2015- The Fastest Year of My Life

New Year's Eve 2015. My first thoughts? "Holy crap! It's over?! Where did 2015 go?! Wasn't I just sitting in my living room writing a blog post a few days ago about how excited I was for 2015 and living in Missouri?! WOAH." And now here I sit thinking over the great moments of this year, and the awful moments of this year, pondering if next year will be better or worse.

I am a HUGE goals person. I like structure, lists, and checklists. I like feeling accomplished when I set out to do something and actually accomplish it. I love checking in with myself at the end of every year and seeing what goals I was able to accomplish, and readily setting new goals for the next year.

But this year? Something is different. I don't have the motivation to set goals for next year. All I can think about when I think about 2015 is "Thank God I survived." Was it a bad year? No. Not at all. My time at Shelterwood was HARD don't get me wrong. A lot was painful, and a lot was brought up and thrown in my face. My character was challenged every single day, and refined to be more Christlike in all I say and do. But that being said, I feel like 2015 put me through a ringer. I am exhausted, and looking forward to a year with more stability, and praying for less chaos. I look back on all the lessons that God has taught me over this year, and I am beyond amazed and thankful for all the lessons I have learned and continue to learn. And if I had the chance, I wouldn't change the experiences that I have had this year.

I met SO many amazing people this year- Elise, Bailey, Caitlin, Jessica, Kari, Amy, all my littles, and so many more forever friends. My relationships with family and friends became stronger even though I was MIA for most of the year and unable to communicate well or take care of myself sometimes. My faith has increased SO MUCH and I couldn't really ask for much more than that. 2015 was filled with many great adventures to see many friends- I got to go to many different states that I hadn't been to before- Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, Iowa, Pennsylvania, Virginia, and DC. I got to see lots of cool movies, hang out with many friends, read some great books, had lots of wonderful coffee dates, learn more about myself, eat really cool foods, explore new places, and overall had a wonderful time.

So here is to 2016. I don't have a resolution in mind. I don't have a bunch of things I want to change about myself. I just want to have a year where I feel free to be me in whatever context that may bring- both good times and bad times. I know God will use it all for His glory and I am excited to look back at this time next year and see where he led me.

If you're reading this, thanks for doing life with me, and taking time to read this. You're a gem! Happy New Year!

Month 9 Update- My Hope is in Him Alone

I realize this post is a few days past the 16th, but I figure better late than never. I've had a LOT going on the past few weeks, so remembering to do small things has been quite a challenge. How have I been this month? I feel like the picture is a good representation- I feel like I am going through fire. 

It's starting to become really real to me that I am never going back to Shelterwood. I've watched on Facebook this month as girls who are very near and dear to my heart have been graduating and it is seriously killing me that I am not there. I miss them everyday. People ask me all the time if I am glad to be home. Yes, I am glad that I am home so that I can make my health a priority. But other than that? No, I am not so thrilled about it. Yes, there are perks to being home, a lot of them at that. 

I got to see my friend Jessica for the first time since August this weekend. It was the first time I had seen someone from Shelterwood since I left. We had a really good time together, and I realized how much I truly miss the work I was doing and the girls, and my co-workers. After I dropped her off at the airport I cried. A lot. I listened to the song by MercyMe "Homesick". I'm homesick for the good times I had at Shelterwood. I'm homesick for all the good memories I made before things changed at the end of the summer. I am homesick for fun times with my girls and crazy laughs and deep talks with my co-workers. 

I think of the Israelite slaves who were homesick for Egypt because it was comforting and familiar regardless of the fact that they were slaves, and I feel like a slave longing for Egypt. They didn't want to go back to slavery- but they did want to go back to an "easy" life where they didn't have to figure anything out. They simply did as they were told. I don't miss working 80 hours a week. I don't miss horribly intense panic attacks. I don't miss having limited free time and never getting to see or talk to my family or friends. But there are a LOT of good things that I do miss, and things that I miss that were not good for me. I miss being able to put my girls first and myself second and ignore what was going on in my heart even though that was NOT healthy at all. I miss being SO busy that I never had time to take care of myself. Again NOT healthy at all. But in a lot of ways it was easier than the season I am in right now because it was predictable and familiar.  I know that God brought me home for many reasons. He is working in my heart in ways I could have never comprehended. I thought of this part of the song "Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways. The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know but, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same cause I'm still here so far away from home. I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow, I've never been more homesick than now." I don't understand what God is doing right now. I don't understand why he lead me to Missouri only to bring me home after what felt like wayyy too soon. I don't understand why He allowed the circumstances to come together so that I had to leave Shelterwood in a traumatic way and not say goodbye to many people that I love dearly. But I feel like if I even if I did completely understand why He brought me home, the pain would be the same. I would still miss my girls, and the pain of him chiseling away my impurities would still be excruciatingly painful. 

I wish I could say I wasn't still bitter. I wish I could say I wasn't angry anymore that I am home, but in reality? I am. My heart is frail, and hurting. My emotions have been all over the place this month, and it has frustrated me in so many ways but as I sit here typing this I know God is healing me, and in order to heal it has to hurt for a bit. I know from past the pain will slowly get easier with time, one minute at a time. I am starting two new jobs next month, Christmas is coming, and I know God is working. I thought of another song while I was writing this that I first heard at a church called Redeemer in Kansas City. Take time to listen to it, you won't regret it. 

I love the part "When my pressings faint Lord, I know you hear, though I can barely speak

And I beg of you please draw me near, for I am much too weak. For God alone my soul wait in silence. For my hope is from him in God alone." I can barely speak right now- my energy and time is limited and my heart hurts more often than it doesn't. But I know God is working. And I am choosing to keep my trust and hope in Him because I know He will not fail me now. So here we go. Another month down, another one to go. The main thing I have learned this month? That I am really proud of myself for leaving Shelterwood even though I didn't want to. I am really proud of myself for trusting God to carry me through even though the waters have been rough and deep. I am really proud of myself for pushing on, when a lot of times my circumstances tell me not to. I have no interest in quitting. I will keep pushing on because God is not through with me yet, and my hope is in Him alone.

Month 8 Update! It's Time to Let the World See What You're Made Of!

(Disclaimer: I am SO sorry if this is all over the place. I am just really happy and my brain often goes faster than my fingers can type. My sincerest apologies! :) ) 

Eight months. WOW! It seriously feels like just yesterday I was walking through the doors of Shelterwood, and yet here I sit at my favorite spot- Washtenaw Ave Starbucks in good ol' Michigan. And yet, I am AMAZED and THRILLED to be here. I couldn't say that a month ago. A month ago? I was bitter, angry, hurting and truly not okay in any sense of the word. But seriously, watching God transform my life this past month has been unbelievable! I am truly the happiest and most alive that I have ever been in my life. Do I still get anxious? Absolutely. Do I still struggle with depression occasionally? Absolutely. And yes, I am still only working part time and living with my parents. But you wanna know what changed? I stopped fighting it, and I stopped hating myself for where I was at in life. 

I walked out of Shelterwood feeling like the biggest piece of crap EVER. I felt like a failure that would never work with kids ever again. I felt like my past was 100% going to dictate my future, and there wasn't really a lot of hope left for me. In short, I was a MESS. A hot mess. I had gotten SO wrapped up in so many things that happened to me while I was at the 'wood and in my past that I had literally buried myself in pain and regret and could not get myself out. I saw no purpose for the pain I had experienced, and was so unsure of what I was even going to do with myself once I survived my year at Shelterwood and came back to Michigan. And when I finally left? It reinforced to myself what an utter failure I was, and I was so so ashamed and had a rough couple weeks when I first returned to Michigan.  

