2018: It's Hard to Surrender to What I Can't See

I have been thinking about this blog post for over a week now, I really wasn't even sure if I was going to be able to get myself to sit down and write it, but for the sake of tradition, I felt that I needed too. This used to be so easy for me- reflecting on my year, counting my blessings, even remembering the moments of deep pain. But the past two years? They have been intense, mind numbing, life altering years, that have been breaking me down over and over and over again. It's been about a year and a half since my world was turned upside down and I lost the job I loved and in many, many ways I am still desperately trying to recover.

As I sat down this evening, desperate for some sense of normalcy on this New Year's Eve, I tried to think of one word to describe what 2018 has been like for me. All that kept coming to mind? Fog. Deep, thick, never ending fog.

There is a part of me that so desperately wants to say that after the literal hell that was 2017, 2018 was a million times better and everything is okay now. In reality? It's just not that simple. I have a job that covers most of my bills, I have an apartment in a town that I love, and am finally back in Michigan. I started graduate school this year, and have truly started finding my real self. All of these things are amazing, wonderful things. I also have experienced immense pain this year. I've begun grieving the loss of a job I loved as well as an old friendship coming to an end on a new and deeper level. I have laid on my bed starring at the wall wondering how I was going to pay for rent and buy groceries that week. I have fought depression and anxiety off more times than I can count.

I am sitting in my apartment in Saline right now, literally around the corner from the house of one of my best friends from high school. My elementary school is within walking distance of my apartment. It is safe to say that I am VERY familiar with this area. And yet, have you ever woken up to or started driving through fog? You can be driving somewhere you know like the back of your hand, yet the fog takes away that sense of security and direction and often replaces it with fear. I've sat in my apartment thinking so many times this year "God, all I wanted was to move back to Michigan this year..... I felt like if I did that, everything would be okay. And yet here I am. Achieving all the things I wanted this year and yet how can I be somewhere so familiar, yet I feel so so lost, alone, and afraid?" Everything around me is familiar, but the fog has taken away my sense of security in ways that I could never expect. And let me tell you- it has been pretty easy for me to have this one sided and somewhat negative view of fog this year.

And yet, sometimes there is a beauty in the fog. I took this picture during my Sophmore year high school retreat at Somerset Beach campground. This was one of the most beautiful, memorable mornings of my life. My group of crazy (yet beyond incredible) best friends got up at the butt crack of dawn to have Bible study together and praise Jesus and watch the sunrise from the middle of the lake in canoes and paddle boats. It was foggy, freezing, and yet beyond stunning. I often find myself returning to this picture because I love the memories it evokes from that morning. To be honest, I forgot about this morning until I was writing this blog post, and it brought tears to my eyes thinking of the depth, growth, and change that that one morning brought about in my life over the next few years. I look at this picture, and I think of the love of Jesus I so strongly felt sitting in that boat that morning. I think of the trust I had in my friends (I was deathly afraid of canoes at that point in my life) I think of the excitement I had for the day to come, and the excitement I had thinking of all that God was going to do in our school. It was almost as if the fog was a veil over the beautiful day that was coming.

As the fog continued to break, the most glorious sunrise broke through, and it was one of the most breath taking, unforgettable moments of my life.

As I think about this year coming to a close, I am beginning to think that 2017 and 2018 were seasons of intense fog. And now heading into 2019, the fog is starting to lift. It isn't an immediate change, just as fog lifting takes many hours if it was a thick fog. But with each passing moment and day, the fog gets a little bit lighter and the light starts to peek through again a bit more. 

I truly believe that Jesus brought this song to my mind as I was writing this post, as it was one of my favorites during high school.
"Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but somehow theres peace. And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving into something heavenly.Time for a milestone, time to begin again, re-evaluate who I really am.
Am I doing everything to follow your will? Or am I just climbing aimlessly over these hills? So show me what it is you want from me, I'd give everything, I surrender to whatever you're doing inside of me," 

I don't know what 2019 will bring. It may be yet another year of intense fog, yet I don't sense that in the same way that I did when 2018 was beginning. And yet if it is, I think I can finally say: So be it. I don't know if this blog post even makes sense, my brain feels a bit foggy right now (see what I did there? ;) I never said I was a good comedian). All I can say that I hope for 2019 that God will continue showing me the beauty in the foggy days even when I feel lost, alone, confused and hopelessly off track. I hope and pray that this year is filled with simple moments like that day during high school retreat, and constant reminders that even when I can't see a few feet in front of me, Jesus is still right next to me.

I hope and pray that even if your 2018 was far from fabulous, even if it was downright hellish, that you can find some comfort and peace in the this new year. There is something refreshing about the concept of a clean slate, and I hope and pray that you will accept the one that God has given you. I remembered a song by MercyMe on Sunday (see below) When it comes to this battle on earth between good and evil, Jesus and Satan- this may come as a spoiler alert: WE WIN IN THE END. No matter how many foggy days may plague us here on earth, there will be unending sunshine filled days in heaven for all of eternity and I pray that you can keep this eternal focus in 2019. So happy New Year my friends, and may 2019 be lived out as the victors that I know all of you are.

