A Season of Restoration

I've tried to write this update three separate times now. God has laid SO many things on my heart to share, and yet I know it will be seemingly impossible to fit them all into one blog post! My heart is full. Full of chaos, happiness, sadness, anger, grief, and probably 100 more emotions. To all the texts, phone calls, and emails I have ignored over the past month, I sincerely apologize!! You are not being ignored, I have simply been WAY too busy for my own good. Tonight is the first time I have had time to sit down and process in almost 2-3 weeks, and that in itself is a bit overwhelming in itself beside the fact that work has been a bit intense and crazy over the past week.

I am overwhelmed by the fact that it is SO incredibly clear that this is where God wants me. I think I knew that God wanted me at Shelterwood as well, but I let the fear overwhelm the goodness at that point in my life and it was hard to simply see how God was working and I was SO terrified of what I had gotten myself into I couldn't focus on anything else. This time around? Completely different. Mind you, I am still afraid. Terrified might even be a good word. And yet, my mind has been blown since I started working at The Daughter Project just a short 4 weeks ago. I have been scared out of my mind, but I have been coping extremely well. This past week has been INSANE with things going on at work, and yet I have stayed level headed. Triggered beyond all belief multiple times- no panic attacks. Memories of Shelterwood flooding my mind 24/7- no panic, and really only a few tears. I've just simply been shocked, quite frankly. God has given me strength that I did not know I possessed until a few weeks ago.

I prayed SO many specific things for the season after I quit nannying. Quite frankly I prayed "God, you need to be EXTREMELY clear that this is where I am supposed to go next. X.Y. and Z all need to be realities for me to actually know completely that I am supposed to go." And then, (freakishly) all the pieces fell into place slowly one by one. I completely lost my mind quite frankly. I was terrified because in all reality? I wasn't sure I wanted to go. I was quite content being comfortable. I was content making the money I was making. I was content not having to do real work in counseling. I was content not having to use much of my education. I was content, but I was not fulfilled or happy.

And here we are. I am in a place that fits EXACTLY what I need spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. And each day it gets a little easier.  I joked with my co-workers yesterday saying "I feel weird telling people I LOVE my job when sometimes my job involves insane things like chasing after teenagers who are running away from our facility, or going to court, or being yelled at alllllll day, and being called awful names. My job is hard, but I come out every single day LOVING what I do."

That being said, my co-workers. Good gracious. If any of you are reading this- YOU ARE AMAZING! I have never, ever ever felt SO loved, appreciated, valued, and cherished as these people have made me feel. They are seriously the most incredible people I have ever gotten to know. It has amazed me how God has challenged these relationships thus far, and really challenging me to be vulnerable with them and get to know their hearts and stories. I had some INCREDIBLE relationships at Shelterwood, and I still do. But there was always a part of me that felt like I never quite fit in, and wasn't able to be as vulnerable and real with them as I probably needed to be. And yet the healing God has brought from that, and the change in me He has brought through that has been absolutely incredible.

Simply in general, I have begun to see the fruit of taking a year off and the HARD work I did in counseling. I have changed SO much over the past year, it is mindblowing. In reality? I have changed SO SO much over the past two years, I don't even recognize myself much anymore. I am in the middle still of a longgggg journey of healing, but for the first time in my life I thought yesterday "I can see tangible evidence that I have healed and grown over the past two years." And then I simply smiled.

But later, those thoughts began to haunt me quite frankly. I was scared- what if I can't "keep this up" what if I fall back? What if I fail? What if it gets bad again?! And in reality? It will. But God has made it SO clear that I have entered a new season- a season of restoration. He wants to restore me so desperately to who He has created me to be. And in reality? I won't be there till heaven. But this new season, I know God is calling me to freedom- to let go of my past, and to try new and exciting things that I have spent my whole life being afraid to do. And I am excited and terrified all at the same time. As I have said to co-workers a lot over the past few weeks "It's just messy!"