But one day after another bought with anxiety and a minor panic attack because yet again I couldn't find a full time job after searching for HOURS I took a deep breath and said to myself "Marissa, honey, this has got to stop. You've got to give yourself some grace! Think about all the GOOD things you learned at Shelterwood. You would never put these expectations on someone else in your shoes, so why do it to yourself? You are a human BEING not a human DOING. God will provide. It's okay to just BE where you are. No one is judging you, its gonna be okay." And with that, I stopped. I stopped hating myself for not being able to work full time. I stopped beating myself up every time I wanted to take a nap. I stopped nagging myself to apply for jobs. I let myself eat when I was hungry, sleep when I wanted to sleep, I admitted to friends when I was having a bad day. I started being honest with my counselor again. In reality? I started to LIVE again, maybe for the first time in my life. And my heart has flourished! It's incredible!!!! The only answer? God. I have prayed more in this past month than I think I have ever before, simply praying that God would give me the desire for HIS plan for my life and not my own, and give me the strength to simply rest and let Him handle the tough stuff. 

I have LOVED this song from the moment I heard it, it has been my anthem for the month to say the least! 

I love it all, but these parts especially: 

Sometimes the world feels like a mess

Full of drama, full of stress

And life puts a fist right in your ribs

You can hide if you choose to

And no one would even blame you

Or you can let them see how you deal with it

That even in the darkest place

His love can make you radiate!

(chorus)

Doesn’t matter how deep, how dark the night is

Keep hoping, keep on shining

And they’ll see His light burning in your heart!

And if the road gets rough, just keep your head up

Let the world see what you’re made of

That His love’s alive in your deepest parts

Like a flame, like a burning star you can shine right where you are

He made you to glow in the dark! 

I loved the part that says "You can hide if you choose to and no one would even blame you! Or you can let them see how you deal with it, that even in the darkest place His love can make you radiate!" That hit me one day, and I was like "Okay world! It's time to show you what I'm made of- JESUS!" I was praying at church yesterday and God brought this verse to my mind:

Satan intends to use my pain against me, and he got me pretty good while I was at the 'wood. He got me more defeated than I thought I had ever been in my life. BUT. God also brought SO MUCH STINKING GOOD out of it I just want to proclaim it from the rooftops because through it I found HIM. I found Jesus! And God will NOT let this pain go to waste, He promises that many times throughout the word. We just have to choose to believe it. And finally? I am choosing to believe it! 

My "plan" (I use that loosely now lol) looks a lot different now than I thought it would even 2 months ago. But I know this is the right plan for me. I am applying for nannying jobs, and jobs working with kids and teens as I pay back my student loans and work on some stuff in counseling. This is where my priority is right now, and that's totally okay! My later plan is to start grad school in the near future and go back to school to become a counselor and get my certification as a play therapist. I cannot, cannot wait to use children's natural language (play) and guide them to healing through the love of Jesus. I want to guide children and parents to the love of Jesus and show them who can truly save their lives. Who can blow up the chains of depression, anxiety, and addiction through HIS name alone! So no. I am not finishing my "year" I may not be a Shelterwood graduate. But you know what?  I am not now, nor have I EVER been a failure. This year has still ROCKED my world and I am forever eternally grateful and I can't wait to see how God continues working! It's gonna be phenomenal, and I am thankful you are coming along on the ride with me! 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: You are NOT a failure. It does not matter if the CEO or President of your company tells you that you are- YOU ARE NOT because GOD says so! You can shine wherever you are, and I hope and pray that this encourages you today to take a look at the lies that you believe about yourself and challenge yourself to let God rock your world and show you who you really are through him!

Life is a Climb, but the View is Great

I just finished day two of working at Concordia once again. If you had told me a year ago that at this time next year I'd be back living at home and working at Concordia doing maintenance, I would have told you you were BEYOND crazy because I would never let that happen! I was getting a real job! But in reality? Here we are. And surprisingly, I am okay with it.

You see, at first I was horribly embarrassed to be home, working a job like maintenance barely able to sleep, eat and function like a normal person sometimes. I was so anxious about going to work my first day... All I could think was "What will my profs think?! What will my mentors think?! What will students I know think?! Everyone is going to be SO disappointed in me!" But in reality? It went TOTALLY fine! I was greeted with excitement, compassion, warm hugs and prayers. I quickly realized? This is okay. This season is okay. I am okay. No, the situation is far from ideal. But after talking with my former profs and mentors it became more and more clear to me that this is EXACTLY where God needs me right now, and I am more loved by my Concordia family than I have ever realized.

As I have worked the past two days, realizing quite quickly that the physical task of cleaning is exactly what my mind and body need right now to keep healing and moving forward, I have had a thought run through my head:

"I wish someone would have told me that I didn't have to have my life completely figured out right after college." 

I wish someone would have told me I might not land my "dream job" as soon as I crossed the stage. 

I wish someone would have told me that life after college might be a rollercoaster, and not a smooth ride.

I wish someone would have told me that it is completely okay and acceptable to work jobs like maintenance or food service just to make a living even if you have a college degree. 

I wish someone would have told me how hard it would be to no longer be living with my best friends and have them available to me 24/7. 

I wish someone would have told me that I might still be trying to figure out how to be an adult at 23. 

I wish someone would have told me that I would probably still be working through personal stuff at 23. 

I wish someone would have told me that it's okay to work at a job because I love it even if it doesn't make me a lot of money. 

I wish someone would have told me that it's okay to get overwhelmed, and that they'd be there to walk me through it. 

I wish someone would have told me just how hard, but incredibly exciting this whole experience would be. 

I caught a glimpse of some of these ideas right after I graduated. In one of my sessions my therapist said to me "Marissa, transitioning out of college was the hardest thing I've ever done and experienced other than childbirth, especially if you have no one to guide you and walk you through it and most people don't." At the time, I thought she was crazy. Boy was I so so wrong! 

College is like the honeymoon phase of life. You get this great idea of what you want to do with your life, and you are given a bunch of tools to make that a reality. And in reality? You will!.... Eventually. It's not an overnight process for most. And for some it is, and they land their dream job right off the bat and it all appears great. But in reality? Being an adult is still hard even while it is super super exciting. And I am finally realizing that it is okay to simply just stop and breathe. It's okay for me to take a season to take care of myself. It's okay for me to sit down and think through what steps I want to take next. It's okay for me to be working maintenance indefinitely. Because in reality? My life is just getting started. And I would rather take the time now while I am reasonably young to really take care of myself and set myself up for success in the future. I hope this is an encouragement for those soon to be graduating or who have just graduated. I hope it helps you realize that you dont have to have your life all together when you walk across that stage. I hope for those who are way past graduating this encourages you to encourage someone in my age range. Take them out for coffee. Buy them a tank of gas. Take them out to the movies. Encourage them. Love on them. Chances are they probably need it and will appreciate it! 

Month 7- To Every Thing There is a Season

Well here we are. Another month gone, and here I sit at Starbucks. Again. ;) Technically my 7 months isn't till tomorrow, but as this has been a beyond crazy and not typical month I think it's perfectly acceptable to post a day early.

As many of you know, but many do not-I'm in Michigan, not Missouri. I'm home. I've struggled with what exactly to write in this update, only knowing that it still needed to happen, even if it hurts my heart to write it. I know that this part of sharing is part of my grieving process, and I need to do it in order to start healing.

This blog is not the place for my dirty laundry- I am not here to bash myself or Shelterwood. Personally I love them both for their good qualities. I think of the verse in Ecclesiastes that that talks about how there is a time for everything under the sun, dancing and mourning. When I first made the decision a few months ago to most likely end my time with Shelterwood, I was confused and angry at myself and at God. I was angry that God would lead me to a place only to have me leave a short 6.5 months later. And yet in my heart it was clear- God had fulfilled his purpose for me at Shelterwood and it was time to go. And I fought that for a good long time. Well over a month. I sat and argued with God, and my co-workers as I sank farther and farther into a pit of knowing that I was trying to make myself fit in a place where I no longer belonged, but I desperately wanted to belong more than anything in the world. And yet, as hard as I fought I just couldn't make it work. And in a lot of ways that crushed me, but in a lot of other ways it empowered me.