All I Am Doing is Handing Out Sticks

**Trigger warning- I openly talk about several mental health issues including suicide and suicidal tendencies. If this is triggering for you, you may not want to read it.**

I've been thinking about how exactly to write this post for a few days now, and haven't really been able to find the words, only knowing it needs to be said. As many of you already know, two celebrities lost their lives by suicide last week. At first I was of course sad, as I am anytime I hear that someone has lost the fight against depression. But then I saw the social media response and I honestly was just angry. If you know me personally, I am a HUGE mental health advocate and have struggled immensely with depression my entire life, and at a few points suicidal ideation. I get it, on many levels. So I should be happy right, that we are "finally talking about it" and bringing the topic of suicide back into the light once again? Right?

My friend Tyler posted this today and my thought was "YES!" Good lord. These two people die, and every form of social media has been FLOODED with "mental health awareness" stuff. Don't get me wrong at all- I am SO glad people are attempting to initiate these conversations because they desperately need to happen. But with every new post I saw telling depressed people to reach out for help, and for non depressed people to check on their friends 24/7 I thought "Good grief. Does anyone actually get this?" Why does it take celebrities dying for people to (briefly) take mental health seriously? And what is going to happen when these good meaning people move on in two weeks, and barely remember that these deaths even took place? What is going to happen to the literal thousands of people who have been constantly triggered by all the suicide talk and information that have been posted over the past two weeks? Suicide is a problem 24/7 people. It doesn't become an issue because "people who had everything in the world" died. It's an issue because people are traumatized, hurting, and alone and many, many people do not have the resources to get the help they so desperately need. 

I am angry because as someone who was suicidal at one point, it is hard to see the world fall apart over celebrities but not seem to care about every day people, or even veterans as the above picture shows. I am angry because we constantly argue over gun laws, abortion, and every thing else under the freaking sun, and yet mental health policies remain barely touched. The only people who make noise about it are people in the mental health field, or ones who need the resources. Insurance companies screwing people over not paying for meds and therapy, making it SUCH a hassle for therapists to accept insurance that most cannot do it. They lose SO much money in the process they cannot afford to do it even if their heart desperately wants to. Because in reality? 90% of the people who need intensive therapy cannot afford it, and it makes me angry. 

I am angry for all the people who are currently suicidal, or are coming off a wave of being suicidal. I am angry that their friends and family may smoother them with support because its the "in" thing right now, but in a few weeks may disappear. I am angry that even in 2018 most people cannot handle having a serious discussion about suicide. Don't get me wrong- it is downright terrifying for someone to tell you they are suicidal. But honestly? It is even more terrifying for the person who is actually suicidal. Because if you haven't been there let me tell you- when you desperately can't find your way out of the darkness it is the most terrifying thing you will ever experience in your life. It's like a black hole- no idea how you got in, no idea how to get out, and so dark you can't even see your own hand in front of your face. All while hearing whispers of "Just do it." "No one will care once you're gone" "It's not going to get any better." "You'll be pain free if you just end it." "No one gets your pain." Or when the positivity people show up "I know it's dark, but I just can't understand why you don't turn on a light? or ask someone for a flashlight?" or "Why could you possibly want to die, you have such a great life!" The problem? The darkness extinguishes that light in a way I cannot even put into words. 

I thought about all of this as I sat in my therapist's office today. I don't think she will ever really know how thankful I am to have her in my life. I started meeting with her when I was 18, and it was honestly the best, probably most important, life saving decision I have ever made. I've been in a bit of a rough patch, but had a good session today. At the end she said to me "Marissa, you kicked butt today! You figured out 99% of everything by yourself, I barely had to say a word! You should be really proud of yourself!" And to be honest? I was. I was really proud of myself. Because I thought back to the first time I had to tell her that I was suicidal. I was in college, probably my junior year. She had asked me at the end of my session if I had been having thoughts about hurting myself or wanting to die. I rolled my eyes and told her no that I was fine, but in reality I was far from fine. I thought about what she said all night, and realized I needed to see her again. We met the next day, and told her through sobbing tears that I had lied, that I had thought many times about wanting to die, and had been self harming. When I think back on that year, it was so hard. It was the worst depression I have ever experienced, and most of that year is a blur to me honestly. But the thing that has amazed me, is that my therapist has never been afraid of my pain even when I was terrified. She stood firm and secure and led me out of that terrible, terrible darkness more times than I can count. And every time my depression flares up, I end up in her office in tears terrified that I am going to go back into that dark jungle and this time will be the time I won't be able to find my way out. And it's been years- about 5 actually. This is why these social media "hype" has gotten me so upset. Because it's triggering, and in most ways not helpful to those who have actually been suicidal, or are currently. It breaks my heart, because this is where my heart is- I want people experiencing depression to find help like I did. I want them to find their way out of the jungle, and I am not sure what the answer is, all I know is that we need to find it. 

I found this during my junior year and the first time I read it I cried. I cried really hard. It's just beautiful. Suicide survivors are the farthest thing from weak. They are honestly some of the strongest people that I know. Every time one of my girls at Shelterwood were suicidal, I showed them this poster and told them "Girl, I will ALWAYS find a freaking stick for you. We are gonna survive the jungle together." It became a way of asking them if they were alright in a way that wasn't demeaning but empowering. I'd say "Hey buddy- do you need a stick?" and they'd know. They'd know that I saw them. That they were struggling, and I wanted to help them fight. 

