God is on the Move!

This song has been my jam for the past few days. There are few songs that I feel the presence of God so strongly in that I strongly consider pulling over my car to raise my hands and worship instead of driving to wherever it is I am going. This song just reminds me over and over again that no matter what I am facing throughout the day, God is on the move!

I've had a lot of depression/anxiety flair ups over the past few weeks. None of them have lasted long, a few hours or a night at the longest but it is still frustrating. I hate having to call my counselor sometimes because I am panicking over what feels like nothing. I thought that when I came back from Shelterwood my life was going to be magically "fixed" and all my struggles I've been facing over the past few months would go away. Surprise? They didn't. Actually a lot of them magnified.

In reality? A lot of people who work in residential centers come out with symptoms of PTSD, some worse than others. I wish that direct care staff got better care by their employers but in reality most don't, and working residential is a highly emotional investing job. I've been avoiding these facts since October. I've wanted to believe and have worked hard to convince myself that I am "fine" and that none of this 'trauma' had affected me. I had a heart to heart with my mentor Kari, and my therapist this past week and both of them called me out on avoiding the hard stuff I need to face in order to move forward. And yet, Kari said something to me that has really stuck with me. She said to me "Marissa, God is still most definitely working where you're at. You're in a season of preparation. I don't even think you're in a season of waiting, God is on the move!"

I've thought about this as I've struggled a bit over the past few days. A lot of days? I dont want to be nannying. I want to be working with teens mentoring them. Or even families discipling them. Truly ANYTHING other than what I am doing right now. But in reality? I make really really good money nannying. I am going to be able to start grad school (hopefully!) in the fall, and have got plans for an apartment lined up. I am financially secure for the first time in my life, and God is teaching me a TON about myself, and what kind of parent I want to be through nannying. I am working at developing relationships at my church, and reducing my social anxiety as a whole. I have plans to start volunteering with Big Brother/Big Sister soon, and there are a LOT of exciting things going on in my life right now.

And so I've chosen to take these tough things that I don't like and repeat to myself "I know, I know that God is on the move in many mighty ways! God is on the move today, hallelujah!" Anytime I face something hard, I can either crumble in self pity and despair, and let my anxiety and depression completely take over. Or, I can stand up and shout "Satan, I KNOW God is on the move!" and that know that God will use whatever is hard about my day for good. This will end up good. Even if it's not "good" till heaven, I know that my story ends for good because God said so and all his promises are true!

I think of today being Good Friday... I've thought about it many times today and been annoyed with my day that I haven't gotten to have good "God time" yet today. And yet for the first time in my life, I am seeing Good Friday in a completely different light. Yes, Good Friday is a day of sadness and mourning. But at the same time? I think about Good Friday today and I think "OH MAN. God is on the move!" and I am SO excited for Sunday! I have never been super excited about Easter before, but I am PUMPED man. I get to live forever in freedom because Jesus paid the price for ME. Today. He did it. He was tortured, abused, and died for me. Selfish, self centered, impatient, angry, me. If God can transform the crucifixion into one of the greatest symbols of hope and healing, then I think that he's got my life under control.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: What situation is going on in your life that you need to recognize that God is in fact on the move? I encourage you to take a step back this Good Friday, and remember that while it is dark right now and it appears death has won; Remember: God is on the move! Sunday is coming, healing, restoration and freedom is coming. So take a deep breath, and don't get stuck on Good Friday, God is on the move today!

Month 12 I am a Victor- Real or Not Real?

It's my one year. It's still hard to say that without starting to cry. I can't say that without starting to cry. I very clearly remember writing my first updates on this blog in the Shelterwood living room one year ago. I remember balling my eyes out at about this same time talking to my counselor on this very day last year begging her to tell me it would be okay to come home, and that I didn't have to do this. But I also remember something that she told me that morning: First, I needed to take a deep breath and find something familiar aka Starbucks. But second, she told me that I had spent months preparing for this journey, and that she believed in me, and she knew I could do it.  I already relate myself to Katniss Everdeen on a daily basis, but today this seemed extra fitting. I had prepared for months to go into the Hunger Games: Shelterwood edition, and I was ready to win. My counselor Gina sorta became my Haymitch. 

My heart has really struggled with thinking about what to write in this update... as it's likely the last one I will ever do. In a sense, my shelterwood journey is in fact over. But as I thought about this concept, I again thought of Katniss in Catching Fire. She begs Haymitch to help herself and Peeta get through the victory tour after winning the Hunger Games. She says "Please just help me get through this trip. Just help us get through!" His response? "This trip girl? Wake up! This trip doesn't end when you go back home! You never get off this train!" While in the movie this was a negative thing, I see it as a positive thing in my life. While my "Hunger Games" in the Shelterwood arena may be over, I don't ever get to get off the "Victory Tour" train. I have the privilege of still being a support for co-workers still at the wood. I have the privilege of staying in touch with my littles both at the wood, and who have already come home. I am a mentor now, and that is thrilling. 