I listened to the song I posted above on Sunday, as well as today and I felt that it fit well for this season and really is my prayer as I start this new journey. When I taste the goodness of the Lord, I shall not be in want. I have never ever been so satisfied with what God is teaching me, revealing to me and providing to me. As nervous as I am for this new season, I am 100x more excited to see how God is going to continue working in my life and healing my heart as well as the hearts of the girls I work with, and my co-workers. It has already been such an immense blessing, and I know there are only more to come.

I ask for your prayers, as well as support. I welcome messages, phone calls, letters, Bible verses, quotes, care packages, or anything of the sort. I am so so thankful for the community God has given me, both at home in Michigan, and around the globe quite frankly. If you are interested on how you can support the girls I work with, please feel free to contact me and I can give you some ideas!

So here is my random thought of the day for you.... In what areas of your life does God want to bring you restoration? Maybe it's your marriage, or your relationship with your kids. Maybe it's your relationship with God, or your relationship with an unhealthy coping mechanism. Maybe it's not a relationship at all, I don't know. But I do know that God is a God of restoration, and he wants to bring you that healing in ways you cannot even begin to ask or imagine!

Believe It Or Not, I Am Not A Know It All

I went into training acting like a know it all. 

Okay, maybe that is a little blunt and maybe not entirely true. I went in thinking "I worked at Shelterwood and there is NOTHING that is going to phase me or will be harder than anything I encountered there. I've been called horrific names, been hit, scratched, had things thrown at me, and told I was worthless, unloveable, and really anything else derogatory you can think of. Bring it on, I'll show you how tough I am! Ask me any question, throw me in any scenario, I am 100% prepared!" 

Well friends? That came back to bite me in the butt today. Today was the first day that training actually challenged me emotionally and mentally. I had stuff from Shelterwood triggered, and it made me start thinking things like "I am not ready for this, I am not qualified enough for this, why would these girls ever want anything to do with me?!" I at least recognized that they are all lies, but it's hard to have that kind of thinking coming in like it used to everyday I worked at the wood. My thinking patterns of "knowing it all" was a way of protecting myself. If I know in my head that nothing these girls can throw at me will be surprising or new, I don't have to worry about it hurting me because I have seen it before. But, if there are unknowns, suddenly my mind is convinced that I am not safe and I need to freak out. In reality? Thats not always true. Welcome to a mind with severe anxiety lol 

We had trauma training today at the local counties children's services, and I went to my car and balled my eyes out for a good ten minutes. It all started coming back to me, the pain that these kids have gone through that NO child should ever have to go through EVER. It makes me angry, I hurt for them and their families. And I realized once again, that there is NO WAY I can possibly be prepared for every single scenario that I am going to face with these girls. Especially because I have never worked exclusively with sex trafficking survivors. And I felt like God called me out. In a loving way mind you, but I got called out. He told me: "Marissa, I am not done working in you, or through you yet. In your mind Shelterwood started and ended that journey, but I have SO much more to teach you. I have so much more life and freedom for you that is still so locked up from your own past, and it's time to keep moving forward, healing, forgiving and moving forward. We aren't done here yet." 

There have been so many things that have been hard for me regarding starting this job that I haven't been able to verbalize to anyone else. It's been chaotic, as I am still driving back and forth from Michigan everyday as I wait for my cat pee filled carpet in my apartment to be replaced. Everything is chaotic, nothing is unpacked, I have nowhere to simply rest and process my thoughts. As I was crying on the phone talking to my counselor this afternoon she stopped me while I was word vomiting and said "Marissa, go find Starbucks. Any Starbucks. It's familiar to you, it's calming for you. Process for a bit and then turn on Friends. Let yourself unwind and relax for a bit." So I here I sit, in a random Starbucks just like I did so many times in Missouri simply trying to process what is going on in my own life.  

