facing over the past few months would go away. Surprise? They didn't. Actually a lot of them magnified.

In reality? A lot of people who work in residential centers come out with symptoms of PTSD, some worse than others. I wish that direct care staff got better care by their employers but in reality most don't, and working residential is a highly emotional investing job. I've been avoiding these facts since October. I've wanted to believe and have worked hard to convince myself that I am "fine" and that none of this 'trauma' had affected me. I had a heart to heart with my mentor Kari, and my therapist this past week and both of them called me out on avoiding the hard stuff I need to face in order to move forward. And yet, Kari said something to me that has really stuck with me. She said to me "Marissa, God is still most definitely working where you're at. You're in a season of preparation. I don't even think you're in a season of waiting, God is on the move!"

I've thought about this as I've struggled a bit over the past few days. A lot of days? I dont want to be nannying. I want to be working with teens mentoring them. Or even families discipling them. Truly ANYTHING other than what I am doing right now. But in reality? I make really really good money nannying. I am going to be able to start grad school (hopefully!) in the fall, and have got plans for an apartment lined up. I am financially secure for the first time in my life, and God is teaching me a TON about myself, and what kind of parent I want to be through nannying. I am working at developing relationships at my church, and reducing my social anxiety as a whole. I have plans to start volunteering with Big Brother/Big Sister soon, and there are a LOT of exciting things going on in my life right now.

And so I've chosen to take these tough things that I don't like and repeat to myself "I know, I know that God is on the move in many mighty ways! God is on the move today, hallelujah!" Anytime I face something hard, I can either crumble in self pity and despair, and let my anxiety and depression completely take over. Or, I can stand up and shout "Satan, I KNOW God is on the move!" and that know that God will use whatever is hard about my day for good. This will end up good. Even if it's not "good" till heaven, I know that my story ends for good because God said so and all his promises are true!

I think of today being Good Friday... I've thought about it many times today and been annoyed with my day that I haven't gotten to have good "God time" yet today. And yet for the first time in my life, I am seeing Good Friday in a completely different light. Yes, Good Friday is a day of sadness and mourning. But at the same time? I think about Good Friday today and I think "OH MAN. God is on the move!" and I am SO excited for Sunday! I have never been super excited about Easter before, but I am PUMPED man. I get to live forever in freedom because Jesus paid the price for ME. Today. He did it. He was tortured, abused, and died for me. Selfish, self centered, impatient, angry, me. If God can transform the crucifixion into one of the greatest symbols of hope and healing, then I think that he's got my life under control.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: What situation is going on in your life that you need to recognize that God is in fact on the move? I encourage you to take a step back this Good Friday, and remember that while it is dark right now and it appears death has won; Remember: God is on the move! Sunday is coming, healing, restoration and freedom is coming. So take a deep breath, and don't get stuck on Good Friday, God is on the move today!

Month 12 I am a Victor- Real or Not Real?

It's my one year. It's still hard to say that without starting to cry. I can't say that without starting to cry. I very clearly remember writing my first updates on this blog in the Shelterwood living room one year ago. I remember balling my eyes out at about this same time talking to my counselor on this very day last year begging her to tell me it would be okay to come home, and that I didn't have to do this. But I also remember something that she told me that morning: First, I needed to take a deep breath and find something familiar aka Starbucks. But second, she told me that I had spent months preparing for this journey, and that she believed in me, and she knew I could do it.  I already relate myself to Katniss Everdeen on a daily basis, but today this seemed extra fitting. I had prepared for months to go into the Hunger Games: Shelterwood edition, and I was ready to win. My counselor Gina sorta became my Haymitch. 

My heart has really struggled with thinking about what to write in this update... as it's likely the last one I will ever do. In a sense, my shelterwood journey is in fact over. But as I thought about this concept, I again thought of Katniss in Catching Fire. She begs Haymitch to help herself and Peeta get through the victory tour after winning the Hunger Games. She says "Please just help me get through this trip. Just help us get through!" His response? "This trip girl? Wake up! This trip doesn't end when you go back home! You never get off this train!" While in the movie this was a negative thing, I see it as a positive thing in my life. While my "Hunger Games" in the Shelterwood arena may be over, I don't ever get to get off the "Victory Tour" train. I have the privilege of still being a support for co-workers still at the wood. I have the privilege of staying in touch with my littles both at the wood, and who have already come home. I am a mentor now, and that is thrilling. 

