I sit here in my living room once again on another New Year's Eve, and part of me cannot believe that yet another year has come to a close. I think back to where I was at at this time in 2015, and it honestly just breaks my heart. I was SO worn out, defeated, and broken. I still cannot remember 90% of October-December of 2015. I was so desperate for this year to be ANYTHING but 2015, that I couldn't even dream, ask or imagine any goals of what that could even look like. And now I sit here, and I see how God pulled me out of that dark pit, and has brought me into more than I could have ever asked or imagined.
This year I worked at a nannying job that I LOVED. I got to go back to Shelterwood and restore relationships and bring closure to a season that brought immense joy and immense pain. I got to go spend a week in Denver, Colorado with my best friend. I got to go to Chicago with my best friends for the first time. I moved to Ohio and got my first car and first apartment and started working at a job that I LOVE.
This year was also filled with pain.... I lost my uncle to a drug overdose. I've watched as many of my friendships have fallen apart due to life changes, and people changing. I've cried as I've worked through things in counseling. I've cried as I've realized that I am a person who deserves love, and deserves to be treated appropriately, and have lost relationships because of that. I've been angry at God as I simply haven't understood what He was doing and how He was working. It's been quite the year honestly, it's been quite the year.
And yet I sit here, and I read my blog post from last year and I realized that for the first time in my life I fulfilled my resolution for this year: I simply wanted to live a life that gave me the freedom to be me in whatever context that ended up being, and I feel like I achieved that in so many more ways than I could have ever imagined.
And now I look to 2017. There is a large part of me that wants to set a bunch of unfufillable goals, but there is a larger part of me that wants 2017 to look a lot like 2016 did, simply learning to be me, and who God created me to be, not who the world tells me to be. I could choose to sit here and be afraid of what this year could bring, I know I was afraid last year, I wont deny that in the slightest. But, in true Hunger Games fashion, here is my resolution for 2017:
That's my only goal of 2017- I want to live a life of Hope instead of fear. I want the Hope and peace of Christ to be so evident in my life, that the fear of Satan has no place, and no control. I want to continue running headfirst into the life God has called me to live.
So here is my random thought of the day for you.... What can be your goal this year to be more of who God created you to be? It may be getting healthy, or it may be taking time to pray each day. It may mean starting counseling, or getting back into going to church. But here this- Even if you fail miserably and don't accomplish ANYTHING over the next year please don't forget that your purpose doesn't come from a stupid new years resolution. It comes from Christ, and no matter what is thrown at you this year, as long as He is in the drivers seat you can throw fear out the window because God's got it! And, I can guarantee that when you sit down next year you will be blown away by all you've accomplished even if it feels like the past year was a failure.
So to friends, family, acquaintances, or family members in Christ- Happy New Year. Thank you for walking through this journey of life with me, and I hope God fills your next year with blessings beyond what you can comprehend!
I am sitting in our kitchen sipping tea and chatting with my co-worker Rachel in British accents as I try to refill my tank after a week that I'd rather forget as it was draining physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
After an incredibly filling weekend, I came back to work and got SLAMMED. Literally and metaphorically. On Monday, I came back and discovered that my heat wasn't working properly in my apartment. Tuesday, I backed into a co-workers car and caused some damage to my vehicle and hers. After I got my insurance stuff figured out on Wednesday morning I sat down and through tears said "I am basically homeless since my apartment is too cold to stay there, and now I am stranded without a car! Are you kidding me?! I thought life was going to get easier when I accepted this job and moved! Not ridiculously harder!" I seriously began questioning all that God has been doing, and what he has called me to do. As I talked to my counselor in tears Tuesday and Wednesday, she gently reminded me that the world was not coming to an end. Yes, these things are hard. Very hard when it's the first time you are experiencing them as a young adult for the first time out on your own. But she reminded me that I would survive this, and that it was okay to cry and be stressed out and angry that all of this happened.
As many of you know, I also have been struggling hardcore with the fact that we haven't had girls in our house in a really long time. Patience is not exactly my strongest quality, actually it's probably the thing I struggle with the most. I finally got to a point a few nights ago where I just laid my heart out to God and said "My way isn't working. I know you've called me here for a purpose. Please reveal to my heart what that purpose is, please. Even if only a part of it." And I left it at that.
On Wednesday we got a bunch of referral calls, one after another and it looks like we will in fact have girls sometime in the near future. My heart finally feels like it can calm down for the first time since the end of September, and that my friends is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
So now as I sit here under the lights of our Christmas tree, (Yes, I moved. This blog post took me a while to write lol) I am remembering this key phrase: It's not over until God says it's over. My co-worker Rachel and I talked for a while this morning and she introduced me to this song by Kirk Franklin:
And as I sat and listened to the words this morning, God refreshed my perspective and reminded me that no matter what kind of giant is before me, it's not over until He says it's over. I sit here and I think "Is my life easy right now?" No, it's not. My apartment may be having heating problems, but I have a nice warm house with lovely co-workers to stay at. My car may be in the shop, but I have family and friends who are willing to pick me up and drive me places. I may have to pay a car repair bill for the next few months, but at least I have a job to pay for it.
So here is my random thought of the day for you: What things have you decided are over and done with that God may be trying to tell you that He isn't finished with yet? Can I challenge you today? Take time and talk with Him about all of that. I guarantee you that there is a reason for the season you are in. It may not be a fun reason, but there is a reason. I sit here under the light of the tree and I am thankful for this season of no girls. It has made me learn how to set boundaries with people at this new job. It has given me a chance to get to know my co-workers. It has helped me learn some new things that trigger my anxiety, and given me a chance to get real with God. All of which are things that would have been very difficult to think through and handle on top of working with the girls.
So while this season has been really hard, I am thankful and I know that I have grown a whole heck of a lot because of it. And I hope that no matter what you are facing today, you remember this one thing- It's not over until He says it's over.
I am sitting here at work today, and it is almost 70 degrees outside. I laughed as I looked at my Timehop this morning and it had snowed on this day one year ago. Everyone in the Michigan/Ohio has one expectation for this time of year: COLD. SNOW. EW. And yet? Here we are. It's warm, and it's gently, slowing fading from the warmth of summer into the cold of winter and it's taking a LOT longer than it normally does. Some people are horribly upset by this idea. However I hate winter, and so I am beyond thrilled that this is our current life situation. But in all reality? It is a season of unmet expectations. For the fall lovers, this has been a horribly disappointing fall because it is still 'warm'. I sat and thought about this this morning, and realised that it is very similar to where I am at physically as well- this has been a season of unmet expectations.
I have talked many times before about how this new season has not gone how I have planned. We have not had girls for a while, and this past week has been CRAZY exhausting trying to make some decisions and work out some important details very very quickly. I sat there as I had a moment last night, beyond exhausted, and I thought "I feel like I did at Shelterwood." and I straight up panicked thinking "NO. This is NOT how this job is supposed to go! I am supposed to be fine! I need to up my self care! NO NO NO!" And after talking with a co-worker and talking through logistics I came to this conclusion- We had a long 48 hours. This is NOT consistently how I feel at work here- EVER. Yes, it's tiring, and stressful, but this is not how it is normally. Yes, this season looks different than I expected. My expectation for this season- an expectation that I would develop deep, meaningful relationships with my girls and find fulfillment in my job right away- has not been met. But, that does not mean it is a bad season and I need to run for the hills. It just means it is different. My expectations of how my first 3 months on this job were supposed to go haven't been met. And that is 100% okay.
