2013: Incredibly More

2013. 

Here we are. New Year's Eve, the last day of 2013. I have spent a lot of time thinking over this past year over the last few weeks. If I had to summarize this year in one word it would probably be Wow! Many times I have compared my life to a rollercoaster, full of ups and downs. But truly this year has had more ups and downs than I have ever experienced in any other year.

I want to share a few of the amazing highlights from this year:

This probably looks like a simple notebook to most people. But to those who know me well, this is no simple notebook. I started this book at Passion last year on January 1st. I have written in this notebook at almost every church service and some chapel services that I have gone to over the course of the entire year. It shows the struggle, the power, the love and the immense changes that I encountered and struggled with other this year. As I wrote on the last page today, I cried as I saw the incredible power of God inscribed on every single page. God absolutely changed my life this year, and this book only shows a slight sliver of his incredible love, mercy, and power.
Here a few excerpts from my journal:

Both of these were from Passion 2013

This has been by far the absolute greatest blessing of 2013. I can legitimatly say that at this time last year I felt spiritually dead. My connection with God seemed so distant and strained that I was beginning to wonder if it was really worth all the work I was putting into it. But then I realized: My salvation is not based on any of my works. It's not based on how often I sing or read my Bible. It's not even based on how I feel. It's based on my faith and my relationship with God. It is based on him loving me SO much that he died for me. And realizing that broke so many chains in my life and gave me the freedom to be who he created me to be. If nothing else, 2013 will be a year because of this. 2013 is when my faith became my everything.

I also turned 21 this year! It has been an interesting feeling being a full fledged "adult". One thing I realized this year though is that no matter how old I get I will always be a child at heart. My love for coloring books and disney movies is not going away any time soon and I am totally okay with that!! :)

My peanut Levi also turned one this year! It has been so fun to see his personality start to come out and see him grow up. He is adorable and I love him more than words can say! :)

I got this bracelet in March. February-April were some of the hardest months I have ever had to face in my entire life. Every single moment, every breath I took was a struggle. The moment I got this bracelet was when I started to slowly come out of this "funk" and it is a constant reminder to me that while on my own I am not strong enough, it is through Him who I get my strength and He will always be strong enough!

This year, I completed my last semester of being on Spiritual Life. I had the privelege of being the SLR of Silas this past semester, and I am so thankful that God put me in this position when he did. I learned so much from my co-leaders and my residents and made memories I will never forget. My time on Spiritual Life over the past 3 years absolutely changed my life. It has challenged my faith in ways I cannot even describe and made me learn to defend my faith in new and incredible ways. This is one of the things I will miss the most about 2014 and onwards!!

Lonnie passed away on June 1st, 2013. While I did not know him very well, his life challenged my faith and lifestyle in ways I cannot even explain. I had the opportunity to love on and play with his grandkids and simply love his family. My aunt Denise also passed away later in the fall. This was another hard time for my family and helped us to grow in our faith and dependence on Christ.

I got to sing the National Anthem at the Detroit Tiger's Game! Yeah. It was pretty legit!!

I got my spring internship placement at Beaumont Children's Hospital in Royal Oak! I will be working in the Emergency Department and I am super excited!

I also completed my last Tool Time this fall. It was heartbreaking, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Tool Time has changed my life in soooooo many ways and I am so thankful that I could be a part of such an amazing group of people! 

I sang in my last choir performance as a student in December. I will sing with the choir one last time at my Baccalaureate service in May, but I will be in cap and gown instead of a choir robe!! :) 

I got to go to Frankenmuth and Bronners with my best friend for the second time in my life! It was tons of fun and I loved celebrating Christmas with her! 

Finally, the last biggest blessing of 2013 has been this girl right here. She has walked with me, cried with me, yelled with me, eaten with me and laughed with me through every moment of 2013. I never thought that I could get to know someone so quickly and grow to love someone so so much. No matter what situation we have faced she always points us right back to Christ. I couldn't ask for a better sister in Christ or a better best friend!


So thats it. Thats a small peice of what I experienced for 2013 and that barely scratches the surface!!! So my random thought of the day for you and and the end of the year is this: Pay attention to the small moments. Even the tears, and screaming. Because when you look back you will realize that these small moments are the ones that meant the most. I am praying for you all as you complete this year and look forward to starting 2014.

He is my Everything

I am sitting here in my bedroom just a few short days after finishing my last undergrad classes. As I have had this free time over the past few days, I have began to think over my time at Concordia and especially looked back over the last year of my life and been incredibly amazed by how much I have changed in the course of one year.

Many people say that you will change the most during your Freshman year. College is new, and exciting and fresh. But I beg to differ, or at least say that I did not follow this idea. I would say that the most change in my life occurred during my Junior to Senior years of college.

As I look back over this year, I have encountered an incredible amount of challenges and blessings both with friends and personally: New life, death, disease, suicide, depression, finances falling through, relationship struggles, huge faith struggles, friends graduating, internships, practicums, and being taken far out of my comfort zone are just a few. And yet somehow? We overcame them all. How? There is only one answer: Jesus.

A year ago? My faith simply part of me. Yes, I was a Christian. I knew the Bible school answers and could walk the walk and talk the talk. I was a "look good" Christian. I could quote a million Bible verses about persevering through trial and simply "Trusting God". But really? Truly? There were some days that I didn't believe one word of what I said to other people. I would tell myself "Oh yeah, that is true for them but not for you." My faith was part of my life, but it was not my identity. I so desperately wanted my faith, for God to be everything to me. But He wasn't. And it literally took me walking through the valley of the shadow of death for me to get what it means for Him to be everything.

Now? Today? My faith is everything to me. My Bible, My Jesus-my Savior and Friend are how I I function and survive every day. His saving grace has never been more real to me and his love never been so alive and real. My identity is found soley in Christ Alone and I would not want to have it absolutely any other way. As I look back over this year, and I see how he legitimatly walked with me and talked with me and comforted me through these deep valleys, my heart cannot help but fall in love with him. He listened to me during nights when I would scream and cry to him about how I did not understand his plan or his word. He would gently hold me as I questioned if he was real or if he was really with me. He kept whispering my name as I screamed his name trying to find him. And he showed me finally how to be still, and listen for his voice and realize he never stopped calling my name.