I've written many times about how my life has changed over the last 12 months. All I can say is that I have been changed for the better because I went to Shelterwood. Yes, the arena was HARD. The hardest thing I have EVER done in my life by far. And going back to visit felt like Catching Fire, visiting the arena again even if only for a short time. Do I regret going to the wood even though I didn't finish? Absolutely not. Do you think Katniss regretted going to the Hunger Games when she saved her sister (sort of..) and fell in love with Peeta? Absolutely not. However, the Hunger Games broke her sense of self. It changed her. It grew her, but she came out a better and stronger, but broken person. She still struggled with anxiety, depression, flashbacks, and pain years and years after the games were over. She wasn't magically "fixed" simply because the games were done and in the past. 

I've been having quite the pity party for myself since I got back from Shelterwood. I've wanted nothing but to go back. So I've drowned myself in self pity, and moaning and complaining and trying to change everything about my life currently so I could feel better about leaving. The guilt came back, the pain came back. Everything I thought would magically disappear when I went and visited suddenly started rearing it's ugly head again. I've cried and cried the past few days because all I can think about is how my graduation is supposed to be this week. I am supposed to be preparing to come home right now, not already be home. I should have been there today to speak in person for my little's graduation, not send in a video?! Right?! Wrong. 

My pain is not wrong. My sadness is not wrong. But the guilt, depression, and anxiety that I face regarding leaving Shelterwood still? That is wrong. I am not condemned by God, Shelterwood, my girls, the other bigs, or anyone else for taking steps to take care of myself. The only ones who are still condemning me? Myself and Satan. I still get so much love and support from these people, sometimes I feel like its ridiculous. Just like Katniss thought that Peeta still loving her after everything they'd gone through was ridiculous and she questioned his love for the rest of their lives. 

The Sheltergames are over. I won't be in the arena anymore, maybe not ever again unless God works it out to visit the littles one last time. But the memories remain. Life changing, life altering, beautiful memories. While I am sad to see this chapter of my life finally coming to a close, I am excited to see what the next one will bring. I am still growing, still changing, still getting to know Christ as my savior, and still healing. God has brought me the most faithful, incredible, God centered community filled with mentors, and life long friends and family that I could ever ask for. 

Here is an excerpt from the last book in the Hunger Games series: 

"My children, who don't know they play on a graveyard. Peeta says it will be okay. We have each other. And the book. We can make them understand in a way that will make them braver. But one day I'll have to explain about my nightmares. Why they came. Why they won't ever really go away.

I'll tell them how I survive it. I'll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I'm afraid it could be taken away. That's when I make a list in my head of every act of goodness I've seen someone do. It's like a game. Repetitive. Even a little tedious after more than twenty years. But there are much worse games to play."

On bad days, it still sometimes feels impossible to enjoy the good. The guilt of leaving overpowering the joy of the day I am facing. But like Katniss, I will take that moment and start listing the good Shelterwood has still done for me- helped me face my past, helped me conquer my anxiety, taught me what unconditional love is, taught me what grace is, gave me real relationships, challenged my sense of self, grew my self esteem and confidence, and so much more. 

I'm not a conventional victor. I don't get to have my graduation at Shelterwood with cheering littles and bigs, and have people celebrate with me in what God has done throughout this year. But from afar, I have friends all over the country who are celebrating with me. I have littles and bigs back at the wood celebrating with me in all that God has done. Katniss wasn't a traditional victor AT ALL. She not only broke the mold, she blew it up both figuratively and literally. I've realized this year, that God hasn't called me to follow the status quo. He's called me to shatter the mold, release the arrow, and trust that when things blow up, He's still got my back. He's called me to live as the victor that I am, and while unconventional it is a true picture of his grace and mercy that I have come out on top of this battle for my soul and spirit victorious. 

Effie Trinket: [embracing Katniss] Promise me you'll find it.

Katniss Everdeen: Find what?

Effie Trinket: The life of a victor.