I have walked through this new season feeling very alone. Granted, my co-workers are INCREDIBLE humans, and I love them all dearly. I feel like I have known them all my entire life, not just for a little over 2 months. But, I have longed for the "familiar". I have longed for friends from home to call when I am stressed, and to come visit me in my new apartment. I have had to come to terms with the fact that all my friendships are in a season of transition and change- and a few may be coming to a close. It's hard, it's uncomfortable, and it's yet another expectation that I had going into this season- an expectation that my support system from years past would stay consistent and get stronger- that has not come to pass. And that is 100% okay.
I've struggled, and questioned, and asked God consistently why He is asking me to walk this path right here, and right now when I feel so vulnerable and alone. I hate waking up each day and realizing that these expectations are not being met. It makes me want to scream "SCREW THIS!" at the world and just hide with my sweatpants and ice cream and binge watch netflix allllll day. But just as I am finding beauty and joy in the fact that the warmth has stuck around a little longer and the season is looking different than everyone expected- there is that beauty and warmth in how my season of change is looking different than I expected.
I have had a LOT of time to get to know my coworkers and really get to know their hearts and their passions. I have gotten to really focus on some counseling stuff that needed to be addressed. I have gotten to have some incredibly difficult conversations with my best friends that while painful have lead to a known sense of deeper trust and hope for the future that our relationship will be even stronger. I sit here, and I see so much beauty in the pain. I see hope in each falling leaf, and know that God is working in my heart in ways that I couldn't ask or imagine. My original expectations may not have been met, but the expectation that God is working? That expectation is being met consistently, 100% everyday.
So here is my random thought of the day for you- Are you sulking in unmet expectations? Or are you allowing yourself to sit in the expectation that God is always working, and looking for how He is working around you? That is my challenge for you this afternoon- stop looking for the world to meet your expectations. It's not going to. But, if you can take a step back, acknowledge that God is working, loves you, and wants the best for you and have THAT be your expectation? You are going to see blessings coming from raindrops that you never thought could even begin to be. So take a moment today, and take that time with God and let him meet His expectations for you beyond your wildest dreams.
If I am being honest, the past month has been extremely frustrating for me. As many of you know, I love working with kids. It's what fills me, drives me, gives me passion and fulfillment. And I took this new job excited for all the things I would be able to do for these girls who would be under my care.
And then the last two weeks of September happened, and my 'plan' went to shreds. We haven't had girls since then. And we've sat around as staff talking and wondering "What the heck is going on?! Normally we have a waiting list of girls!" We have prayed, we have wondered, we have worked hard trying to do everything we can to pass time till we get girls again.
And as we have gone through this process, I have realized something. I find a LOT of my identity in my work. I find a LOT of my worth in my work. And I have begun feeling like If I am not doing meaningful work, maybe I don't have as much meaning as I thought. Basically, my worth is only as good as the work that I perform. Now, before you all go berserk on me telling me my worth comes from Jesus, and that my worth is not performance based, let me answer you: I know. But as someone who has struggled with this idea her ENTIRE life, it is not a struggle that goes away without a severe, intense fight. And it loves to come back and visit at all the wrong times, just like your annoying relatives.
And so I have sat these past few weeks at work with my inner world constantly churning 24/7, feeling completely unworthy of this job, my anxiety and depression spiking constantly, and just feeling like a hot mess more often than not. And as I sat in tears talking to my counselor a few days ago she gently told me that this time off is good, and giving me a chance to really adjust to life in Ohio. She told me that this time of 'nothing' may be good because it is really allowing me to address some strongholds and places of deep deep pain before I have to put most of my energy into caring for girls again. And as I thought through this, I remembered something my friend told me a few years ago: I am a human BEING not a human DOING. Sometimes you just gotta take a chill pill and just BE, and have that be okay.
And so that is what this past month has looked like for me, learning how to simply be a real, authentic, human BEING. I am learning how to just be Marissa in every sense of the concept. How to be calm Marissa, anxious Marissa, happy Marissa, sad Marissa, excited Marissa, exhausted Marissa, energized Marissa, healthy Marissa, and simply just Marissa as a whole person. I've spent time laughing, crying, talking, coloring, and just learning who I am as a person. And as much as I have HATED it in some regards, I know this is what God needs from me right now. He needs me to learn who the real Marissa is, so that I can help the girls find their real, true selves that He has created them to be.
I have people in my life who only seemingly want to talk when they want something from me. It's frustrating, draining, and hurtful at times. And yet, I know I do the exact same thing to others and it's something that I have tried for years to stop doing and something that I hope I have improved on. But if this move has showed me nothing else, it has shown me my worth as a human being, and that I don't have to simply stay in relationships with people, or in a job, or really anything because people 'tolerate' me. I have worth simply because of one thing and one thing alone: I am a Child of God. And that my friends, is all that matters. Not how often people text me. Not how often I feel like I am being used by people. Not how often I feel loved. No, simply the fact alone that I am a Child of God gives me all the worth I can and will ever need.
So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you still living your life like a human doing? Are you convinced that if you stopped doing things for the people you love they would stop loving/talking to you? Can I encourage you to let that go today? Or at least ask God to work in that, and to step in and to start healing your heart? I encourage you to take a deep breath, and take this weekend to just be.
Be present in your day. Shut off your phone for a while. Get off FB. Call an old friend. Go for a walk. Go do some art. Listen to some music. Just take time for you, and let God show you the "you" he created you to be. Take a moment, breathe, and just be.
I haven't posted in a while. I wanna say that wasn't intentional but in some ways I am not sure if it was intentional or not. I have had a lot going in in my personal life as well as at work. We haven't had any girls for a little bit at work which has left time for working on policies and procedures, as well as a lot of self care time for staff which in some ways is awesome, and in some ways it's really hard.
I am no stranger to self care or self awareness. Ask anyone who has ever had a deep conversation with me- I LOVE learning more about myself and how my brain operates and why I act the way I do. I love counseling, and I find it fascinating to see how we can alter our behaviors. I love it. But sometimes? Sometimes I get hyper focused on things. I get in too deep. And I get overwhelmed.
It's been hard for me to balance that over the past few weeks. I have learned a LOT, don't get me wrong. It's so so so clear to me that God brought me here for this season for a clear reason, and it has been incredible. But it has been HARD. I've been getting really wrapped up in my own brokenness, if I am being honest. And constantly asking God "How can you use me when ______ (panic attacks, anxiety, depression, whatever) keeps happening?! You can't POSSIBLY want or be able to use me when I am still this broken!"
And then I hear this song. My co-workers have often talked about how this song is basically the theme song of our ministry. And I sit here and I let the words wash over my heart over and over again as I think "It was never supposed to be this way. This is not how I planned my life at all." And yet God keeps whispering to me "I see healing beyond belief. I am not finished yet. When you see wounded I see Mended."
There's nothing I can to do lose what Grace has won. Think about that.... There is NOTHING that has happened to me or will happen to me that can defeat God's grace and love for me. I watch as my co-workers pour grace over and over again as we all navigate our own stories. We all have our pain, each and every one of us. How it comes out just looks different based on our stories.