I made the decision to leave Shelterwood, and while it did not go how I planned at all, I know God still had a hand in it. Nothing that happened to me while I worked there was out of his control or his hand. Other than deciding to quit Child Life, this is the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. I miss my girls more than any words can say. I miss doing life changing work. I miss pouring into peoples lives every moment of every day. But in reality? There is a reason I left. I left because I had to take care of myself and working at Shelterwood made it difficult for me to do that. I left to take care of myself and my health, because what kind of example would I be to my girls if I was teaching them self care and boundaries, yet I had no self care or boundaries for myself? I have to keep telling myself that the best thing for them, and the best thing for myself and everyone else in my life was to leave, come home and heal.

That doesn't mean I am not heartbroken. I've only been home a little over a week, and it feels like its been an eternity. I wonder everyday if I made the right decisions? If I handled things the right way? If If I could have done something better, to make it easier? But in reality I know- that everything happened exactly how it was supposed to even if it was horrible. This past week has shown me the true value of who actually matters in my life and is a true support for me, and who was just along for the ride to see what they could gain by being my "friend".

I don't walk away from Shelterwood feeling like a failure, although some felt that I was because I did not finish my "year". I got home and felt that I had to immediately convince the world that I am not a failure! I had to give it one last fight, and show the world that my life is filled with purpose, and I will not let anyone label me like that! I was angry and bitter and hurt, and I would be lying if I said those seeds are not still present. In reality, I've had to pick myself up off the floor in defeat MANY times since I've been home and realized that I have nothing to prove to anyone. It's a journey. And journeys have up and downs. And while I am definitely in the "down" part of the journey right now, my heart can still say this: I walk away from Shelterwood my life being changed. I walk away knowing more about myself, and my past, and what needs to change for my future. I walk away with some incredible relationships that I know will be life long friends, and girls that have touched my heart in a way I cannot describe and I miss more than anything on earth. I may not be able to be a daily part of their life, but I can pray for them. I can love them from afar. I walk away knowing that I am not the same. I walk away with a real relationship with God, that is based on love and his forgiveness and mercy and grace instead of fear. And I can't ask for anything more than that.

I came to Shelterwood completely broken. I was depressed, and my life was a mess. I had NO idea what God wanted me to do with my life, and I was desperate for something to change. I got to the wood, and I met some of these incredible humans:

The August Bigs. Wow. You are an incredible group. You each challenged me and encouraged me in a way that is hard to put into words. While sometimes it was sitting praying with me, and talking to Jesus, other times it was one of you knowing I was going to have a panic attack and getting me ice cubes before the words could leave my mouth. You all challenged me to be exactly who God created me to be. You told me when I did things right, and called me out when I did things wrong and showed me a better way to do them. You encouraged me to stay at Shelterwood, and cried with me when I started talking about leaving. From deep conversations, movie nights, and climbing the rafters on nightwatch, Thank you. Thank you for showing me the love of Christ in such real, incredible inspiring ways and showing me what it means to be a real, true servant of Christ. 

My Roommates (Plus Kathy who wasn't present for the picture) Wow.
Elise, my Facebookless friend who will never see this ;) Thank you. Thank you for encouraging me from the moment I got to Shelterwood. Before we even met, you were such an encouragement to me. You never ever ever judged me, even when I was in an angry rage and upset you simply loved. You simply brought it all back to Jesus. I love your quiet spirit, and your gentle encouragement. I loved our deep nightwatch talks, and rotating naps, and laughs about your weird drinks. I miss movie nights, and junk food and trips to thrift stores, and simply talking about how incredible Jesus is.
Emily, while I only knew you a short time before I left, Thank you. Thank you for always being a sounding board for me, and encouraging me no matter what the cost. Thank you for checking in on me after I'd left and simply being a caring, loving person. The love of Jesus is SO evident in you, you are going to do incredible things for the kingdom!
 I miss you so much my sweet friends. Thank you for being a part of my journey through the wood. 

These ladies. These ladies held the girl's house down like CHAMPS!
Kari, Lisa, Clara, Renee- you all have such an incredible way of meeting people right where they are at.  You all have your things that you especially enjoy, and God seems to lead people to you who need exactly where you've been, or what you enjoy. Like Clara and her cats, or Kari and baseball or Lisa and deep conversations or Renee and biking. You find the thing in people that makes them "them"  and inspires them and you run with it. You radiate Jesus. I've had hard conversations about many things with all of you, and it always blew my mind how you found the strength to keep pressing on, and to keep loving our girls. Thank you for challenging all of us, and pushing us to grow, and to take care of ourselves at all costs. I will remember the many life lessons I caught while watching you all do life and ministry with each other, with us on staff, and with our girls, and use them for the rest of my life. Thank you for showing me what it means to be a Godly leader, and how to truly disciple those younger than me. 

These people BLEW. MY. MIND. And this isn't even all of them! The way they showed love and compassion, and grace was unfathomable. I did not understand it AT ALL. I was SO curious! I was like how on earth do they do this?! Where does this "love" come from?! How do they know how to do this? How can I learn?! And I very very soon realized- it had NOTHING to do with them. At all. It was all about Jesus. And that frustrated me.

I spent a long time questioning why these people had joy in their faith and I simply didn't. I asked a lot of questions, brought up a lot of insecurities, and tried to understand a lot. And God worked in that in an incredible way. He made himself real to me, and is continuing to do so. By coming to Shelterwood, I found God. The real God, the Father that I have run from and despised for so long. In reality? I'm still finding Him. I've got a LOT of things that the world has made me believe about faith that are far from true. But, I've realized there is NO way I am coming out of Shelterwood a failure, because I am finally finding Jesus, and what more could be a success story?!

This song is my Shelterwood theme song as I call it, because it is exactly the journey God has taken me on these past 6 months and is continuing to take me on now. Enjoy :)

So here is my random thoughts of the day for you: I am still broken. I am hurting a lot right now. If you see me, be gentle. My emotions are sporadic, and sometimes I cry about random things. But, I know I am where I am supposed to be. I am right where God needs me for this next step of my journey, as painful as it may be I am home for a season of healing, and learning, and I am content. God is revealing himself more and more to me and I couldn't ask for anything else. I would appreciate your prayers, grace, and encouragements. Thank you all for your support and love on this journey. I am still planning on posting monthly updates, I think the 16th will forever stand out in my memory, and is a nice reminder for me to slow down and think about what God is teaching me.

It's the Final Countdown! 6 months down, 6 to go!

Here we are. My 6 months came and went yesterday and I honestly was a bit shocked when I realized it was my 6 months. I was like HOLY COW. I am halfway done with my year here. Where did the time go?! I still feel brand new, what is this madness?! This past month has most definitely been the hardest for me. I've cried more and been more frustrated than ever before here at the 'wood. I have questioned God many many times, wondering what on earth I am doing here and if I should just give up and go home. It's gotten harder as I've gotten to know the girls, the attacks from them are more personal, and yet at the same time their apologizes are more sincere. Its been beautiful to see their hearts change slowly but surely and heart breaking to see some of them simply not be ready to make the change. I wish I had a simple summary to explain what God has been teaching me this month. I think the biggest thing I have started learning this month is this- God is constant when nothing in my world is constant. God is the same through the trial and the change, and His definition of me and what he thinks of me is not changing day to day based on my performance. I've realized how much I assume that people define me and see value in me only based on what I do for them, and how I feel that I build my relationships around what I can do for people and what they can do for me and honestly that is a sad life. I've struggled with letting my co-workers know the real me, and my struggles simply because life here is hard, and I already have so much on my plate that sometimes I just don't want to take the time to get to know people. I've worked my butt off trying to prove my worth to them, and it's cost me greatly. Because in reality? They know my worth without me proving it to them. I've just got to teach my brain that and let myself begin to accept that even if I never did another nice thing for anyone ever again there would still be people who love me, which my brain really cant understand. I've tried to be the hero over and over again, and I finally have reached my limit. I started getting sick this week and I reached the point today where I said to my co-workers "I can't take on 500 things today and help everyone. I physically can't. I need reminders to let other people step in and do things." And yet throughout it all, God hasn't changed. He simply whispers in my ear day after day "I'm still here. I still love you and I am still for you." My relationship with God has become SO much more real. Sometimes I sit and ponder why I am here at Shelterwood when I'd rather be at home with my niece and nephew with a real job and an apartment, working at a job where I don't get called awful, horrendous names simply because I told someone to come inside. And yet then I remember-God is real to me now. I get it. My faith is no longer a checklist, but a lifestyle. I recognize my need for God and I want Him. And thats all that really matters in the long run. Have I built the lifelong friendships here with people that I dreamed of when I decided to come here? At this point probably not. Do I have amazing relationships with my littles like I dreamed of? Not exactly. But is that all okay? Yes. It is. Because while this experience hasn't been anything like I dreamed it would be, it's changed my life. Although I cannot say I've reached the point where I'd say I wouldnt change any of it, I know its all been for my good. And even though the hardest parts, God is teaching me that He is my constant. Not what others think of me. And for the first time in my life, I am actually starting to believe it. Praise Him!

