Wherever You Go

"Wrestling angels till dawn breaks through, there's a blessing in the wound and you're running you're running from it. When all your demons are at your door, it's a soldier they're looking and you're running you're running from it. But I'm coming for you, coming for you, wherever you go. I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you wherever you go." 

I've blogged a lot in the past month, which is kind of unusual for me. Generally, blogging helps me process ideas that are stuck in my head that I cannot get out, and yet I know they will help me once I recognize them, and I hope they help others as well. 

But I sit here today, and I feel stuck. My brain has felt like complete mud for the past two weeks since I've gotten home from Colorado. I'm not depressed, but then again I'm not happy either. I'm just complacent, which isn't good either. I know a lot of things in my life really need to change, and yet I feel completely powerless in order to change them. In reality? A lot of things are good. I've got my depression and anxiety 90% managed. I am working a good job making decent money that I enjoy. I go to a great church, and have good relationships with my friends. I'm working out, eating well, and generally taking a LOT better care of myself than I have EVER in my life previously. And yet, I'm not satisfied. Its not even that I am not physically/mentally/emotionally satisfied, in a lot of ways I think I am which is why I am so hesitant to change anything. In reality? My soul isn't satisfied. I know deep in my heart that God has called me to so much more than this mundane day to day life where I am simply existing. 

I've known since high school I was never going to have a typical 9-5 sort of job. My brain just won't work like that. I love working weird jobs, especially jobs that are relational and ministry related. In reality, Shelterwood was the perfect job for me if the actual work situation had been a bit different. I loved it. I made little to no money, I was stressed beyond belief and my physical body started failing but for the first time in my life I was ridiculously happy. I loved what I was doing even in the hard moments. I found a place where my soul, passions, likes, dislikes, ideas, and dreams were completely accepted. I found a place where I was 100% challenged everyday, and I wasn't allowed to be perfect. And my soul thrived. I came alive for the first time in my life, and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. And I think as I sit here at Starbucks today, my brain is terrified that I am never going to find another opportunity to thrive like I did at Shelterwood. I've thought about going back many, many, many times over the past few weeks, and yet I know in my heart that leaving where I am at is not the answer. Shelterwood is not the same place that it was when I started, and I am not the same person anymore. We don't fit each other anymore, and that is 100% okay and how it is supposed to be. 

I seriously considered moving to Denver after coming back from seeing Becky. I even found some jobs to apply to, and apartments we could rent together. My little from Shelterwood lives about an hour from Becky, and I would LOVE to be near to her again to continue mentoring her. And yet, every time I think about moving again, something in my soul tells me it's not the right time. And everytime I get frustrated because I want that to be the answer. 

You see, I love Michigan. I am 100% a Michigan girl at heart. I love the seasons, I love the lakes, I love my friends and family, and everything that Michigan has to offer. I love familiarity, and things that I recognize. I love not needing my gps every time I drive, and a million other things. But there is one thing that I hate about being in Michigan.... I have daily reminders of who I used to be, and the things I haven't fully conquered and overcome. And things that I have overcome that come back and bother me simply cuz they are right in my face again. It was easier to forget about a lot of that pain when I was 12 hours away. It was never in my face. Things that were similar were, but never the actual people, places, things, smells, and memories from the past. 

I was sitting in church thinking about all of this today, and asking God why I couldn't move again since I grew SO much when I went to Missouri. He gave me the same answer He's been giving me for weeks, and yet I chose to listen this time. He told me this "Marissa, it's time to let stuff from your past go. You've been holding on to this pain and regret for WAY too long. I brought you home to get you physically healed, and emotionally healed. If you leave, this stuff will no longer be in your face and you have no reason to let it go and let me heal and work in it."

Ouch. My counselor has brought up many times over the past few weeks that there's some stuff that she wants me to spend some time working through and try to let go of, and I have blatantly and openly refused. Almost throwing a temper tantrum honestly because I just don't want to deal with it. And yet, I hear God saying in the back of my mind "Marissa, it's time. Give in, let go." If I were to go to Denver, Missouri, or even Ohio (ew.) or anywhere else, I know I would be blatantly running from the work God is calling me to do in this season. It's work I need to do to unlock the next season and it's unbelievably frustrating. 

I think of my success as a runner, if you want to call me that. When I started this training program, I could barely do a mile and a half in 30 min. Now? It's been about 3 weeks and I am almost up to 2.5 miles. Thats awesome progress. And yet at the same time? It's frustrating. I want to be able to run 3 miles NOW. Nevermind the fact that in high school I couldn't even run a mile without stopping AT ALL. It's slow, it's painful, but it's still progress. 

