Wherever You Go

"Wrestling angels till dawn breaks through, there's a blessing in the wound and you're running you're running from it. When all your demons are at your door, it's a soldier they're looking and you're running you're running from it. But I'm coming for you, coming for you, wherever you go. I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go." 

I've blogged a lot in the past month, which is kind of unusual for me. Generally, blogging helps me process ideas that are stuck in my head that I cannot get out, and yet I know they will help me once I recognize them, and I hope they help others as well. 

But I sit here today, and I feel stuck. My brain has felt like complete mud for the past two weeks since I've gotten home from Colorado. I'm not depressed, but then again I'm not happy either. I'm just complacent, which isn't good either. I know a lot of things in my life really need to change, and yet I feel completely powerless in order to change them. In reality? A lot of things are good. I've got my depression and anxiety 90% managed. I am working a good job making decent money that I enjoy. I go to a great church, and have good relationships with my friends. I'm working out, eating well, and generally taking a LOT better care of myself than I have EVER in my life previously. And yet, I'm not satisfied. Its not even that I am not physically/mentally/emotionally satisfied, in a lot of ways I think I am which is why I am so hesitant to change anything. In reality? My soul isn't satisfied. I know deep in my heart that God has called me to so much more than this mundane day to day life where I am simply existing. 

I've known since high school I was never going to have a typical 9-5 sort of job. My brain just won't work like that. I love working weird jobs, especially jobs that are relational and ministry related. In reality, Shelterwood was the perfect job for me if the actual work situation had been a bit different. I loved it. I made little to no money, I was stressed beyond belief and my physical body started failing but for the first time in my life I was ridiculously happy. I loved what I was doing even in the hard moments. I found a place where my soul, passions, likes, dislikes, ideas, and dreams were completely accepted. I found a place where I was 100% challenged everyday, and I wasn't allowed to be perfect. And my soul thrived. I came alive for the first time in my life, and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. And I think as I sit here at Starbucks today, my brain is terrified that I am never going to find another opportunity to thrive like I did at Shelterwood. I've thought about going back many, many, many times over the past few weeks, and yet I know in my heart that leaving where I am at is not the answer. Shelterwood is not the same place that it was when I started, and I am not the same person anymore. We don't fit each other anymore, and that is 100% okay and how it is supposed to be. 

I seriously considered moving to Denver after coming back from seeing Becky. I even found some jobs to apply to, and apartments we could rent together. My little from Shelterwood lives about an hour from Becky, and I would LOVE to be near to her again to continue mentoring her. And yet, every time I think about moving again, something in my soul tells me it's not the right time. And everytime I get frustrated because I want that to be the answer. 

You see, I love Michigan. I am 100% a Michigan girl at heart. I love the seasons, I love the lakes, I love my friends and family, and everything that Michigan has to offer. I love familiarity, and things that I recognize. I love not needing my gps every time I drive, and a million other things. But there is one thing that I hate about being in Michigan.... I have daily reminders of who I used to be, and the things I haven't fully conquered and overcome. And things that I have overcome that come back and bother me simply cuz they are right in my face again. It was easier to forget about a lot of that pain when I was 12 hours away. It was never in my face. Things that were similar were, but never the actual people, places, things, smells, and memories from the past. 

I was sitting in church thinking about all of this today, and asking God why I couldn't move again since I grew SO much when I went to Missouri. He gave me the same answer He's been giving me for weeks, and yet I chose to listen this time. He told me this "Marissa, it's time to let stuff from your past go. You've been holding on to this pain and regret for WAY too long. I brought you home to get you physically healed, and emotionally healed. If you leave, this stuff will no longer be in your face and you have no reason to let it go and let me heal and work in it."

Ouch. My counselor has brought up many times over the past few weeks that there's some stuff that she wants me to spend some time working through and try to let go of, and I have blatantly and openly refused. Almost throwing a temper tantrum honestly because I just don't want to deal with it. And yet, I hear God saying in the back of my mind "Marissa, it's time. Give in, let go." If I were to go to Denver, Missouri, or even Ohio (ew.) or anywhere else, I know I would be blatantly running from the work God is calling me to do in this season. It's work I need to do to unlock the next season and it's unbelievably frustrating. 

I think of my success as a runner, if you want to call me that. When I started this training program, I could barely do a mile and a half in 30 min. Now? It's been about 3 weeks and I am almost up to 2.5 miles. Thats awesome progress. And yet at the same time? It's frustrating. I want to be able to run 3 miles NOW. Nevermind the fact that in high school I couldn't even run a mile without stopping AT ALL. It's slow, it's painful, but it's still progress. 

I sit back and I think: I don't want to face this stuff. I don't want to admit that others have hurt me, and that I have hurt them as well. I've realized that I have been treating some people in my life terribly for the past few weeks simply out of my own bitterness and pain. When in reality? That is NOT how Christ calls me to act. I am supposed to treat everyone in love, even those who have hurt me. Someone HAS to choose to be the bigger person. Why shouldn't it be me? I think of Jonah, and how he ran when he was told to go to Ninevah. I always thought "Wow. What a coward. God told you to do this, and you blatantly said no and went the other way?! Why do you think God should still help you?!" And yet in a lot of ways right now I am Jonah, and I am faced with a choice. I can run headfirst in the other direction and ignore whats going on in my heart and hope it goes away, or I can man up and choose to face this head on and know that God has promised to guard and protect my heart and help me along the way. 

I listened to the song I posted above for the first time in a longggg time today. I felt like it was God's way of saying to me "Marissa, wherever you go, I am coming. It doesn't matter how far you try and run, I am coming. I am not going to stop loving you if you keep running, but I hope and pray you listen to this still small voice, and stop fighting my loving arms from helping you face this tough stuff. I wont let it take you down. I've got you." 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: What are you running from? What are you desperately trying to get away from? It doesn't matter how many miles you run on the tredmill, you can't run from whats going on in your heart. Thats what I've realized over the past few days. I want to challenge you to to take what you're running from head on. Don't let it overtake you. You've got Jesus on your side, and He is coming for you wherever you go.