I've written many times about how my life has changed over the last 12 months. All I can say is that I have been changed for the better because I went to Shelterwood. Yes, the arena was HARD. The hardest thing I have EVER done in my life by far. And going back to visit felt like Catching Fire, visiting the arena again even if only for a short time. Do I regret going to the wood even though I didn't finish? Absolutely not. Do you think Katniss regretted going to the Hunger Games when she saved her sister (sort of..) and fell in love with Peeta? Absolutely not. However, the Hunger Games broke her sense of self. It changed her. It grew her, but she came out a better and stronger, but broken person. She still struggled with anxiety, depression, flashbacks, and pain years and years after the games were over. She wasn't magically "fixed" simply because the games were done and in the past. 

I've been having quite the pity party for myself since I got back from Shelterwood. I've wanted nothing but to go back. So I've drowned myself in self pity, and moaning and complaining and trying to change everything about my life currently so I could feel better about leaving. The guilt came back, the pain came back. Everything I thought would magically disappear when I went and visited suddenly started rearing it's ugly head again. I've cried and cried the past few days because all I can think about is how my graduation is supposed to be this week. I am supposed to be preparing to come home right now, not already be home. I should have been there today to speak in person for my little's graduation, not send in a video?! Right?! Wrong. 

My pain is not wrong. My sadness is not wrong. But the guilt, depression, and anxiety that I face regarding leaving Shelterwood still? That is wrong. I am not condemned by God, Shelterwood, my girls, the other bigs, or anyone else for taking steps to take care of myself. The only ones who are still condemning me? Myself and Satan. I still get so much love and support from these people, sometimes I feel like its ridiculous. Just like Katniss thought that Peeta still loving her after everything they'd gone through was ridiculous and she questioned his love for the rest of their lives. 

The Sheltergames are over. I won't be in the arena anymore, maybe not ever again unless God works it out to visit the littles one last time. But the memories remain. Life changing, life altering, beautiful memories. While I am sad to see this chapter of my life finally coming to a close, I am excited to see what the next one will bring. I am still growing, still changing, still getting to know Christ as my savior, and still healing. God has brought me the most faithful, incredible, God centered community filled with mentors, and life long friends and family that I could ever ask for. 

Here is an excerpt from the last book in the Hunger Games series: 

"My children, who don't know they play on a graveyard. Peeta says it will be okay. We have each other. And the book. We can make them understand in a way that will make them braver. But one day I'll have to explain about my nightmares. Why they came. Why they won't ever really go away.

I'll tell them how I survive it. I'll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I'm afraid it could be taken away. That's when I make a list in my head of every act of goodness I've seen someone do. It's like a game. Repetitive. Even a little tedious after more than twenty years. But there are much worse games to play."

On bad days, it still sometimes feels impossible to enjoy the good. The guilt of leaving overpowering the joy of the day I am facing. But like Katniss, I will take that moment and start listing the good Shelterwood has still done for me- helped me face my past, helped me conquer my anxiety, taught me what unconditional love is, taught me what grace is, gave me real relationships, challenged my sense of self, grew my self esteem and confidence, and so much more. 

I'm not a conventional victor. I don't get to have my graduation at Shelterwood with cheering littles and bigs, and have people celebrate with me in what God has done throughout this year. But from afar, I have friends all over the country who are celebrating with me. I have littles and bigs back at the wood celebrating with me in all that God has done. Katniss wasn't a traditional victor AT ALL. She not only broke the mold, she blew it up both figuratively and literally. I've realized this year, that God hasn't called me to follow the status quo. He's called me to shatter the mold, release the arrow, and trust that when things blow up, He's still got my back. He's called me to live as the victor that I am, and while unconventional it is a true picture of his grace and mercy that I have come out on top of this battle for my soul and spirit victorious. 

Effie Trinket: [embracing Katniss] Promise me you'll find it.

Katniss Everdeen: Find what?

Effie Trinket: The life of a victor.

Here's to enjoying and finding my life as a victor. 

A Morning in the Life of Anxiety Girl

I think I can speak for most of the American public when I say that most people can say they know something about anxiety or know someone who struggles with an anxiety disorder. However, I think the perception of what anxiety really looks like is actually pretty flawed. So after a particularly bad flare up of anxiety for me this morning, I thought I'd share what it looks like to go through a morning with severe anxiety. This is a little more vulnerable than normal for me, but here we go!  

This is me. This is often what anxiety looks like for me- I am not screaming, crying, pacing the room or anxiously talking about a decision I cannot make. No, this is me huddled under my weighted blanket trying to convince myself to get out of bed for the 2nd time this morning. Nothing "bad" happened, nothing horrible was triggered. Just sometime between when I got up the first time and started eating my frosted flakes and coming upstairs to get dressed my brain just decided that if I went to church this morning, it might kill me. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my church. I love the people, the worship, the sermons, my pastor, everything. But the thought of getting up this morning and simply having to say hello to people was more than I could even bear to consider as doable. This is where anxiety often gets misinterpreted and misunderstood. I was not afraid of anything logical this morning, in reality I wasn't even really afraid. My body was just in fight or flight and telling me that I could not go forward with my plans because it was screaming "DANGER!" In reality? There is nothing dangerous about church. Eventually, I fought myself through tears and dragged my butt out the door fighting off a panic attack the entire time. 