When I started writing this, I originally was going to bring my faith into the post (which is a HUGE reason for my recovery, but it also was a HUGE setback in my struggle and when I was struggling the LAST thing I wanted to read was yet another Christian article about how "Jesus makes everything okay" and how "people who die by suicide probably don't go to heaven" (DONT GET ME STARTED ON THAT ONE) Or really anything about faith. I couldn't handle it. And I am hoping and praying that this blogpost reaches someone who really needs to hear this message. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: If these past few weeks have been hard for you because suicide is a part of your story in some way I want to encourage you- I know firsthand how hard it is to have this stuff in your face 24/7 when its the last thing you want to be thinking about. Keep holding on my friends. Can I also encourage you to speak up? I know its terrifying, but share your story. Let people know that this is hard for you. If you are currently suicidal, or experiencing suicidal thoughts please, please please try and go to a therapist. If you can't afford it, there are free options in your community that can get you set up with something longer term. I promise you 100% that you will find your way out of the darkness, and there are loving, wonderful amazing people like my therapist who won't leave your side. 

For those who haven't truly been affected by suicide here is my random thought for you: Do whatever it takes to not stop caring when they hype dies down..... When "13 Reasons Why" is no longer making new episodes, and every social media site in existence isn't posting about suicide every day. And if there is someone in your life you are worried about? Can I beg you to talk to them please? If you don't know how to approach that conversation, leave a comment below. I would love to walk you through it. And tell everyone in your life every chance you get how much they mean to you.... It literally can be the smallest thing that can bring someone back to reality when they are suicidal- like getting a text message saying that someone was thinking about them. Depression robs you of your ability to believe that people actually care. Start conversations, share your story. Ask how you can help. I developed a number system with my therapist, and if my friends thought I was struggling they would simply ask "Hey, what number are you at?" and if it was high they would say "Okay. What are you going to do about it? Can I help in any way?" And I would let them know. It is really that simple people. 

And if you've read this far, thank you. Thank you for caring, and for reading a part of my story. I hope and pray that if we all work together that the suicide rates will start declining in our country instead of constantly climbing. Please feel free to message me if you are struggling, know someone who is struggling, or just in need of someone to talk to. 

"A Chain is Only as Strong as It's Weakest Link"

"A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link." I remember the first time I heard this quote. I believe it was my Junior or Senior year of high school and one of our first soccer practices of the season. My coach had us all sitting around him and he had a long length of chain that were all connected in a circle. Each one had a tagged piece of tape to it, and he passed it around and had us write our initials on it. He explained that much like this chain, our team was only as strong as our weakest member. It was vital that we all worked together, and that we didn't leave the weak behind, but come behind them and help them keep up with the rest of the team. That is what I LOVED about playing soccer at WCA. Coach didn't care if you couldn't play a lick of soccer. All he cared about was that you were willing to work your butt off, willing to learn, and willing to treat every person on our team as your family and trust them with your life. That was it. He didn't kick people off due to lack of skill, (thank goodness for that in my earlier years haha) he literally only kicked people off due to lack of commitment to the team, or performing poorly in school. And let me tell you- our team kicked BUTT. We went from a "club" team (basically not recognized by MHSA as an actual team) to my coach ONLY letting us play public school teams because the other private school teams didn't challenge us enough to prepare us for districts early in the season. WHAT?! Like how is that even possible? He took a bunch of girls who had never touched a soccer ball plus girls who had been playing since they could crawl and taught us how to communicate, play well, and kick butt, and most importantly have the time of our lives and find a sport that we loved. Everytime we failed, he told us to get back up and try again until we mastered what he wanted us to do. And we became an almost unbreakable chain because we honored our weaknesses.

I was thinking about almost the opposite of this concept earlier today. I have had "Break Every Chain" by Paxton Ingram (The Voice) on repeat alllll day y'all. My Pastor- Pastor Bill (PB) has been bringing the word, and the Holy Spirit has been showing up in church the past few weeks like nothing I have EVER experienced. Extremely powerful worship and sermons. And yet what have we been talking about? Persecution. God taking us WAY outside of our comfort zones and doing life with Him, His way, 100% trust. And let me tell you- if that doesn't scare you on some level you my friend are a liar. PB was praying with me last week, and said something so profound, it has shaken me up even a week later. He said "Marissa, you have done ministry out of your pain. But this next season I believe that God is calling you to do ministry from your place of victory. But, you don't know what victory is yet. And that is what is going to be start doing with you- teaching you about life as a victor." Honestly yall part of me wanted to be like "What do you mean I'm not a victor?! Do you know what my life has been like?! I'm still alive so I am a victor! What the heck!" But deep down, I knew he was right. Y'all my life hasn't been easy. On the surface to some it looks like it has been, but on the inside I have been fighting a lot of battles for my entire life. I have had many pictures in my mind of being chained up- crying, screaming, fighting, raw, bleeding, desperately trying to get those chains off so I can be free and live my life. And yet no matter what I tried I could NOT get them off. I lived many years in straight up despair, because I truly saw no hope for my life even though I still 100% called myself a Christian. For years people told me "Jesus. Jesus will break your chains." and I was honestly like "BYE. I don't want to hear it. I don't need help. I can do it myself." I was VERY stubborn. (Both sides of my family are extremely stubborn.... what can I say lol) And yet, I finally have started coming to a place of surrender over the past few weeks/ months. Granted, I've had to "surrender" many times throughout my life but this is a level I know that I haven't reached before. 

