The Nature of Growth Is That It Comes With Weeds

I had a panic attack today. 

There. I said it. It's out in the open. I used to have panic attacks all the time, realistically anytime I had to face a social situation, or talk to someone who I was fighting with or afraid of, someone I didn't know or adults in general. But in reality, I wasn't aware that they were panic attacks and I didn't realize I had control over them until I got into college and started real therapy. And slowly I went from having a few panic attacks a month, down to having only 1-2 a year. I was thrilled to finally have control over my anxiety, and excited to be almost panic attack free. 

It was like my garden of life was filled with tons and tons of weeds (mental health issues) and after a lot of work, I got it all cleaned up. My life was good. My garden was pretty. A weed would pop up here and there, but I would pull it out quickly and then move on. But then, the more work I started doing in counseling, the more weeds started popping up. Not only panic attacks, but nightmares, seasons of depression, and other mental health issues began to plague my life and my garden was overwhelmed with weeds to the point where I contemplated no longer trying to get rid of the weeds and giving up on the garden. But by the grace of God once again, I got my garden cleaned up and I thought everything was "perfect". Or so it seemed. 

Then I came to Shelterwood. And it was like every single thing I have ever struggled with has come bubbling to the surface Every. Single. Day. And I have started flipping out. Every time depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, self harm, or anything else I have ever struggled with has started rearing it's ugly head I have FREAKED out. I am reading a book right now and I read this part tonight and it really spoke to my heart. It said:

"A sin or struggle pops up in our lives and we're horrified. "OH NO!" we declare. "Now everything God has done in my life is ruined!" But God is only interested in pulling the weed. It's not a surprise to Him. It doesn't change the growth we've seen. God knew all along the weed was there. Now it's simply time to deal with it. He chose you know that that seed would one day sprout and come to the surface. And in his infinite love, he picked the perfect time to bring it to your attention so He can remove it." 

I read this, and my heart became at peace for the first time all day. My mind stopped racing, and my heart stopped pounding as I sat there and thought "God knew. God knew my panic attacks would come back up. And thats okay. He brought it up at the right time, and He can remove them." It doesn't change how far I've come, and it doesn't change where I am going. Because in reality? Thats the nature of growth. It comes with weeds. You can't have the beauty of flowers without weeds. 

When I have a panic attack I usually am ashamed and embarrassed that I couldn't 'control' myself enough to make sure it didn't happen. But in reality? God is still in control even when I feel like I am not. God is in control even when I am truly not in control. This week I've been SO overwhelmed with so many changes-new things to learn, new bigs coming, personal emotional stuff coming up, and the girls being crazy. I told a friend today "I feel like I have absolutely zero control over my life right now physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually and I feel like I am spiraling out of control, and quite frankly it is scaring me." 

A gardner would never decide not to plant flowers simply because of the weeds that would come too. The gardner never looks at the weeds and thinks "I should have never planted these flowers! Stupid weeds!" No, all he sees is the beauty of the flowers. He simply walks over, plucks the weeds, and then looks at the beauty of the flowers. 

God does the same with me. He sees my panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and hosts of other problems and thinks "Silly weeds. You are taking away from the beauty of the flowers!" and pulls them out. He doesn't seem them as awful, horrible things that must stay forever. No, they are present but they don't HAVE to stay forever. 

And so I sit here on my nightwatch, challenged by this idea of God as a gardner, pruining the flowers in my garden of life. Not in a way that is cutting up everything in sight with a chainsaw, but pulling out the weeds down to the root. It might take some pulling and shaking, but it's going to be whats best for me in the long run. I know I am starting to ramble, (give me a break, its almost 3 am!) but I hope this encourages you as it has encouraged me. It's time to stop expecting our gardens to no longer have weeds and be perfect. We live in a sinful world, and we are going to mess up. Are we going to continue waisting our time sitting in the garden crying about the weeds? Or are we going to let the gardner do his job, remove the weeds, and sit back and enjoy the flowers?