And so I sit here sipping my coffee and all I can think is this "I am so thankful God is mending my heart." It hurts, and it is not an easy process. But as I talk to my therapist and others who I know have my back and believe in me every step of the way, I am excited. I am excited to see how God is going to work through all of this. I look back on myself a year ago, and I have changed SO MUCH. So much. I would not be able to handle the life I have right now last year. It would have been too much. And so I sit here and I think "Yes. I feel challenged right now, and sometimes it hurts and it is scary. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is bringing me the healing that I have longed for, and I couldn't ask for anything more.
So here is my random thought of the day for you today: What part of your life do you need to start seeing from God's perspective? I challenge you to bring your pain before God and ask him to show you the purpose in your pain. Ask Him why it has to be this way. Ask Him to show you how He is mending your heart. Challenge yourself to change your perspective. I am NOT saying this means to shove emotion and pretend you're happy. NO. I am saying the opposite. I am saying ask God to give you the strength to TRULY face that pain. To feel it, grieve it, and let it out. I am asking you to ask God to help you forgive people who have hurt and continue to hurt you. I am asking you to ask God to show you His grace in every moment of your life today. I hate tears. I hate crying. I hate anger- I hate yelling. I hate it all. And yet I know that God is gently helping me learn to feel and express these things in a healthy way so I can truly be the person He created me to be. And I think that is such an incredible gift- the fact that we actually have the opportunity to be healed and whole through Christ. So I challenge you today- take that step. Allow God to show you how He is mending your wounds step by step. You won't regret it.
Healing. It's a concept that I talk about in almost every single post that I write on this blog, and yet I have had a hard time sitting down to write this post. I was recently invited to be a part of the launch team for Jenny Simmons new book "Made Well". As many of you know, I read her first book "The Road to Becoming" a few months ago and it utterly changed my life.
The same has been true with Made Well. This book came at a time when I have never been more fully aware that God is taking me on a new journey of healing and restoration, and it's been terrifying quite honestly. Jenny takes the concept of healing in Made Well and breaks it down on a level that is soothing and comforting and leads you right back to Jesus in a way that I didn't really even think was possible.
I have said many times before that I have this idea in my head of what my own healing is supposed to look like. I have told my counselor a million times "I know I will actually be healed when _______ happens." And in reality? Most of those things haven't happened and it's kept me going in circles for a while now. And then I read this book, and it made me redefine what my own healing could look like. I love when Jenny says " Healing happens when we entrust ourselves to God's care and become aware of the miraculous ways He is at work in our midst, binding the wounds. While we yell "FIX IT!" and shake our fists at the lack of response, God is often quietly at work behind the scenes answering in ways we would never expect or pray for. The ways that come small, steady, and whispery in the dark of the night in the depths of pain. The ways that aren't always bashy and grand."
I don't know about you, but healing has always appeared bashy and grand in my own mind. It had to be spectacular, it had to be incredible! It had to be EVERYTHING that I demanded, or else God MUST not be who he says he is. Well guess what? That's just not true.
"Miracles happen, cures are discovered, and seemingly impossible situations and relationships are redeemed and restored here and now. But even if they are not, my ability for wholeness is not diminished or stolen. Far beyond the curing of our bodies or the fixing of our temporal situations, God is in the business of making us well in completely other ways."
I read this quote, and in many ways it gives my heart sweet relief. It gives me sweet relief to know that God is still God regardless if I still wake up in the morning with anxiety and depression. God is still God even when I show signs of having PTSD. God is still God when I have flashbacks and panic attacks. God is still God when I am angry and hurting. God is still God, and he IS healing my heart in ways I cannot even conceive or imagine. God may not heal my mental health issues on this side of heaven, but He can and has made me well in completely other ways.
At some point in our lives we all need healing. I know we haven't all been abused, or seen the horrors of war, or watched a loved one die. But we have all without fail experienced deep pain. We all have experienced hurt, loss and grief in some nature. And that means we all need to go on a healing journey of some nature. Yes, some may be longer than others. Some may be shorter. But at some point we all need healing in some regard. And that's what I want to challenge you to today.
I used to think my wholeness and wellness depended on the people I had around me in my life- family, friends, co-workers, my therapist etc. And in all reality, that does play a roll. And I blamed and continue to blame all of them when my healing isn't going in the direction that I have planned for it too. But the truth? The truth is that my wholeness and wellness comes from and is only dependant on Christ alone, and I trust that He has, and will continue to make me well. I am very clear that I love mental health. I love counseling, I love my therapist in a professional way, and I LOVE the healing that God has brought to my life through those resources and is continuing to take me on. I want to challenge you today to take your own step towards your own healing journey- What roadblocks to healing do you have up? What is your "I know I will actually be healed when _______ happens." statement? I want to challenge you today to really think through "Is that realistic? and can I trust Jesus to still heal my heart even if that doesn't happen?" Being healthy and whole are NOT the same thing. I have tried MANY 'health' things to fix my un-wholeness, trust me. It doesn't work. The definition of healthy is "enjoying or possessing good health and vigor of body and spirit." Healing literally means "to make whole". One is a possession, the other is a process. I have searched for the possession my entire life, and it's finally time to commit to the process, 100%.
So here is my random thought of the day for you- Do you want to be Made Well? Are you ready to commit to this journey of letting God heal you in ways you could never ask or imagine? It will be messy, and it will hurt and be filled with scars and scabs. But, the healing and freedom that will come from it will be far more worth it than you can even comprehend. I challenge you today to take whatever steps you need to to start this journey- set up an appointment with a therapist. Call a friend, call me, join a church group. Just do something. And I can promise you that God is going to honor your vulnerability and willingness to to dive into this journey with him.
P.S.- If you are wanting to buy Jenny's book (which I highly highly recommend!!!!) Go check it out on amazon at the link below!!
I have had this song on repeat alllll morning. I've probably heard it a good 20 times today, no exaggeration. I encourage you to listen to this song, and pray the lyrics over yourself, home, work, family and friends. Honestly? I had it blasting earlier and was praying for Ann Arbor and all the students as I drove through town earlier.
Everyone always talks about how when you are clearly doing the work of God, you'll be under extra attack from the devil. I always took that with a grain of salt. Coming from a background where I was always convinced that something bad was going to happen and it was always God's fault, I figured "What more could Satan do to me that God hasn't punished me with already?!" (Yes. I know- WAY messed up thinking... Praise God I don't feel this way anymore after a lot of mentoring from strong adult Christian leaders!!)
But yet here I am. Starting my second year of working ministry full time. A place I NEVER expected to find myself even as I graduated from college. I never saw myself working ministry because I wasn't sure what I actually thought and believed about God for a longggg time. And I thought "If I have questions, how the heck am I going to answer other peoples questions when they have them?!" Thankfully again I have learned that sometimes the best ministry comes out of being authentic and simply just admitting that you don't know it all and that is totally okay! Working in ministry has actually solidified and strengthened my faith in a way that I never really thought could be possible.