So here we are. Another 6 months ahead. At least thats the plan. God may make me leave early or stay longer, but I am leaving that part up to Him. Please continue praying for myself and my girls, and the staff that God would meet us each where we are at. Pray for wisdom for staff, encouragement and strength for the girls, and perseverance and clarity for myself.

Musings from the Mitten

Here we are. Coming to the close of a 6 day vacation. It's been crazy, busy, and wonderful. I've learned so much about myself over the past week, and truly seen how much I've grown and changed in the past 5 months, its really incredible. I had two major thoughts and life lessons that have poured through my mind this week. The first? These two.

Nothing has filled my heart like spending time with these two this week. Watching them run, jump, scream, laugh and play has brought me SO much joy! I had a moment as I was watching Levi play a few days ago, where I thought "If God feels the same way about us, that I feel about these kids, I finally understand His love." The love I have for these kids is overwhelming, empowering. I would do anything for them, anything to protect them. I would jump in front of a moving train for them if I had to. Sometimes, I have to disappoint them. I have to let them get hurt. I have to punish them so that they can learn. And yet, it just blows my mind the overpowering love and compassion I have for them. They could screw up a million times, and I will never stop loving them. I haven't seen them in 5 months, and yet when I saw them for the first time, I almost cried. It didn't matter. I didn't hate them for not talking to me, all I cared about was that I got to spend the next six days with them. God is the same way. He isn't going to be mad at us for straying away. He isn't going to stop talking to us if we don't make time for Him everyday. He is just going to be patiently waiting for us to come back to Him, just like I was patiently waiting in the airport for Levi. He just loves us, and craves that time with us. Wow. How beautiful is that?! 

Second lesson? I've learned to cherish the small things. Like taking a shower. At Shelterwood, everything is scheduled for the girls right down to when they are allowed to use the bathroom. When I first got there, my entire perspective was that they were at Shelterwood for a reason, and there are reasons why we have rules. I have had one of my girls say to me ALL the time- "Marissa, I wish you'd just understand how frustrating it is to have someone telling you ALL the time what you can do and what you can't do. Sometimes I just want to be 16 and take a shower when I want to take a shower!" I'd always reply that I did understand how frustrating that is, and I am sorry that she couldn't do what she wanted when she wanted. But I didn't really understand. Now? I understand. I have had the luxury of taking a shower when I want. Eating what I want whenever I want. Taking a nap whenever I wanted. Playing games. Watching TV. I forgot HOW AMAZING normal life is! Holy crap! And if I am being honest, its gonna be SUPER hard going back to Shelterwood tomorrow and my very very structured life. It's also given me an amazing new sense of compassion for my girls, and realizing how much it sucks to be told what you're doing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 

It's been quite the week. I'd be lying if I said I was ready to go back to Shelterwood no questions asked. The vacation has been wonderfully refreshing and relaxing. It's gonna kill me to leave my kiddos, my friends, mentors and family. But at the same time? I miss my Shelterwood munchkins. I've spent some serious time reflecting over this break and praying about my time there, and I am ready to get back to the ministry God has called me to. I am coming back refreshed and rejuvenated, and ready to make some changes to my life there. It's bittwersweet, but exciting. I am ready to see how God is going to work in my last 7 months at the 'wood. So here we go. It's been beautiful Michigan, but this girl's gotta get back to the 'wood! 

5 Months Down, 7 to Go!

Grace wins in the end. 

I feel like that is the summary for this month. I was having yet another bad panic attack the other day and talking about what triggered it with my co-worker Bailey afterwards. I talked to her about how hard it is for me not to perform and feel like I have to be perfect in other to be loved. I have this mindset that as long as I have panic attacks, I am no good to my team and I am not loveable, and should just give up and go home already. But slowly I am learning that this is not true. As I battled a few panic attacks this week I noticed a change in my mindset- instead of repeating what a screw up I was and how mad at myself that I was because I was having yet another panic attack, I found myself whispering to myself "God still loves you. He's still using you even though its hard right now. Your team still loves you even though its hard right now. It's gonna be okay Marissa, It's gonna be okay." After my last panic attack and talking with Bailey I told her that I feel like God is calling me to stay at Shelterwood even through this very intense trial so that I can learn what His grace truly looks like and learn that I deserve to be loved no matter what the circumstance. She said to me "Marissa, you are so so loveable. So loveable. His grace is enough, and our grace will supplement that." In short what does this mean?! PROGRESS! Yes, I am still having panic attacks. But I went for a few months without having almost any at all and I am confident the numbers will go down again soon. My mindset is changing, and thats all I could ever ask for. In the words of my loveable mentor Kari as I talked with her last week; I've also been throwing a lot of temper tantrums. I've been angry, upset and anxious because so many people that I have grown to love are leaving one after another. A lot of them have been panic attacks, but a lot have been temper tantrums as well. I have been taking out every ounce of my emotion out on everyone around me, and its gotta stop. I've gotta realize that I belong to Jesus, and every moment is part of His plan and it's gonna be okay. I came here five months ago not knowing a soul, and in that short time these people have changed my life and I am eternally grateful. I can't wait to see how God works in these next 7 months and helps me build even more relationships. 

I am not ready to give into this battle yet,  I have to keep fighting. I re-read a post I wrote a few months ago about wearing spiritual armor. I most definitely haven't been wearing my armor. I haven't worn my helmet, and I haven't held up my shield to extinguish the arrows of the devil. Kari has told me so many times that my biggest problem right now is really really simple: fear. I am terrified of what is to come in the future, and terrified to face my past. These inner demons are wreaking havoc on my life and I am tired of it, but I absolutely refuse to give up. Its time to put on the armor and start fighting back. 

The easy thing to do would be to go home. To give up on this job that God has called me to and to do the easy thing and get a "real" job and forget that I ever came here to change my life. But I absolutely refuse to do that. The changes I am seeing in myself and in my girls is incredible, mind blowing, and humbling. I love my job. I love my job more than any describable words can say. I love my coworkers and the lessons I am learning each and every day. My relationships with my girls are getting stronger every day and my relationship with God is becoming more real everyday. I have to simply keep reminding myself that Grace will win in the end. I would appreciate prayers as I navigate some changes that are happening, and as I seek God more and more. God is doing great things at the 'wood and I am thrilled to be apart of it! :) 

It's Okay to Not Be Okay, This is a Safe Place

This song. I've been trying for a good week now to put into words where I am at emotionally right now, and have been unable to find any to really put into words how I feel. I have been ALL over the place over the past few weeks. There is a lot of transition taking place at Shelterwood right now- it's the time of year when contracts end, and new staff start filtering in to start their contracts. And it's a whole heck of a lot harder than I ever imagined that could be. Don't get me wrong- I am SUPER excited to meet the new staff. It is going to bring a wave of freshness, new, and excitement and passion to our house that is definitely needed. But at the same time? I am sad. I am sad because I am JUST starting to take down my walls of protection with people here. I am just starting to let them in and see the real me for all that its worth, and now they are leaving. And that is hard for me to deal with. I've always struggled with relationships and change, but Shelterwood takes it to a whole new level. The struggle is real my friends.