So I sit here. After a year that has been beyond crazy and I cannot help but be beyond thankful. I would not change one challange that I faced because it led me to the greatest, loving, most selfless relationship I have ever encountered in my life. And that is incredible to me.

So this is my random thought of the day for you: Don't give up. Keep fighting. When he is all you want, you will find him. He will reveal himself to you in ways you cannot imagine or expect. Keep screaming, keep crying, keep hoping. He hasn't left you and he never will. And when the storm calms down, and you fall into this place of realizing that you have had everything you have ever needed the entire time, it will all be worth it in the end!

"For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help." Psalm 22:24

Alone. 

We've all been there, whether you are brave enough to admit it or not. That moment of despair, that hopeless, heart wrenching, breath stealing, excruciating time of pain. That time when you feel that no one on this earth could understand the trial you are facing. You feel utterly and hopelessly alone. And to be honest? You are probably right. There is no one on this earth who can probably understand your pain or problem in specific because it is unique to you. I don't know about you, but that is a really terrifying thought. I will admit to you, there have been many, many, many times throughout my life, especially over the past few years that I have felt alone in my times of struggle. It is terrifying, heart breaking, frustrating and confusing. I struggled for so long to connect these times to my faith as well.

I have many, many memories of crying out to God, begging him to just show me how he was still with me, to give me even a moment of comfort and a true realization that I was not alone in the deep pain that I was facing. A lot of times? It appeared that nothing happened. I would pray, and I would still feel the same: awful. This caused me to question my faith many times and wonder "God, why should I believe you when you say you never leave me?! I feel so alone in this trial, I beg for your comfort and presence and here I sit, hurting and hopeless!" I would get sooooo angry because I felt that not even God or Jesus could relate to my pain, much less anyone on earth. I would cry in frustration thinking "Jesus doesn't know what it is like to feel alone. God was always with him and he never doubted it like I do. He had no question that God was with him at all times! Why should I think he can relate to me and my pain?!" 

At Tool Time this past weekend, a guy I go to school with named Thomas was one of the speakers and spoke on this very topic. Through his message, the Holy Spirit showed me a very, very clear realization: Jesus can in fact relate to my pain! Thomas first talked about the guilt we experience when we do something wrong. That awful, gut wrenching, I sorta wanna throw up kinda feeling. He said "Times that feeling by every single person ever in existence and put that on Jesus. Imagine that. That is how he felt on the cross!" That, in itself was a mind-blowing revelation for me. But then he took it one step further. 

He talked about the part when Jesus screams "My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me?!" I have heard and read this statement probably over 200 times over my life. But I have never honestly thought it through. Ever. Until Thomas talked about it on Saturday. Think about that statement for a second.... Now, I don't believe that God actually abandoned Jesus at the cross. No, he promises never to leave us and that is the beauty in this that I will talk more about later. BUT. I do believe that God allowed Jesus to feel as if he was truly alone, if even for just a few minutes before he died. Jesus understood what it is like for us when we feel like God has turned his back on us. He gets it. Did you catch that?! Jesus felt alone! He can relate to us in our times of immense trial and unexplainable pain and suffering because he has been there and done that! WOW. I don't know if that is as mind blowing of a revelation for you as it was for me, but my mind and heart have not been the same since that night. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I can apply my faith to the pain I face! Hallelujah!

So here is my random thought of the day for you: You are going to feel alone at some point in your life. It is truly inevitable. BUT. The beautiful thing is YOU ARE NOT ALONE. NOT NOW, NOT EVER. Yes, you are going to feel like you are at times and it will be very, very hard and very painful. But you know what? God is right at your side, he hasn't left you. And Jesus? He is your homeboy. He has got your back. He has been there and done that. You know when you find someone who can kinda relate to your situation? and you are like "OH MY GOODNESS! YOU TOO?!" Thats what Jesus is for us! No matter what trial or temptation or sadness you are facing he gets it! And he will sit with you when you feel alone and just cry it out with you and be like "Dude. I remember what that felt like. Holy cow. WORST MOMENTS EVER. But you know what? I'm in eternity now with our Abba and it was SO worth it. And I would do it again in a heartbeat just so that I can share these moments with you and you can eventually come spend eternity in heaven with me. So come sit with me, and come hurt with me and we will get through this together. Because I am NEVER going to leave your side and you will NEVER be alone!" So, the next time you are simply feeling like no one can comprehend the pain you are in, run as fast as you can to the arms of Jesus and let him hold you and cry with you. He will carry you through this my friend. You are not alone! 

Sin Never Looked So Sweet

I have grown up in church my entire life. I could probably tell you the story of Adam and Eve backwards and forwards, every detail in place. I have had countless conversations about what "kind" of fruit Eve ate... Was it an apple? Or some other rare tropical fruit? etc. etc. But yesterday, this story became real to me in a way I never in a million years expected.

As many of you know, I have this wonderful thing called Fructose Malabsorption aka I can't eat anything that has fructose in it. Fruit generally has a lot of fructose since it is a natural sugar. I never really liked fruit growing up. Funny how that worked out since my body can't really process it. ANYWAY. Apples (one of the only fruits I actually like take note) have the highest amount of fructose out of almost anything on earth. So, needless to say I have avoided Apples like the plague since I was diagnosed last December. I have done really well- I haven't eaten a full apple since last december. I have had bits here and there, but never enough to make me feel too awful.

Well yesterday I was at Meijer, and I saw this:

Probably the most mouth watering, delicious looking caramel apple I have ever seen in my entire LIFE. So, after a solid minute and a half of debating about whether or not it would make me sick, I bought it. And I raced back to Concordia mouth watering, dying to eat this piece of heaven. 

I took the first bite, and my mouth died and went to heaven. It was SO good. So so so so good. I literally chowed on that thing almost down to the stick. I thought "WOW. I cannot believe how much I have missed apples!!!!!"