After the past two weeks being INSANE at work. I had moments where I questioned what the heck I was doing, but thankfully I never really considered running and quitting. But, I have felt like the house where I work has been under spiritual attack recently. Each of my co-workers and myself have faced incredible challenges in our personal life on top of work being crazy. We work with some of the most vulnerable, hurting, abused kids on the face of this planet. The work we do is really important. Not because we are good at what we do, but because our work is the hands and feet of Jesus giving his love to these precious girls. And I have been angry, quite honestly! I have yelled on my short drive home from work praying for my girls and praying that Satan would get the heck out of our house, because he does NOT reign there.
And so here I sit at my weekly Starbuck date with myself, and I feel angry still. I just want to scream at Satan to leave my girls alone! Leave my co-workers alone! Go pick on someone else! And yet, then I listen to the words of this song:
"Our God reigns here, Our God reigns here. We claim this ground in Jesus’ name ‘Cause our God reigns. Our God reigns here, Our God reigns here. The battle’s won-Have no fear ’Cause God reigns here-He reigns here!"
Did you read that? 'the battle's won, have no fear cuz God reigns here. The battle is won. I have a righteous anger at Satan, don't get me wrong, and I could waste ALL the time in the world being mad at him for the destruction he is causing. But in reality? That is JUST what he wants me to do. He has thrown obstacle after obstacle in our paths trying to make it impossible to help these girls, and prove to them that they are unloveable. And if I listen to that, it makes my human nature shiver with fear.
But what does my TRUE identity say? The identity who is secure in Christ as a daughter of the King, and knows that I am living on a battleship for the army of Christ, not a cruise ship? My true self says "Satan, you have no place here. I command you to leave here in Jesus name. Come back from whence you came." And with that? I straighten my helmet of salvation, buckle my helmet of truth, and take up my sword of the spirit. And that is that. I do NOT have to spend my time fighting pointless battles with Satan- I know who wins in the end. I will defend and protect these girls till my dying breath, but in reality? Thats it for me. I can't really save them. I cant really heal them. I can guide them, love them and protect them. But in reality we need God to do the real protection and fight the ultimate battle against satan for us.
And so, that's my new mission for this journey. I can put on my armor of God each morning, and pray for protection and strength for my girls, and know that in the end God will defeat Satan and all will be well in the new heaven and the new earth. I can continue leading my girls on this path of healing, and recognizing that they are made well regardless if all of their physical and mental scars are miraculously healed or not. (more on that later this week!)
So here is my random thought of the day for you.... Where are you forgetting that God does in fact reign and not Satan? Where are you spending wayyyy too much energy trying to defeat Satan on your own when in reality you need to let God step in and do his thing? We often convince ourselves that it feels more safe to feel secure and protect ourselves by ourselves because we are in control, but I promise you the security that comes with giving these battles over to Christ will give you peace that surpases all understanding. So I challenge you today- what do you need to give over to Christ? What battles do you need to stop fighting physically and mentally and start fighting with prayer? I encourage you to take some time tonight and sit down with God and reassess your battle plan. You won't regret it!
I've tried to write this update three separate times now. God has laid SO many things on my heart to share, and yet I know it will be seemingly impossible to fit them all into one blog post! My heart is full. Full of chaos, happiness, sadness, anger, grief, and probably 100 more emotions. To all the texts, phone calls, and emails I have ignored over the past month, I sincerely apologize!! You are not being ignored, I have simply been WAY too busy for my own good. Tonight is the first time I have had time to sit down and process in almost 2-3 weeks, and that in itself is a bit overwhelming in itself beside the fact that work has been a bit intense and crazy over the past week.
I am overwhelmed by the fact that it is SO incredibly clear that this is where God wants me. I think I knew that God wanted me at Shelterwood as well, but I let the fear overwhelm the goodness at that point in my life and it was hard to simply see how God was working and I was SO terrified of what I had gotten myself into I couldn't focus on anything else. This time around? Completely different. Mind you, I am still afraid. Terrified might even be a good word. And yet, my mind has been blown since I started working at The Daughter Project just a short 4 weeks ago. I have been scared out of my mind, but I have been coping extremely well. This past week has been INSANE with things going on at work, and yet I have stayed level headed. Triggered beyond all belief multiple times- no panic attacks. Memories of Shelterwood flooding my mind 24/7- no panic, and really only a few tears. I've just simply been shocked, quite frankly. God has given me strength that I did not know I possessed until a few weeks ago.
I prayed SO many specific things for the season after I quit nannying. Quite frankly I prayed "God, you need to be EXTREMELY clear that this is where I am supposed to go next. X.Y. and Z all need to be realities for me to actually know completely that I am supposed to go." And then, (freakishly) all the pieces fell into place slowly one by one. I completely lost my mind quite frankly. I was terrified because in all reality? I wasn't sure I wanted to go. I was quite content being comfortable. I was content making the money I was making. I was content not having to do real work in counseling. I was content not having to use much of my education. I was content, but I was not fulfilled or happy.
And here we are. I am in a place that fits EXACTLY what I need spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. And each day it gets a little easier. I joked with my co-workers yesterday saying "I feel weird telling people I LOVE my job when sometimes my job involves insane things like chasing after teenagers who are running away from our facility, or going to court, or being yelled at alllllll day, and being called awful names. My job is hard, but I come out every single day LOVING what I do."
That being said, my co-workers. Good gracious. If any of you are reading this- YOU ARE AMAZING! I have never, ever ever felt SO loved, appreciated, valued, and cherished as these people have made me feel. They are seriously the most incredible people I have ever gotten to know. It has amazed me how God has challenged these relationships thus far, and really challenging me to be vulnerable with them and get to know their hearts and stories. I had some INCREDIBLE relationships at Shelterwood, and I still do. But there was always a part of me that felt like I never quite fit in, and wasn't able to be as vulnerable and real with them as I probably needed to be. And yet the healing God has brought from that, and the change in me He has brought through that has been absolutely incredible.
Simply in general, I have begun to see the fruit of taking a year off and the HARD work I did in counseling. I have changed SO much over the past year, it is mindblowing. In reality? I have changed SO SO much over the past two years, I don't even recognize myself much anymore. I am in the middle still of a longgggg journey of healing, but for the first time in my life I thought yesterday "I can see tangible evidence that I have healed and grown over the past two years." And then I simply smiled.
But later, those thoughts began to haunt me quite frankly. I was scared- what if I can't "keep this up" what if I fall back? What if I fail? What if it gets bad again?! And in reality? It will. But God has made it SO clear that I have entered a new season- a season of restoration. He wants to restore me so desperately to who He has created me to be. And in reality? I won't be there till heaven. But this new season, I know God is calling me to freedom- to let go of my past, and to try new and exciting things that I have spent my whole life being afraid to do. And I am excited and terrified all at the same time. As I have said to co-workers a lot over the past few weeks "It's just messy!"
I listened to the song I posted above on Sunday, as well as today and I felt that it fit well for this season and really is my prayer as I start this new journey. When I taste the goodness of the Lord, I shall not be in want. I have never ever been so satisfied with what God is teaching me, revealing to me and providing to me. As nervous as I am for this new season, I am 100x more excited to see how God is going to continue working in my life and healing my heart as well as the hearts of the girls I work with, and my co-workers. It has already been such an immense blessing, and I know there are only more to come.
I ask for your prayers, as well as support. I welcome messages, phone calls, letters, Bible verses, quotes, care packages, or anything of the sort. I am so so thankful for the community God has given me, both at home in Michigan, and around the globe quite frankly. If you are interested on how you can support the girls I work with, please feel free to contact me and I can give you some ideas!
