Musings from the Mitten

Here we are. Coming to the close of a 6 day vacation. It's been crazy, busy, and wonderful. I've learned so much about myself over the past week, and truly seen how much I've grown and changed in the past 5 months, its really incredible. I had two major thoughts and life lessons that have poured through my mind this week. The first? These two.

Nothing has filled my heart like spending time with these two this week. Watching them run, jump, scream, laugh and play has brought me SO much joy! I had a moment as I was watching Levi play a few days ago, where I thought "If God feels the same way about us, that I feel about these kids, I finally understand His love." The love I have for these kids is overwhelming, empowering. I would do anything for them, anything to protect them. I would jump in front of a moving train for them if I had to. Sometimes, I have to disappoint them. I have to let them get hurt. I have to punish them so that they can learn. And yet, it just blows my mind the overpowering love and compassion I have for them. They could screw up a million times, and I will never stop loving them. I haven't seen them in 5 months, and yet when I saw them for the first time, I almost cried. It didn't matter. I didn't hate them for not talking to me, all I cared about was that I got to spend the next six days with them. God is the same way. He isn't going to be mad at us for straying away. He isn't going to stop talking to us if we don't make time for Him everyday. He is just going to be patiently waiting for us to come back to Him, just like I was patiently waiting in the airport for Levi. He just loves us, and craves that time with us. Wow. How beautiful is that?! 

Second lesson? I've learned to cherish the small things. Like taking a shower. At Shelterwood, everything is scheduled for the girls right down to when they are allowed to use the bathroom. When I first got there, my entire perspective was that they were at Shelterwood for a reason, and there are reasons why we have rules. I have had one of my girls say to me ALL the time- "Marissa, I wish you'd just understand how frustrating it is to have someone telling you ALL the time what you can do and what you can't do. Sometimes I just want to be 16 and take a shower when I want to take a shower!" I'd always reply that I did understand how frustrating that is, and I am sorry that she couldn't do what she wanted when she wanted. But I didn't really understand. Now? I understand. I have had the luxury of taking a shower when I want. Eating what I want whenever I want. Taking a nap whenever I wanted. Playing games. Watching TV. I forgot HOW AMAZING normal life is! Holy crap! And if I am being honest, its gonna be SUPER hard going back to Shelterwood tomorrow and my very very structured life. It's also given me an amazing new sense of compassion for my girls, and realizing how much it sucks to be told what you're doing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 

It's been quite the week. I'd be lying if I said I was ready to go back to Shelterwood no questions asked. The vacation has been wonderfully refreshing and relaxing. It's gonna kill me to leave my kiddos, my friends, mentors and family. But at the same time? I miss my Shelterwood munchkins. I've spent some serious time reflecting over this break and praying about my time there, and I am ready to get back to the ministry God has called me to. I am coming back refreshed and rejuvenated, and ready to make some changes to my life there. It's bittwersweet, but exciting. I am ready to see how God is going to work in my last 7 months at the 'wood. So here we go. It's been beautiful Michigan, but this girl's gotta get back to the 'wood! 

5 Months Down, 7 to Go!

Grace wins in the end. 

I feel like that is the summary for this month. I was having yet another bad panic attack the other day and talking about what triggered it with my co-worker Bailey afterwards. I talked to her about how hard it is for me not to perform and feel like I have to be perfect in other to be loved. I have this mindset that as long as I have panic attacks, I am no good to my team and I am not loveable, and should just give up and go home already. But slowly I am learning that this is not true. As I battled a few panic attacks this week I noticed a change in my mindset- instead of repeating what a screw up I was and how mad at myself that I was because I was having yet another panic attack, I found myself whispering to myself "God still loves you. He's still using you even though its hard right now. Your team still loves you even though its hard right now. It's gonna be okay Marissa, It's gonna be okay." After my last panic attack and talking with Bailey I told her that I feel like God is calling me to stay at Shelterwood even through this very intense trial so that I can learn what His grace truly looks like and learn that I deserve to be loved no matter what the circumstance. She said to me "Marissa, you are so so loveable. So loveable. His grace is enough, and our grace will supplement that." In short what does this mean?! PROGRESS! Yes, I am still having panic attacks. But I went for a few months without having almost any at all and I am confident the numbers will go down again soon. My mindset is changing, and thats all I could ever ask for. In the words of my loveable mentor Kari as I talked with her last week; I've also been throwing a lot of temper tantrums. I've been angry, upset and anxious because so many people that I have grown to love are leaving one after another. A lot of them have been panic attacks, but a lot have been temper tantrums as well. I have been taking out every ounce of my emotion out on everyone around me, and its gotta stop. I've gotta realize that I belong to Jesus, and every moment is part of His plan and it's gonna be okay. I came here five months ago not knowing a soul, and in that short time these people have changed my life and I am eternally grateful. I can't wait to see how God works in these next 7 months and helps me build even more relationships. 

I am not ready to give into this battle yet,  I have to keep fighting. I re-read a post I wrote a few months ago about wearing spiritual armor. I most definitely haven't been wearing my armor. I haven't worn my helmet, and I haven't held up my shield to extinguish the arrows of the devil. Kari has told me so many times that my biggest problem right now is really really simple: fear. I am terrified of what is to come in the future, and terrified to face my past. These inner demons are wreaking havoc on my life and I am tired of it, but I absolutely refuse to give up. Its time to put on the armor and start fighting back. 