I am on a journey to give up my perfectionism and learn that I am loved without having to earn it. It's been a long journey, and I know God has already brought me so far. I cannot wait to see where he takes me next as I find my identity in Him, and I find what his true identity is. 

Sometimes Warriors Wear Heels

Sometimes, I cannot believe I have been at Shelterwood for only two months! The time seriously FLYS by, I feel like before I know it my year will be up and I will be at home! Things have definitely been stressful at Shelterwood to say the least. God is really stretching me and growing me in ways that I NEVER thought could be possible. I've cried more, screamed more, and yelled more in the past two months than I think I ever have in my life!! (okay. thats debateable, but pretty gosh darn close!)

I went into this weekend mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I just kept thinking "Just get to Saturday Marissa. Just get to Saturday and everything will be okay. You will be at home, and everything will be fine." My week slowly got more and more stressful, and I got more and more overwhelmed. I kept getting super frustrated with my girls and was taking out my anger and frustration on them more often than I think I probably should have been. I just got so so so tired of trying to do this job in my own strength and it took me coming home to realize one simple thing:

I Can't. 

I realized that as much as my girls drive me CRAZY sometimes, I still love them. I love them through the cuts and bruises (both intentional and not). I love them through the screaming, swearing, throwing things, restraints, and tears. I love them through episodes of depression, and anxiety. I love them when they are frightened and hurting. I just love them. And nothing they can do will ever change that. And I realized, thats how Jesus feels about us. He simply loves us no matter how big of a mess we make. And He is there to clean up our messes. I cannot, cannot love these girls unconditionally through my own strength as much as I have been trying to for the past two months. I have tried and tried, and fought and fought to "fix" them all on my own and I can't. And it took coming home and seeing people I love and going to my church for me to recognize that it is NOT all about me- it is all about Him. And He brought me here to do His work- not for me to come here and have it be all about me and my healing. Which in turn is happening, but I am realizing it is NOT always about me. And my needs cannot always come first anymore, and that is okay. But I've also realized that sometimes it HAS to be about me, or else I wouldn't be able to do my job either. It's a really crazy delicate balance. 

And so I have come back to Missouri with a changed perspective- one that is about Him, and letting Him guide me instead of me trying to do it my way. I've given up on doing this job on my own- its impossible. And I think I am slowly becoming okay with that. I got back and discovered that this weekend was a literal version of hell for my coworkers. While I was at home having a blast, they were literally waging war, battling to keep these girls safe no matter what the cost. As I heard about everything that happened as a coworker caught me up, I was in awe. I was in awe of the strength of my coworkers and the love and compassion that they showed not only to the littles, but to each other. It amazes me. It inspires me. And it only encourages me to completely change how I've operated since I have been here. 

At my church on Sunday, we had a missionary guest speaker. She talked about how her daughter had horrendous behavior and got kicked out of three christian colleges. But by the grace and power of God alone, her daughter completely turned her life around. She turned in stuff she had stolen, she gave up cigarettes, and a lot of other things out of nowhere. And all the missionary kept saying was "This was ALL God. There was nothing I could have done or said that would have gotten through to her. All we could was keep loving her throughout her pain." And it hit me in that moment. It is NOT my job to heal my girls. It is not my job to protect them from everything that is going to hurt them. But it is my job to show them unconditional love no matter what the cost. It is NOT my job to fix them. 

I realized- we are fighting a spiritual, and sometimes spiritual battle every single day here at Shelterwood. Every day. And yet 90% of the time? I go into battle without my armor. I've had this entitled mindset of "God brought me here, he will show me what I need and I wont get hurt. I don't need that silly 'armor' stuff. I will be fine." HA. Funny jokes! I realized this weekend that I am NEVER going to make it through this year if I don't start wearing the right armor! I saw this picture a few weeks ago, and I thought it was SO perfect for the Shelterwood girls staff:

Sometimes, we don't look like warriors here at Shelterwood. Sometimes, we are all dressed up and pretty wearing heels, going to shelties, and reinforcing to our girls that they are beautiful no matter what. Sometimes we are wearing heels chasing residents around the loop, or ripping them off and running through the woods. Sometimes, we are in pajamas on night watch calming down a resident having a panic attack or throwing up. Sometimes, we are filthy and scratched up and bleeding from chasing someone through the woods. Sometimes we have no voice from yelling trying to find someone. Sometimes we are sitting on the floor in a puddle of tears because we just don't know what to do or say anymore. Sometimes, a lot of times, we don't look like warriors. And we definitely dont feel like warriors. But we are. And that's exactly what God has called us to be- High heel wearing, God loving and fearing warrior women. And thats what I want to be. I want to be a warrior for Christ, fighting for these girls against the devil when they are too weak to fight themselves. We can fight through prayer, and scripture, and encouragement, and love. And it's not an easy battle, but God will not let us down and I am certain of that. This song has been the theme song of my life for the past few weeks, describing perfectly where I am at in life right now:

I feel like this post is all over the place, but I hope it gives you an idea of where I am at in life and what God is teaching me. Continue praying for me, and my girls, and all of the staff. We all need it!

Spring Has Arrived!

View from our porch swing this morning

I can't believe in only another short week I will have been living in Missouri for two whole months! CRAZY! It's been such a rollercoaster of emotions over these past 2 months. I think I can safely I have never been so frustrated, angry, hurting, but so unbelievably happy in my entire life. It is astounding to me how this place somehow brings out your deepest darkest secrets, frustrations and pain and boils them to the surface. A lot of the time I end my work shifts angry and upset, but still amazed at how God is working in these girls lives and in my own that I cannot stay angry for long. I am currently sitting outside on our front porch swing enjoying this GORGEOUS spring day before my evening and overnight shift tonight and I am just in awe of the glory of God. It's finally spring- the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and there is new growth and life everywhere I look. I feel like that is where I am in life too. I am finally past the extremely stormy season- I no longer struggle 24/7 with depression and anxiety and have finally come to a place where I am starting to love myself for who God created me to be and to love my life exactly the way it is even though it is by no means perfect. And yet, there is still rain. In fact, it is supposed to rain later today. I am never going to fully escape the storms of life, and I think that is a lesson I still need to learn and grieve. I am still going to have days where anxiety and depression flair up- we live in a sinful world. But I can get to a place where those flair ups don't happen every day and I think I've finally gotten there and I praise God for that. It's a lesson that I talk to my girls about every single day. They are always asking me things like "Do you really believe I will get to a point where I won't be tempted to self harm everyday?" Or kill myself? Or have a panic attack? Or drink? Or whatever their personal issue may be. And at first, I was thinking "I honestly don't know. I've seen my struggles come back up since I've been here so I am hesitant to tell them that God is going to heal them and they wont struggle with this anymore." But what is reality? In reality, their past will always be part of them just like my past is part of me. And Satan LOVES to use our past failures, mistakes, and things done against us to bring us down. But the beauty to me that is through Christ we have the opportunity to be free from these things that chain us down not only here on earth but forever once we reach eternity with him. And that just brings me such great hope. I honestly cannot imagine working with people with the kinds of issues these kids face everyday without the hope of Jesus and healing through him. I cannot imagine not being able to pray for my girls and tell them the truth of Christ.

Sitting out here today, and typing out this update on my life for you all has really refreshed my spirit and my hope. Seeing the leaves on the trees and hearing the birds chirp and sing reminds me that good will come of this. Beauty will come from this rain. And while there will still be moments where the storm will rage and then pain will be fierce, and the lightning terrifying, there will be peace. There will be sun after the rain. And I will not give up on these girls no matter how hard it is sometimes and I will not give up on myself.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: I encourage you to do the same today. Take some time and soak in the beauty of God outside. Enjoy the springtime and new life. Sit out on your porch if even for just a minute and let the breath of fresh air wash over your soul and remind you that He is still here. He is still in control. And you will reach the season of springtime no matter how long the winter may seem. I was in the season of winter for at least 5 years if not longer. He will bring life, and the season of constant storms will end.

Please continue praying for our girls and for myself and staff. The devil is really raging war and wants to see these girls fail but I am confident that God has each of them in his hands and will not give up on them.