So here is my random thought of the day for you.... In what areas of your life does God want to bring you restoration? Maybe it's your marriage, or your relationship with your kids. Maybe it's your relationship with God, or your relationship with an unhealthy coping mechanism. Maybe it's not a relationship at all, I don't know. But I do know that God is a God of restoration, and he wants to bring you that healing in ways you cannot even begin to ask or imagine!
Okay, maybe that is a little blunt and maybe not entirely true. I went in thinking "I worked at Shelterwood and there is NOTHING that is going to phase me or will be harder than anything I encountered there. I've been called horrific names, been hit, scratched, had things thrown at me, and told I was worthless, unloveable, and really anything else derogatory you can think of. Bring it on, I'll show you how tough I am! Ask me any question, throw me in any scenario, I am 100% prepared!"
Well friends? That came back to bite me in the butt today. Today was the first day that training actually challenged me emotionally and mentally. I had stuff from Shelterwood triggered, and it made me start thinking things like "I am not ready for this, I am not qualified enough for this, why would these girls ever want anything to do with me?!" I at least recognized that they are all lies, but it's hard to have that kind of thinking coming in like it used to everyday I worked at the wood. My thinking patterns of "knowing it all" was a way of protecting myself. If I know in my head that nothing these girls can throw at me will be surprising or new, I don't have to worry about it hurting me because I have seen it before. But, if there are unknowns, suddenly my mind is convinced that I am not safe and I need to freak out. In reality? Thats not always true. Welcome to a mind with severe anxiety lol
We had trauma training today at the local counties children's services, and I went to my car and balled my eyes out for a good ten minutes. It all started coming back to me, the pain that these kids have gone through that NO child should ever have to go through EVER. It makes me angry, I hurt for them and their families. And I realized once again, that there is NO WAY I can possibly be prepared for every single scenario that I am going to face with these girls. Especially because I have never worked exclusively with sex trafficking survivors. And I felt like God called me out. In a loving way mind you, but I got called out. He told me: "Marissa, I am not done working in you, or through you yet. In your mind Shelterwood started and ended that journey, but I have SO much more to teach you. I have so much more life and freedom for you that is still so locked up from your own past, and it's time to keep moving forward, healing, forgiving and moving forward. We aren't done here yet."
There have been so many things that have been hard for me regarding starting this job that I haven't been able to verbalize to anyone else. It's been chaotic, as I am still driving back and forth from Michigan everyday as I wait for my cat pee filled carpet in my apartment to be replaced. Everything is chaotic, nothing is unpacked, I have nowhere to simply rest and process my thoughts. As I was crying on the phone talking to my counselor this afternoon she stopped me while I was word vomiting and said "Marissa, go find Starbucks. Any Starbucks. It's familiar to you, it's calming for you. Process for a bit and then turn on Friends. Let yourself unwind and relax for a bit." So I here I sit, in a random Starbucks just like I did so many times in Missouri simply trying to process what is going on in my own life.
I love the organization I am working for. I love my co-workers. And yet if I am being vulnerable it has been hard for me because I am facing SO much change and transition, and I don't know any of them well enough yet to really trust them and open my heart to them and tell them where I am at. It's hard, and it's challenging. There are many many many times where I am terrified that I am going to screw up, and its going to end traumatically like my time at Shelterwood, even though I have been reassured many many times that it won't. It's hard. It's messy. And sooooo many times over the past week especially I've just wanted to scream a million times "FORGET IT! I AM GOING HOME!" And yet, deep within my soul I know I cannot do that. I have a calling higher than what my feelings dictate, and I know that I have to keep going, as hard as it is.
Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my job thus far. I know 100% this is where I am supposed to be, and that has been reinforced to me over and over again by many people. It's just not going as perfectly and seamlessly and emotionlessly as I had planned it in my mind, and that is totally okay. I am transitioning, I am learning, and I am growing.
And so today, I humbly ask for your prayers as I transition into this new position. Please pray that God would continue to humble my heart and remind me that this is HIS work that I am doing, not my own. But at the same time, that He would continue to give me grace, and that I would give myself grace as I navigate this new season and so many changes each and every day. I am really excited for this new season, like really excited. My counselor has told me many many times that she sees some serious progress heading in my direction, and she is excited for me too. It's hard on days like today when I feel 100% unqualified, but I know deep in my heart that there is sooo much good that is going to pour out of this, and I honestly can't wait to see it.
Have you ever known that God is calling you to do something and Satan has tried to take you down every single stinking step of the way? That's been my life for the past two weeks. I keep hitting roadblock after roadblock trying to move to Ohio, and it is frustrating beyond any belief.
First, it took me two weeks to get in for a physical from my primary care so I could get medical clearance meaning I am going to be 30-45 min late to my first day of training. Second, I found out my housing is wayyy farther away than what I was planning on driving to work every day. Third, I've had a terrible time trying to find an affordable car. Fourth? I lost my license and insurance card, and couldn't find it until I had searched for appx. 3 hours.
Oh. my. word.
You're probably exhausted just reading this list! It has been straight CRAZY. And yet as I sat in my room in tears earlier I couldn't help but think in my mind "As hard as this is, I know this is where God wants me to be, and I know he isn't telling me not to go." I had prayed like 6 times. My mom had prayed, we had literally turned our house upside down trying to find this license, and we could not find it anywhere. I finally gave up and started registering for a new on on Secretary of State when I found it 15 min later. Praise Jesus.
I don't say all this to complain.... I say this to say exactly the opposite: Don't complain- trust and pray. I remembered something that Louie Gigilo had preached about in 2013 when I went to Passion- the Devil's one last stand. Louie talked about how the devil will do ANYTHING to try and derail us from following God's plan for us, right up until the last second but that is important that we stand strong in Christ, even if we come out afterwards basically half dead.
I firmly believe that the events that have taken place over the past few weeks are the Devil's "one last stand" trying to get me to chicken out of moving to Ohio. Well Devil, I got a few words for you-
BACK OFF! I BELONG TO JESUS!
I think of what Pastor Bill says almost every week at church- if you have a complete and utter meltdown and curse God over the oven dying, how are you gonna face actual persecution when the time comes?
Have you ever thought about that? How do you react when hard times come? For the first time EVER in my life I have been handling transition and change pretty well. I had a few weeks of complete and utter shut down, but very few panic attacks and very few tears. I've been coping and praying my butt off, but it's working and that is what is extremely important.
So here is my random thought of the day for you.... What is the devil using as his one last stand in your life? What is God challenging you to do but Satan keeps getting in the way? I challenge you to take some time and seriously pray about it. As soon as I found my license? I drove to Starbucks and had some intense prayer time. Don't let anything else get in the way. Get on your face and talk to Jesus. Don't let the Devil win this battle, especially because you know he already lost the war.
I've told myself a lot of things about this next season.
Like today? I told myself I wasn't going to cry when I finally said goodbye to my baby. And I held to that, until about 3:00, and then I lost it and cried off and on for the next hour and a half.
Some people say that nannying isn't even a 'real' job.... Well guess what? I think it is a very real job. My heart thinks it's a very real job and got very attached to a certain 11 month old who I've spent more time with over the past 8 months than I have my own family.
