When Love Sees You, He smiles

Good Friday. I hate to say this, but that has not been my focus today. I didn't go to church, I didn't sing any special songs, I didn't read my Bible. In a lot of ways it was just another day. But in all reality, this day changed the fate of the entire world. It was not just another day. Who am I to not take a step back and acknowledge the day that my Savior died for me?

I babysat for a one year old today. I really enjoyed it, but it was extremely frustrating at the same time. This little boy kept doing the same "bad" things over and over and over again. It didn't matter how many times I said no, or told him it would hurt him. As soon as I took him away he would run right back to it. After 4 hours of this, I literally was about to scream. As I sat on the edge of their fireplace in despair, I thought about this idea. I wondered "Does Jesus ever feel this way about us? He tries to tell us that something is bad for us and lead us away but we still go running back to whatever it is over and over again. Wow that must get tiring!" 

But here is the beautiful thing- Jesus doesn't have the human flaws that we do! (Thank goodness!) He will never tire from running after us when we go astray. He wants us to be by his side and he will do whatever it takes to make sure that happens, no matter what the cost. Even death. Death on a cross. There is no greater love than this! 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: We're not perfect. I say that a lot on this blog. We aren't now, and won't ever be. But Jesus still loves you. No matter how far you have run, no matter how many terrible things you have done He still loves you and always will! He died for you and he wants to be reunited with you in heaven. He will keep fighting for you every day of your life, and will continue to love you even if you reject him. So yeah. Maybe I wasn't a picture perfect example Christian today. Maybe I didn't spend as much time in remembrance as maybe I should have. But you know what? Jesus still loves me and would still have died on that cross for me and me alone. Flaws and all. Wow. That just blows my mind! 

What's Your Name?

Have you ever thought about your unspoken name? The name that is kind of like your second last name? For example- Hello, My name is blah blah, and I am a drug addict. We don't go around telling these things to people right when we first meet them. But we carry these names around as if they truly are our identity. It really is sad.

I saw this shirt at WinterJam and I bought it before even hearing the song to go along with it. It really made me think about how we give ourselves these labels, and we give these labels to others without even realizing it. Have you ever taken the time to realize what your words mean and what a huge impact they can have? Your few words could change someone's life- for good or for bad.

I am coming at you from both directions. I have had these labels stuck in my heart and mind by others over and over again, and they are very hard to remove. Especially if they have been there a while. But I know that I have also done this to others, and that is not okay either.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: What are your labels? What are the things that have become your identity that are not truly part of you? In order to peel them away you have to realize they are there and what they are. But here is the thing- Jesus can help you do both of those if you are willing. You are a child of the One True King and he will do anything to help you along this journey and find your way to Him. You don't have to live a life of labels anymore. Jesus came to set you free, all you gotta do is send out a shout and tell him you need Him.

Lord I'm Struggling, But I am Thankful

Let me be the first to say- I went into this spring break in a crappy mood. Very much so in a "Whyyy meeee" kind of mindset. Everything that has gone wrong in my life over the past few weeks seemed to be magnified in the last few days before break. I kind of got into a mindset of "I have nothing to be thankful for. There is nothing positive to focus on. My whining and complaining is justified."

Today my mindset changed a little bit. I observed for appx. 10 hours at Hurley Children's Hospital today in Flint, MI. Flint is not exactly the nicest town in Michigan, as you probably know. There is a lot of poverty, a lot of problems, and a lot of despair. I watched as these families came into the emergency room for simple things: sore throats, coughs, vaccines, etc. because they cannot afford normal health care. Almost nothing that Child Life saw today would have been brought in to a typical emergency room, but at Hurley they don't turn anyone away. It blew my mind to see all these dysfunctional families, and to watch their interactions with their children. I walked away at the end of the day thinking this: "My goodness. I know my life is chock full of problems right now, but I can at least be thankful for these minor things that I have; food, water, healthcare, the ability to walk, talk, etc." I may be struggling, but boy am I blessed.

An example of this? My gas money for this week. I have to make 4 trips to Hurley this week. That is a lot of gasoline for my car. My bank account is running close to empty. I know my parents can cover me, but that is a frustrating place to be when you want to provide for yourself and you are struggling to budget correctly and have enough funds. I got in the car Saturday morning and I prayed "God, please make my gasoline go farther this week, just like the oil for the widow. Make my oil go farther." I then kinda laughed a little and went on my way. So far since Saturday, I have driven 306 miles. My car usually only gets appx. 216 miles for one tank of gas. Boo yah! I still am not empty yet!! AND- I got a birthday check from my grandparents in the mail, I have a small check to deposit from work that I forgot about, and I got a call yesterday for a babysitting job for Friday. God provides peeps. You just gotta trust Him!

So here is my random thought of the day for you: I don't care how much you are struggling through life right now. There is always a reason to be thankful. Even if it is just one itty bitty thing, there is always something. So find that glimmer of hope and make that your focus for the day. God's got you covered, and he is going to provide for you in ways you can't even imagine, you just gotta trust him and be thankful even in the season of the desert.