And then. The stomach ache came. I have not felt this sick in over a year. When I eat something really "bad" it legit knocks me out. I sleep and sleep while my body tries to digest this food it doesn't know what to do with. So, I slept for almost 2.5 hours and woke up in tears questioning whether or not I was going to get sick. And then the thought hit me: This is probably how Eve felt after she ate the apple. At first, it was glorious and then it was wayyyy beyond awful.

There is a good reason why I was told by my doctor not to eat apples- They will make me sick. God had good reason for Adam and Eve not to eat the apple in the garden- They would become mortal and die. Sometimes, there are good reasons why we cannot do things that seem absolutely harmless. While they may be harmless at first, the effect from one choice later on could be devastating.

When I think of the story of Adam and Eve, I used to think "EVE. How could you be so stupid?!?! That fruit had "bad" written all over it! How could you even think twice about eating it?!" In my mind this is what the fruit that Eve ate looked like on the tree:

But in reality? No way. That fruit to Eve looked to her like my caramel apple looked to me. Yes, she knew the possible consequences from eating it, but I fell into the same trap that she did: You won't really know until you try it. And BOOM. Satan comes in. Done. Sin. The whole world changed based on one decision. For the first time in my life, I feel like I cannot despise Eve for what she did. Man, if I was in her shoes and that beautiful caramel apple was hanging on that tree I would have probably eaten it too even if I thought I might die from it.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Sin is not always going to look like a scary apple who is going to bite your face off if you try to eat it. It's not always going to look ugly. Sometimes things that are super bad for us and super sinful are going to look really, really, really good and be super tempting. And a lot of times, we are going to go for it and not realize till afterwards that we really, really screwed up this time. But God's grace and forgiveness is big enough for the biggest screw ups, even Adam and Eve size screw ups. So no matter what "caramel apples" you are facing today, trust that God will forgive you for your past, and know that he will help you avoid the temptation again in the future.

And yes, I did learn my lesson. I will NEVER eat a caramel apple ever again!!!! 

Beautiful Children of God

Today was a great day at Ann Arbor Assembly of God. To be honest, it was one of those days for me that I had to force myself to go. But once I got there, I knew God had big plans with the time I was there.

At my church, we have all different styles of worship. Some quietly sit in their seats and pray, while others come up to the alter and raise their hands and sing as loud as they can, as well as everything in between. Due to it being Missions Sunday, the kids stayed out in worship with their parents instead of going straight back to Victory Kids (aka children's church). Normally, I wouldn't notice something like this, but today there were a few parents and kids that caught my attention. The first thing I noticed- the kids sing very loudly and are not ashamed if they are not on key. They are just so in love with Jesus they can't keep it in. And hearing these kids shout today "IF OUR GOD IS FOR US, THEN WHO CAN EVER STOP US?!" and raising their hands and clapping just brought tears to my eyes. They want the world to know who their savior is! I thought for a brief moment "I wish I felt like I had the freedom to let everything go and worship like they do!" But that is the beauty of what I am learning through going to A3OG, we do have that freedom to worship as children of God!

The second thing I noticed, Pastor Jeremy (our youth pastor) was worshipping up at the front alter with his young son. I watched as his son sang the songs and just kept looking at his daddy and every couple minutes would just break out in a huge smile. After a couple of times of this, PJ looks at him, and he just smiles and bends down and wraps his arms around him and picks him up in a huge hug and they continue worshiping together with the daddy holding his son.

I thought of all these things, and I just started to cry. These things reminded me so clearly that we do not need to have this huge, dignified faith. We need only to have the faith of a child trusting their daddy. And it was just beautiful to see these children so in love with their heavenly father and so trusting of him. It really made me take a step back and listen to what my heavenly father has been wanting to say to me recently.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Stop trying to have it all together. Be free like a child and run to your daddy and fall into his embrace. He loves you SO much and is not requiring anything of you. Just trust him and his embrace tonight. He loves you as his sweet son or daughter, don't ever forget that!!

Jesus Loves YOU

Wow! I have had quite the whirlwhind of experiences here at Concordia over the past few days!! I am only going to highlight one of them though :) 

(Picture from last spring on Ash Wednesday)

This is Sara and PJ Goeke. They came to Concordia from Austin, Texas for the second time to talk to us about sex and relationships over the past few days. Most would think that no one would want to talk to complete strangers about something like this. It's awkward, uncomfortable, and to some may seem unnecessary. But let me just say, these two show the love of Christ in ways I can barely explain. They talked with us as student leaders on how to help our residents overcome sexual temptation through Christ, as well as helping ourselves or our other leaders if that is something we struggle with. We talked about how to set up boundaries in relationships, and how guys and girls think and act and react differently to situations. It was SO informative and so helpful for working on a college campus!

But PJ and Sara did SO much more than just talk to us about sex. On Tuesday, they set aside their entire day simply to interact with individual students. To sit with us, listen to us, laugh and cry and pray with us regardless if what we were facing had to do with the reason why they came to talk to us. They had individual girl/guys night and just spent time getting to know our hearts. I got to spend some time sharing my story with them, and had my mind blown as they shared wisdom and guidance for the area of my life that I am in right now.

And now, today. Their last day at Concordia. After one final session, I gave both Sara and PJ a hug goodbye, and promised to keep in touch with them so that we could continue the conversation we had yesterday. And as I walked out of the chapel, I couldn't help but start to cry. I have only known these people for appx. 3 days, and yet the words they shared with me changed my life both personally, and how I will be interacting with my residents from now on.

I won't go into everything we talked about. Honestly, that would be a blog post in itself, and some of it is just too personal to go blabbing about on the internet. But here is the main point that I walked away with yesterday from my time with them: Jesus Loves YOU. You are his child, his prince or princess. He loves you. Even though you are broken, dirty, sinful and shameful he loves you! SO much that he died on the cross for you- the ultimate form of shame and pain and he did it for you! I read a quote somewhere that said something like "The cross is one of the most common objects that represents hope, healing, forgiveness and love to the Christian church. But when we look back in history crucifixion was the most brutal way to die. How can something so awful be seen as something that brings hope? Because through that horrifying experience God gave us salvation. Without it, we could not be reunited with God." Wow. How powerful is that?! I don't know what you have experienced in your life. Many of you have probably experienced things a lot worse than me. But I want you to truly sit in this and listen to these words today: JESUS LOVES YOU. And he has not now, or will not EVER leave your side. Through every trial you face HE IS WITH YOU. He is taking whatever awful experiences you have had, and going to use them for something absolutely incredible. So. I want to encourage you to take 5 minutes and listen to this song posted below and just rest in his love today. Stop trying to move forward, to heal, to earn more money, to forget the past, WHATEVER it is. Just stop. Listen and sit at his feet and be a child and bask in his love because he ADORES YOU! And only when you truly recognize and accept his love will you truly be free!

