He's Making Diamonds!

Have you ever just felt like a dirty piece of coal? Like no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try to improve your mood, you're just cranky? And if anyone touches you, or if you fall, you might break into a million pieces? Or no matter how hard you try to keep your house clean there are dirty clothes and dirty dishes everywhere, much like leaving coal dust anywhere a piece of coal dust has sat? 

This is how I have felt for a few weeks now. My depression and anxiety has been flaring up quite a bit, and I have had trouble managing it as well as I have been for the past few months. Luckily, today it feels like I might be starting to come out of it which is a huge blessing. But I've sat around for weeks feeling like nothing more than a lump of coal, going to work in the morning, and then coming home and going to bed and doing it over and over again. 

I have sensed for a while now that this season I am in right now is coming to a close, but what is next is still pretty unsure. There are a few opportunities on the horizon, but nothing near set in stone. I knew from the beginning of this season that God was giving me a season of rest and preparation for whatever is to come next. And it's put a LOT of pressure on me. Very, very uncomfortable pressure. It's been building up my skin, and helping to see my true identity in Christ, instead of my identity that the world attempts to give me. 

I've sat back and watched as this season has ripped me apart. God has broken me down to nothing over and over and over again over the past 9ish months. I listened to the song I am going to include below, and one of the lines says "I've surrendered to the power of being crushed by love." This season has been different for that matter- I am no longer being crushed by the world, or by Satan- I am being crushed, changed, molded and polished by the loving hands of God. 

Yes, I have been depressed and I have been anxious. But I have been depressed and anxious because I am sick and tired of waiting on God and his timing. I want things decided NOW because it works best for me NOW. I have developed this whole new plan of how I think this new season is supposed to go, and I basically said "Okay God, got it all planned for you, now go do it for me, k thanks!" 

Friends, that is NOT how God works. With this new "plan" I came up with yesterday (After I felt that God was not working quickly enough with the plan he presented to me a month ago which covers all my wants and needs adequately, just not abundantly) God really called me out on it this morning. I devised a plan where I would get another job I applied for yesterday, have no financial stains or struggles, be working where I want, have a nice car, live with a friend, and have everything work out I have planned for it, all for the 'glory' of God. 

Ew. Does that make you as sick as it makes me? I feel like God sat me down this morning and gently said "Marissa, if you get this job, you will have built such glorious, beautiful walls of protection for yourself, you won't anyone in your life anymore, but you won't need me either. This isn't how I designed you. I designed you to need me, and that is okay." 

I think of Jonah running away from Ninevah. God has shown me over and over again that He has a plan for this next season, and I just need to trust him. But do I listen? No. I say "Ohhh no God. That can't possibly be what you mean.... You wouldn't ask that of ME. You wouldn't ask me to take a job again where I can barely cover my finances. No. You must mean someone else. Not me. Don't worry, I'll show you what you actually meant. No worries!" ME. Little, sinful, human ME thinks that I know better than God. WHAT. 

I sit here with excuse after excuse saying "Wellllll I've been through hard thingsssss. God owes meeee." or "I already served God once. Why should I have to do that again?" or "I am sure there is someone who would be a better fit for this job anyway. It doesn't HAVE to be me." Or "Can't I just get what I want oneeee timeee?!" 

Who do I honestly think I am? 

I look at myself and my sinful, self centered mind and it makes me want to vomit. This isn't how God works people, not at all. God is not a god of demands. He already conquered death, he defeated the grave. Because of Him, and his unbelievable suffering, I get the chance to LIVE instead of die. I get the chance to live anxiety and depression free. I get the chance to get to spend eternity with family members whos lives have been destroyed by drugs, alcohol, and mental illness and spend eternity with them in the way that God created them to be- perfect whole and free. And that in itself is a GIFT. God owes me NOTHING.

God gave me the incredible gift of life, and it is my honor and duty to spread that love and opportunity with others. And if God is showing me an avenue to do that more effectively who I am to tell the King that defeated death that He is wrong?!