I was praying about my chains, and praying for Jesus to break them a few weeks ago. I was praying about them again today, and I remembered that quote from above and I realized the key- Jesus knows the weak spot in my chains and he can break Every. Single. One. Every time the song gets to the the part saying "I hear the chains falling" I get the chills because I have literally begun to experience the chains that I have experienced since childhood simply start falling right before my eyes. I've begun to experience real freedom, but also with that real grief and pain as I begin to truly see what the life God has for me looks like. 

As I have been navigating this journey, God has really been calling me out on my heart. Man, I thought my heart was "pure" until we started looking at the fruits of the spirit today..... Like have you ever thought about that? Like if you are actually living in Christ, your life will reflect those fruits. I hope this is a reality check for you as much as it was for me. I thought I was doing pretty well simply because I've started reading my Bible more, and actually praying regularly and whatnot. But the more I learn what my masters voice sounds like, I realize that there is SO much more to faith. There is so much more to prayer. God has begun showing me that this next season is about me learning to love people well who have hurt me, even if they aren't in my life anymore. Our thought have power. Our emotions have power. And it matters where our "power" is coming from yall. If it's coming from our chains? We are gonna stay chained up. If its from Jesus, well stand back yall cuz the chains are coming down. And what's sad? For most of my life I was a "look good" Christian. I went to church 2x a week, prayed sometimes and could answer all the questions in Sunday School, and went to a Christian school, and had Christian friends. As far as I was concerned, I was good. I had my "get out of hell free" card and I was golden. Right? Wrong. Y'all. Jesus has SO much more life for you than this! I remember conversations with a sweet friend from college and she would cry because she was never really sure if she was going to heaven because she wasn't sure if she was following all the rules correctly and that truly consumed her faith life to the point where her fear overshadowed the freedom that Christ already won for her. It still breaks my heart everytime I think about it. Jesus has life that is SO much more abundant than what we can ask or imagine if we can get ourselves to take the leap of faith and trust him. And that is 100% what Jesus has been asking of me the past few years- to give up my perceived control, and to just let him drive.

You see, I used to be much like my old friend from college. I used to be SO scared of God- like if I didn't pray for someone everyday God was just gonna decide that I wasn't good enough and not let me into heaven. But y'all that's not Jesus. I never wanted to pray, read my Bible or even do ministry because it all felt pointless, and like it would never be enough to please him. But that's not the purpose! The purpose is to build relationship with Him, and get to know His Spirit, so that when the time comes and he asks you to go in 100%, you know your masters voice and you jump in 100%.

I know this has probably been ALL over the place. At least my brain feels like it is.... But this is my random thought of the day for you: Are you still living your life like a chained up victim? Or are you living life as a victor in Christ? Yall I NEVER thought I would find freedom from some of the chains that are breaking in my life.... like honestly. And I've loved Jesus as long as I can remember. Can I challenge you sweet friend, will you consider letting Jesus break your chains? Will you consider trying to pray? To try reading your Bible? To ask the hard questions? He so desperately wants to break your chains, and I know 100% He will. You just have to ask him. Thats all. Yall I have watched as my "prayers" (if thats what you want to call them...) for people who have REALLY hurt me go from "Jesus please punish them" to "Jesus, help them find freedom in you. How can I love them well?" Don't be afraid to be angry- He can handle your mess. He can handle every one of your chains even if those chains are abuse, rape, porn, murder, lying, stealing, adultery, loneliness, depression, anxiety, pride, and ANYTHING else. He can do it sweet friends. And I can't help but just want to share this with everyone I know, because I want you to find his freedom too.

So can I challenge you today? Find some time today to go sit with Him. Tell him why you don't like Him, why you are angry and want nothing to do with Him. Take time name your chains. Start asking Him to break them. He's got you friends. And your chains are NOT too much for our savior. If you read this, and need someone on your team to go to battle with you- please feel free to contact me. I'd honestly love to be praying with you and for you for the chains you need broken!

Grief is Really Just Love

I was emailing my old boss Jane the other day asking for a graduate school reference, and also talking about my old job, and the changes that have taken place over the past few months. I realized I didn't ever turn in my keys, and asked Jane what I should do. She replied telling me that the church who now owns the house changed the locks, so in reality I could do whatever I wanted with them. I can barely find words to describe what happened next..... It's almost as if ice went through my veins, and I felt like I was going to throw up all at the same time. 

This is our home. It's not being used as a safehouse anymore, so I can finally share where I basically lived for the past year and a half. I spent more time crying, laughing, grieving, playing, planning, and just doing life in this place then I think I have anywhere else in my life. I went back to the house in December, and took a few minutes to just sit and cry, and collect some items of mine that were in the house. I always planned on coming back and dropping off my keys later, and giving myself space to really say "goodbye" but could never bring myself to do it. And then I got Jane's email, and my blood went cold when I realized that I would never set foot in Hope's House again. Ever since September, I have been holding out hope that we would get to start over, and that we would get up and running again. But after a FB a month ago from our former director, I realized that those dreams were probably over, but still held on to a glimmer of hope. Then came Jane's email, and it was like the final door slam, with a big ol' padlock and crushed the remainder of hope that I had. It was all over in a matter of seconds. I couldn't breathe, and had to simply go lay down and cry.