Not For a Moment

I'm not going to candy coat this- Today has sucked. I won't go into all the details, but it has just been a tough day all the way around from 8am to the present. As I was angrily trying to find my missing ID card this morning, the song above came up on my Iphone. I heard it and thought "Aw. Thats a nice song." and went about angrily searching.

Later that morning, I got into my car practically in tears to drive to the bank to withdraw the money to replace my lost ID so I could eat and get into my dorm again. I turned on my radio and guess what song was on? Yup. Correct. Obviously God was trying to show me something this morning. I sat in the parking lot for a moment and listened to the words:

" After all You are constant. After all You are only good. After all You are sovereign. Not for a moment will You forsake me"

I really sat and thought through these words this morning. God has not left me for one moment of my life. Yes, while losing my ID and other events of the day were frustrating and hard, He is still here. He hasn't left, and there is a reason.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: God will not leave you, even for a moment. Even if you can't see or hear him, he is there. I know sometimes that is sooooooo hard for me to remember, especially on rotten days like today. But I just want to encourage you and remind you that you are never, ever alone. He is still there with you and isn't going anywhere. He is your constant companion for life. So take comfort in this, and know that you are loved beyond understanding by your savior and no matter how crappy of a day you have he still has a plan for you. 

Don't Quit! Don't Give In! You're an Overcomer!

I'm sitting here after a weekend filled with so much joy, laughter, learning and growth and I just cannot believe that I am where I am at today. I think back to a few short years ago as I started my freshman year at Concordia, and how graduation and my career seemed lightyears away. But now, here I sit four years later with my internship looming ahead and graduation just around the corner and I cannot help but smile.

For the first time this weekend, I started to get excited about my internship. Mind you, the key word is started. I am still very nervous, and still not really looking forward to it but I am in a much better place than I was two weeks ago. It really has blown my mind over the past 3 days how God arranged the perfect people to be together this weekend and have it be at a time when I really needed some good fellowship, and some confidence to spring me forward into my career. We got to see 12 beautiful hospitals and programs and it just made me want to quit school and start working!!! It was simply amazing. And now as I sit here and think through all of this, it is very clear to me that God is in control and has a very precise and amazing plan for my life for not only the next few months, but for my entire life here on earth. 

I am not ashamed to admit on here that there have been times throughout my life when deep in struggle and I would just sit and wonder "Is this all worth it?" Simply questioning whether the amount of work I have put into school and my career would all pay off in the end. But I know now without a shadow of a doubt that yes, yes it is. Because I am starting to see a glimpse of God taking every tear I have cried, and every hardship I have faced and put the puzzle pieces together to form a masterpiece. 

So why am I telling you this? This is my random thought of the day for you: Hold On. Don't give up on your dreams, your passions, your life. God isn't finished with you yet. If he was, you wouldn't have woken up this morning. It may be tough now, but it is going to get better. It may be tough getting there, but trust me it is worth it. I will be the first to say that my life is not a field of daisies and roses. My life some days is HARD and I just want to give up and hide in a cabin by myself for the rest of my life and not deal with the harsh realities of the world. But you can't! You're an Overcomer, and I can't wait to watch and see how God continues to help me overcome, and you as well!!!! 

I will Overcome!

Today has been one heck of a rollercoaster of a day! Good, bad, ugly, and everything in between! It was a fantastic day, until I got a phone call from my top choice for my internship. She told me there is a good chance she will take me, but she cannot gurantee it and I needed to apply to a couple more hospitals just in case. I PANICKED.

You see, after getting off the phone with her I realized this: I forgot to do my Child Life Council Coursework Certification earlier this summer. It takes two weeks to process the paperwork. I cannot apply to 99.99% of hospitals without this paperwork. My applications are due September 5th. Rut Ro!

I worked hard all afternoon trying to clean up my own mess, and finally frustrated and in tears I went to my advisors office and tried to work on it with her. I came out a little less defeated, but still very angry with myself for doing something so stupid. I had dinner with friends who helped me start to see that God was still in control and I needed to just trust him.

Then, I talked with my good friend Ashley, and we just talked about how God has me here for a specific reason, and even if everything falls apart, and I have to go with my advisors "safety net" plan so I will still graduate on time, God is still in control. And you wanna know what else we realized?

I cannot clean up my own mess. I need God. 

Wow. That is hard to swallow. I cannot clean up this mess. I have to let him intervene and take over. That is extremely hard for me to do. I ended up taking a step back and praying about it and I slowly found 3 hospitals I can apply to for the spring! God was slowly starting to show me his power and love and mercy, and I started calming down for the first time allllll day. 

Finally feeling a little better about life, and truly trusting God's plan, I went for a run. And this song stayed on repeat the entire mile run: 

And I realized this: I WILL OVERCOME THIS ROADBLOCK. No, I may not end up doing my internship in Ft. Wayne, but God has got this and I will overcome!!! I will overcome my struggle, and pain and frustration all through Jesus- my overcomer!

So then, full of energy and motivation, I had a great conversation with my friend Stephanie about life and how God was working in our lives. It just encouraged me soooo much as we talked about no matter how much we screw up God still loves us and will use it for his good. 

THEN. Near the end of Offerings we sang this song and Steph ran over and said: "This is your song tonight!" And I realized it was true. I loved the part that said "You make all things work together for my good!" It's true! 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: No matter what you are facing, good bad or ugly God will use it for your good! No matter where I end up for my internship in 4 months God will work it for my good! And while the struggle is not yet over and will not be till October 9th, I trust that He will work all things together for my good!!!!

