1 Month Down, 11 More to Go!

So here we are. One month down, eleven more to go. In some ways, I cannot believe I have been here a month. But in SO many other ways I feel like I have been here my whole life! The last few weeks have been hard if I am being honest. A lot of the girls have finally become comfortable enough around me that they are finally starting to show me their true colors. In the past week I've been cussed at, had stuff thrown at me, and been screamed at and yelled at, ignored, manipulated, and lied to. But with their level of trust improving there also comes positives. I've had some incredible conversations with some of the girls, and really started to get to know some of the girls better. It is a really great feeling to have some of the girls asking to talk to me personally about issues they are facing, or even having them own up to a lie they told me. While there is a LOT of struggle and pain, there is also SO much more healing going on. It is incredible and beautiful.

I've really struggled with being the only "new" person at Shelterwood right now. Everyone makes a big deal about their "class" they came in with and whatnot and a lot of them are friends with those they came in with. It's been hard to find my place and learn to trust my co-workers and tell them more of my story and tell them when I am having a bad day. I am such an introvert at heart that it is VERY difficult for me to reach out and make new friends when I am working with people already for 70 hours a week. Its been hard because I haven't received all the training I am supposed to yet because I was the only new person to come in, and there are more newbies coming in May, so I will get the training then. It's been really frustrating at times, but at the same time I just keep coming back to my theme word: Grace. I have to give Shelterwood grace. The girls house has been completely nuts since  I got here. Staff works around the clock 24/7 trying to figure out how we can get things calmed back down and get the girls calmed down on a more regular basis. It is very very hard. And so small things like me getting van trained have to be put lower on the priority list so that the house doesn't go mad.

I was talking through all of this with our discipler Amy today and she spoke just wonderful truths of God into my heart. It is unbelievable how God has oriented things here at Shelterwood to correlate with some of my areas of deepest pain and regret. SO many things have come up that I have to process on a daily basis and it is really hard. We talked about how it has been SO hard for me to be the only newbie here, but for someone else that might not phase them at all, and how God is using that to grow me and shape me and show me my identity in Him and not who I've grown up telling myself I am. Wow.

As I am rereading this post, I feel like it sounds rather negative and I don't want people to think I am unhappy. I LOVE it here. This is the most God oriented, clear thing that I have ever been apart of. I seriously wake up every morning thinking "God, I just cannot believe how clear it is that this is where you want me right now!" It is literally mind blowing to me. I wake up every morning excited to go to work. That doesn't mean my flesh is not afraid of what the day might bring, oh it is. I have never understood the phrase more until now that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. But the beauty is, that I have the opportunity to start each day in the Word and in prayer. I fill my tank and put on my armor of God before I face the battle that the devil has planned for the day. The ONLY way that I have made it this far is because of Jesus Christ. There is nothing else. I seriously do not know how non-Christians work in residential care because if I did not have Jesus there is absolutely no way I could do this job. He gives me love, compassion, and mercy for these girls when my flesh has nothing left to give. He has shown me day after day that when my strength is gone, I can carry on through Him. I have grown SO much in my faith in one short month it is unbelievable. I have been challenged and strengthened in soooo many ways, it is really blowing my mind.

I am healing and learning about my past and from my past by working with these girls. My views on life have been challenged and strengthened and encouraged. It blows my mind the HARD work that these girls are doing at such a young age. I didn't start doing hardcore counseling work until around the age of 18-19. And that was SO hard even in college. These girls are still babies, and yet their awareness and (somewhat) willingness to learn and change at this young of an age inspires me SO much to keep doing my own work and healing. I love these girls, and watching them change and grow each day has been such a blessing, and I am so thrilled that God has allowed me to be apart of their journey.

I have learned so much and changed so much that it is hard to summarize in just one post. I am amazed and inspired and changing each day and learning that God's time is not my own, but His plan is SO much better than mine could ever be. I am so incredibly excited to keep moving forward throughout this year as painful as it can be most days. I want to ask for your prayers for our girls house- our 32 residents, as well as all of the big sisters and office staff, as well as for myself. I couldn't do this without the loving support of my friends and family and I am so thankful for all of you!

The Life of a Big: The Responsibility of a Lifetime

"At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me. “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea."

Matthew 18:1-6

I read this verse a few days ago during my Jesus time, and read my study notes along with it. It talked about how parents, teachers, and others who work with kids have a huge responsibility- we are to lead kids to Jesus, not push them away from him. I've thought about this concept more and more as I get to know my girls and I am realizing what a huge responsibility it is to work here at Shelterwood, and how seriously I need to take my job. 