Here's to enjoying and finding my life as a victor. 

A Morning in the Life of Anxiety Girl

I think I can speak for most of the American public when I say that most people can say they know something about anxiety or know someone who struggles with an anxiety disorder. However, I think the perception of what anxiety really looks like is actually pretty flawed. So after a particularly bad flare up of anxiety for me this morning, I thought I'd share what it looks like to go through a morning with severe anxiety. This is a little more vulnerable than normal for me, but here we go!  

This is me. This is often what anxiety looks like for me- I am not screaming, crying, pacing the room or anxiously talking about a decision I cannot make. No, this is me huddled under my weighted blanket trying to convince myself to get out of bed for the 2nd time this morning. Nothing "bad" happened, nothing horrible was triggered. Just sometime between when I got up the first time and started eating my frosted flakes and coming upstairs to get dressed my brain just decided that if I went to church this morning, it might kill me. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my church. I love the people, the worship, the sermons, my pastor, everything. But the thought of getting up this morning and simply having to say hello to people was more than I could even bear to consider as doable. This is where anxiety often gets misinterpreted and misunderstood. I was not afraid of anything logical this morning, in reality I wasn't even really afraid. My body was just in fight or flight and telling me that I could not go forward with my plans because it was screaming "DANGER!" In reality? There is nothing dangerous about church. Eventually, I fought myself through tears and dragged my butt out the door fighting off a panic attack the entire time. 

I got there, and the lights, sounds and people all around made my head start spinning. I started hyperventilating a bit, and wondered if I was going to have to leave. But then, my pastor came and gave me a hug. I could tell he knew I wasn't okay, probably based off my shaking and tears in my eyes. He told me he loved me and he is always praying for me. Then, our worship leader came over and gave me a hug as well. I tried to lie to her and tell her I was fine, but she didn't buy into my BS. I told her my anxiety was flaring up, and she reminded me that Jesus is bigger than my anxiety, and that she was praying that peace would surround me throughout the service. And with that? My anxiety was completely gone, no questions asked. As quickly as it came, it went. 

That is what is frustrating with anxiety, you see. Sometimes, it's entirely predictable. I know that if someone taps me on the shoulder there is a good chance my anxiety will spike instantly. I know that large crowded places sent me into fight or flight extremely quickly. I know that some situations with kids and teens will make me panic. I know that if someone yells at me, I will probably have a panic attack. All of these things are predictable about 90% of the time. 

But it's situations like today, when nothing in particular spiked my anxiety that make it hard to manage. It's not as easy to "go on meds" and just take care of the problem. My anxiety is well managed about 90% of the time. I don't need meds when I generally have the equivalent of one bad week a month. 

This is what I want people to understand: If you don't have anxiety, you don't understand. Anxiety is not being worried about "something". It's not being afraid of something specific that you can avoid, it's not someone screaming in terror. Anxiety is not always pacing around the room, or crying. Anxiety is not always logical. Anxiety is rarely preventable. Anxiety is not something we choose. Anxiety is not always caused by trauma from the past, and its not always caused by chemical imbalances. Anxiety is not always being noticeable. 

Sometimes, anxiety is silent. So silent that I lose my ability to speak because I feel like someone has their hands around my neck and I cannot breathe. Anxiety is a merry go round that is spinning out of control. Anxiety is a herd of african safari animals running at you, and you have no control to make them stop. Anxiety is feeling like you are suffocating and drowning when you're simply sitting in a classroom. Anxiety is being terrified to make a phone call because your mind goes blank as soon as you hear someone on the other end. Anxiety is not being able to go to events because you don't know people, and that in itself will overwhelm you. Anxiety is when simple everyday noises become overwhelming because you already have an amusement park of noise going on in in your head, and one more noise puts you over the edge. Anxiety is going off on someone when they ask you to do a simple task, because you've already been beating yourself up in your head for two days over the laundry thats on your floor that you can't make yourself do. Anxiety is the running of every negative thing anyone has ever said to you in your head over and over and over again. Anxiety is your brain trying to convince you to do ANYTHING to escape the obvious imminent danger you are in, even if that means running out of the room while you are speaking or doing something that might legitimately harm you.  Anxiety is not being able to tell someone no, even if they are hurting you. Anxiety is not being able to get out of bed in the morning because life itself scares you. Anxiety is not being able to get out of bed because you are running late because you overslept, and it feels pointless to even try at this point. Anxiety is worrying every time that you are late to work that you are going to get fired. Anxiety takes every normal thought, and blows it so far out of proportion it can convince you that eating a sandwich is going to kill you. Anxiety is an overwhelming sensation that can take over every single aspect of your life if it gets bad enough. 