The Beginning of the End

I sit here in Rebekah Dorm room 1 knowing it is my last night or at least one of my last nights in the "Summer Dorm". I cannot even begin to put into words how incredibly fast this summer has flown by. It truly seems that just yesterday I was asking my lovely, incredible summer roommate Kristen Chenoweth if she would be willing to put up living with me for months. And now here I sit. Appx. 2 months later, and we never fought, never tried to kill each other and we had a great time living together. We've laughed, we've cried, we've screamed and yelled and overall had a great time. I realized something last night though;

It's the beginning of the end.

When I move back into Silas either tomorrow or sometime this week, it will be the last time I move into a dorm. EVER. It's the beginning of the end, the first of lasts, whatever you want to call it. However you look at it, my time at Concordia is coming to a close, and in a lot of ways that absolutely breaks my heart. I cannot imagine leaving this place that I have learned to call home, or leaving my friends who I consider my family. I have had many people ask me over the past few months "Are you excited to be graduating?!" and quite frankly, no, I am not. Right now, I am not so thrilled to be graduating, to be leaving this place, to take on such a ginormus change that will be incredible and exciting, yet painful and sad at the same time. I know there will be tears of joy, and tears of sadness throughout this fall as I complete my final semester of classes, and I know in a lot of ways the closer I get to graduating, the more I may feel that I am not ready to take on this change.

But you know what? I have done something like this before. It was this thing called high school. And while I think this transition will be much more difficult and emotional than my high school transition, I know that I can do it. You wanna know why? Cuz I have God on my side and he is using every day to prepare me for the next step of my journey after graduation.

So yes. I am afraid. I am excited. And I am nervous. But here is my random thought of the day for you: Don't let go. Hold on to every moment that you can. These days go by so fast, and will be gone before you know it. So enjoy the little things, and enjoy this moment of life you are in. Don't try to rush straight to the end and focus on one big thing like I have been doing with graduation. There are so many small moments inbetween that God has placed there just for you. So let go. Be free, and enjoy this life he has given you!! 

Thank You

Almost 4 years ago, I graduated from high school. A place that I grew up in, Kindergarten through twelfth grade. My high school experience was probably a little different than yours- I went to school with a lot of the same kids my entire life. In fact, here are the kindergarten "originals" as we so affectionately called ourselves

Anytime anyone would talk to me about my high school experience I would tell them that my school was like my family. The building? Like my second home. They were always there for me, always helping me grow as a person and in my relationship with Christ. And while that is still true, I realized something tonight after an unfortunate chain of events. The school itself, the structure, the leadership, the literal education? It had absolutely nothing to do with it. The reason why my high school experience was phenomenal was because of the people. Not because of the school itself. Without these amazing people using the talents God has given them, WCA is just another school. Just another building full of classrooms, filled with kids who don't really want to do the work. So I just wanted to take a minute and say thank you to some of my incredible mentors, teachers and the people who are truly my family. Without these people in my life, I can honestly say that I would not be where I am today and my faith would not be where it is today without their leadership, guidance, and love.

Mr. Zylka: I can't even begin to count the numbers of times we had such amazing conversations that truly changed my life. I remember right after you started at WCA, you couldn't remember my name and you bought me my first sub from Subway. I only hope that I can take an itty bit of the passion that you had to serve us as students and to be a Christlike role model and take that into my career to help others. You taught me sooooo many applicable life lessons that I took right to college with me and have used many times to help others. You gave us opportunities that I probably will never have again, and you gave us the ability just to be kids and enjoy life. You taught me that it is okay to make "big asks" because the worst thing that can happen is that they will tell you no! You taught me it is okay to question God, and to really learn how to trust him. You taught us all that we need to believe in our dreams, and trust that God will take us there. You have helped shape me into the person I am today and I cannot thank you enough for that. For the many snacks before soccer games from your snack drawer, your hugs and a big smile on a rough day, and simply everything. Thank you.

Mrs. Johnson: Wow. What can I say? Well first, I am so thankful that God placed you in my life when he did. Your support and love at that time in my life was what I needed in more ways than one, and the lessons I have learned through our relationship over the past few years has helped me grow in ways that I did not ever think would be possible. Thank you for the lunch talks, coffee dates, and simply a listening ear and encouragement when I needed it most. Your spirit of gentleness and calmness has been exactly what I needed in my life even though I don't think I recognized it at the time. You have taught me how to stay God centered, and how to view situations that arise from a Godly standpoint at all times. You have walked with me on a path that not many were willing to stay with me on, and for that I am forever thankful. You have challenged me, loved me, encouraged me, and pushed me. The thing I appreciate most? Is that even when the road was rough, you always had a smile for me. You always kept me focussed on God, and you never stopped loving me even when I was difficult to love at times. Thank you for being such a positive roll model in my life and for teaching me many life lessons that I will remember always.

Mrs. Garrett: Where to begin?! So many fun, fun, fun memories in your classroom! Birthday parties, kids screaming, reading, test taking, grading papers. I loved our long, deep conversations about life and how real you were about life with me. I loved how real you were with your students, and showed them on a daily basis what it means to live a Christ centered life. I greatly, greatly appreciated the days you would let me skip out for a while to go to talk to someone if I needed to, or to catch up on homework. I appreciated simply the fact that you loved me, and you treated me as if I was the most special person who walked into your classroom. And yet, I know that is how it is for every student who meets you because that is the amazing quality teacher that you are. Your love and support got me through some of the toughest times of my Junior and Senior years of high school, and I always knew that if I needed a shoulder to cry on you would be there ready with tissues and a hug. You taught me sooooooo much about working with kids of all ages, and how to see them as who God truly created them to be, and for that I am forever thankful. You encouraged me to pursue Child Life, and to follow my dreams no matter where they took me. Thank you for teaching me how to be a true Christ follower, and how to live my life for him!