One of my girls has started calling me Mom, and I call her Daughter. I've only known her about three weeks, but already she is definitely one of my favorites. A few days ago she came and stood next to me and laid her head on my shoulder and said "Hi Mom." I said "Hi Daughter. Are you sleepy?" and we began to talk about how she was tired and whatnot. I realized in that moment that she trusts me. Maybe not entirely, as its impossible to trust someone entirely after only knowing them a few weeks. But at the same time, she trusts me. She came up to me today and said "Can I be your first one on one? I want to tell you all about my life." It seriously melts my heart that these girls want me to be apart of their life.

More and more because of interactions like that I am realizing what a HUGE opportunity this is... I spend almost 24 hours a day with these young ladies. I see them at the best, and I see them at their worst. My coworkers and I have a lot of say on how they get to spend their free time, and who they get to spend it with. I love these girls more than words can say. I didn't think it was possible to love kids to this extent who I have only known for such a short amount of time. But I love them so much, and my heart just aches when they have a bad day, or when they selfharm or are stuck in another rut of serious depression. I sat in the room of one of my girls the other night after a tough conversation with her and listened as she cried herself to sleep. I sat in her doorway praying through my own tears, begging God to intervene in her heart and in her life and to give her comfort. My job is hard. Sometimes it sucks all the emotion out of you, and a lot of times I get to the end of the day and think "What just happened?! Did we make any progress today?!" I wish that I could rescue them, and just hold them in my arms and tell them it's going to be okay. I wish I could take away their pasts hurts and give them all a brand new start. Unfortunately, I can't do that. But I can do the best thing of all: I can show them the love of Jesus and bring them to His feet. 

A lot of my girls want nothing to do with Jesus. I can't say I blame them. A lot of them have been through hell and back and want nothing to do with that "mushy Christian stuff". A lot of them have experienced more pain than I ever will. It's heartbreaking to see it on their faces, especially the ones who find no comfort in Christ and want nothing to do with him. A lot of the girls, even the ones who consider themselves Christians, are not open to spending time doing "Christian" type things. They are all young in their faith and growing. And that is where my job comes in. It is my job to model faith for these young ladies, to be the hands and feet of Jesus and show them his tangible love. Because in reality thats why we do what we do. Of course we want them to stop partying, and self harming, and arguing with their parents. But in reality? We want them to find freedom in Jesus. We want them to find healing in his name, and to know that He will never leave them or forsake them and that their scars dont bother him one bit.

I don't want to cause my girls to stumble, or to push them away from Jesus. And sometimes that is really, really hard. It is easy to get frustrated with the girls sometimes and forget to put love and grace first. I want to ask of those who read this to please pray for myself, the Shelterwood staff, and especially my girls. I can't give names, but if you would like specific things to pray about for myself staff or the girls please let me know. We need all the prayers we can get!! God is doing great things, and it is beautiful. 

So in conclusion here is my random thought of the day for you: Do you cause the children you work with to stumble? Do you let your emotions take over when you're interacting with your kids? Are you providing opportunites for your kids to learn about Christ when you interact with them? Do you openly talk about your faith with your kids? Do you talk about how you struggle? Are you willing to put your pride aside and do whatever it takes to help your child in whatever circumstance? Are you holding things against your child from the past that need to be forgiven? Are you praying with your kids? Do you know where your kids are at in their faith? Do your kids know they can trust you? I know this is like a weird version of 20 questions, but seriously take some time and think these through. There is almost no job that is more important than guiding children through life to grow up to be Christ following adults. Take some time and assess the relationships you have with kids and teens in your life, and make changes if you need to. It may mean some work on your part- going to counseling to deal with your past pain, starting going to church on Sundays, getting up early in the morning to do prayer and devos, etc. Whatever it takes to be a good role model for your kids- do it. You won't regret it. When you're kids see how head over heals in love you are with Christ, it will open up opportunities in your relationship with them that you could have never imagined possible! 

Thank you in advance for the prayers for my littles. They are such a gift and I love them so much!! I found this song tonight, and I feel that it summarizes this blog post perfectly! 

Are You Still Stuck on Good Friday?