I wish there was someway to know beforehand that it was going to be my last time doing something, so I could mentally prepare and grieve. I don't handle change and transition well at all. I've gotten better, but it's still like pulling teeth slowly when I know change is coming. Heck, I even mentally prepare myself for the last bites of my food. Like when I eat Lucky Charms? I make sure marshmallows are my last bite. It's just how I roll. So unexpected "lasts" don't really go over well with me. 

I found this song last week, as I was processing the huge amount of grief I have to work through from the past few years of my life post college, and I feel like it is super fitting for this situation, and many more. It talks about how we go through many "deaths" in our lives, and yet there aren't funerals for these events: end of relationships, moving, losing a job, etc. There is no mainstream grieving process, no one drops off food, or sends cards, or lets you take off work. And yet, the pain is the same. 

I've been thinking a lot about a few relationships that I have lost over the past year. Some have just faded due to time passing and things changing, but one relationship seemingly changed overnight, and its been hard for me to finish letting go. I thought of the last time I saw this friend, and we said goodbye at the airport. I was crying, and as I think back on it it was like my heart knew that was the last time we would hang out as "friends" as our relationship fell apart a few mere months later. I haven't really let myself fully grieve the loss of this relationship- I've been slowly holding out hope that this friendship will repair itself. When in reality? It's over. And I don't think that I really realized that until yesterday. In a sense, just as the locks got changed on the house, the locks got changed on that relationship too. I am not going to get to have the final "moments" of my choice, and control the situation. And in reality, that leaves me with a choice. Do I continue on, holding out hope and pretending nothing has happened? Or, do I choose to let myself let go and grieve?

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Have you taken time to grieve the deaths in your life that didn't have a funeral? Can I encourage you to do just that? Take time, listen to the song above. Let yourself grieve those losses, even though they aren't technically a real death. In some ways, I am not sure our heart knows the difference. It only knows that it is in pain, and desperately wants to let it out. I read a quote earlier today that said this: 

It totally changed my perspective of grief. When I think of all the love I miss pouring out on my girls, on my friends, and other people, it all makes sense. And as I navigate this "grief" or overflowing of love with nowhere to go, it challenges my thought process. It makes me want to find a new place for all that love to go, which gives me the courage to let the tears out, and let it all go. I want to challenge you to think about doing just that. Allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes up, and think about new places where your overflowing love could go. It won't be an easy, but as the song says you will soon see that life can and will be sweet again, and you will find places for all that love to go again. 

Farewell, 25

In just a few hours, I will be 26. It's still kind of hard to believe honestly, a lot of times I still feel like a baby, definitely not an adult. I have to be honest- I am looking forward to my chocolate cake tomorrow about as much as I was in these photos!! I mayyy have even gotten myself a chocolate cupcake to eat at midnight ;) 

Birthday's used to be so exciting as a kid, I would lie awake the night before, my blood pumping with anticipation- taking cupcakes to class, my birthday party with my friends, and for one day being the center of attention, and loving every minute. Because let's be honest, if you know me at all, you know I HATE being the center of attention on ANY other occasion. If I am being honest though? I am STILL that excited about my birthday. I have no exciting plans, just dinner and cake and ice cream with my family, and probably celebrating with a friend in a few days. But I simply love my birthday.

A lot of people hate getting older.... I am reaching an age where people now don't ask "Oh! How old are you turning?" When they hear your birthday is coming up. And part of me has to wonder, why not? Why the heck do we care how old someone is? Why is it embarrassing that we've survived another year on earth? I hate to get all deep, but I am about to. A few years ago, I was struggle bussing hardcore. I had a lot of stuff going on mentally and emotionally, and I didn't see much value in living anymore. Granted, I never acted on those thoughts but there were times when it got pretty bad. Each day that I woke up alive was a victory during that point in my life. It was too hard to take life year by year, or even month by month. I had to choose to survive literally minute by minute. I remember my therapist Gina telling me at one point "Marissa, the only one who can save yourself from yourself is you. If you don't help yourself no one else will be able to either." That really hit me hard, I decided I had to choose to live, and I did just that. 

And so here I sit, a good 5 years later. I won't say my life is perfect by any means, but I am definitely not living in that dark place that I was almost 5 years ago. I was sitting on my couch earlier and thinking "Wow. I am really excited for year 26. I am SO happy I am older!" We complain about getting older and yes, our bodies do start aging and falling apart. But getting older has been such a blessing in disguise for me. I have learned so much, and have begun to experience what life is really all about.

Take year 25 for example- I successfully lived in a new state for over 1 year by myself. I managed my first apartment, car, and everything that came with it. I lost some extremely important relationships, and gained a few new ones. I've lost around 30 lbs, gotten my eating and exercise on track, and am able to manage my mental health 99% of the time. I tried new foods, explored new places. I cried many tears of sadness, but also laughed till I was crying more times than I can count. I truly feel that year 25 I grew up. I became an independent adult. I dared to start dreaming again, and I am honestly just so excited to be alive, and for what the next few years of my life will bring, which is much more than I could say even 2 years ago.  