I sit back and I think: I don't want to face this stuff. I don't want to admit that others have hurt me, and that I have hurt them as well. I've realized that I have been treating some people in my life terribly for the past few weeks simply out of my own bitterness and pain. When in reality? That is NOT how Christ calls me to act. I am supposed to treat everyone in love, even those who have hurt me. Someone HAS to choose to be the bigger person. Why shouldn't it be me? I think of Jonah, and how he ran when he was told to go to Ninevah. I always thought "Wow. What a coward. God told you to do this, and you blatantly said no and went the other way?! Why do you think God should still help you?!" And yet in a lot of ways right now I am Jonah, and I am faced with a choice. I can run headfirst in the other direction and ignore whats going on in my heart and hope it goes away, or I can man up and choose to face this head on and know that God has promised to guard and protect my heart and help me along the way. 

I listened to the song I posted above for the first time in a longggg time today. I felt like it was God's way of saying to me "Marissa, wherever you go, I am coming. It doesn't matter how far you try and run, I am coming. I am not going to stop loving you if you keep running, but I hope and pray you listen to this still small voice, and stop fighting my loving arms from helping you face this tough stuff. I wont let it take you down. I've got you." 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: What are you running from? What are you desperately trying to get away from? It doesn't matter how many miles you run on the tredmill, you can't run from whats going on in your heart. Thats what I've realized over the past few days. I want to challenge you to to take what you're running from head on. Don't let it overtake you. You've got Jesus on your side, and He is coming for you wherever you go. 

Nothing Is Wasted, Not Even Your Pain

While the month of May is almost over, I just became aware that it is Mental Health Awareness month. As most of you know, this is a cause that is near and dear to my heart. I wanted to take a little bit of time and talk about the recovery process from mental health issues, and some tips for those living and working with people who struggle with mental illnesses. 

Throughout my life I have struggled with a variety of mental illnesses- depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, self harm, and probably others. I also struggled with the various physical symptoms that came with these- extreme fatigue, racing heart, shortness of breath, no interest in doing anything that I used to enjoy, random muscle pain, frequent panic attacks, stomach issues, inability to sleep, the list goes on and on. For years and years I struggled with really no relief. I have been in constant therapy since I was a senior in high school, desperate for any relief that I could find. 

Finally, I have found some relief within the last year. It's been a reallllyyyy long process, and a process that will be forever ongoing. But, it's gotten SO much easier. To my friends and family who are currently struggling with mental health issues, I challenge you to be open to other treatment methods than the typical Xanax. About 6 months ago,  I was doing research and discovered that at least 68% of Americans do not get their needed daily dose of Magnesium. Magnesium is responsible for running over 300 parts of your body and is critical for survival. If you have a severe deficiency, it can cause severe anxiety and depression, muscle pain, inability to sleep and a host of other issues. I started taking a supplement, and within 2 days I was a COMPLETELY different person. 90% of my anxiety? Gone. Muscle pain? Gone. Other weird symptoms? Gone. Of course, being the skeptic that I am, I decided to stop taking it after a few weeks to see if it was working.... I ended up in my therapists office balling my eyes out telling her I took a nose dive and couldn't figure out why I was doing so poorly. I mentioned I stopped taking the Magnesium, and she says to me "Marissa, you found something that made you better, you stop taking it, and now you're wondering why you're not okay?!" Newsflash: If you think something is working, it probably is. I've also started taking Inositol supplements, which have greatly helped my anxiety at night and inability to sleep. That being said, natural supplements are NOT the cure for everyone. I am not telling you to stop taking your meds, and to try this. However, I greatly, greatly encourage you to talk to your doctor about trying these supplements if you've wanted to get off your regular meds. I also encourage anyone who knows someone who struggles with these things to suggest they try magnesium to help with their mental health issues. The relief I have found in the past few months is seriously unbelievable after searching for YEARS for answers. 

For my friends who live and work with people struggling with mental illnesses, and you don't yourself here are some tips and tricks: 

• If you have a friend who struggles with social anxiety, invite them to go places with you and then DO NOT abandon them. Stay with them, and check in with them every few minutes to make sure they are doing okay. If they ask if they can leave, be open to that. Sometimes just going to a store causes sensory overload for me so the idea of going somewhere where I will have sensory overload plus having to socialize can be VERY overwhelming. 
• If you have a friend struggling with depression, be gentle. Don't ask how you can help, they probably won't know what to tell you. Tell them you are coming over to cook them dinner and to watch a movie with them. Come get them and take them on a walk with you. Don't judge them if they haven't showered or if their house is a trainwreck. 
• If you have a friend who appears to be suicidal or tells you they are suicidal, don't freak out. If you're on the phone with them, try to go to where they are at or contact someone who is nearby them (a parent, spouse, another friend, etc.) If they have a therapist, have them call their therapist. If you think they may go through with something to hurt themselves, call 911 or take them to the emergency room. They might be mad at you, but they will get over it when they realize you've saved their life. 
• If you have a friend who is having a panic attack, do not tell them to take a deep breath. 90% of the time, people who are having a panic attack feel like they are choking and can't breathe. Ask them questions to keep them grounded (What color is your shirt? Where are you? What color are your shoes? How old are you?) Don't ask them what they need, they probably won't be able to tell you. If they are hyperventilating, get them some ice cubes (or anything cold) and put it in their hands. Tell them whats happening with their body- muscles are relaxing, eyes are less dilated, breathing has slowed, etc. 