I've watched myself as I have anxiously waited and waited and waited and counted down the days till I was done since I applied for my new job back in June. I thought I was tired of nannying, I thought I was ready to be done, I thought I was ready to move on. And in the last moments of my work shift today, I started questioning that and feeling like my whole world was unraveling. I felt like maybe I am making a huge mistake by leaving, and starting over somewhere fresh and new.
And yet, I went through the exact same change of emotions when I went to Missouri.
Except, there was a difference when I went to Missouri. In the words of my counselor, I used Missouri to try and run away from everything I've known. I thought I could start fresh and leave everything and everyone behind me and never ever have to look back.
But thankfully, the people I tried to cut out for months while I was in Missouri took me back with open arms when I returned home unexpectedly. And I started a job. A job that I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to do, but I knew I needed to do something.
And soon enough, I loved this child. I loved this child as much as I love my Missouri girls. When I came home 11.5 months ago, I was not functional. I can't tell you what I even did the first week and a half I was back. Mostly laid in bed and watched movies. I barely ate, I barely slept. I talked to no one other than my therapist and one or two close friends. I was completely broken. But once I started nannying, suddenly I had purpose again. I had a child who needed me to comfort him, feed him, soothe him and love him. I may not have been able to feed myself, but I could feed Elliot. I may not have wanted to go for a walk, but Elliot needed it to help calm him down, so I did it.
And slowly but surely, this job played a part in walking me out of one of the darkest seasons I have ever known.
I remember sitting on their couch one morning and thinking "It's time. It's time to go back to the work God has called me to. The season of rest is over." and I just sat there, scared out of my living mind but knew it was time to take steps to move forward.
As frustrated as I was that it took all summer for me to get this position figured out, God knew I needed the time. He knew I needed to adjust, to grieve, to prepare, to learn to cope, and to let go. I wouldn't have been ready to start my new job a month ago like I planned on. I needed this time to truly prepare for the next season.
So now I sit here at my Starbucks where they greet me by my first name and know my order by heart, and I am trying to let myself just grieve. And hurt. And know that while as hard as it is to let this season go, a new season is coming. One of growth, renewal, hope, and laughter, and joy. It will be different, and it will be hard, and probably not at all what I expect. But it will be good, and I look forward to it. And this time? I am not running. I have prepared and prepped and prayed for this season like it's nobody's business. My counselor told me yesterday how proud she is of me because I am really trying hard to put myself in a good situation that will work well for me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
And to Elliot, thank you. Thank you for your smiles, giggles, hugs, slobbery kisses, laughter, tears, selfies, and everything inbetween. You've taught me more about unconditional love than I ever knew I needed to learn and I am going to miss you with all my heart.
Today is a very special day in my world... it's my best friend's birthday! I saw a quote earlier that said something along the lines of "I never knew how important you would be to me when I first met you." This couldn't apply more to our friendship... I look to where we've been, and where we are going, and all I can think is "Holy crap. This friendship is seriously one in a million." And so I just want to take a minute, and honor this friendship.
When I went to college, I quickly made friends. I had friends before I even moved into my dorm. I had a lot of fun with these friends, but something was missing. I began praying that God would send me a friend to challenge me, encourage me, and help me to grow and I could do the same for them. And then I waited. And waited. And waited.
I met Becky at some point during her freshman year, my sophomore year, I don't really remember when. (This isn't one of those from the first moment we met I knew we were going to be best friends moments..) We were acquaintances, and that was about it. Eventually I knew she loved dogs and Jesus, and that was about it. But towards the end of her freshman year, we started hanging out more and I thought "Hey. We like a lot of the same things. I bet we could be friends!" And from there, it feels like history.
But, like all friends, we hit storms. It was HARD. Seriously so hard. We have poured SO much time and effort into our friendship that many, many people thought we were crazy and told us to give up and that we shouldn't be friends anymore if our relationship took effort. And we went through some very rough seasons, but we always knew if we were supposed to be friends, God would keep us together. I found this quote during a rough patch, and it really changed my perspective on my relationship with Becky, but truly relationships as a whole.
And I realized, if I say that I love my friends, I need to actually love them. I need to love them when they are being great, and I need to love them when they are being so annoying I could scream. Love doesn't stop simply because things aren't going well. Love perseveres. I think of 1 Corin. 13- how often do we actually live that out? I know I don't very often, and yet as Christians that's what we are called to do- love each other. Our culture throws around the word 'love' so haphazardly. For a long time in my life "I love you" meant absolutely nothing. There was no feeling behind it, just words I knew I was supposed to say. So, when I first went to college I stopped telling people I loved them unless I was sure I meant it. Now? I tell people I love them all the time. The power of love is truly an incredible thing.
And to think- the most powerful love of all comes from Jesus. He loved us SO much, he can't bear the thought of eternity without us, and so he gave up his life and took our place conquering death. Wow. Seriously- I couldn't show love to 90% of the people in my life without Jesus. I spend a LOT of time praying over my relationships because they have high value to me, and I know they have high value to Jesus. I couldn't love Becky or any other of my friends without Jesus, and I am so incredibly thankful for that.
So here is my random thought of the day for you.... What relationships have been a blessing to you? Do you really love that other person like you say that you do? Or are you just infatuated with them? The same goes to your relationship with God- do you love Him? Or are you infatuated with him?
And to Becky.... Happy Birthday my sweet friend. You show me unconditional love and grace every day and reflect Jesus in all that you do. Thank you for loving me, challenging me, laughing with me, and most importantly loving the Hunger Games. You are one of the best friends I could ever ask for, and I am really really thankful for all that I have learned through us being friends.
I did something today. It may seem minor to some, but to me it signified the end of a very long season.... I updated the look of my blog. You may be thinking "Honestly Marissa? That is not that big of a deal.... really." But in reality? People tell me that my food touching isn't a big deal either. Well guess what? To me its a big deal!
I have had the same "theme" on my blog since my Junior year of high school when I started this blog. I loved the pastel colors, and the dandelions floating through the wind representing my random thoughts that I often write about. At that point, I didn't take my blog seriously at all. I didn't think anyone read it outside of my few friends who also had blogs. But when I started college, I started writing more seriously, wondering if people would actually get something out of my weird thoughts and connections in life and faith. And they did. I actually had a few people tell me I should consider creating a book/devotional out of some of my posts. I was shocked... I was like "What?! People are actually interested in what I have to say?!" And so I started writing more and more. And now, I view my blog as a more in depth look at my life for the people who care to read it, other than the stuff I post on Facebook.
And so, I was starting to write a post today and I looked at my blog and thought "It's time for something new. I'm not the same girl who started this blog years ago, and I want to reflect that." And so I did. It took time and effort, but I am really happy with the way it looks now. It reflects more of me as a person than it did before, and I am really proud of that.
As I started to write this post, I have had the changes in my life on my mind a LOT today. It's my last full week of nannying, and it is a little bit bitter sweet. I am terrified to begin this new season in so many ways, and yet it has been so so so clear to me that it is time to move forward. I first saw the quote I posted above when I came home from Shelterwood. And as much pain as I was in last October, I knew in my heart it would have been more painful to try and stay when I knew I no longer belonged there.