The anxiety has been unmanageable and bearing it's ugly head a lot the past few weeks. Lots of panic attacks and tears. It's frustrating, but I've gotten to a point where I don't fight it anymore, I just ride out the storm. During a panic attack, I often hold my breath (not on purpose!) and it feels like I am choking to death. (Probs one of the worst feelings you could ever experience.) I heard this song for the first time today, and I loved the part that says "Just let go let His love wrap around you and hold you close. Get lost in the surrender, breathe it in until your heart breaks. Then exhale." I thought of my panic attacks, and the moment when I am calm enough to start inhaling and exhaling normally. It's like sweet relief that pours over me. Often times I will start crying if I am not already simply cuz it feels SO GOOD to just be breathing normally again. And I love that image- of breathing in His love until my cold heart breaks, and I can exhale all the pain.

I've been SO frustrated with where I am at currently, personally. I am told by staff/co-workers and even the littles that I am doing a great job but often times it doesnt feel like it. It never feels like enough. I am constantly asking myself- "What do I need to be doing to better?" I've told myself SO MANY TIMES that I am okay, and I am loveable just the way I am. I don't need to perform in order to be loved, and yet my stubborn mindset stays the same. It's so hard, when I desperately want to change my thinking patterns and behaviors but I simply feel so so so stuck.

I loved the part of the song that says "There is still hope here." I would be lying if I said I haven't had the "I've thrown in the towel" attitude about Shelterwood recently. And realistically, it's not Shelterwoods fault. It's the attitude I am choosing to take on about the changes. I am angry about all the transition, and taking that out on EVERYONE in my life. And as I was sitting in my car and heard the words whispered "There is still hope here." it was like my mind stopped realing for a second and said "What am I missing? How I can see the hope here?" My best friend said the same thing to me tonight- "Marissa, there is still hope for all of this. You are in a REALLY rough season, but there is always hope." I love that. I know there is still hope. I just gotta find it.

I tend to isolate when I am struggling. I stop talking to those I need most- God, my friends, my therapist, mentors, co-workers, family, disciplers, everyone. I pull away and try to fix it all by myself. And for a really long time (think 23 years) it worked. It worked well. Because I was fully convinced that I could not trust anyone fully, ever because they would hurt me and abandon me emotionally if not even physically leave me. But for the first time in my life? It's no longer working. Pulling away is not fixing my problems, and its left me dumbfounded and quite frankly trying to figure out what to do now. And today when I heard this song I realised:

It's okay to not be okay

This is a safe place.

What do I need to do? In a way, nothing. But, I do need to LET Love wrap around me, and stop trying so hard to be loveable and just be loved. Especially God's love. I need to stop fighting it, and let the spirit tear down the walls that only He can, and reconcile my heart to His, and finally exhale all this pain I've kept bottled up as long as I can remember. And the beautiful thing? Shelterwood is a safe place. It really freaks me out how safe it is. What other place do you work with over 20 people who you'd trust with your life who know how to walk someone through panic attacks, moments of intense deep pain, flashbacks, fits of anger and depression and lead you all back to God? I am not sure very many other places exist like that. How many places exist where your co-workers know where your coping kit is and go to grab it as soon as you start having a panic attack? It's mindblowing. And it TOTALLY freaks me out that I work at a place that meets me where I am at with such grace and love and wants to help me overcome all of it. Through Jesus. And show me who he actually is. Wow. 

So if I am being honest? I am struggling. Questioning who I am vs. who I want to be and if I actually want to do the work to get there. Part of me really doesnt want to do that work obviously and it frustrates me. I could use prayer to help me build relationships, and to build further trust with my co-workers. I could use prayer to help myself not isolate and try to fix all my problems by myself. I could use prayer to trust myself, and trust that I am strong enough to work through my past pain. I could use prayer to keep focusing on God, and learning about His love for me. Basically, I could use prayer. Please don't get me wrong- I am still VERY happy. I know this is exactly where I need to be, it's exactly where God has called me to be. I am just at a crossroad, and it is decision time. So thank you in advance for your prayers, I appreciate it more than you know! I hope this way of processing for me has given you a glimpse of my life and where I am at, and brings you the hope of Jesus because He is truly working wonders even if I struggle with how he is chooisng to work. 

4 Months Down, 8 to go!

It's hard for me to believe that I am 1/3 of the way done with my time at Shelterwood. I feel like it was just yesterday I was walking through the doors only to have the alarm start blasting in my face. Good memories ;) August is already right around the corner, and a new school year looms ahead of us. Granted, the girls have been taking summer classes but it will still be nice to get back to their true "normal" routine. I am really looking forward to coming home for a week in August, so at this time next month I might be writing my update from home! Yay! :D

What is there to say? God is teaching me so much about myself, it is truly incredible. Painful, but incredible. I have learned so much about relationships, about self control, about how to be the 'adult' in situations, and how to truly rely on God for everything. I feel like my theme for this past month has been "This too shall pass." A few months ago when my panic attacks were out of control I thought there was never going to come again a day where I could get through it without a panic attack. Now? I might have one a week. If that. Then, I entered a season of intense anger. Nothing worked to calm me down, I was escalated for days, I felt as if I couldn't control my rage, and I would never be calm again. Now? I still get angry, and I have a lotttt of repressed anger from my past that I need to properly deal with. But am I having temper tantrums every day? Nope. This too shall pass.

Where am I at now? I am not sure what words to use to describe it. August is going to bring a TON of change to the Girls house, both in new staff and new littles, and it's been a hard, hard transition so far for all of us. I was talking to one of my mentor's Kari the other day and she asked why I was upset and threatening to shut down emotionally. My response "Because after August my life here is going to suck! Everyone I love is leaving me!" Her response? "Marissa. Before you came here you didn't know any of these people. You could've chosen to shut down then out of fear. But you didn't. And look at all the awesome relationships you've built! You're gonna have the same opportunity to do that again with all these new people that are coming in! It's gonna be okay." And again I realized, this too shall pass.

This season of intense change, sadness, and turmoil will come to pass. I will make new friends with the new August bigs, and new house staff and littles. There will come a day when I am writing another monthly update and think "Wow. August was a hard month. But we made it, and look how far we've come!"

God's doing a lot in my heart, and in our house. His work is evident, and Satan is trying so hard to shut it all down. But I trust and have faith that God's will will come to pass and that even in this season that feels impossible He will still reign sovereign. Please, please pray for myself and the littles and other staff. I know I ask this with every update but we need your prayers and support more than you can imagine. God is doing incredible things here at the 'wood. And I am blessed to be a part of it!

Living a Life of Love

Wow what a week! I just finished unpacking and cleaning after a whirl whind of a week at camp. I am still trying to process everything that happened in my heart over the past few days of relaxation. The thought that keeps pouring through my head? "Wow. I just love my job. I love these girls." I can't really comprehend or understand the unconditional love that God has given me for these girls. I've been screamed at, had things thrown at me, spit at, cussed at, cried on, been made to cry myself, and so many other things, and yet I would do absolutely anything to protect these girls. It doesn't matter how much they cuss at me, I know deep down they are truly hurting and hurt people hurt people. It's really that simple. And so I cant help but want to shower them in love because I know the pain they face everyday is just too real, and they dont really understand how to process how they feel.