The easy thing to do would be to go home. To give up on this job that God has called me to and to do the easy thing and get a "real" job and forget that I ever came here to change my life. But I absolutely refuse to do that. The changes I am seeing in myself and in my girls is incredible, mind blowing, and humbling. I love my job. I love my job more than any describable words can say. I love my coworkers and the lessons I am learning each and every day. My relationships with my girls are getting stronger every day and my relationship with God is becoming more real everyday. I have to simply keep reminding myself that Grace will win in the end. I would appreciate prayers as I navigate some changes that are happening, and as I seek God more and more. God is doing great things at the 'wood and I am thrilled to be apart of it! :) 

It's Okay to Not Be Okay, This is a Safe Place

This song. I've been trying for a good week now to put into words where I am at emotionally right now, and have been unable to find any to really put into words how I feel. I have been ALL over the place over the past few weeks. There is a lot of transition taking place at Shelterwood right now- it's the time of year when contracts end, and new staff start filtering in to start their contracts. And it's a whole heck of a lot harder than I ever imagined that could be. Don't get me wrong- I am SUPER excited to meet the new staff. It is going to bring a wave of freshness, new, and excitement and passion to our house that is definitely needed. But at the same time? I am sad. I am sad because I am JUST starting to take down my walls of protection with people here. I am just starting to let them in and see the real me for all that its worth, and now they are leaving. And that is hard for me to deal with. I've always struggled with relationships and change, but Shelterwood takes it to a whole new level. The struggle is real my friends.

The anxiety has been unmanageable and bearing it's ugly head a lot the past few weeks. Lots of panic attacks and tears. It's frustrating, but I've gotten to a point where I don't fight it anymore, I just ride out the storm. During a panic attack, I often hold my breath (not on purpose!) and it feels like I am choking to death. (Probs one of the worst feelings you could ever experience.) I heard this song for the first time today, and I loved the part that says "Just let go let His love wrap around you and hold you close. Get lost in the surrender, breathe it in until your heart breaks. Then exhale." I thought of my panic attacks, and the moment when I am calm enough to start inhaling and exhaling normally. It's like sweet relief that pours over me. Often times I will start crying if I am not already simply cuz it feels SO GOOD to just be breathing normally again. And I love that image- of breathing in His love until my cold heart breaks, and I can exhale all the pain.

I've been SO frustrated with where I am at currently, personally. I am told by staff/co-workers and even the littles that I am doing a great job but often times it doesnt feel like it. It never feels like enough. I am constantly asking myself- "What do I need to be doing to better?" I've told myself SO MANY TIMES that I am okay, and I am loveable just the way I am. I don't need to perform in order to be loved, and yet my stubborn mindset stays the same. It's so hard, when I desperately want to change my thinking patterns and behaviors but I simply feel so so so stuck.

I loved the part of the song that says "There is still hope here." I would be lying if I said I haven't had the "I've thrown in the towel" attitude about Shelterwood recently. And realistically, it's not Shelterwoods fault. It's the attitude I am choosing to take on about the changes. I am angry about all the transition, and taking that out on EVERYONE in my life. And as I was sitting in my car and heard the words whispered "There is still hope here." it was like my mind stopped realing for a second and said "What am I missing? How I can see the hope here?" My best friend said the same thing to me tonight- "Marissa, there is still hope for all of this. You are in a REALLY rough season, but there is always hope." I love that. I know there is still hope. I just gotta find it.

I tend to isolate when I am struggling. I stop talking to those I need most- God, my friends, my therapist, mentors, co-workers, family, disciplers, everyone. I pull away and try to fix it all by myself. And for a really long time (think 23 years) it worked. It worked well. Because I was fully convinced that I could not trust anyone fully, ever because they would hurt me and abandon me emotionally if not even physically leave me. But for the first time in my life? It's no longer working. Pulling away is not fixing my problems, and its left me dumbfounded and quite frankly trying to figure out what to do now. And today when I heard this song I realised:

It's okay to not be okay

This is a safe place.

What do I need to do? In a way, nothing. But, I do need to LET Love wrap around me, and stop trying so hard to be loveable and just be loved. Especially God's love. I need to stop fighting it, and let the spirit tear down the walls that only He can, and reconcile my heart to His, and finally exhale all this pain I've kept bottled up as long as I can remember. And the beautiful thing? Shelterwood is a safe place. It really freaks me out how safe it is. What other place do you work with over 20 people who you'd trust with your life who know how to walk someone through panic attacks, moments of intense deep pain, flashbacks, fits of anger and depression and lead you all back to God? I am not sure very many other places exist like that. How many places exist where your co-workers know where your coping kit is and go to grab it as soon as you start having a panic attack? It's mindblowing. And it TOTALLY freaks me out that I work at a place that meets me where I am at with such grace and love and wants to help me overcome all of it. Through Jesus. And show me who he actually is. Wow. 

So if I am being honest? I am struggling. Questioning who I am vs. who I want to be and if I actually want to do the work to get there. Part of me really doesnt want to do that work obviously and it frustrates me. I could use prayer to help me build relationships, and to build further trust with my co-workers. I could use prayer to help myself not isolate and try to fix all my problems by myself. I could use prayer to trust myself, and trust that I am strong enough to work through my past pain. I could use prayer to keep focusing on God, and learning about His love for me. Basically, I could use prayer. Please don't get me wrong- I am still VERY happy. I know this is exactly where I need to be, it's exactly where God has called me to be. I am just at a crossroad, and it is decision time. So thank you in advance for your prayers, I appreciate it more than you know! I hope this way of processing for me has given you a glimpse of my life and where I am at, and brings you the hope of Jesus because He is truly working wonders even if I struggle with how he is chooisng to work.