This is what anxiety is to me. It's not simple, its not enjoyable. It's not something that I talk about because mental health is a current "fad". This is my life. This is what I go through every moment of every day. I don't write this for attention, I write this for awareness. You wouldn't get mad at your employee who has cancer and can't go to a social function, yet you yell at your "normal" employee when they tell you they can't go for personal reasons? Or even if they are brave enough to tell you to struggle with anxiety would you really let them not go? Of course not. You'd tell them to get their act together, to stop complaining, to get on meds or some sort of combination of these things. People with mental illnesses are just that- people with illnesses. So please, stop acting like your employee is incompetent if they have a panic attack. Don't act like if someone cries over answering the phone they are insane. Mental health issues affect an organ- a really important organ at that- the brain. 

That's why I am writing this. I am sick and tired of being horribly embarrassed to admit to people that I struggle with anxiety. In a way, yes. I am sick. It's something that I might struggle with for the rest of my life. Yes, I pray and ask God to take it away, who wouldn't?! But until then, be gentle with me please. Don't judge me when I tell you I can't go to an event because my anxiety is flaring up and I don't want to go somewhere where I'll have a panic attack in public. If I tell you I don't want to call to order the pizza, please don't try and make me and tell me you're trying to help me "get over it" I have a therapist for that, thank you. People with mental illnesses are not freaks. They are not incompetent, they are not useless to the American public. They are simply people with struggles just like you. 

I hope that by sharing a bit of my story this will challenge you to consider how you interact with people you know who struggle with anxiety. I hope this will encourage you to find ways to help them, and let them know they don't have to try and "cover up" their anxiety around you. I hope that this helps people to stop judging people who do have anxiety, and gives people a better perspective of the many faces that anxiety can appear as. 

Month 11- Our God Restores the Broken

Here we areeee! 11 months, almost 12 months at this point. But, I HAD to wait to do this update simply because how God moved and worked this month is beyond mind blowing, and the main part of this miracle didn't occur till this weekend, and just finished a few hours ago.  And, it's still February technically cuz of leap year, so month 12 doesn't begin till tomorrow ;) Also, the fireworks fit perfectly for this month because I have spent almost alllll of February rejoicing and celebrating whether it was for my birthday, or for God accomplishing things that I never even considered possible!!

So HERE WE GO. What was the big surprise of this month?! I went back y'all. I went back to the wood! 

I never ever ever thought that I would end up going back to Shelterwood for many, many reasons. The main one? It was too painful. I miss my girls more than anything on the face of planet earth and I would give up anything and everything to be able to spend all day everyday with them again. But with where I am at personally, that is just not possible. So it hurts to think about them, pray for them, and love them from afar, but I have always known that if it was meant to be, God would bring us back together if not on earth than one day in heaven. I never even considered asking to go back, as I wasn't sure I could handle it, and I wasn't sure that Shelterwood would allow me to return due to the fact that when I left things didn't go exactly as we planned and it was a little rocky on both ends. 

But then, I got the phone call that changed everything. One of my favorite littles got level 5 and was going home soon. And the thought ran across my mind "If I ever want to see her again, I need to go to Shelterwood and face my fears. Now." 

So thats what I did. After much crying, processing, and freaking out with my counselor and friends, I decided to ask Shelterwood if I could make a quick surprise trip to visit my girls. Holy guacamole people. Was I terrified? Absolutely beyond belief. But I knew I needed to do this for myself, and for the girls, and for Shelterwood as a whole. 

The day came, and I talked to my old house director. This in itself showed the beautiful restoration power that God has, as I had a wonderful, healing conversation with my director. We both apologized for things in the past, and agreed that we wanted to try and restore things as much as we could for the future and end on better terms. God has blown my mind with this idea this month people. I have been able to have really hard conversations with a lot of people in my life, and God has begun restoring these broken relationships in ways I could not even comprehend. 