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you thankful to be getting older? Are you thankful for another day to live, breathe, eat, praise God and just be? Or are you whining, complaining and embarrassed that you are ______ years old? Can I challenge you to take a step back, and be thankful for all the time on earth you have had? For the people you have met, the lives you have changed? For all the ways God is still going to use you? He's not finished with you yet.

So here's to year 25, thank you for changing me in ways I couldn't have expected or imagined. I can only hope and pray that year 26 is filled with as many challenges, moments of joy, growth, and excitement! I am not one bit ashamed to say I made it through another year on earth. I am almost 26, and I am proud! 

If You Want to Do Big Things, You Have to Make Big Asks

I remember sitting in my high school Bible class as a Sophomore in High School, as John Zylka, our Director of Campus Community was teaching that day. If you know Mr. Z at all, he is quite the guy. His stories are incredible- from his fire fighting days, to teaching, to simply being a parent, and doing life with a lot of kids and teens, this guy has seen and done a lot. It is also commonly known that Zylka knows EVERYONE. You need a connection with the Detriot Tigers? He knows a guys. Michigan Football? He knows a guy. Someone from Mott Children's He knows a guy. It really is amazing in the grand scheme of things... Zylka started at my school when I was in 7th grade I believe. Maybe 8th. Can't really remember anymore. But that first year he made it known that he wanted to know every kid in the school by name, and he wanted to know about your life. He also made it know that if he accidentally called us by the wrong name, he would buy us anything we wanted from Subway. And he did just that. He didn't have to buy a ton of subs, because once Zylka knows you, he knows you. But he did buy subs, he even bought one for me at one point. And Zylka would always tell us that that is what is important in life- it's not about the money, it's not about the job. It's about the people. Get to know the janitor, ask them about their day, sincerely. Talk to people. Find ways to love them. Because in the end, its the community that you build that will help you when you need it, and you will help them in return.

So back to Sophmore Bible class. Zylka was teaching and told us that we would be working on a semester long project, something to benefit our community, and we each had to work on an individual project. He also told us that he wanted us to dream really, really big. Like finding a cure to cancer big. He assured us that we wouldn't succeed on our big dream this round, but that we needed to find that willingness, that drive to chase that dream. I can't remember the story exactly, but Zylka was in a position where he needed a helicopter for something. Not exactly something an everyday civilian can get their hands on easily. He told us the story, and eventually he secured a helicopter (or whatever it was he needed. That's not the point). I remember him saying very clearly to us "You guys know why that worked out? Because sometimes when you want to do big things, you have to be willing to make big asks! That's what I want you to do with this project.... Go make some big asks, and make a difference!" 

Sitting there at 16 years old, this hit me hard. As a very shy, quiet person any sort of "big ask" seemed beyond terrifying. And so after a few weeks as I developed my project I determined I was going to sell candy bars, and collect food for Hope Clinic, a local food bank and help location for those in need in Ypsilanti. My big ask? I contacted local stores, and asked them to donate money or boxes of candy bars for me to sell. Sam's Club awarded me $25, and I was beyond thrilled. I ended up raising around $125 for Hope Clinic, and brought in a few boxes of food/non perishables. For me, this was HUGE. I never expected to even raise $30, much less over $100.

Little did I know that this service project led to me having a leadership role in Beta Club my Junior and Senior years of high school and leading monthly collections of food and non perishables for Hope Clinic the rest of my time at WCA. We donated hundreds and hundreds of boxes of food over the next couple years, and it even continued for a while after I graduated. All because I dared to make one big ask.

I'm sitting here at Starbucks as I often do, contemplating and processing my life. I will be 26 in less than a week, and in short this year has been CRAZY. If you had told me at this time last year that I would be sitting here a year later basically unemployed, broke, and clueless about next steps I woulda been like "OH HECK NO. We aren't doing that! NO WAY. I know what I am doing, and where I am going, and that is NOT IT. I won't let it get that bad!" And yet, here we are. It's moments like this that make me thankful we aren't allowed to know the future... because if we were, I am pretty sure most of us wouldn't live to see it.

My life from December 2017 to the present has been extremely difficult to say the least. I quit a job I loved, because the parent I worked for was literally insane, and making my life a living hell. (Just ask my roommate lol) I thought I'd get a job in a week, and things would be fine.... they weren't. Christmas rolled around- still unemployed. Then, I ended up with food poisoning, and things kept going downhill. I finally landed some part time work in January, and have justtttt barely been squeaking by financially. After getting screwed for a 3rd or 4th time with a family telling me they were offering me a full time position, I decided that something needs to change, because I cannot survive under this amount of financial stress for really any more months.

So last Friday, I made a daring decision. I decided to start applying for jobs in Michigan. People, by Monday I had eleven interviews set up. ELEVEN. After MONTHS of nothing, ELEVEN INTERVIEWS. To say that I got overwhelmed was an understatement. By Monday afternoon? I was offered a job. Granted, I couldn't take that job because the pay wasn't going to be worth it for me to move back, but still it was an offer. I sat down Monday afternoon, straight up panicking realizing I was going to have to make MAJOR life decisions pretty quickly if one of these jobs does pan out. I talked to my dad, and my therapist Gina, and both reinforced one thing: You have to do what's best for you. My internal response?!: "NO. I DON'T FEEL LIKE AN ADULT RIGHT NOW. I NEED AN ADULTIER ADULT TO MAKE THESE DECISIONS FOR MEEEE!!!!" After some tears and tea, I calmed down and started handling things like an adult, I am happy to say!! ;)

I sit here almost a week later in the same Starbucks, and I am simply overwhelmed by what God has shown in the past week. I feel like the widow in the Bible with the little oil left that didn't run out as I went to pay rent this morning and still somehow have SOME money left in my bank account. Don't get me wrong- where I am at is NOT a good place. I am NOT happy to be here.... But, I know darn well it is where I need to be, as uncomfortable as it is.