Mrs. Russell: Where to begin?! You have taught me so many different things in all areas of my life ranging from class leadership to food allergies and sensitivities. You took a class that was told by so many teachers that we were bad, and impossible to work with, and turned us into a group of hard working, Christ following individuals. You showed us love, and gave us support when not many others did. You gave up personal time to spend it with us planning all of our crazy fundraisers and "Romecoming". Even after moving on from WCA you stayed apart of our lives and challenged us to try new things and to enjoy college as much as we can. You've taught me so much on how to relate to people, and how to build solid relationships personally and professionally. Thank you for all of the hard work you committed to the class of 2010, the Panera lunch dates with "The Girls" and everything else you have done for me, my friends and my family.

Mrs. Osborne: The first word I think of when I think of you is Family. You have been a support for not only me, but for Kristin, my parents, and even my extended family for as long as I have known you. You have gone above and beyond your call of duty showing love to me and everyone else in ways that you didn't have to do. You were there in times of sadness and death, and in times of new life. You were always there to chat with me, laugh with me, and even get angry with me. You never judged myself or my family for the things that we have had to go through, but have always been there to help shine light in the darkness and show us how God is still apart of every situation good or bad. You taught me how to be a responsible student, and showed me grace even when I didn't deserve it. You taught me how to love, and how to show love and forgiveness to others. You were always there to greet me with a smile and a hug, and always willing to help me out in whatever ways you could. Thank you for everything.

These are only a handful of some of the AMAZING people that God has used throughout the years at WCA. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that without these people, I would not be the person who I am today. But it's not because of them- it's because of God. He used each of their gifts and talents to change my life and I am forever grateful and thankful to him that he used them in these ways. I only wish I could find a way to show them my gratitude  as sometimes words do not seem to be enough. As the years have gone by, and continue to go by changes have come and will come to WCA. But even if the building completely falls apart, and every person I have ever known leaves and no longer works there, that will not change the impact that my time at WCA had on my life. Because it's not about the building, or the homework or textbooks or any of that. It's about the people. It's about the lives they have changed and will continue to change no matter where God places them. And so while WCA may not be to me what it used to be, these people will forever hold a special place in my heart. Thank you.

Are You a Leader or a Follower?

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105

I will never forget the conversation I had with John Zylka, one of my teachers and mentors from high school about two days before I graduated. We were talking about how I was terrified to graduate, and truly unsure of where God was leading me. I was unsure of my decision to go to Concordia for quite a few reasons, and truly just afraid of the season before me. I talked to him about how I wished God would just give me a huge headlight so I could see all of the path before me so I wouldn't have to be afraid anymore. Then Mr. Zylka said this to me:

"Marissa, the Bible doesn't say that God's words will be a headlight to show us the whole path, it says a lamp unto our feet. He gives us just enough light to be able to keep moving forward, not so much that we can see the whole path at once, we wouldn't need him otherwise. You need to take one step in front of the other instead of trying to jump right to the finish line of the season." 

I don't know if that hits you in the same way that it hit me, but I hear that and I am just like "Wow." No wonder I keep falling down, I am trying to run through this season so fast I am tripping over everything in my path because I am refusing to walk with God and let him light my path as we slowly walk through the darkness. I keep forgetting that I will get through the darkness, I just have to walk with the light of lights in order to get there. 

I had a moment of panic yesterday. My cellphone is no more. Completely dead. I got so angry at God, thinking "Are you serious?! Why are you throwing another rock in my path?! Thats not fair!" But heres the thing- God always knew that "rock" was going to be there, that I was going to struggle and trip and fall because of not having a phone for a few days. But here is where the light comes in- Because of my dead phone, I realized how stressed out I am right now. And I took the afternoon off work to come sit at Starbucks and catch up on my work for school, and simply have some God time. 

I had run ahead into the darkness, alone with no flashlight. And I tripped and I fell hard. And so now, I am stopping and taking a moment to say again "God, I need some light on this path. Tripping and falling every 10 feet isn't working out so well. Can I do it? Yes. I could. I could do it without him. But quoting another mentor of mine "Yes, you could do it, but at what cost?" I could do it, but get more "cuts, bruises, and scrapes" along the way. So here I am. Taking a step to stop and have God come meet me where I am and choosing to walk this path with him again. Am I saying that I ever stopped following God? Heck no. He never left me, and I never left Him. I knew he was always there with me, I just wasn't letting him be my guide. I was being a leader instead of a follower. Jesus didn't tell me to "lead my life and he would follow". No. He said "Come and follow me." Not vice versa. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you a leader or a follower? Probably a little of both. But here is my challenge for you today; Let him lead you. Step down. Get outta the drivers seat. Let him be in control. Let him be the lamp unto your feet and stop begging for a headlight. Take today for today and stop worrying about tomorrow. It's a rough pill to swallow, I get it. But try it. Trust me. 

We can trust our God-He knows what He's doing.

I just heard this song for the first time yesterday evening, and I just felt that it said everything I have needed to hear for the past week or so. With everything that has been going on, I have said many times "Where is God?! How could he have let this happen?!" I was just talking to my mom last night and she said something along the lines of "Why would God send Lonnie on this journey only to have him not end up being able to do ministry? I just don't get it." And then I went to Lonnie's memorial service in Grand Rapids today, and I thought that the minister summarized it very well. He said:

"God didn't tell us that we need to understand what he was doing, we just need to trust Him." 

I have thought about this a lot over the past few days, what if God sent Lonnie to Concordia so that they could meet all these people who would become their family so that when this struggle, and this battle came they would have people to help them fight? What if God sent Lonnie to Concordia so that he could teach lessons to hundreds of people through his story? When we first look at the story, all we see is the pain, the fight, the struggle. But God did have a master plan throughout all of this. He was with us then, is now, and will be forever. He will never leave us, and he never left Amy and Lonnie. He has a plan, and even though we may not see it in entirety now, when we get to heaven and see the big picture our minds will be blown. 