The same is true now. I go to church on Sunday, I sit at home, and these places are familiar, they are home and where I belong. But at the same time there is a part of my soul that is pushing me more and more everyday saying "You don't belong here for the next season. It will always be here to come back to, but for now it's time to go. Yes, it will hurt to leave, but it would be more painful to stay when you're supposed to go."
I think of Jonah when God told him to go to Ninevah, and he went to Tarsus instead and got thrown out of the boat. It would have been very hard for Jonah to go to Ninevah in the first place. But didn't it end up being harder for him when he tried to stay where he was at? He ended up having to deal with another very painful situation, and then the initial situation on top of that simply because he was too afraid to face the pain in the first place.
I've spent a LOT of my life being Jonah, being too afraid to do anything simply because I can't predict the outcome, or I know it may not go how I want it to so I'd rather just not go at all. It's not a fun way to live life honestly. I started to conquer that mindset when I went to Shelterwood over a year ago. But now that I have been home, that mindset of fear and dreading what is to come is threatening to take over my mind once again. But I have a choice.... I can either just accept this life of fear and let that control me, and stay where I am at, and never become who God has called me to be.
Or, I can take the higher road. I can call out the fear for what it is- lies from the devil. I can ask people to pray with me. I can find exciting things to look forward to about this new season. I can spend time daily with Jesus asking him to calm my anxiety. I can look at these changes and know that God is going to use them for incredible things.
So here is my random thought of the day for you- What changes is God asking you to make in your life? They may be minor- like changing the theme of your blog. Or they may be major like moving across the country to start working with a ministry that God has consistently laid on your heart. But can I challenge you today to start accepting that change, and claiming it for God's good, instead of focusing on the fear that it may destroy you? I hope you discover one small step you can take today, even if it is just a baby step.
Okay. I am not really a hoarder. But, I am in the midst of packing to move. It's hard. It's annoying. It's draining. It's emotional. It's something that quite frankly? I just don't want to do. I am packing and going through everything I own. I haven't moved like this since I was 7 years old. I'm finding notes I wrote in high school, and pouring over memories both good and bad. And it's just hard.
I have a LOT of stuff. Especially books. And it's extremely difficult for me to decide to get rid of items even if I haven't used them in the past 10 years. These items hold memories that I don't want to lose if I no longer have the item. It sounds silly when I write it out. I joke sometimes that I am like a hoarder (I'm not anywhere close to that in reality!) But, I get it when I watch the TV shows and they are clearing out their houses and their loved ones just can't understand why they won't get rid of certain items. I have gifts from people that have never been used, and I deeply struggle to give them away. Part of me is scared that person will show up at my house and ask where the candle they got me 10 years ago is, cuz they don't see it out in my living room. It's ridiculous, and yet it's me.
There also is a lot of emotions with packing. It's weird to finally be moving out of my parent's house for good. At least, that's the plan. So many memories of high school, elementary school, family vacations, and so much more with every item I go to decide to pack or get rid of. Mostly good memories, a few bad ones scattered here and there. And it takes it's toll on me pretty quickly. I packed one tub last night, and that was it. Progress, but it doesn't feel like enough progress when you're moving in appx. 2 weeks. I've wished that I was a minimalist both with physical items and emotionally over the past few weeks I feel like I just have too much "stuff".
I just want to get rid of it all, tell myself I don't need any of it, and move on. But in reality? I can't. There are physical items that I do need, like clothes. Or a bed. Or even books. I need those things to stay alive. And emotions? I need those too, unfortunately. As I think about this next season, I am spending a lot of time pondering what "baggage" I actually need to take with me to the next season physically and emotionally.
I've watched over the past few years as God has talked with me about the baggage I've carried from my past. Challenging me on a frequent basis to completely let a lot of it go, or even to simply let Him carry some of it. And over the past year, I've begun to let Him. It's taken a long time, and a lot of trust, but I've finally begun dealing with some of the not so fun stuff from my past and actually letting myself feel the appropriate emotions that went with those situations. There was a lot of fear that came out as anger frequently when I was a kid that I never dealt with, and yet I am starting to do that, very very slowly. I'm watching as chains are falling, and baggage is being removed as Jesus walks with me step by step by step. And it's incredible, yet terrifying.
By 24.5 years old, most people know their "identity". They know who they are, and what they like and don't like, and who they want to become as a person. Well. I am still figuring that out, and that literally drives me insane. I am not where I pictured myself to be at this point if my life, and a lot of time it confuses and frustrates me and I take it out on everyone around me. But, slowly I am learning the concept of grace for myself, and grace for those around me, and watching it unfold is truly a blessing. And so with that, I am trusting God to take whatever baggage I need to leave behind after this season, and to give me peace, help me understand, and to help me grow from it.
So here is my random thought of the day for you... What baggage are you still carrying around that you need to let go of? Maybe it's from your childhood. Maybe high school, college, or even just your adult life. Can I encourage you today to ask God to help you begin to let it go? It wont be easy, but it will be worth it. Jesus came so that we can have life to the fullest, and you can't have life to the fullest when you are stuck in the past. Can you take that baby step today, and ask him to give you the courage to begin to let these things go? You won't regret it.
Have you ever just felt like a dirty piece of coal? Like no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try to improve your mood, you're just cranky? And if anyone touches you, or if you fall, you might break into a million pieces? Or no matter how hard you try to keep your house clean there are dirty clothes and dirty dishes everywhere, much like leaving coal dust anywhere a piece of coal dust has sat?
This is how I have felt for a few weeks now. My depression and anxiety has been flaring up quite a bit, and I have had trouble managing it as well as I have been for the past few months. Luckily, today it feels like I might be starting to come out of it which is a huge blessing. But I've sat around for weeks feeling like nothing more than a lump of coal, going to work in the morning, and then coming home and going to bed and doing it over and over again.
I have sensed for a while now that this season I am in right now is coming to a close, but what is next is still pretty unsure. There are a few opportunities on the horizon, but nothing near set in stone. I knew from the beginning of this season that God was giving me a season of rest and preparation for whatever is to come next. And it's put a LOT of pressure on me. Very, very uncomfortable pressure. It's been building up my skin, and helping to see my true identity in Christ, instead of my identity that the world attempts to give me.
I've sat back and watched as this season has ripped me apart. God has broken me down to nothing over and over and over again over the past 9ish months. I listened to the song I am going to include below, and one of the lines says "I've surrendered to the power of being crushed by love." This season has been different for that matter- I am no longer being crushed by the world, or by Satan- I am being crushed, changed, molded and polished by the loving hands of God.
Yes, I have been depressed and I have been anxious. But I have been depressed and anxious because I am sick and tired of waiting on God and his timing. I want things decided NOW because it works best for me NOW. I have developed this whole new plan of how I think this new season is supposed to go, and I basically said "Okay God, got it all planned for you, now go do it for me, k thanks!"
Friends, that is NOT how God works. With this new "plan" I came up with yesterday (After I felt that God was not working quickly enough with the plan he presented to me a month ago which covers all my wants and needs adequately, just not abundantly) God really called me out on it this morning. I devised a plan where I would get another job I applied for yesterday, have no financial stains or struggles, be working where I want, have a nice car, live with a friend, and have everything work out I have planned for it, all for the 'glory' of God.