My thought process went back to Zylka's Bible class this morning.... He challenged us to make "big asks" in every part of our life- physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. All things. As I sat this week applying for jobs, and doing phone and in person interviews. I have been making big asks. I have been asking for more hours, and more pay. I have a degree, and I know that my skills are worth what I am asking for. I realized this week that I want to do grad school online, through a Christian university which is NOT what I would have said had you asked me even two weeks ago. I am being brave, and asking God to help me find a job that will give me enough financial security to meet my needs so that I can focus on school full time, and go back into doing ministry eventually as a therapist. A few weeks ago? I would have been afraid to admit any of this outloud. Afraid to admit that I have dreams, and I want to chase them again, because I am SO terrified of failure because of how hellish the past few years of my life have been. And yet I just kept hearing Zylka's voice saying "Marissa, if you want to do big things, you have to be willing to make big asks." And just as God worked through my "big ask" in High school, I know that He will work through my "big asks" now.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you willing to make big asks to accomplish your dreams? Are you willing to trust God with your hopes and dreams? Are you willing to go through whatever it takes to get there? My dad and Gina both said something to me similar on Monday: You say you want to go to school- but are you willing to do whatever it takes to make going to school a reality? Even moving home for a few months, going to school online, working a job you don't "love" etc.? Are you willing? And I realized that before this week. I wasn't honestly. I wanted a cushy, easy life, and was waiting for things to be simple and easy before I started dreaming again. And I realized that is NEVER going to happen. I am going to HAVE to dream and jump off the ledge if I want to accomplish my dreams. So I just want to encourage you today- Where has God been nudging you to take a leap of faith that you've been quietly ignoring, or waiting for a "better time"? Can I challenge you today? Make a big ask. Tell God your hopes dreams. Ask Him to show you how his plans play into some of those hopes and desires. Be willing to make a Big Ask and ask God to close the doors that are needed to lead you where you need to be. It will be hard, scary, draining and probably awful. But you will not regret the end result- I promise. I am calm, feel secure, and excited even in the face of unemployment simply because of what my pastor reminded us all of on Sunday: I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God. And God calls me to a life of freedom, joy, and adventure THROUGH Him. And so because of that fact alone, I am taking these leaps of faith, and daring to believe that God is good, He will come through, and I will accomplish His plans for me, one step at a time.

This Is Me

"I am not a stranger to the dark

"Hide away", they say

"'Cause we don't want your broken parts"

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars

"Run away", they say

"No one'll love you as you are"

I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I'm meant to be, 

This is me!

Look out 'cause here I come! And I'm marching on to the beat I drum! I'm not scared to be seen- I make no apologies, this is me!"

I cried harder in counseling today than I have in a long time. I have been so frustrated by this last season..... lots of pain, transition, change, chaos, and just plain insanity. I've watched as 90% of my friends have either completely walked out of my life, or just simply can't find the time to talk anymore or meet up when they happen to be home. I cried as I talked about spending my entire life apologizing for who I am, for things that I like/don't like. I cried as I talked about trying so hard to get everyone in my lifes approval over and over again simply to be shut down over and over again. I have found myself in a season of limited community, few true friends, a job I can mostly tolerate but not love, and just pain and frustration. I got out of counseling and saw a facebook post I honestly wish I would have never seen, and was just physically and emotionally spent for the day.

I called one of my best friends, and asked her if she wanted to hit up Chick Fil A and the movies tonight. She suggested we go see "The Greatest Showman". I was kinda neutral on my desire to see it, and decided why not. Yall. It's rare that I cry in movies.... like really rare. And this one almost had me in tears. I resonated with the characters in a way I never expected. While I am not the bearded lady, or 8 ft tall, or 750 lbs or albino or any of the other things that made these characters unique- I am human. And I think everyone in their life has at least one season where they just feel like they don't fit in, or don't belong where you are stuck. Unfortunately, I have felt this way many, many times throughout my life. 

I watched as the Showman abandoned his values and kept pushing for his dream, forgetting the whole reason why he started in the first place. I watched as his crew was repeatedly told they were worthless, ugly, stupid, and shouldn't show their real selves over and over again. But finally, they hit the point where they have found their family, and they are proud of who they are. They stop apologizing for who they are, and drown out all the haters. They realize there is a place for them, they are not worthless. I have listened to this song over and over again since we left the movies. It was just the boost I needed today. My counselor tells me this in every session- she always tells me that she is proud of me, thinks I am great, and worthy of love. Getting words like that from your counselor is kinda like getting them from your parents.... on some level you know it is true, but you feel like they have to say it because they are biased haha But as I thought about my counselors words today, and listened to these lyrics it really hit me.... I am done apologizing for who I am. This is who I am meant to be, and if people don't like that, then good riddance!

