Thank God For Grace

I often find myself saying "There is never too much of a good thing!" Well my friends, I learned the lesson that this is not true once again, hoping that maybe I have finally learned my lesson for good this time.

As you probably all know, I have Fructose Malabsorption. There are a million and one foods that I have to avoid or enjoy in moderation. Sometimes, I can get away with eating more of some foods than other times. It is truly a condition you have to play by ear, as it is nearly impossible to simply cut out everything in life that contains fructose. But, sometimes I get mad that I have to watch what I eat and I eat whatever I want. It's almost like Russian Roulette- I never know if I am going to pay the price for what I've eaten or get off easy.

Yesterday, I woke up to a wonderful surprise- we had bagels! I LOVE bagels. Especially with butter, and sometimes with cinnamon sugar. For some reason, we don't buy bagels very often, so waking up and seeing two bags on the counter was extremely exciting! (Reminder: I am not supposed to eat wheat really at all, generally even small amounts bother me.) I literally saw the bag and said "screw it! I want a bagel!" So I ate one. Not a huge deal if I avoided the rest of my trigger foods for the rest of the day. Well.... I didn't. I ate a little bit of bad food for a snack while at work, and then came home for dinner and had another bagel, and later had goldfish as a snack. I felt a little sick when I went to bed, but nothing too bad.

But then I woke up this morning curled up in pain with an AWFUL stomachache. Thats the other problem with fructose malabsorption- sometimes the symptoms hit in 20 minutes, sometimes depending on when I eat the full affects dont hit me until the next day. And now, I will be paying for my choices yesterday for most of the day today. And I am sitting here thinking "Is this really worth it for a stupid bagel?! Why did I have to eat the other stuff too?! It all seemed so harmless at the time!"

As I was lying in bed praying that God would make my stomachache go away before work it hit me: I am paying the consequences for my actions. I knew what could happen if I ate the food, and I did it anyway. It reminds me of a post I wrote a few years ago about Eve with the apple. She knew the possible consequences but she ate it anyway, hoping that God wouldn't actually do what he said he would do. So in reality, it is not God's responsibility to take away my stomachache. I earned this misery by my own disobedience.

I think about bad habits I have and so many others have; eating junk food, watching too much tv, talking behind others backs, drinking, sex, drugs, and so many, many others. And yet everyone with these "addictions" have the same thought process: "It's not that bad. I have control over what I am doing, one time is not going to kill me. It will be fine." And yet what happens? One time turns into a second time, and a third and a fourth until suddenly you're not even thinking through what you're doing anymore! You've gotten so used to getting away with what you've been doing that when the consequence hits you in the face, we get mad at God. We say things like "God! How could you let me get sick today?! I have a long work shift and I can't afford to feel like crap! Why did I get diagnosed with the stupid sickness! Why haven't you just healed me?!" Or from the perspective of someone who overeats and never exercises and has a heart attack "God! Why did you allow this to happen?! How could you do this to me?! This is just not fair! I love you! Don't you love me?!"

When in reality? It is NOT God's fault. We live in a fallen world, filled with temptation and it is our responsibility to recognize what we should and should not be doing, and rely on the grace of God to help us through. It is not God's fault that I chose to eat bagels and wheat yesterday, in return it is by my own doing that I feel sick today. We cannot blame God for the bad choices that we make, our bad choices lead to our own demise.

But, Thank God for Grace. Yes, I am lying in bed sick when I have to be at work in a few short hours and in all reality it sucks. But is God mad at me for my choices? No. I can just imagine him sitting up on his throne chuckling and saying "Marissa, Marissa, when are you going to learn your lesson sweetheart? You just cant eat like that anymore. It's not good for you. Lets try this again, rest now. You will get through this sickness, and I will give you the strength you need to learn how to make better choices in the future. I love you daughter."

So often I feel that people see God as this menacing person ready to strike us down as soon as we mess up. But that is just not the case. Will God stop us from messing up? No. We have lessons to learn from messing up. It makes us more humble, and recognize that we need Him. But he will dust the dirt off us, wipe away our tears, clean off our scrapes and help us stand. He won't strike you down for talking about your friend behind their back. But he will give you the strength to go apologize to them and ask for forgiveness. This doesn't mean there isn't consequences for our actions- You may be physically sick like I am, or you may lose relationships or a job, or anything that has importance to you. But if I have learned nothing else over the past few months it is this: Fire burns brighter in darkness. And sometimes, we have to go through darkness to see how brightly God's light can shine through our brokenness. He will guide you through the pain and hurt of giving up our sinful, painful addictions. And his light will shine so brightly through it, it will be beautiful and soon enough you will not even miss your old ways because you will be in such awe of how much God has changed your life that you could never imagine going back.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Accept God's Grace. Accept that we ALL mess up everyday and we need Him. Take time today to pray and say "God, I am sorry I keep trying to navigate this messy, darkness filled life on my own. I am sorry I keep trying to fill this void in my life with (whatever addiction). Please help me to recognize that while this action feels good in the short term, in the long term I know it will have bad consequences and I want to stop but I cannot do it alone. God I need you." He will help you, I know it. And while it will be painful, the ending will be more amazing than we can comprehend.