To all my friends and family struggling, don't give up hope. Yes, mental health issues SUCK. Terribly. But, there is hope. Keep pushing forward, keep reaching out for help. Don't be afraid to tell people what you need. Don't be ashamed of the process or the fact that you have to go to therapy. Be honest. Tell your employer if you are prone to panic attacks. It will be okay, I promise!! Another HUGE thing for me has been getting physically healthy- eating (mostly) unprocessed, healthy foods, working out multiple days per week and just taking care of myself. I've realized that in order to do well mentally, I need to do well physically. This came up on my running app yesterday, and it made my heart really happy: 

Remember, slow progress is still progress. Even if it is slow like a herd of turtles moving through quick sand, it is still progress. So keep pushing forward, keep working hard. I promise you, it will pay off!! We often think that our recovery will look like the left side of this picture below, but it truly is reality that it will look like the right side. Don't be ashamed of that. Color outside the lines. Be YOU, because you are the only one who can actually BE YOU. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: If you have or know someone who is deeply struggling in the mental health world, don't give up hope. Keep praying, keep trusting, keep asking questions, and keep moving forward no matter what. If you EVER need someone to talk to, please contact me. I've been there, I've walked through that and I know how much it means to have someone who can semi understand how you're feeling. This journey has been hell, I wont deny that. But through this, I have found my passion. I cannot, cannot wait to start my masters degree and finally get to be a licensed counselor and work with kids and families. Looking back, there were many many times that I wish I could change things that have happened to me. Sometimes I still wish I could change them. I hate having to take meds just to feel "normal" But actually getting to be normal, is SO WORTH IT. So please, don't give up. God will get you through this, and he will show you the purpose in your pain. Not one part of this will be wasted. 

Say YES to the Plan!

Call me sappy if you will, but I watched TLC's "Say YES to the Prom!" today, and I cried through most of it. I watched as these girls who have come through horrific circumstances, crying pure tears of joy as they simply get to pick out a dress and shoes and fulfill a social norm that they never thought they'd get to have. I have never really had to worry about finances much throughout my life. Money has always been tight, but either my parents or I have always made a way for me to be able to do things if I had my heart set on it. I never had to worry about if I could afford a dress for homecoming, or if I'd have enough money to buy the ticket. Granted, my private school homecoming's were a little bit less extravagant than prom, but the same ideas apply.

I cried as I watched Monte (I love watching him on Say Yes to the Dress!!) helping these girls fulfill their dreams- laughing with them, crying with them, taking pictures with them and just encouraging them to enjoy every moment of this day, as it was all for them. And I had a simple thought, I thought- "That's what I want to do with my life. I want to be able to work with kids who everyone else has forgotten about, and make them feel like a million bucks." I want to counsel the girls who are struggling to get through what are supposed to be the "best" years of their life. I want to create moments and memories for struggling families who can't create those moments on their own. I want to shower love on people that most of the world overlooks.

You wouldn't know these girls are homeless, have lost parents, or have almost died and lost everything they owned. No, they are straight A students working their butts off to be more than their circumstances. They don't want to be defined by their families mental illness's. They don't want to be defined by the fact that when they came to the US they couldn't speak English and failed all their classes. They want to be defined by WHO they are, not what they can do. And that is simply beautiful to me. I love that, and I wish we gave more support to middle school and high schoolers. They need it. They need mentors. They need people showering them in love, compassion and grace. They need someone to step up in their lives and say "I refuse to stand by and watch you fall through the cracks!"

These girls also found out that they were being given a laptop, and their first two years of college paid for. They were hysterical in tears. I want to say these things should be a common right, but at the same time I believe you should have to do some work in order to move up in the world. But, when life throws trial after trial after trial at you, I see no shame in asking for help and I think we need to provide more resources for teens trying to improve their lives before they become adults.

I've talked many times about how I am frustrated about where I am at right now. I am frustrated that I am nannying, I am frustrated that I am still living at home. I am frustrated that nothing feels like it is going how it supposed to. But when I take a step back, every day God is showing me more and more and more the plan He has for my life and he keeps reassuring me that this trial will in fact work in the plan, and He will use it for my good. I just have to be patient and trust that He knows what He is doing.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you willing to say yes to the plan that God has for you? Are you willing to put in the hard work and keep pushing forward no matter what the obstacle? I am. Because I know in the end that the plan my savior has for me far outweighs anything that I could possibly dream of or imagine for myself.