I felt more like a parent over the past few weeks than anything else, especially at camp where there were other staff to help us take care of the girls which is something that we are not used to. At first when my girls would go to one of the camp counselors to talk instead of us I would get all mama bear protective and somewhat jealous, thinking "HEY. These are MY girls. You better not hurt them!" And yet, as I began to simmer down and watch my girls interact with these counselors, my heart just melted and I was so proud of them. I was so proud of them for facing SO many fears and sharing their stories and being vulnerable with people who they didn't know very well, but that they knew they could trust. I was proud of them for trying new things, and hanging out with new people. I was proud of them for going outside of their comfort zones and normal routines, and for the most part being excited about what was going on.

I got a chance to sit down and talk with a few of the counselors who wanted to hear more about Shelterwood. We talked for about 30 min, and I just gushed and raved about my job. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I talked with them about how hard this job is, but how incredibly God centered and rewarding this process of being a big is. I couldn't help but talk about how incredibly proud I am of each and every one of my residents, and the really really hard work they do every day. One of the counselors said to us "Wow. You literally get to be the hands and feet of Jesus to these girls every single day, and learn how to truly show unconditional love. How incredible is that?!" And I was like "YEAH! How incredible is that?!"

I also had time to face many, many of my own fears this week. I had some hard conversations with people that needed to happen but were very healing in the process. And I came to a startling realization that I have desperately needed to have for months: This team has got my back. I can count on and trust my co-workers. I learned this lesson through many different events this week, but there is one in specific that sticks out in my mind: One of my girls wanted to go on this giant swing, where basically you are strapped to a giant rope/chord thing and jump off a platform like 40 feet in the air. If you know me at all, I am DEATHLY afraid of heights. Like kicking and screaming dont make me go in a high building or in an elevator afraid of heights. But for some BEYOND crazy idea I decided that I would go with her because she wanted me to, and I wanted to try and conquer my fear of heights once and for all. She promised me it wasn't that scary, she had done it like 6 times, and she would jump off for us, I just had to get up there. Well, we got up there and SHE started freaking out and wanted to go back down. Suddenly I had to take charge and help her conquer the fear she was facing and so I made sure we jumped. Seriously- I think that was the SCARIEST 2 min of my life. It may have not even been that long. I seriously thought I was going to die. I was screaming and screaming and I got off and was shaking soooo badly I couldn't even stand up straight. Some people saw me and were like "See?! That wasn't so bad, you're shaking, but you had fun right?!" I couldn't even respond. My throat felt like it was closing up and I was panicking. I started walking away and two of my coworkers saw me and immediately said "What do you need, and where do you want to go?" They knew. They knew before the words could come out of my mouth that I was having a panic attack. They instinctively started taking me away from people and ran to grab my water bottle before I could even get the words out of my mouth that that's what I needed. They sat me down and just hugged me in the downpouring rain while I cried and cried. It was a moment that I am not sure I will ever forget. I finally realized that these people are safe, I can trust them with my heart. I am safe here at Shelterwood. And while I know that people are still going to hurt me, they've got my back and they aren't going anywhere. I am finally willing to let go a little bit and start building true, honest, vulnerable relationships with my co-workers, and thats something I have been praying about since I got here!

I went into this week defeated, frustrated, beyond angry, drained, probably burned out and just tired. I was mad at God and questioning once again why he brought me to this place where it feels like all I ever do is mess things up. And yet, he showed me SO MUCH beauty through the broken pieces of not only my life but the littles. Watching these girls go up for prayer, and realizing that they are slowly coming to know Christ, was incredible. Watching my co-workers be vulnerable with each other and the littles? Incredible. Seeing Jesus show glory and healing me through a panic attack? Incredible. So in reality, my day to day life at Shelterwood hasn't changed. Yes, we are back from camp and heading back towards the normal routine. But my perspective has changed, and that has made, and will continue to make all the difference. I am slowly realizing that living a life of perfection is not nearly as fulfilling as living a life of love and screwing up every once in a while. Because in reality, the messy, broken pieces make everything a lot more beautiful in the long run. God's love is truly beginning to overwhelm my heart, and it is honestly the most beautiful, incredible thing I have ever had the privelege of experiencing.

I Want to be Running When the Sand Runs Out

I heard this song for the first time in a long time today this morning while I was getting ready, and it really hit me that this is exactly what I want to do with my life. I have been SO hyper focused on a few certain issues in my life right now that I have been letting a LOT of other things slip through the cracks and simply trying to convince myself that those are not my highest priority right now and I have better things to focus on. 

And yet, as I listen to these words and I realize that life is short- I have no promise of tomorrow. If today was my last day of life are the things that I am focussing on today worth it? If I live to 90 or 100 am I going to look back on how I spent my time and be satisfied? 

I've made SO many promises to myself over the years and it always starts with "Tomorrow I will..." it might be working out, eating better, doing my God time, calling to check on a friend, going to church, whatever. There are so many promises, so many things that I say " I will get to it eventually" and yet a lot of time I never do and that frustrates me. 

I love the part of the song that says "He never took the time to dance". Last night I went to the movies with one of my supervisor's Kari and saw "Inside Out". I had SO much fun I laughed and laughed for hours and I just felt soooo good. I haven't taken the time to slow down and just truly let myself relax and have FUN basically since I started working at Shelterwood. I have such a HUGE opportunity here at Shelterwood, and I have been so hyper focused on my own healing that I think I have let a lot of it slide by. I choose to journal instead of going out with friends, I go to bed instead of swimming or going to the movies. Are these things good and beneficial? Yes. But are the other things good and beneficial too? Yes. 

I don't want to look back on my life and think "Oh my word. All I did my entire life was try to take care of myself and make myself feel better about life in general." I will still be loveable if I don't work on counseling stuff everyday. I will still be loveable if I have a meltdown and yell at someone. I will still be loveable if I am cranky in the morning because I stayed up late the night before hanging out with friends. I will still be loveable if I choose to live my life instead of trying to control it. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you living this life with everything you've got? Are you enjoying a beautiful summer day, and taking the time to simply watch the clouds float on by? Are you letting yourself blast that country song as you drive down an old dirt road? Are you taking the time to talk to people that you love? Are you at least attempting to forgive someone who has hurt you? Because before you know it, this life will be over. And God has given us one chance on this earth to show His love and grace to everyone around us. I know for me this means being intentional in all of my relationships and giving myself grace to deal with things that have happened in the past. It means allowing myself to start moving on, and building relationships with people even though I live in fear constantly that people are going to hurt me in the long run. It means taking a step back and having some fun every once in a while and not "working" on things legit 24/7. It means allowing myself to listen to Country music simply because I enjoy it instead of Christian music 24/7. It means giving myself grace to truly live as God created me to live.  I hope this concept and reminder helps you as much as it has helped me today. Give yourself some grace, and enjoy this amazing day that God has created with you in mind He loves you, and the life that He has created for you may not be perfect, but it will be perfect for who God has called you to be, and that is all you really need. 

Realizing the Power of Relationships

So I am sitting at Starbucks (I know, big surprise) having some God time and making plans for our weekly game night that I am in charge of, and I realised that my 3 month mark passed 2 days ago and I didn't even notice! I sat back in my chair and thought "Holy crap! Has it seriously been 3 months?! How is time going by so fast?!" I am already 1/4th of the way done with my time at Shelterwood. I seriously cannot even believe it!

So how have I been? (Usually I have some deep thing to write about as a theme for my posts... Not feeling that today. This is simply an update. Sorry if you're disappointed. I've still learned lots of lessons, so that should still be entertaining! ;) ) The past month has been a whirlwind of crazy emotions for me.... I've been angry, crying, hurting, happy, excited, frustrated, disgusted and everything in between! I have learned SO MUCH from being here the past three months, it is blowing my mind in more ways than I can even begin to fathom. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, learning the most about myself and God that I ever have in my life, and am being challenged and growing every day. It's truly a beautiful and extremely unique process!