I thought of another thing last night: This is just a chapter. Cancer was just part of Lonnie's story, it wasn't the entire thing. I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in parts of our lives that we forget that it is only a small sliver of our story, of our testimony. And, all stories have hard/bad parts. Even Jesus life wasn't a field of daises. He was born in a barn, mocked and ridiculed his entire life until he was brutally murdered on a cross. But then: He was reunited with God, his father in heaven. Just like we will be.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Trust God. He knows what he is doing. Things may be rough right now, but he hasn't left you. This is just a scene in your movie, a chapter in your story that may seem awful right now, but I promise it will lead to a beautiful ending: Heaven. So don't get discouraged, don't let life take you down. It's only a season, and it will too come to pass. 

Well Done My Good and Faithful Servant

I have had the privilege of spending time with this amazing family over the past few weeks, and gotten to know them better than I had previous to this summer. The one graduating is Lonnie, and their story is incredible. Lonnie and his wife Amy moved here a few years ago from the Grand Rapids area, literally selling everything from their house and downsizing to a dorm suite so that Lonnie could pursue his dream of getting a degree in youth ministry. 

I first met Lonnie when I was a freshman in college and he worked for our maintenance department. I always seemed to have something wrong with my dorm- whether it be lights, drain not working, ants or whatever. Lonnie always got assigned to my maintenance requests. After two different times of coming early in the morning, he discovered that I was not a morning person, and was usually not awake enough or coherent enough when he showed up at my door at 8 am needing an explanation of what the problem in my suite was. After that, anytime he had to do work in our suite he would always try to tell me the day before so that I wouldn't be caught off guard and cranky when he got there early the next morning. I appreciated that so much, and I never got to tell him that. 

I will never forget February 1st, 2012. We had a required all Family Life student meeting and we were given the news: Lonnie had cancer, and it was bad. We were all in shock, but Lonnie was ready to fight and so were we. Over the next year we did fundraisers, had weekly prayer meetings, and tried to be a support for this amazing Christ follower and his family as much as we could. His strength, his faith, his life, amazes me still. Here he was, after going through chemo, determined to get to class no matter how he felt. Determined to take tests even if he could barely stay awake, passionate beyond belief for what God called him to learn. I watched all of this as I struggled to get my butt out of bed for my 9am classes and wondered how Lonnie had such strength even throughout all that he was facing. His answer: Christ. Without Jesus, we are nothing and I couldn't agree with him more. 

On May 19th, 2013 Lonnie accomplished his one and only goal: Graduation. I bawled like a baby cheering as loudly as I could as he walked across the stage. He did it, through God's help he did it. And then, things took a turn for the worse. Since I am living on campus for the summer, I had the privilege of taking care of Lonnie's four grandkids  They are precious beyond all reason and it absolutely breaks my heart that they will not get a chance to know their grandpa when they are older. I also got to meet his daughters Lucianne and Elise, and spend some time with his wife Amy. I finally felt like I could give back to this family that has blessed me in ways that they do not even realize. Finally, on June 1st, Lonnie left us to go join his heavenly father in paradise. 

My heart is broken for this family. But while we long for Lonnie to still be with us here on earth, he is rejoicing and no longer suffering in heaven with our heavenly Father. Today, the sermon at the church I was at was on 2 Timothy 4:6-8, talking about finishing the race of life well and living for Christ. Lonnie, you were a prime example of running the race well. You persevered through so many trials and gave all the glory to God every single step of the journey. The love and care you have shown to this campus will never be forgotten. I only wish that I had gotten a chance to tell you what an impact you have had on my life in person, but I know that someday we will be reunited in heaven and I can tell you then. We love you Lonnie, and you will forever be in our hearts and minds and your passion for God's work will inspire us to do our jobs as Family Life Workers to a whole new level. Rest in Peace Lonnie, You are home free.

 

Time Flies When You're Having Fun!

Have you ever had one of those moments when you thought "Wow has it really been that long?!" I had one of those moments a few weeks ago. Both of these pictures were taken at my spring Junior formals. The first high school when I was 17, and the second one college at 21.

I can't believe how much I have changed over what has felt to be such a short, short amount of time. If you would have told me at 17 that I would be where I am today and doing the things I am doing, I would have told you that you were insane and talking about someone else, not me.

If you would have told me even a few months ago that I was going to spend my summer peeling tape off of wardrobes and cleaning nasty bathrooms, I would have told you that I wouldn't do that for a million bucks. And yet, I sincerely love my job as hard and nasty as it is.

It's hard for me to believe that my time at Concordia is coming to a close. Time truly does fly when you are having so much fun! I only have one more semester on campus, and then I am off on internship. It's crazy. It's scary. It's exciting. Right now- I am not ready to go. I am not ready to leave my friends, or to be a full fledged adult. But when I look back at the past 4 years, there were many things that I was terrified to do and to face. But I did. And with God's help I got through them. This will be the same. In his timing, I will be ready to face and conquer all that is before.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Don't let time fly by so fast that you don't take the time to enjoy it. Take a break, stop a minute and look back over the life you have lived. Are you living a life that is pleasing to God? Are you enjoying the "little" things such as the sunny day? If you're not, it's not too late to start now. Let God change your life. Go enjoy the little things and color with chalk on the sidewalk. You won't regret it!!

Give Us Strength Between the Cross and Crown

It's been a rough day in my neck of the woods. This song has kind of been my prayer today. My strength has not been enough to face the things this Tuesday has brought before me. I don't have the answers for the people who need answers, and I don't have what many people around me need right now, including myself. But here is the glorious thing: Jesus does.

His spirit is here, our comforter, counselor and breath of life. He is sovereign over everything that has been broken. Looking back over the past 24 hours and seeing the ways God has worked has been amazing. Painful, sad, at some points maddening, but amazing and beautiful.

So here is my random thought of the day for you today: If you are out of strength, let Him be your strength today and forever. His strength is so much better than yours. A simple way I have let God be my strength over the past few days? I prayed over my homework and the time it was taking me. I have a huge project due Saturday morning that I am nowhere near done with. I prayed and was like "God, I have people who need to spend time with me right now, but I need to do my homework as well. Please help me balance the two and show me what I need to spend more time on each day." It has been amazing to see the results! Some days, I work super fast on homework and little to no friends, and others my homework takes forever and I have to spend a lot of time with my friends. But, it is getting done. And it is amazing to see God work in such a small way. Let Him be your strength. He won't fail you. I hope this song puts a smile on your face and a glimmer of hope in your heart like it did for me today.