We're Gonna Love You Through It

Many of you have probably heard this song, and while it is technically about women fighting cancer it really hit home with me today. I was sitting here at Starbucks praying intensely for a friend of mine who is going through some rough stuff and I wrote "God, I feel completely helpless. I can't do anything else, and I can't fix this for her. What else can I do?!" and I felt like God whispered this simple phrase to me;

"You're gonna love her through it." 

My mind stopped for a second and I simply thought "WHAT?! What the heck does that even mean?!"I sat back in my chair and thought back on my life as a whole. I spent a good chunk of my life questioning what "love" felt like. I knew that I was loved by my family and friends deeply, but I never had the emotional connection until midway through college. I know how it feels to feel like you aren't loved and no one cares if you exist, even if that isn't actually reality which it wasn't for me, but in my heart that's how I felt for many. many years. And yet through those years of intense struggles, God has given me an incredible gift to love very, very deeply and to understand parts of people's souls that a lot of time they don't even understand themselves. It's a gift and a curse all at the same time. 

I thought of my girls at Shelterwood, and it all made sense. I can't count the number of times I spent hours in tears late at night covering my girls in prayer, begging God to take away some of their pain and to give to me instead. Watching them struggle and fight and knowing I was powerless in their struggles was heart wrenching. But I could do one thing: I could love them through it. Most of my girls wanted nothing to do with Christ. And yet, I could show them HIS love, HIS grace, and HIS compassion and walk with them through their trials. 

I cried as I read an email from my little this morning simply because I love her, and I have loved doing life with her SO much. Seeing the changes that she has made in her life over the past year have been mindblowing. Watching her go from a sad, broken girl to a ridiculously funny, passionate, loving, compassionate, and caring teen just makes my heart burst with unbelievable joy. But, it wasn't easy. There were many, many nights of tears, anger, misunderstandings, drama, and objects flying across the room. There were many "I hate you's!" and many nights of silence as she sat and cried, and I sat and prayed. And yet one thing never, ever changed: I never stopped loving her through it. For every bad moment, there were 10 good ones. For every I hate you, there were 4 hugs and I love you's. For every moment of silence, there were 4 moments when she told me she trusted me and loved me. 

This love that I talk about though, it's not my love. I could never ever ever ever do this on my own. I tried doing that my first few weeks at Shelterwood. My love alone was conditional. I needed HIS love to be able to unconditionally love my girls. And what is incredible, is the fact that this love has made it possible to find love for people in my life who have deeply hurt me. Forgiveness seems like a possibility, when before I would never consider it. I listen to this song, and I picture it being sung to me by Jesus. 

"She said, "I don't think I can do this anymore"

He took her in his arms and said "That's what my love is for"

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong

When you let go, I’ll hold on

When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes

When you feel lost and scared to death,

Like you can’t take one more step

Just take my hand, together we can do it

I’m gonna love you through it.

And when this road gets too long

I'll be the rock you lean on

Just take my hand, together we can do it

I’m gonna love you through it.

I’m gonna love you through it."

I think back on the many mentors who have incredibly blessed my life- Mrs. Johnson, Mrs. Russell, Mrs. Grimes, Gina, Ashley, Kari, Amy, and many others: Thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me and loving me though the roughest patches of my life. Every single moment you pointed me back to Jesus and I would get SO angry and yell at you in tears because I didn't understand. And now, I can finally say that I get it. I get it and I understand Jesus and LOVE Jesus simply because you didn't give up, and you listened to God when He called you to a purpose higher than what you might have understood at the time. 

There are many people in my life right now who don't have a relationship with Jesus that when they hear this song, they can't picture him singing it to them. And thats okay because for the first time in my life I see true purpose in my pain- to love people through their pain and hope and pray they catch a glimpse of Jesus through it just like I did through all these years. My love will do nothing for them, but His love will change their lives and I hope that I can pass it on to them. I've prayed for years that God would give me clarity, to help me see some of the pieces come together, and he has. I could cry tears of joy because God has redeemed my life from the pit, and I just want to shout it from the mountain tops. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Who in your life is struggling? Who could use some love, encouragement, or a smile? I'm not talking about fixing it, but being a consistent support who they know is taking them to the feet of Jesus on a daily basis when they can't take themselves? Take time today. Call someone. Send them a card. Send them a surprise package. But make sure they know and you tell them "I know your life is beyond hard right now and you feel stuck, and trapped and out of hope. But Jesus and I aren't going anywhere, and we are gonna love you though this, no matter how long it takes."