I know the people I am thinking of will probably never read this, and if you do, I am glad because I want to say this: To all the people who have walked out of my life in the past few years, to the people who can't find the time to pick up the phone, respond to texts, grab coffee, or really involve me in your life at all: Thank you. You have caused me a lot of pain- I am not going to sugar coat this. You've made me question who I am as a person, and made me wonder what's wrong with me that you can't find time for me anymore. I do get it on some level, life happens. People move, get married, have kids, etc. But in a day in age where it is easier than ever to keep in touch with people, I find the lack of connection simply irritating and careless. But that being said, I still thank you. I miss some of you terribly to the point where it physically hurts, and a lot of times I cry and wish for the past. But I am DONE apologizing. I am done making excuses for you. I am done trying to bend my life around to make it work to try and keep you in my life. I am done putting my life on hold hoping you'll come back around. I am DONE putting myself second to make everyone else in my life first. And if you don't like that? Good. It makes it easier to see who is really for me when push comes to shove and no one is around. Some people may read this and think I am angry at these people: Oh, don't get me wrong. I am angry. Angry that I poured my time, emotions, money, and love into relationships that disappeared like dust overnight. But from anger can come a lot of beautiful growth. I wouldn't have had the courage to post this a while ago. This isn't me being passive aggressive either- so don't think that. Everyone who I am thinking of when I write this I have had a similar conversation about this with many many many times. And if I haven't had that conversation with you, it's not about you. So stop worrying about it. Thank you for walking away. Thank you for giving me the courage to stop apologizing for who I am. Because of all of you, I will NEVER apologize for who I am, try to change who I am, what I want to do/be, or lower my standards for anyone ever again just to attempt and find love.

I am brave. I am bruised. This is who I am meant to be. This is ME. 

So this is my random thought of the day for you: DO NOT change who you are for the sake of others. Do not apologize for who you are, and who you want to become. Life is too short to have people in your life where all they are gonna do is keep dragging you down. There ARE people who will love you JUST as you are. There ARE people who will love you despite your scars. There ARE people who aren't going to walk away because you are just "too much". There ARE people who aren't going to tell you that you are being selfish and self centered because you are putting yourself first for once. There ARE these people in the world. They are REALLY hard to find. My counselor tells me that every session as well. But I know that there is a place for me, and I am not going to stop fighting until I have my team who loves me for all that I am, all that I was, all that I will be, and isn't gonna just disappear. So watch out world-

Here. I. Come. 

How Big is Your Brave?

 We've all heard the song. (If by some chance you haven't a link to the music video is at the bottom of the post) It played on every radio station, every day for months just like every other popular song. And yet, this song has always challenged me in a way that I haven't really ever been able to put fully into words.

I was listening to Brave as I was working on an assignment for counseling last week. There has been some stuff that I have needed to process and work through that I have just not had any interest in facing up until now. The past year put me through the ringer emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically and I finally decided that I have had enough. I have had enough of doing everything to please everyone around me, and never putting myself first. I have had enough of letting my physical, mental, and spiritual health be all over the place. I've simply had enough. And as I have talked about with my counselor many, many times I came to the same conclusion- the only one who can do anything about all this crap is me. And so I took a step as I was sitting journaling, and I honestly thought "What would happen if I was brave?"

What would happen if I said what I wanted to say? What would happen if I was simply just me? What would happen if I was brave enough to really give up my poor eating habits? What if I was really brave enough to actually start my days in prayer? What would happen? My first thought "Well. Everyone and everything good will be gone." But what if my definition of "good" isn't accurate? I've had a lot of really "good" relationships with friends over the years. And yet, the older I get the more I realize that a lot of those relationships were unhealthy, partially because of some of my actions, and partially because of actions of friends. I truly believe my definition of "good" needs an overall. Because in reality? There are so many things I associate with being "good". We say all the time that God is good. But we also say McDonald's is good. (Don't get me wrong.... I love McDonald's but I know darn well it's not good for me.) Both cannot be good. We talk all the time about how God has "good" things for us..... But what if our definition of "good" is flawed? It scares me sometimes when people tell me that God has good things for me, because "good" has not always been "good' throughout my life. And yet, what if we really (and I mean really, seriously) took the time to reassess our definition of good? What if we were brave enough to sit down, and really ask God to show us what Good HE has for our life, and not what the world's definition of good is?

I took a huge risk this week, and I decided to open up the box of things that I haven't been dealing with emotionally in counseling. The things in the box? They aren't good. They are traumatic, painful, and ugly. Some of them are even under the disguise of good like moving away, or graduating college. But they still hold immense pain for me. And by finally letting them out the good finally gets to be what it is: Good. And the ugly goes away. The pain goes away. While it hasn't yet, I know full well it will because Jesus was brave enough to take every ounce of my pain with Him on the cross and it died 2000 years ago. I just gotta stop letting it stick around.

So here is my random thought of the day for you.... How big is your brave? Are you willing to slow down this year, and let God make your "good" actually be good? Are you willing to reassess your life, and really acknowledge that while things haven't gone as you have planned, maybe God actually can make them good? Can I challenge you? Be brave. Call the person you are fighting with. Make an appt. with a therapist. Stop eating the junk food. Challenge yourself to see the goodness of who God has created you to be. I know you are brave enough to do it!