So here is my random thought of the day for you.... I am sure you are under pressure. It probably is different pressure than I am under, but it's pressure. I want to challenge you to take your mind off the process today, and put it on the end result- put your focus on getting to be that diamond. Talk to God about the pressure. Yell at him, scream at him, it's okay. It hurts and he knows it. But, the outcome will be SO worth the process. I can promise you that!!!! I also want to challenge you to trust Him where he leads you. Even if it seems insane, or not worth the pain, trust him. Accept his plan and it will pay off in the end.

All Things Are Possible!

I was driving to Starbucks this morning, and "Trading My Sorrows!" was on the radio. I have not heard this song in FOREVER. My first thought? I screamed "AHHH! CAMP!" Something about this song brought me back to the 3 summers I spent at FaHoLo Kids/Junior High Camp. Seriously 3 of the best summers of my life. 

I've had camp on my mind a LOT the past few weeks. It's currently Senior High Camp week at FaHoLo, and many kids from my church are currently at camp. I've wished I would have gone through high school. I've wished my siblings would have gone so I could experience the "rush" of drop off day even if I wasn't the one going.  I've seriously wished MANY times that I could go to camp as an adult. Seriously, they need to have camp for people working in ministry. I'm not talking like a conference, I'm talking like CAMP. Bunk beds, mud fights, weird food and all. 

I've missed all the lessons I learned through camp. I learned how to make new friends, try new things, and most of all, learned what it mean to actually be a Christian. My youth pastor talks a lot about how God does incredible things through camp, including calling people into ministry. I do believe that I was called into ministry my 2nd year of camp, but I did not understand to what extent at the time because I knew that God wasn't calling me to be a pastor, and I didn't feel like I was supposed to be a missionary either, so I kind of forgot about it until today when I heard that song. 

I realized today that God did call me into ministry, just ministry that I didn't even know existed as a kid- ministry with severely broken teens. For most of my time at Shelterwood I was hesitant to call what I was doing "ministry" simply because I didn't have the title of Pastor or Missionary. But really? I was a missionary. I was spreading the gospel. Just not from a pulpit on Sunday mornings. I think of the passage in Matthew 25 that says 

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?"The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."

Matthew 25:35-40 

Ministry isn't always as clear cut as it appears... Sometimes it is giving money to the homeless guy even though you are worried he will use it for drugs. Sometimes it's being nice to your family even when they are driving you crazy. Sometimes it's giving a co-worker grace when they've really been slacking off. Sometimes it's taking lunch to your local police officers and telling them you appreciate them. 

I've really struggled the past few weeks with accepting the fact that I am in a season that is not exactly what I'd like it to be. I'd like to be doing hands on ministry with teens, but instead I am changing poopy diapers, and cleaning up baby throw up alllll day long. A few new opportunities have been on the horizon, but nothing is official yet. And to be honest? I am SO sick and tired of waiting. 

And yet, I think of my young, camp age self who was called into ministry and didn't even fully recognize it. I had the faith of a child. I trusted that if this was actually from God, He would make it happen, and He did just that. I didn't stress about it. I didn't spend hours crying over what I should do to make God's plan happen. I simply said "If this is supposed to happen, make it happen, and that was that. WOW. 

I think of the lyrics of the song I listened to earlier... 

I'm pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned

Struck down but not destroyed

I'm blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure

And His joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night

His joy comes with the morning

And I'm trading my sorrows

I'm trading my shame

And I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord, yeah Lord

And I'm trading my sickness

And I'm trading my pain

And I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord

For the joy of the Lord

I say, yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord

Yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord

Yes Lord, yes Lord, yes yes Lord, Amen

How powerful is that? I am now an adult, and spending so much time in this sinful world has brought on a ton of pain, shame, and sorrows into my life. And yet, all we have to do is say "Yes Lord!" And He will take away our sorrow, shame, worry and pain and replace it with HIS joy. He will give me patience, he will give me strength. All I have to do is say YES to his plan, and he will take care of all the details. How incredible is that? 