When Love Sees You, He smiles

Good Friday. I hate to say this, but that has not been my focus today. I didn't go to church, I didn't sing any special songs, I didn't read my Bible. In a lot of ways it was just another day. But in all reality, this day changed the fate of the entire world. It was not just another day. Who am I to not take a step back and acknowledge the day that my Savior died for me?

I babysat for a one year old today. I really enjoyed it, but it was extremely frustrating at the same time. This little boy kept doing the same "bad" things over and over and over again. It didn't matter how many times I said no, or told him it would hurt him. As soon as I took him away he would run right back to it. After 4 hours of this, I literally was about to scream. As I sat on the edge of their fireplace in despair, I thought about this idea. I wondered "Does Jesus ever feel this way about us? He tries to tell us that something is bad for us and lead us away but we still go running back to whatever it is over and over again. Wow that must get tiring!" 

But here is the beautiful thing- Jesus doesn't have the human flaws that we do! (Thank goodness!) He will never tire from running after us when we go astray. He wants us to be by his side and he will do whatever it takes to make sure that happens, no matter what the cost. Even death. Death on a cross. There is no greater love than this! 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: We're not perfect. I say that a lot on this blog. We aren't now, and won't ever be. But Jesus still loves you. No matter how far you have run, no matter how many terrible things you have done He still loves you and always will! He died for you and he wants to be reunited with you in heaven. He will keep fighting for you every day of your life, and will continue to love you even if you reject him. So yeah. Maybe I wasn't a picture perfect example Christian today. Maybe I didn't spend as much time in remembrance as maybe I should have. But you know what? Jesus still loves me and would still have died on that cross for me and me alone. Flaws and all. Wow. That just blows my mind! 

What's Your Name?

Have you ever thought about your unspoken name? The name that is kind of like your second last name? For example- Hello, My name is blah blah, and I am a drug addict. We don't go around telling these things to people right when we first meet them. But we carry these names around as if they truly are our identity. It really is sad.

I saw this shirt at WinterJam and I bought it before even hearing the song to go along with it. It really made me think about how we give ourselves these labels, and we give these labels to others without even realizing it. Have you ever taken the time to realize what your words mean and what a huge impact they can have? Your few words could change someone's life- for good or for bad.

I am coming at you from both directions. I have had these labels stuck in my heart and mind by others over and over again, and they are very hard to remove. Especially if they have been there a while. But I know that I have also done this to others, and that is not okay either.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: What are your labels? What are the things that have become your identity that are not truly part of you? In order to peel them away you have to realize they are there and what they are. But here is the thing- Jesus can help you do both of those if you are willing. You are a child of the One True King and he will do anything to help you along this journey and find your way to Him. You don't have to live a life of labels anymore. Jesus came to set you free, all you gotta do is send out a shout and tell him you need Him.

Lord I'm Struggling, But I am Thankful

Let me be the first to say- I went into this spring break in a crappy mood. Very much so in a "Whyyy meeee" kind of mindset. Everything that has gone wrong in my life over the past few weeks seemed to be magnified in the last few days before break. I kind of got into a mindset of "I have nothing to be thankful for. There is nothing positive to focus on. My whining and complaining is justified."

Today my mindset changed a little bit. I observed for appx. 10 hours at Hurley Children's Hospital today in Flint, MI. Flint is not exactly the nicest town in Michigan, as you probably know. There is a lot of poverty, a lot of problems, and a lot of despair. I watched as these families came into the emergency room for simple things: sore throats, coughs, vaccines, etc. because they cannot afford normal health care. Almost nothing that Child Life saw today would have been brought in to a typical emergency room, but at Hurley they don't turn anyone away. It blew my mind to see all these dysfunctional families, and to watch their interactions with their children. I walked away at the end of the day thinking this: "My goodness. I know my life is chock full of problems right now, but I can at least be thankful for these minor things that I have; food, water, healthcare, the ability to walk, talk, etc." I may be struggling, but boy am I blessed.

An example of this? My gas money for this week. I have to make 4 trips to Hurley this week. That is a lot of gasoline for my car. My bank account is running close to empty. I know my parents can cover me, but that is a frustrating place to be when you want to provide for yourself and you are struggling to budget correctly and have enough funds. I got in the car Saturday morning and I prayed "God, please make my gasoline go farther this week, just like the oil for the widow. Make my oil go farther." I then kinda laughed a little and went on my way. So far since Saturday, I have driven 306 miles. My car usually only gets appx. 216 miles for one tank of gas. Boo yah! I still am not empty yet!! AND- I got a birthday check from my grandparents in the mail, I have a small check to deposit from work that I forgot about, and I got a call yesterday for a babysitting job for Friday. God provides peeps. You just gotta trust Him!

So here is my random thought of the day for you: I don't care how much you are struggling through life right now. There is always a reason to be thankful. Even if it is just one itty bitty thing, there is always something. So find that glimmer of hope and make that your focus for the day. God's got you covered, and he is going to provide for you in ways you can't even imagine, you just gotta trust him and be thankful even in the season of the desert.

I'm Worn.

This song has been like the story of my life since the moment I heard it appx. 7 months ago. I find it beautiful, realistic and relatable. It also describes my life perfectly right now.

"I’m Tired I’m worn, My heart is heavy. From the work it takes to keep on breathing. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve let my hope fail. My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world." The past few weeks have thrown more at me than most people should have to deal with in a matter of years instead of weeks. I had another blow thrown at me yesterday morning and I was just like "Seriously God?! This is getting ridiculous. Can't I catch a break just for a few hours even?!"

I have reached the point where I am mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I don't have the energy to keep on trying to move forward in any area of my life. I have reached a point where I have to say "God, I give up. It's all you. Do what you want, I'm too tired to fight anymore. I surrender."

This is my random thought of the day for you: It is okay to be worn. It is okay to be tired, exhausted and frustrated, even mad at God. It is okay. Let yourself just Be and get through the day. We have to remember that God tells us in 2 Corinthians 12 "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I am weak, but He is strong.