I had a minor pity party for myself yesterday. Yesterday I was tired, a few of the girls had been whining to me about house drama, and I was just sick and tired of people. On top of that, I had some emotional stuff come up the day before and my mind could not stop focusing on that and wishing I could have a counseling session. It had to be a pretty pathetic sight. We got back from a great day at the museum/chocolate factory and decided we were going to watch the "Son of God" movie because it was Good Friday. My thoughts? "Oh good. I can just sit down and focus on my problems for a while instead of the girls. Let me go get my journal." So I sat in the middle of our living room and journaled and complained and pouted about how I felt, and was letting out my emotion to God, explaining why I am angry and hurt regarding different things. My mind was not on Easter at all to say the least. My mind was stuck on Good Friday. (More explanation coming in a second) 

And then, I started getting distracted by the movie. It was okay, but not great, but moments kept catching my interest. Suddenly, the movie got to the part about the crucifixion. I was watching as Judas was betrying Jesus, and I had a thought "Man. I am so glad my friends wouldn't betray me to be killed. That would seriously suck." And then the magnitude of what I was thinking hit me. Holy cow! One of Jesus's BEST friends betrayed him for some money. I cannot imagine how deeply that would hurt. I've had some pretty major fights with friends over the years, but nothing even close to that extent. After this moment, I was hooked to the movie.

I was suddenly reminded of a sermon I watched by Louie Giglio last year called "When Life Hurts the Most". It was life altering. Part of the sermon talks about how God can use the worst things in life for eternal good. Louie says " Are you still stuck on Good Friday? Think about it. If we were there we would be SO mad at Jesus. Our whole lives/beliefs would appear to be a lie. 'God is not powerful or real. Everything he said was really just a fairytale!' But we aren't standing there anymore. We say the cross is the most beautiful thing we have ever experienced. He will do the same thing with our lives." There is really no better description for how I felt on Friday I was SO mad at God for parts of my past, and so bitter and resentful that he had allowed things to go the way they did. But then I remembered this quote, and my whole perspective for the rest of the movie changed.

As they were beating Jesus, they showed a close up of his blood mixing with the tears pouring down his face. My heart just broke. I cannot even begin to imagine how much pain Jesus was in. I have been so angry a God many, many times saying "How could you let ______ happen?! This just isn't fair!" Ive been severely depressed, had panic attacks, and other issues plague my life that would leave me in tears just begging God to take it away or even take me away. I know pain. I know pain all too well.And I can honestly say that my faith did not become applicable to me until I really understood the crucifixion. 

I used to think that Jesus only died because I was "bad". Do I sin? Most definitely. But have I done something awful like murder someone or drugs or steal? Nope. So for a long time I didn't see a real need for a savior. I kept thinking "I am a decent person, why isn't that enough?!" But last year I came to a startling revelation- Jesus understands my pain. Every ounce of my physical and emotional pain he felt on the cross, plus EVERYONE else's. Do you get that? Let that sink in. My pain has almost killed me a handful of times, that is a terrifying place to be. If my pain has almost killed me because it was so unbearable, imagine what Jesus went through?! He legitimately died of a broken heart. I also realized this: We need a savior because live in a broken world and are doomed to die. Yes, we are sinful and thats what caused the brokenness and the need for a savior. Nothing I can do can bridge that gap between us and God, it will always come up short. And thats why he came- because he can't stand the thought of eternity without us. And so Jesus took on my pain on that cross for hours and died so that I wouldn't have to spend my whole life in pain, and can eventually have freedom in heaven. Woah. Let that sink in.

Jesus took the pain so that you'd have an opportunity to escape from it and find comfort in him. Holy cow. I've been suicidal and depressed and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, it is the most terrifying thing that I have ever experienced. And yet Jesus took it on willingly because he loves me that much. I can't even comprehend that. It just blows my mind in an incredible way, and comforts my heart in a way I can't describe. 

I read in my study notes today in my Bible as I read the Easter story that many times Christians will read about Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane and think "Why didn't God answer Jesus's prayer?! If God won't give Jesus what he asks for why should I believe he will help me?!" In reality? God did answer Jesus, just not in the way even Jesus hoped. God gave Jesus the emotional and physical strength to get through the trial before him. Was it what Jesus wanted? Nope. But in the long run it was what he needed and what was best for Him. 

God does the same thing for us. I loved this quote from the Louie sermon " The cross is proof that God will not change every circumstance. But it is proof that He has a purpose in every circumstance." Hallelujah! 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Does Easter really have meaning to you? Or is it just about the chocolate eggs? Do you understand Jesus's sacrifice for you on a personal, emotional level? I want to challenge you tonight to get past Good Friday. Take a moment and really make the crucifixion personal. Relate it to your life. And remember, that Jesus took your pain and suffering with Him on the Cross. He knows what you're going through and he gets it. He's not mad at you for being sad, or hurting, or angry. He felt it too and is right here with you. So in the midst of your pain I want to remind you that it is not without purpose, and you are never alone. In just a few hours the sun will rise and we will celebrate our risen savior. For the first time in my life this has a substantial meaning to me. I am SO excited to celebrate Easter. I am finally making the journey past Good Friday, and celebrating my risen Savior. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow, and so can you!