The week leading up to my trip I was a hot mess. Crying, anxious, terrified that my girls were going to hate me, and SO many other lies were pouring through my head. I balled my eyes out on my first flight as it became real that I was actually going to KC, and I was actually going to Shelterwood. I kept thinking "God, why are you asking me to do this thing that makes me so afraid?! I don't want to face my fear!" And yet in my heart, I knew it was what I needed to do. Everything lined up perfectly- it was a total miracle from God. Financially, I could not afford this trip but out of nowhere my dad found out he had Delta frequent flier miles, and suddenly a VERY expensive flight was free. My mentor Kari who now lives in Omaha, just so happened to be in KC this past weekend. My discipleship coordinator Amy, who I didn't get to say goodbye to before I left, happened to be free this weekend. If these aren't miracle straight from God showing me the door was open and I needed to go, I don't know what else would be. 

The day came, and it was simply beautiful. The girls were SO surprised to see me, and many of them ran over and almost tackled me in a hug. I got to talk to the girls that I was close to for a few hours, and it just helped my heart get the closure that I needed in soooooo many ways. I got to talk to people about how I've been since leaving, and get some closure in realizing that the girls never ever ever hated me for leaving. Was it hard? Absolutely. But they understood and showed me unconditional love, compassion and grace and it was the most amazing gift anyone has ever given me. 

So now I am home, and if we are being honest it's hard to be back. I skyped with the girls this morning so I could watch a little's graduation, and I couldn't help but start to cry as she was handed her certificate. My heart wants to be there still, even after being at home for almost 5 months, and slowly healing. I still miss Missouri, and I wish I could go back. But in reality, I know that I can't, and I am totally at peace with that decision for the first time since I left even though my heart still wishes it could be different. 

I sit here, and I think back on who I was 11 months ago.... I was horribly depressed, broken, and ashamed of who I was as a person, and ashamed of my story. I was scared of the world, and convinced that nothing good was ever truly going to happen to me, and convinced that I would never actually heal from my past. But who am I today? I am confident in who God has created me to be. I am excited for my future, and love learning more about myself and who God created me to be each and every day. My depression is gone other than rare flare ups. My anxiety is almost gone other than flare ups. I have conquered random health issues that have bothered me for years, and am finally working two steady jobs and saving for an apartment. My counselor said last week I am doing the best right now that she has ever seen me be, and she's been seeing me since I was a freshman in college. That right there is incredible people. 

For months I have beat myself up thinking everyone at Shelterwood hated me for leaving. I thought they'd never talk to me again, and my girls would be convinced I abandoned them. I have cried and cried feeling soooo guilty for putting myself first, and putting my girls and co-workers second by coming home. I've felt like a failure who has no business working with kids ever again. And yet, this month has shown me that that was the best decision I have ever made even though it was the most painful decision I have ever made. I've gotten a glimpse this month of the inspiring, incredible, life changing, restorative power of God. He's showing me moment by moment how HE is restoring my heart, my life, my body, and I am just so thankful I cannot put it into words.

As many know, the song "Good Good Father" is my Shelterwood song. It perfectly described the lessons I learned about God while I was at the wood. I heard this version while I was driving through Missouri this weekend, and I burst into tears. It is a more upbeat, peppier version of the song and I feel like it shows the change in me since I started at Shelterwood till now. I have become more free, happy, joyful, and as my old roommate described me "radiating light". I hope you enjoy this version as much as I do now!! 

I no longer see myself as a failure. No, I did not graduate from Shelterwood. I did not complete my year. But God has completely ROCKED my world this year and revealed the amazing incredible person he has planned for me to be all along. And so while Shelterwood did bring up a lot of pain in my life, and things did not go how I planned for them to at all, it has also brought in the most incredible, life changing, life altering healing I could ever experience. And I thank God more than I can express for that. I can finally say I am not bitter and angry anymore.  I still have some grieving to do, but this month brought more healing and change than I could have ever asked for or imagined, and I cant wait for the grand finale in month 12.