A Season of Unmet Expectations

I am sitting here at work today, and it is almost 70 degrees outside. I laughed as I looked at my Timehop this morning and it had snowed on this day one year ago. Everyone in the Michigan/Ohio has one expectation for this time of year: COLD. SNOW. EW. And yet? Here we are. It's warm, and it's gently, slowing fading from the warmth of summer into the cold of winter and it's taking a LOT longer than it normally does. Some people are horribly upset by this idea. However I hate winter, and so I am beyond thrilled that this is our current life situation. But in all reality? It is a season of unmet expectations. For the fall lovers, this has been a horribly disappointing fall because it is still 'warm'.  I sat and thought about this this morning, and realised that it is very similar to where I am at physically as well- this has been a season of unmet expectations.

I have talked many times before about how this new season has not gone how I have planned. We have not had girls for a while, and this past week has been CRAZY exhausting trying to make some decisions and work out some important details very very quickly. I sat there as I had a moment last night, beyond exhausted, and I thought "I feel like I did at Shelterwood." and I straight up panicked thinking "NO. This is NOT how this job is supposed to go! I am supposed to be fine! I need to up my self care! NO NO NO!" And after talking with a co-worker and talking through logistics I came to this conclusion- We had a long 48 hours. This is NOT consistently how I feel at work here- EVER. Yes, it's tiring, and stressful, but this is not how it is normally. Yes, this season looks different than I expected. My expectation for this season- an expectation that I would develop deep, meaningful relationships with my girls and find fulfillment in my job right away- has not been met. But, that does not mean it is a bad season and I need to run for the hills. It just means it is different. My expectations of how my first 3 months on this job were supposed to go haven't been met. And that is 100% okay.

I have walked through this new season feeling very alone. Granted, my co-workers are INCREDIBLE humans, and I love them all dearly. I feel like I have known them all my entire life, not just for a little over 2 months. But, I have longed for the "familiar". I have longed for friends from home to call when I am stressed, and to come visit me in my new apartment. I have had to come to terms with the fact that all my friendships are in a season of transition and change- and a few may be coming to a close. It's hard, it's uncomfortable, and it's yet another expectation that I had going into this season- an expectation that my support system from years past would stay consistent and get stronger- that has not come to pass. And that is 100% okay.

I've struggled, and questioned, and asked God consistently why He is asking me to walk this path right here, and right now when I feel so vulnerable and alone. I hate waking up each day and realizing that these expectations are not being met. It makes me want to scream "SCREW THIS!" at the world and just hide with my sweatpants and ice cream and binge watch netflix allllll day. But just as I am finding beauty and joy in the fact that the warmth has stuck around a little longer and the season is looking different than everyone expected- there is that beauty and warmth in how my season of change is looking different than I expected.

I have had a LOT of time to get to know my coworkers and really get to know their hearts and their passions. I have gotten to really focus on some counseling stuff that needed to be addressed. I have gotten to have some incredibly difficult conversations with my best friends that while painful have lead to a known sense of deeper trust and hope for the future that our relationship will be even stronger. I sit here, and I see so much beauty in the pain. I see hope in each falling leaf, and know that God is working in my heart in ways that I couldn't ask or imagine. My original expectations may not have been met, but the expectation that God is working? That expectation is being met consistently, 100% everyday.

So here is my random thought of the day for you- Are you sulking in unmet expectations? Or are you allowing yourself to sit in the expectation that God is always working, and looking for how He is working around you? That is my challenge for you this afternoon- stop looking for the world to meet your expectations. It's not going to. But, if you can take a step back, acknowledge that God is working, loves you, and wants the best for you and have THAT be your expectation? You are going to see blessings coming from raindrops that you never thought could even begin to be. So take a moment today, and take that time with God and let him meet His expectations for you beyond your wildest dreams.

Confessions of a Human Doing

If I am being honest, the past month has been extremely frustrating for me. As many of you know, I love working with kids. It's what fills me, drives me, gives me passion and fulfillment. And I took this new job excited for all the things I would be able to do for these girls who would be under my care. 

And then the last two weeks of September happened, and my 'plan' went to shreds. We haven't had girls since then. And we've sat around as staff talking and wondering "What the heck is going on?! Normally we have a waiting list of girls!" We have prayed, we have wondered, we have worked hard trying to do everything we can to pass time till we get girls again. 

And as we have gone through this process, I have realized something. I find a LOT of my identity in my work. I find a LOT of my worth in my work. And I have begun feeling like If I am not doing meaningful work, maybe I don't have as much meaning as I thought. Basically, my worth is only as good as the work that I perform. Now, before you all go berserk on me telling me my worth comes from Jesus, and that my worth is not performance based, let me answer you: I know. But as someone who has struggled with this idea her ENTIRE life, it is not a struggle that goes away without a severe, intense fight. And it loves to come back and visit at all the wrong times, just like your annoying relatives. 

And so I have sat these past few weeks at work with my inner world constantly churning 24/7, feeling completely unworthy of this job, my anxiety and depression spiking constantly, and just feeling like a hot mess more often than not. And as I sat in tears talking to my counselor a few days ago she gently told me that this time off is good, and giving me a chance to really adjust to life in Ohio. She told me that this time of 'nothing' may be good because it is really allowing me to address some strongholds and places of deep deep pain before I have to put most of my energy into caring for girls again. And as I thought through this, I remembered something my friend told me a few years ago: I am a human BEING not a human DOING. Sometimes you just gotta take a chill pill and just BE, and have that be okay. 

And so that is what this past month has looked like for me, learning how to simply be a real, authentic, human BEING. I am learning how to just be Marissa in every sense of the concept. How to be calm Marissa, anxious Marissa, happy Marissa, sad Marissa, excited Marissa, exhausted Marissa, energized Marissa, healthy Marissa, and simply just Marissa as a whole person. I've spent time laughing, crying, talking, coloring, and just learning who I am as a person. And as much as I have HATED it in some regards, I know this is what God needs from me right now. He needs me to learn who the real Marissa is, so that I can help the girls find their real, true selves that He has created them to be. 

I have people in my life who only seemingly want to talk when they want something from me. It's frustrating, draining, and hurtful at times. And yet, I know I do the exact same thing to others and it's something that I have tried for years to stop doing and something that I hope I have improved on. But if this move has showed me nothing else, it has shown me my worth as a human being, and that I don't have to simply stay in relationships with people, or in a job, or really anything because people 'tolerate' me. I have worth simply because of one thing and one thing alone: I am a Child of God. And that my friends, is all that matters. Not how often people text me. Not how often I feel like I am being used by people. Not how often I feel loved. No, simply the fact alone that I am a Child of God gives me all the worth I can and will ever need. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you still living your life like a human doing? Are you convinced that if you stopped doing things for the people you love they would stop loving/talking to you? Can I encourage you to let that go today? Or at least ask God to work in that, and to step in and to start healing your heart? I encourage you to take a deep breath, and take this weekend to just be. 

Be present in your day. Shut off your phone for a while. Get off FB. Call an old friend. Go for a walk. Go do some art. Listen to some music. Just take time for you, and let God show you the "you" he created you to be. Take a moment, breathe, and just be.