I love the organization I am working for. I love my co-workers. And yet if I am being vulnerable it has been hard for me because I am facing SO much change and transition, and I don't know any of them well enough yet to really trust them and open my heart to them and tell them where I am at. It's hard, and it's challenging. There are many many many times where I am terrified that I am going to screw up, and its going to end traumatically like my time at Shelterwood, even though I have been reassured many many times that it won't. It's hard. It's messy. And sooooo many times over the past week especially I've just wanted to scream a million times "FORGET IT! I AM GOING HOME!" And yet, deep within my soul I know I cannot do that. I have a calling higher than what my feelings dictate, and I know that I have to keep going, as hard as it is. 

Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my job thus far. I know 100% this is where I am supposed to be, and that has been reinforced to me over and over again by many people. It's just not going as perfectly and seamlessly and emotionlessly as I had planned it in my mind, and that is totally okay. I am transitioning, I am learning, and I am growing. 

And so today, I humbly ask for your prayers as I transition into this new position. Please pray that God would continue to humble my heart and remind me that this is HIS work that I am doing, not my own. But at the same time, that He would continue to give me grace, and that I would give myself grace as I navigate this new season and so many changes each and every day. I am really excited for this new season, like really excited. My counselor has told me many many times that she sees some serious progress heading in my direction, and she is excited for me too. It's hard on days like today when I feel 100% unqualified, but I know deep in my heart that there is sooo much good that is going to pour out of this, and I honestly can't wait to see it. 

One. Last. Stand.

Have you ever known that God is calling you to do something and Satan has tried to take you down every single stinking step of the way? That's been my life for the past two weeks. I keep hitting roadblock after roadblock trying to move to Ohio, and it is frustrating beyond any belief.

First, it took me two weeks to get in for a physical from my primary care so I could get medical clearance meaning I am going to be 30-45 min late to my first day of training. Second, I found out my housing is wayyy farther away than what I was planning on driving to work every day. Third, I've had a terrible time trying to find an affordable car. Fourth? I lost my license and insurance card, and couldn't find it until I had searched for appx. 3 hours.

Oh. my. word. 

You're probably exhausted just reading this list! It has been straight CRAZY. And yet as I sat in my room in tears earlier I couldn't help but think in my mind "As hard as this is, I know this is where God wants me to be, and I know he isn't telling me not to go." I had prayed like 6 times. My mom had prayed, we had literally turned our house upside down trying to find this license, and we could not find it anywhere. I finally gave up and started registering for a new on on Secretary of State when I found it 15 min later. Praise Jesus. 

I don't say all this to complain.... I say this to say exactly the opposite: Don't complain- trust and pray. I remembered something that Louie Gigilo had preached about in 2013 when I went to Passion- the Devil's one last stand. Louie talked about how the devil will do ANYTHING to try and derail us from following God's plan for us, right up until the last second but that is important that we stand strong in Christ, even if we come out afterwards basically half dead. 

I firmly believe that the events that have taken place over the past few weeks are the Devil's "one last stand" trying to get me to chicken out of moving to Ohio. Well Devil, I got a few words for you- 

BACK OFF! I BELONG TO JESUS!

I think of what Pastor Bill says almost every week at church- if you have a complete and utter meltdown and curse God over the oven dying, how are you gonna face actual persecution when the time comes?

Have you ever thought about that? How do you react when hard times come? For the first time EVER in my life I have been handling transition and change pretty well. I had a few weeks of complete and utter shut down, but very few panic attacks and very few tears. I've been coping and praying my butt off, but it's working and that is what is extremely important. 

So here is my random thought of the day for you.... What is the devil using as his one last stand in your life? What is God challenging you to do but Satan keeps getting in the way? I challenge you to take some time and seriously pray about it. As soon as I found my license? I drove to Starbucks and had some intense prayer time. Don't let anything else get in the way. Get on your face and talk to Jesus. Don't let the Devil win this battle, especially because you know he already lost the war.