I think a good way to describe my life as a whole right now is refining through fire. I am VERY much a planner, and like to know EXACTLY what is going to happen a month before it is actually supposed to happen. At Shelterwood, this is close to impossible. We have a schedule, and we closely follow it, but at the same time we are working with troubled teens. Stuff happens. Every day. So I've gotten to a point where I have had to learn to be okay with not following a plan, and not hating myself if I don't react to a situation how I think I should. In reality? My anger has come out the past few weeks. I have a LOT of repressed anger from many things from my past, and present. It's been hard for me to manage, and a lot of times my reactions to situations have been less than stellar. But, the beautiful thing is my coworkers and my littles give SO MUCH GRACE. AH. I seriously don't understand it at all! My discipler Amy said to me Tuesday "Marissa, yes, you have been displaying a lot of anger these past few weeks. But look at how much better you are handling it then you were even 3 months ago. Look at how much more it takes for you to get to the point where you flip out. You ARE making progress. And it's okay that things get overwhelming sometimes. I think you need to experience these hard things so that you can learn how to manage them and harder situations and learn how to deal with them properly in the future." Hence refine by fire. I gotta go through the fire in order to know how to properly put it out without hurting others.

I think the other thing I've learned the most this past month is the absolute power of relationships. Holy cow. If I am being honest, I have a decent relationship 90% of the time with all of the girls in our house right now. I've spent a little time with each of them, and the paybacks are INCREDIBLE. Taking the time to slow down, and react to a situation with the mindset of that girl's past and struggles and pain, and thinking about what else might be going on instead of yelling at them makes an INCREDIBLE difference. I've developed relationships with the 'tough' girls, and the more depressed quiet ones. And they are SO much more willing to listen to me because they know they can trust me and I am trying to help. Does that always work? Absolutely not. They are still teens. They are still gonna hate me somedays. But it's moments when the tough girl of the house asks me to come to her room just so she can appologize for being rude to me earlier that make EVERY moment worth it. Its the moments when another little who has been through SO much trauma, and has been SO defiant since I got to Shelterwood says "Marissa, I had a lot of fun with you today. Thanks for everything." Or another one says "Marissa, we like you because you are real and straight with us. You are honest when you don't know why we have to do things, and you always explain to us what is going on so we don't feel like you are just trying to control us. We really like that cuz it makes us feel like you care." It just fills my heart so much. 

So I guess looking back at this month the thing I've learned the most is that it's okay not to be okay. It's okay to have panic attacks, and fits of anger that I don't totally have 100% control over because it is showing these girls that I am a real person and I am not perfect. It's making them interested in this 'Jesus' that I follow because I obviously don't have my life completely together but I am happy. I obviously don't have control over my panic attacks and other things but it IS getting better slowly but surely and I only have God to thank for that because I know He is healing me day by day. 

I have been missing home quite a bit lately. I really miss my friends and my family, especially my niece and nephew. I am really really looking forward to the idea of coming home in August and seeing everyone. If you ever think of me, PLEASE drop me a note, email, text, facebook message, phone call, anything. Send pictures, Bible verses, quotes, ideas of things to read, Starbucks (okay jk, but really, it's like I live here!)  It's the support from people I love that really really motivates me to keep working hard.

I of course want to ask you to keep us in your prayers. Pray for my girls, and the trauma that many of them are working through. Pray for staff for diligence, grace, compassion, and strength emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Pray that we all get to have our one on one times with God, because we all need it desperately, its the only thing that keeps us going. And pray for me- that I would give myself grace when the panic attacks and other 'fits' of emotion come up. Pray that I would continue to find grace and unconditional love for my littles and that God would continue to grow and stretch me to new places and find new strengths in his love. 

Let's Strive For Progress, Not Perfection

Here I am at the 'bucks once again sipping a Passion Tea Lemonade.(Plot twist: I added raspberry today so it is extra good!) I made a joke to some of my coworkers that I basically live at Starbucks during my off time and one of them looks at me with a straight face and says "And what is wrong with that?!" I am slowly realizing that this is my new normal, and it's not a bad thing.

I am learning more and more what it means to take care of myself, relax, and set boundaries with my girls, and how INCREDIBLY important all of this is to ministry. Its a lot harder than it seems. I had another panic attack last night, but thankfully this one was much much much easier to get myself calm than the last 6 or so that I have had recently. I am learning how to cope and work through the episodes and it is slowly getting easier. I talked with my best friend last night and she said to me "Marissa. You are not giving yourself enough credit. You keep saying you should be working harder at managing your anxiety and what not, and yet your panic attacks are going down in severity, and you are recognizing what is triggering them and dealing with it. You would NOT have been able to do that a year ago. You are really making a lot of progress!" And it hit me, that maybe I am making progress. It's just not the progress that I'd like to see myself making but it is the progress God needs me to make. In my mind progress = perfection. Progress means no more panic attacks, no more episodes of depression, or anything of the sort.

I also talked with one of my roommates last night, and she encouraged me to just take today to rest. To stop trying so hard to "fix" myself and just be. Let myself have some fun and just enjoy life as it comes. Treat myself to some fun, and let me have a day off from trying to make progress for once. It's a strange concept, and part of me doesn't know how to do it.

You see, I am always working at something. Whether it be actual work at Shelterwood, or once I get off I am constantly working on counseling stuff, or relationship stuff, or self care stuff or other things like laundry or errands. The concept of truly resting and not doing anything? It's foreign to me. I don't know how to shut down my mind and just have fun and relax. But the beautiful thing? I am learning. VERY slowly, but I am learning. I am learning it's okay to sit at Starbucks and just enjoy my time and not feel guilty because I know half of my girls currently want me to take them on a one on one to the 'bucks. It's okay to go walk around a thrift store simply because it's something I enjoy, and I don't necessarily 'need' anything. It's okay to watch a movie, or to binge watch netflix for one afternoon. I am slowly but surely learning that it is okay for me to feel good. It is okay for me to feel good about myself and to feel good about life. I am slowly realizing that every time I let my guard down bad things are not necessarily going to happen.

I have loved loved loved listening to this song the past few weeks, I basically have had it on permanent repeat. 

"There’s got to be more than going back and forth. 

From doing right to doing wrong 

‘Cause we were taught that’s who we are 

Come on get in line right behind me 

You along with everybody 

Thinking there’s worth in what you do 

Then Like a hero who takes the stage when 

We’re on the edge of our seats saying it’s too late 

Well let me introduce you to amazing grace 

I'm slowly realizing that even when I screw up and get embarrassed at Starbucks cuz they misunderstood what I ordered and have to correct them, and then get mad at myself cuz of my social anxiety that no matter what the cross has made me flawless. I look at the scars on my arms from past hurts and simply can't help but think "Wow. in the eyes of God I am flawless. These scars don't matter to Him. God doesn't care if my face gets red when I am embarrassed. He doesn't want to reject me when I am anxious. He wants to love me right where I am. Thats it."

So here is my random thought of the day for you: You are enough just as you are. Panic attacks, depression, anger issues and all. You are enough. And He loves you and will use you immensely JUST the way you are. So join me, and lets stop striving for perfection, and aim for progress yes? 

The Nature of Growth Is That It Comes With Weeds

I had a panic attack today. 

There. I said it. It's out in the open. I used to have panic attacks all the time, realistically anytime I had to face a social situation, or talk to someone who I was fighting with or afraid of, someone I didn't know or adults in general. But in reality, I wasn't aware that they were panic attacks and I didn't realize I had control over them until I got into college and started real therapy. And slowly I went from having a few panic attacks a month, down to having only 1-2 a year. I was thrilled to finally have control over my anxiety, and excited to be almost panic attack free. 

It was like my garden of life was filled with tons and tons of weeds (mental health issues) and after a lot of work, I got it all cleaned up. My life was good. My garden was pretty. A weed would pop up here and there, but I would pull it out quickly and then move on. But then, the more work I started doing in counseling, the more weeds started popping up. Not only panic attacks, but nightmares, seasons of depression, and other mental health issues began to plague my life and my garden was overwhelmed with weeds to the point where I contemplated no longer trying to get rid of the weeds and giving up on the garden. But by the grace of God once again, I got my garden cleaned up and I thought everything was "perfect". Or so it seemed. 