I'm Worn.

This song has been like the story of my life since the moment I heard it appx. 7 months ago. I find it beautiful, realistic and relatable. It also describes my life perfectly right now.

"I’m Tired I’m worn, My heart is heavy. From the work it takes to keep on breathing. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve let my hope fail. My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world." The past few weeks have thrown more at me than most people should have to deal with in a matter of years instead of weeks. I had another blow thrown at me yesterday morning and I was just like "Seriously God?! This is getting ridiculous. Can't I catch a break just for a few hours even?!"

I have reached the point where I am mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I don't have the energy to keep on trying to move forward in any area of my life. I have reached a point where I have to say "God, I give up. It's all you. Do what you want, I'm too tired to fight anymore. I surrender."

This is my random thought of the day for you: It is okay to be worn. It is okay to be tired, exhausted and frustrated, even mad at God. It is okay. Let yourself just Be and get through the day. We have to remember that God tells us in 2 Corinthians 12 "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I am weak, but He is strong. 

God Your love is enough You will pull me through!

This will forever be my "Tool Time" song. Whenever I hear it, my heart goes back to that night almost 4 years ago when my life was forever changed.

And tonight, I sit here in bed a little bummed out and a little sad. This is the first Tool Time since I have come to Concordia that I have not gotten to be apart of at all. And in a lot of ways it breaks my heart, especially because I am not sure if I will be able to do the one in the fall; my last semester on campus. Wow.

I kind of got mad at God this afternoon thinking "God you always use Tool Time to do such major things in my life! Why would you punish me and not allow me to go?! Do you not want to teach me things this year or something?!" I got kinda whiny about it too. Complaining and simply aggravated that I don't get to be apart of this weekend.

But tonight- I was sitting in class (the reason why I cannot do TT). A Child Life class, my favorite class, almost in tears knowing that my friends were all jumping around with middle schoolers and here I was sitting taking a midterm. And we got our midterm and I didn't think I knew any of the answers at all. I panicked- literally. My prof. assigned each student 2 questions out of 18 to answer. I knew a little bit about each of my questions, but I didn't trust myself and I sat there panicking till the last 15 min when she said we could use our books to wrap up our final thoughts. I poured through the books and frantically wrote my final answers down, knowing that utter shame and embarrassment due to my obvious lack of knowledge would soon be coming when she made us read our answers out loud to the class. I truly thought that my future as a successful CLS rested on the next few moments. My impending doom and failure at my career was coming.

My turn came. My face glowing bright red I read my answers. My prof turned and looked at me and I thought "Here it comes." But you know what she said?

"Good job Marissa. If you take anything away from this class at all that answer needs to be it."

I sat there completely dumbfounded. I'm pretty sure my jaw had to be on the floor at this point. But, I simply smiled and said thank you and we moved on. And then, I heard a small whisper in my head "See, You CAN do this!" That wasn't a thought from me; that was from God. God showed me tonight that He has given me the skills to be a successful CLS, I just need to trust Him and trust myself and move one step forward towards my dreams.

So here is my random thought of the day for you; Don't put God into a box. I kind of put God into a Tool Time box. I thought He was only going to work in my life this weekend if I was at all the Tool Time stuff. But you know what? He worked in my heart through my midterm. A midterm? Really? Yes. Yes He did. So don't put Him in a box. God can work in your life in any way that He desires and it might just blow your mind and change your life.

It's Gonna Be Alright!!!

I never post twice in one day. Okay, that is a lie. I have done it once or twice but it is very rare. But today, God has worked a lot in my heart. In ways that I don't really understand, but I am learning from it so that is great right?!

Anyway. I was spending some time reading my Bible tonight after a somewhat rough afternoon. I had remembered that I loved a certain Psalm but I couldn't remember which one it was exactly. Then I remembered. Psalm 18. It's not a famous one, it's not like Psalm 23. But I read this today, and I thought it was one of the most beautiful, relatable Psalms I have read. So here it is: (bear with me it is long!)