Ew. Does that make you as sick as it makes me? I feel like God sat me down this morning and gently said "Marissa, if you get this job, you will have built such glorious, beautiful walls of protection for yourself, you won't anyone in your life anymore, but you won't need me either. This isn't how I designed you. I designed you to need me, and that is okay."
I think of Jonah running away from Ninevah. God has shown me over and over again that He has a plan for this next season, and I just need to trust him. But do I listen? No. I say "Ohhh no God. That can't possibly be what you mean.... You wouldn't ask that of ME. You wouldn't ask me to take a job again where I can barely cover my finances. No. You must mean someone else. Not me. Don't worry, I'll show you what you actually meant. No worries!" ME. Little, sinful, human ME thinks that I know better than God. WHAT.
I sit here with excuse after excuse saying "Wellllll I've been through hard thingsssss. God owes meeee." or "I already served God once. Why should I have to do that again?" or "I am sure there is someone who would be a better fit for this job anyway. It doesn't HAVE to be me." Or "Can't I just get what I want oneeee timeee?!"
Who do I honestly think I am?
I look at myself and my sinful, self centered mind and it makes me want to vomit. This isn't how God works people, not at all. God is not a god of demands. He already conquered death, he defeated the grave. Because of Him, and his unbelievable suffering, I get the chance to LIVE instead of die. I get the chance to live anxiety and depression free. I get the chance to get to spend eternity with family members whos lives have been destroyed by drugs, alcohol, and mental illness and spend eternity with them in the way that God created them to be- perfect whole and free. And that in itself is a GIFT. God owes me NOTHING.
God gave me the incredible gift of life, and it is my honor and duty to spread that love and opportunity with others. And if God is showing me an avenue to do that more effectively who I am to tell the King that defeated death that He is wrong?!
So here is my random thought of the day for you.... I am sure you are under pressure. It probably is different pressure than I am under, but it's pressure. I want to challenge you to take your mind off the process today, and put it on the end result- put your focus on getting to be that diamond. Talk to God about the pressure. Yell at him, scream at him, it's okay. It hurts and he knows it. But, the outcome will be SO worth the process. I can promise you that!!!! I also want to challenge you to trust Him where he leads you. Even if it seems insane, or not worth the pain, trust him. Accept his plan and it will pay off in the end.
I was driving to Starbucks this morning, and "Trading My Sorrows!" was on the radio. I have not heard this song in FOREVER. My first thought? I screamed "AHHH! CAMP!" Something about this song brought me back to the 3 summers I spent at FaHoLo Kids/Junior High Camp. Seriously 3 of the best summers of my life.
I've had camp on my mind a LOT the past few weeks. It's currently Senior High Camp week at FaHoLo, and many kids from my church are currently at camp. I've wished I would have gone through high school. I've wished my siblings would have gone so I could experience the "rush" of drop off day even if I wasn't the one going. I've seriously wished MANY times that I could go to camp as an adult. Seriously, they need to have camp for people working in ministry. I'm not talking like a conference, I'm talking like CAMP. Bunk beds, mud fights, weird food and all.
I've missed all the lessons I learned through camp. I learned how to make new friends, try new things, and most of all, learned what it mean to actually be a Christian. My youth pastor talks a lot about how God does incredible things through camp, including calling people into ministry. I do believe that I was called into ministry my 2nd year of camp, but I did not understand to what extent at the time because I knew that God wasn't calling me to be a pastor, and I didn't feel like I was supposed to be a missionary either, so I kind of forgot about it until today when I heard that song.
I realized today that God did call me into ministry, just ministry that I didn't even know existed as a kid- ministry with severely broken teens. For most of my time at Shelterwood I was hesitant to call what I was doing "ministry" simply because I didn't have the title of Pastor or Missionary. But really? I was a missionary. I was spreading the gospel. Just not from a pulpit on Sunday mornings. I think of the passage in Matthew 25 that says
"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?"The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."
Matthew 25:35-40
Ministry isn't always as clear cut as it appears... Sometimes it is giving money to the homeless guy even though you are worried he will use it for drugs. Sometimes it's being nice to your family even when they are driving you crazy. Sometimes it's giving a co-worker grace when they've really been slacking off. Sometimes it's taking lunch to your local police officers and telling them you appreciate them.
I've really struggled the past few weeks with accepting the fact that I am in a season that is not exactly what I'd like it to be. I'd like to be doing hands on ministry with teens, but instead I am changing poopy diapers, and cleaning up baby throw up alllll day long. A few new opportunities have been on the horizon, but nothing is official yet. And to be honest? I am SO sick and tired of waiting.
And yet, I think of my young, camp age self who was called into ministry and didn't even fully recognize it. I had the faith of a child. I trusted that if this was actually from God, He would make it happen, and He did just that. I didn't stress about it. I didn't spend hours crying over what I should do to make God's plan happen. I simply said "If this is supposed to happen, make it happen, and that was that. WOW.
I think of the lyrics of the song I listened to earlier...
I'm pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure
And His joy's gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning
And I'm trading my sorrows
I'm trading my shame
And I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord, yeah Lord
And I'm trading my sickness
And I'm trading my pain
And I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord
For the joy of the Lord
I say, yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord
Yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord
Yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord, Amen
How powerful is that? I am now an adult, and spending so much time in this sinful world has brought on a ton of pain, shame, and sorrows into my life. And yet, all we have to do is say "Yes Lord!" And He will take away our sorrow, shame, worry and pain and replace it with HIS joy. He will give me patience, he will give me strength. All I have to do is say YES to his plan, and he will take care of all the details. How incredible is that?
I was talking to my best friend last night and telling her how overwhelmed I've been in this season, and sick and tired of trying to figure all of this out. And she reminded me that that is NOT in my job description at all- that is only HIS job. I never thought that it would take a simple reminder of camp to remind me that I am His Child, I am following His plan, and He will protect me and guide me no matter what!
I had a youtube playlist going while I wrote this from worship songs from my church and this song came up:
And my heart got stuck on the part where it talks about filling my life with greater joy as I delight myself in the Lord.
My feet are planted on this rock and I will not be shaken
My hope it comes from you alone, my Lord and my Salvation
Your praise is always on my lips, your Word is living in my heart
And I will praise you with a new song, my soul will be bless you Lord
You fill my life with greater joy, as I delight myself in you
And I will praise you with a new song, my soul will bless you Lord
When I am weak you make me strong,
When I'm poor, I know I'm rich for in the power of your name
All things are possible, all things are possible
And so now I sit here, in my favorite Washtenaw Ave Starbucks, and my heart is full. My fifth grade self has reminded me that "All Things are Possible!" I know that as frustrating as this season has been for me, God is filling my heart with greater joy each and every day that I will need to take with me to the next season whenever that may be- in a month or 5 years. So here is my random thought of the day for you.... What promises did God tell you as a kid that you've kind of forgotten about over the years? Take some time today and bask in those promises. Ask God to remind your heart what He's called you to do. It may mean quitting your well paying job and becoming a missionary. Or, it may mean taking time and talking to your kids tonight instead of watching TV. It may mean giving more at church on Sunday, or volunteering to take over the youth group. Whatever it may mean for you, I challenge you to rediscover your childlike faith, and dare to dream that God may be calling you to something more than this.
And a little shoutout to the people at FaHoLa, thanks for running an amazing ministry where I know my life was changed along with thousands upon thousands of others.