You Raise Me Up

I was sitting in church this morning when I looked at the date and I realized this: In less than two months I will have moved to Missouri and started my new job at Shelterwood. As my mind started thinking through everything I needed to do before then, I started panicking. I started thinking "Am I ready for this?! Am I really ready to move and leave everything I know?! How am I going to get everything done that I need to before I leave?! Can I really do this? I'm not so sure anymore."

I became overwhelmed pretty quickly. And then, a lady at my church sang this song while the offering was collected. As I listened to the words, my heart slowly became at peace. "When I am down and, oh, my soul, so weary; When troubles come and my heart burdened be; Then I am still and wait here in the silence, until you come and sit awhile with me. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;You raise me up to walk on stormy seas; I am strong when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up to more than I can be."

I realized this as I sat there: without Him, I am nothing. I realized that sometimes I begin to rely on other things such as counseling, friends, books, food, movies, etc. to be my "savior" and to "raise me up" from things I don't like or are painful instead of my actual Lord and Savior Jesus. And if I focus on the circumstances, and expect these other things to save me, I will be overwhelmed. I do not handle change well, and so while I fully sure that Shelterwood is where God is leading me next, it is still scary to be leaving everything I know. But I know this, that when I crumble in fear: God is raising me up to be more than I can be. I am strong when I am on his shoulders, he will raise me above anything that I face and help me to become exactly who I am supposed to be.

I also like thinking of this song from the perspective of other people in my life who raise me up. I LOVE my church. It is like one big family and just awesome. While it's not a huge church every week I meet someone new and its wonderful. My pastors and others from my church have definitely been ones to help "raise me up" over the past few months. I have learned so much in the short time I have been there and I will miss it more than words can say when I move.

I also have been "raised up" by friends and others. It is incredible to me how many people have stuck by me on this journey of life and pushed me to grow closer to my Lord and Savior.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: No matter what you are facing, God will raise you up to be more than you ever thought you could be. While sometimes I may still be afraid of what lies ahead, I know that His strength will get me through. And while I am sad to leave people and familiar faces and places behind, I know He will use these people in new ways to raise me up even from miles away and use new people in my new home all to raise me up to be more than I can be. And through that, I will accomplish God's purpose for me. And I couldn't ask for anything more than that!

Day One of the Rest of My Life

I heard this song on January 1st. I really liked it, but I didn't think much of it. I figured I would download it when it actually came out, and that was that. Today, this song became available on Itunes and I decided to download it. As I have sat here listening to this song this morning, I really began to listen to the words and think about their meaning.

Recently I was talking to my therapist about a fight I had had with someone recently and how stupid I thought the fight was. I was expecting her to agree with me, and be happy that I stuck up for myself and held my ground. Instead? She says to me "Marissa, you don't have to attend every argument you're invited to. Would it really have been the end of the world if you let them 'win' and just walked away?" My jaw literally dropped and I said "What?!" I simply couldn't believe what she was saying, but when she said it, I knew she was right. You see, often times I have a hard time getting my needs met and being real with people. I can be very manipulative at times, and often resort to arguing to get my point across or to get something that I want. I'm not proud of this, and I have TONS of excuses that I have used over the years to tell myself that this behavior is acceptable. But I realized this yesterday; it's not okay anymore.

I could have a pity party for myself if I wanted to, I could come up with excuse after excuse about why I do things the way I do. I could, and I have for many many years. But I finally have gotten to the point that I am tired of that life. Because with the help of my therapist and God, I've slowly realized that who I am now is not who I used to be, and who I am in the future does not have to be who I am now. My past does not have to define me, or how I treat others. It CAN define me if I continue to allow it to, but it does not have to. I can choose to be different. And everyday is full of God's mercy and grace. Yes, we will screw up. But if we rely on his grace and love he can change our past into a beautiful present.

I feel like this song summarizes exactly where I am at right now. Especially the part that says
"Well, every single day Your grace reminds me that my best days are not behind me. Wherever my yesterday may find me, well, I don't have to stay there. See my hourglass is upside down. My someday soon is here and now. The clock is tickin' and I'm so sick and tired of missing out!" 

I am SO sick and tired of missing out because I've allowed my past to define me! I don't care what is in your past- whether it is abuse, drugs, divorce, depression, your parents abandoning you, lost job, people dying, WHATEVER it may be I want you to recognize this- It does NOT have to define you anymore! You don't have to be ashamed of who you used to be or what happened to you or what you did to others. God is SO much bigger than all of it! And I just want to challenge you all to truly recognize that.... Who you are is not who you have to be! How freeing is that?! I just want to challenge you today to take a step to be able to conquer your past. That may mean calling your pastor and talking with him, or finding a good Christian therapist to work through your pain. It may mean calling someone and apologizing to them for the way you treated them. It may mean simply taking time to spend with your kids and cherishing the time with them that you did not get with your parents.

Whatever it may be I want to encourage you to not be afraid to start over. God will be with you every step. And sometimes, it may feel like a slap in the face like it did for me with my therapist. It's going to hurt, but it is SO worth it! Sometimes, you just need a wake up call to realize that the life you're living doesn't have to be the life that you have forever.

So I hope that you will join me in this: I'm starting over. This is my Day One. And I am so excited to see where God takes me on this journey of freedom!