"I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I have been saved from my enemies. The cords of death entangled me;the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. The earth trembled and quaked, and the foundations of the mountains shook; they trembled because he was angry. Smoke rose from his nostrils; consuming fire came from his mouth, burning coals blazed out of it. He parted the heavens and came down; dark clouds were under his feet. He mounted the cherubim and flew; he soared on the wings of the wind. He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—the dark rain clouds of the sky. Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced, with hailstones and bolts of lightning. The Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded.He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy with great bolts of lightning he routed them. The valleys of the sea were exposed and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, Lord, at the blast of breath from your nostrils. He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me. For I have kept the ways of the Lord; I am not guilty of turning from my God. All his laws are before me; I have not turned away from his decrees. I have been blameless before him and have kept myself from sin. The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness, according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.To the faithful you show yourself faithful, to the blameless you show yourself blameless, to the pure you show yourself pure,but to the devious you show yourself shrewd. You save the humble but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. With your help I can advance against a troop;with my God I can scale a wall. As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.For who is God besides the Lord?And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You make your saving help my shield, and your right hand sustains me; your help has made me great.You provide a broad path for my feet, so that my ankles do not give way. I pursued my enemies and overtook them; I did not turn back till they were destroyed. I crushed them so that they could not rise; they fell beneath my feet. You armed me with strength for battle; you humbled my adversaries before me. You made my enemies turn their backs in flight, and I destroyed my foes.They cried for help, but there was no one to save them—to the Lord, but he did not answer. I beat them as fine as windblown dust; I trampled them like mud in the streets.You have delivered me from the attacks of the people; you have made me the head of nations. People I did not know now serve me, foreigners cower before me; as soon as they hear of me, they obey me. They all lose heart; they come trembling from their strongholds. The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock! Exalted be God my Savior! He is the God who avenges me,who subdues nations under me,who saves me from my enemies.You exalted me above my foes; from a violent man you rescued me.Therefore I will praise you, Lord, among the nations I will sing the praises of your name."

I hope you are still reading at this point :) Isn't that a great Psalm?! I can just see God's fury and watch the scene as He comes down from Heaven to rescue us. Wow. It is beautiful to me. And then, I went to Offerings and heard the song below played. "God above all the world in motion. God above all my hopes and fears. I don't care what the world throws at me now-It's gonna be alright!! 'Cause I know my God saved the day, and I know His word never fails! And I know my God made a way for me-Salvation is here!!!!!!" 

So here is my second random thought of the day for you: God will save you, it may not be in your time, or in your ways, but His word NEVER fails, and it promises that He is going to take care of you so He will! Trust Him. I hope this encourages your heart as much as it did mine tonight. It doesn't matter what the world throws in your way, the world threw a lot in my way today and Satan tried to take me down. But you know what?! My God saved the day! He came down from heaven and died on the cross for me and defeated Satan! BOOM. Take that Devil. It's gonna be alright! 

Lord, I Need You More

As I described it to my friend Ashley this morning I am having a hard "heart" day. I'm in a place in my life where I am having a hard time enjoying the season God has placed me in right now. But, I know it has a purpose and one day I will look back and see how far I have come and how much I have grown and bring glory to God through it.

I have friends asking all the time- "What do you need?" Usually I can come up with an answer. Today I asked myself this question "What do you honestly need right now?" and at first I couldn't come up with an answer. I thought of typical things: Read Bible, pray, talk to a friend, etc. But nothing seemed to be it. I kind of pushed the thought to the side and went about my duties at work here in the Box Office. Then I was sitting here and this song came to mind. I haven't heard it in years, I can't tell you the last time I honestly sang it. But as soon as I thought of the song I had an answer to my question:

"Lord, I need you more. In whatever form that may be, I need more of you and less of me. Please meet me where I am Lord, because I need you." 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Take a moment and just admit to God that you need Him. Even if you don't want to give up control of something right now, admit that to Him. Just admit that you need Him and ask Him to meet you where you are at and to help you grow where you are. He will help you. 

I Will Find You in Whatever Place I am In!

I think this video describes my life perfectly for the past few weeks. In some ways, I feel like the lyrics were written from my prayers, Troubles chasing me again, breaking down my best defense. I'm looking, God, I'm looking for you. Weary just won't let me rest and fear is filling up my head. I'm longing, God I'm longing for you.

I skyped with my good friend Ashley last Monday and she said something to me along these lines after I told her things were not going the way they are supposed to be and I felt like I have been crying out to God for answers. She said "Marissa, they may not be going the way that you want them too, but I can promise you they are going the way God planned for them to. You will see. He's got a plan for all of this even if you can't see it right now. He is going to meet you right where you are at. You will see." 

And then Thursday I went to a Kari Jobe/ Chris Tomlin concert and this was the first full song I heard Kari sing. I had never heard the entire thing until Thursday night and it was like each word spoke to my soul and God met me right where I was at. It was beautiful.

So. Since then. I have found God in the smallest parts of where I am at. It has been pretty cool to watch. He never left me, even though it felt like He did at times. He has held me and never left my side. He has been whispering in my ear the entire time, I have just been screaming and whining so loudly I couldn't hear His voice. When you allow God to meet you where you are at, even if it is at the lowest point of your life it is truly the most calming, peaceful thing I have ever experienced. I don't have to be "okay" with God anymore. I can be as mad/sad/glad/hurt/ashamed/afraid as I want and He can take it! Thats pretty legit if you ask me!

I am free to feel, free to hurt, free to be happy, free to love, free to dance. Because wherever I am at God is there, and I think I realize that for the first time in my life. It's a pretty neat thing to experience.

So. Here is my random thought of the day for you: Let God meet you where you are at. Just sit still and listen for his voice. You will find Him and He will help you. I promise. He is gonna be by your side throughout all of this.