I got there, and the lights, sounds and people all around made my head start spinning. I started hyperventilating a bit, and wondered if I was going to have to leave. But then, my pastor came and gave me a hug. I could tell he knew I wasn't okay, probably based off my shaking and tears in my eyes. He told me he loved me and he is always praying for me. Then, our worship leader came over and gave me a hug as well. I tried to lie to her and tell her I was fine, but she didn't buy into my BS. I told her my anxiety was flaring up, and she reminded me that Jesus is bigger than my anxiety, and that she was praying that peace would surround me throughout the service. And with that? My anxiety was completely gone, no questions asked. As quickly as it came, it went. 

That is what is frustrating with anxiety, you see. Sometimes, it's entirely predictable. I know that if someone taps me on the shoulder there is a good chance my anxiety will spike instantly. I know that large crowded places sent me into fight or flight extremely quickly. I know that some situations with kids and teens will make me panic. I know that if someone yells at me, I will probably have a panic attack. All of these things are predictable about 90% of the time. 

But it's situations like today, when nothing in particular spiked my anxiety that make it hard to manage. It's not as easy to "go on meds" and just take care of the problem. My anxiety is well managed about 90% of the time. I don't need meds when I generally have the equivalent of one bad week a month. 

This is what I want people to understand: If you don't have anxiety, you don't understand. Anxiety is not being worried about "something". It's not being afraid of something specific that you can avoid, it's not someone screaming in terror. Anxiety is not always pacing around the room, or crying. Anxiety is not always logical. Anxiety is rarely preventable. Anxiety is not something we choose. Anxiety is not always caused by trauma from the past, and its not always caused by chemical imbalances. Anxiety is not always being noticeable. 

Sometimes, anxiety is silent. So silent that I lose my ability to speak because I feel like someone has their hands around my neck and I cannot breathe. Anxiety is a merry go round that is spinning out of control. Anxiety is a herd of african safari animals running at you, and you have no control to make them stop. Anxiety is feeling like you are suffocating and drowning when you're simply sitting in a classroom. Anxiety is being terrified to make a phone call because your mind goes blank as soon as you hear someone on the other end. Anxiety is not being able to go to events because you don't know people, and that in itself will overwhelm you. Anxiety is when simple everyday noises become overwhelming because you already have an amusement park of noise going on in in your head, and one more noise puts you over the edge. Anxiety is going off on someone when they ask you to do a simple task, because you've already been beating yourself up in your head for two days over the laundry thats on your floor that you can't make yourself do. Anxiety is the running of every negative thing anyone has ever said to you in your head over and over and over again. Anxiety is your brain trying to convince you to do ANYTHING to escape the obvious imminent danger you are in, even if that means running out of the room while you are speaking or doing something that might legitimately harm you.  Anxiety is not being able to tell someone no, even if they are hurting you. Anxiety is not being able to get out of bed in the morning because life itself scares you. Anxiety is not being able to get out of bed because you are running late because you overslept, and it feels pointless to even try at this point. Anxiety is worrying every time that you are late to work that you are going to get fired. Anxiety takes every normal thought, and blows it so far out of proportion it can convince you that eating a sandwich is going to kill you. Anxiety is an overwhelming sensation that can take over every single aspect of your life if it gets bad enough. 

This is what anxiety is to me. It's not simple, its not enjoyable. It's not something that I talk about because mental health is a current "fad". This is my life. This is what I go through every moment of every day. I don't write this for attention, I write this for awareness. You wouldn't get mad at your employee who has cancer and can't go to a social function, yet you yell at your "normal" employee when they tell you they can't go for personal reasons? Or even if they are brave enough to tell you to struggle with anxiety would you really let them not go? Of course not. You'd tell them to get their act together, to stop complaining, to get on meds or some sort of combination of these things. People with mental illnesses are just that- people with illnesses. So please, stop acting like your employee is incompetent if they have a panic attack. Don't act like if someone cries over answering the phone they are insane. Mental health issues affect an organ- a really important organ at that- the brain. 

That's why I am writing this. I am sick and tired of being horribly embarrassed to admit to people that I struggle with anxiety. In a way, yes. I am sick. It's something that I might struggle with for the rest of my life. Yes, I pray and ask God to take it away, who wouldn't?! But until then, be gentle with me please. Don't judge me when I tell you I can't go to an event because my anxiety is flaring up and I don't want to go somewhere where I'll have a panic attack in public. If I tell you I don't want to call to order the pizza, please don't try and make me and tell me you're trying to help me "get over it" I have a therapist for that, thank you. People with mental illnesses are not freaks. They are not incompetent, they are not useless to the American public. They are simply people with struggles just like you. 

I hope that by sharing a bit of my story this will challenge you to consider how you interact with people you know who struggle with anxiety. I hope this will encourage you to find ways to help them, and let them know they don't have to try and "cover up" their anxiety around you. I hope that this helps people to stop judging people who do have anxiety, and gives people a better perspective of the many faces that anxiety can appear as.