Then I came to Shelterwood. And it was like every single thing I have ever struggled with has come bubbling to the surface Every. Single. Day. And I have started flipping out. Every time depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, self harm, or anything else I have ever struggled with has started rearing it's ugly head I have FREAKED out. I am reading a book right now and I read this part tonight and it really spoke to my heart. It said:

"A sin or struggle pops up in our lives and we're horrified. "OH NO!" we declare. "Now everything God has done in my life is ruined!" But God is only interested in pulling the weed. It's not a surprise to Him. It doesn't change the growth we've seen. God knew all along the weed was there. Now it's simply time to deal with it. He chose you know that that seed would one day sprout and come to the surface. And in his infinite love, he picked the perfect time to bring it to your attention so He can remove it." 

I read this, and my heart became at peace for the first time all day. My mind stopped racing, and my heart stopped pounding as I sat there and thought "God knew. God knew my panic attacks would come back up. And thats okay. He brought it up at the right time, and He can remove them." It doesn't change how far I've come, and it doesn't change where I am going. Because in reality? Thats the nature of growth. It comes with weeds. You can't have the beauty of flowers without weeds. 

When I have a panic attack I usually am ashamed and embarrassed that I couldn't 'control' myself enough to make sure it didn't happen. But in reality? God is still in control even when I feel like I am not. God is in control even when I am truly not in control. This week I've been SO overwhelmed with so many changes-new things to learn, new bigs coming, personal emotional stuff coming up, and the girls being crazy. I told a friend today "I feel like I have absolutely zero control over my life right now physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually and I feel like I am spiraling out of control, and quite frankly it is scaring me." 

A gardner would never decide not to plant flowers simply because of the weeds that would come too. The gardner never looks at the weeds and thinks "I should have never planted these flowers! Stupid weeds!" No, all he sees is the beauty of the flowers. He simply walks over, plucks the weeds, and then looks at the beauty of the flowers. 

God does the same with me. He sees my panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and hosts of other problems and thinks "Silly weeds. You are taking away from the beauty of the flowers!" and pulls them out. He doesn't seem them as awful, horrible things that must stay forever. No, they are present but they don't HAVE to stay forever. 

And so I sit here on my nightwatch, challenged by this idea of God as a gardner, pruining the flowers in my garden of life. Not in a way that is cutting up everything in sight with a chainsaw, but pulling out the weeds down to the root. It might take some pulling and shaking, but it's going to be whats best for me in the long run. I know I am starting to ramble, (give me a break, its almost 3 am!) but I hope this encourages you as it has encouraged me. It's time to stop expecting our gardens to no longer have weeds and be perfect. We live in a sinful world, and we are going to mess up. Are we going to continue waisting our time sitting in the garden crying about the weeds? Or are we going to let the gardner do his job, remove the weeds, and sit back and enjoy the flowers?

I am on a journey to give up my perfectionism and learn that I am loved without having to earn it. It's been a long journey, and I know God has already brought me so far. I cannot wait to see where he takes me next as I find my identity in Him, and I find what his true identity is. 

Sometimes Warriors Wear Heels

Sometimes, I cannot believe I have been at Shelterwood for only two months! The time seriously FLYS by, I feel like before I know it my year will be up and I will be at home! Things have definitely been stressful at Shelterwood to say the least. God is really stretching me and growing me in ways that I NEVER thought could be possible. I've cried more, screamed more, and yelled more in the past two months than I think I ever have in my life!! (okay. thats debateable, but pretty gosh darn close!)

I went into this weekend mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I just kept thinking "Just get to Saturday Marissa. Just get to Saturday and everything will be okay. You will be at home, and everything will be fine." My week slowly got more and more stressful, and I got more and more overwhelmed. I kept getting super frustrated with my girls and was taking out my anger and frustration on them more often than I think I probably should have been. I just got so so so tired of trying to do this job in my own strength and it took me coming home to realize one simple thing:

I Can't. 

I realized that as much as my girls drive me CRAZY sometimes, I still love them. I love them through the cuts and bruises (both intentional and not). I love them through the screaming, swearing, throwing things, restraints, and tears. I love them through episodes of depression, and anxiety. I love them when they are frightened and hurting. I just love them. And nothing they can do will ever change that. And I realized, thats how Jesus feels about us. He simply loves us no matter how big of a mess we make. And He is there to clean up our messes. I cannot, cannot love these girls unconditionally through my own strength as much as I have been trying to for the past two months. I have tried and tried, and fought and fought to "fix" them all on my own and I can't. And it took coming home and seeing people I love and going to my church for me to recognize that it is NOT all about me- it is all about Him. And He brought me here to do His work- not for me to come here and have it be all about me and my healing. Which in turn is happening, but I am realizing it is NOT always about me. And my needs cannot always come first anymore, and that is okay. But I've also realized that sometimes it HAS to be about me, or else I wouldn't be able to do my job either. It's a really crazy delicate balance. 

And so I have come back to Missouri with a changed perspective- one that is about Him, and letting Him guide me instead of me trying to do it my way. I've given up on doing this job on my own- its impossible. And I think I am slowly becoming okay with that. I got back and discovered that this weekend was a literal version of hell for my coworkers. While I was at home having a blast, they were literally waging war, battling to keep these girls safe no matter what the cost. As I heard about everything that happened as a coworker caught me up, I was in awe. I was in awe of the strength of my coworkers and the love and compassion that they showed not only to the littles, but to each other. It amazes me. It inspires me. And it only encourages me to completely change how I've operated since I have been here. 

At my church on Sunday, we had a missionary guest speaker. She talked about how her daughter had horrendous behavior and got kicked out of three christian colleges. But by the grace and power of God alone, her daughter completely turned her life around. She turned in stuff she had stolen, she gave up cigarettes, and a lot of other things out of nowhere. And all the missionary kept saying was "This was ALL God. There was nothing I could have done or said that would have gotten through to her. All we could was keep loving her throughout her pain." And it hit me in that moment. It is NOT my job to heal my girls. It is not my job to protect them from everything that is going to hurt them. But it is my job to show them unconditional love no matter what the cost. It is NOT my job to fix them. 

I realized- we are fighting a spiritual, and sometimes spiritual battle every single day here at Shelterwood. Every day. And yet 90% of the time? I go into battle without my armor. I've had this entitled mindset of "God brought me here, he will show me what I need and I wont get hurt. I don't need that silly 'armor' stuff. I will be fine." HA. Funny jokes! I realized this weekend that I am NEVER going to make it through this year if I don't start wearing the right armor! I saw this picture a few weeks ago, and I thought it was SO perfect for the Shelterwood girls staff:

Sometimes, we don't look like warriors here at Shelterwood. Sometimes, we are all dressed up and pretty wearing heels, going to shelties, and reinforcing to our girls that they are beautiful no matter what. Sometimes we are wearing heels chasing residents around the loop, or ripping them off and running through the woods. Sometimes, we are in pajamas on night watch calming down a resident having a panic attack or throwing up. Sometimes, we are filthy and scratched up and bleeding from chasing someone through the woods. Sometimes we have no voice from yelling trying to find someone. Sometimes we are sitting on the floor in a puddle of tears because we just don't know what to do or say anymore. Sometimes, a lot of times, we don't look like warriors. And we definitely dont feel like warriors. But we are. And that's exactly what God has called us to be- High heel wearing, God loving and fearing warrior women. And thats what I want to be. I want to be a warrior for Christ, fighting for these girls against the devil when they are too weak to fight themselves. We can fight through prayer, and scripture, and encouragement, and love. And it's not an easy battle, but God will not let us down and I am certain of that. This song has been the theme song of my life for the past few weeks, describing perfectly where I am at in life right now:

I feel like this post is all over the place, but I hope it gives you an idea of where I am at in life and what God is teaching me. Continue praying for me, and my girls, and all of the staff. We all need it!