I was talking to my best friend last night and telling her how overwhelmed I've been in this season, and sick and tired of trying to figure all of this out. And she reminded me that that is NOT in my job description at all- that is only HIS job. I never thought that it would take a simple reminder of camp to remind me that I am His Child, I am following His plan, and He will protect me and guide me no matter what! 

I had a youtube playlist going while I wrote this from worship songs from my church and this song came up: 

And my heart got stuck on the part where it talks about filling my life with greater joy as I delight myself in the Lord. 

My feet are planted on this rock and I will not be shaken

My hope it comes from you alone, my Lord and my Salvation

Your praise is always on my lips, your Word is living in my heart

And I will praise you with a new song, my soul will be bless you Lord

You fill my life with greater joy, as I delight myself in you

And I will praise you with a new song, my soul will bless you Lord

When I am weak you make me strong,

When I'm poor, I know I'm rich for in the power of your name

All things are possible, all things are possible

And so now I sit here, in my favorite Washtenaw Ave Starbucks, and my heart is full. My fifth grade self has reminded me that "All Things are Possible!" I know that as frustrating as this season has been for me, God is filling my heart with greater joy each and every day that I will need to take with me to the next season whenever that may be- in a month or 5 years. So here is my random thought of the day for you.... What promises did God tell you as a kid that you've kind of forgotten about over the years? Take some time today and bask in those promises. Ask God to remind your heart what He's called you to do. It may mean quitting your well paying job and becoming a missionary. Or, it may mean taking time and talking to your kids tonight instead of watching TV. It may mean giving more at church on Sunday, or volunteering to take over the youth group. Whatever it may mean for you, I challenge you to rediscover your childlike faith, and dare to dream that God may be calling you to something more than this. 

And a little shoutout to the people at FaHoLa, thanks for running an amazing ministry where I know my life was changed along with thousands upon thousands of others. 

Summer Memories

I miss this. 

I miss moments of sweet laughter with my girls, and when "work" was simply doing life with some of the most amazing teens in the world. I miss taking a week off from our normal routine and hanging out at Camp Barnabas. 

I miss facing HUGE fears, and the tear soaked, rain soaked baby blue community sweatshirt. I miss laughing and crying with my coworkers. I miss running and screaming in the pouring rain, and playing wayyy too many rounds of Phase 10 in the Fishbowl. 

I miss Camp. I miss my girls. I miss my community. 

It's no secret that I miss my life at Shelterwood. I tell someone that in almost every single conversation that I have. I miss the craziness of my job, but also the incredible fulfillment in knowing that I was doing something that really, really mattered. And as I sat here today and memories from camp showed up on my TimeHop, I couldn't help but scroll through and laugh and cry. 

On days like today, I wish things could be different. I wish that I could be in Independence, and that it'd be last July, and I'd be working with some of the most incredible humans to ever walk on planet earth. I miss laughing, I miss late night talks, I miss 2 am Taco Bell runs, I miss sprints to catch girls walking off. I miss my roommates, I miss my mentors, I miss the big ol' tree greeting me when I came in, I miss goofy songs, dance marathons, and tear fests. I miss deep talks with my girls, and walking them through life. 

I miss my Shelterwood family. 

And yet, I am sitting here changed for the better. I am a much, much better, stronger happier person because Shelterwood happened exactly how God planned for it to happen. Yes, it hurt. Yes, I wish I could still be there. And yet in my heart I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, and I have immense peace in that. I know that God is preparing me for this season I am in to come to a close, and to start up a new one and for that I am thankful. And I know full well that I would not be prepared for this next season if these last two season did not look like exactly how they did. 

So yes, today my heart aches. I miss my community and Shelterwood friends. But I have to choose to believe that God will use this pain, and missing my munchkins for something much greater than I can ask or imagine it could be. And for that I am extremely thankful. So here's to WAY too many good Shelterwood memories, and glorious hope and expectance for many more good memories to be made in the soon future.