It's my one year. It's still hard to say that without starting to cry. I can't say that without starting to cry. I very clearly remember writing my first updates on this blog in the Shelterwood living room one year ago. I remember balling my eyes out at about this same time talking to my counselor on this very day last year begging her to tell me it would be okay to come home, and that I didn't have to do this. But I also remember something that she told me that morning: First, I needed to take a deep breath and find something familiar aka Starbucks. But second, she told me that I had spent months preparing for this journey, and that she believed in me, and she knew I could do it. I already relate myself to Katniss Everdeen on a daily basis, but today this seemed extra fitting. I had prepared for months to go into the Hunger Games: Shelterwood edition, and I was ready to win. My counselor Gina sorta became my Haymitch.
My heart has really struggled with thinking about what to write in this update... as it's likely the last one I will ever do. In a sense, my shelterwood journey is in fact over. But as I thought about this concept, I again thought of Katniss in Catching Fire. She begs Haymitch to help herself and Peeta get through the victory tour after winning the Hunger Games. She says "Please just help me get through this trip. Just help us get through!" His response? "This trip girl? Wake up! This trip doesn't end when you go back home! You never get off this train!" While in the movie this was a negative thing, I see it as a positive thing in my life. While my "Hunger Games" in the Shelterwood arena may be over, I don't ever get to get off the "Victory Tour" train. I have the privilege of still being a support for co-workers still at the wood. I have the privilege of staying in touch with my littles both at the wood, and who have already come home. I am a mentor now, and that is thrilling.
I've written many times about how my life has changed over the last 12 months. All I can say is that I have been changed for the better because I went to Shelterwood. Yes, the arena was HARD. The hardest thing I have EVER done in my life by far. And going back to visit felt like Catching Fire, visiting the arena again even if only for a short time. Do I regret going to the wood even though I didn't finish? Absolutely not. Do you think Katniss regretted going to the Hunger Games when she saved her sister (sort of..) and fell in love with Peeta? Absolutely not. However, the Hunger Games broke her sense of self. It changed her. It grew her, but she came out a better and stronger, but broken person. She still struggled with anxiety, depression, flashbacks, and pain years and years after the games were over. She wasn't magically "fixed" simply because the games were done and in the past.
I've been having quite the pity party for myself since I got back from Shelterwood. I've wanted nothing but to go back. So I've drowned myself in self pity, and moaning and complaining and trying to change everything about my life currently so I could feel better about leaving. The guilt came back, the pain came back. Everything I thought would magically disappear when I went and visited suddenly started rearing it's ugly head again. I've cried and cried the past few days because all I can think about is how my graduation is supposed to be this week. I am supposed to be preparing to come home right now, not already be home. I should have been there today to speak in person for my little's graduation, not send in a video?! Right?! Wrong.
My pain is not wrong. My sadness is not wrong. But the guilt, depression, and anxiety that I face regarding leaving Shelterwood still? That is wrong. I am not condemned by God, Shelterwood, my girls, the other bigs, or anyone else for taking steps to take care of myself. The only ones who are still condemning me? Myself and Satan. I still get so much love and support from these people, sometimes I feel like its ridiculous. Just like Katniss thought that Peeta still loving her after everything they'd gone through was ridiculous and she questioned his love for the rest of their lives.
The Sheltergames are over. I won't be in the arena anymore, maybe not ever again unless God works it out to visit the littles one last time. But the memories remain. Life changing, life altering, beautiful memories. While I am sad to see this chapter of my life finally coming to a close, I am excited to see what the next one will bring. I am still growing, still changing, still getting to know Christ as my savior, and still healing. God has brought me the most faithful, incredible, God centered community filled with mentors, and life long friends and family that I could ever ask for.
Here is an excerpt from the last book in the Hunger Games series:
"My children, who don't know they play on a graveyard. Peeta says it will be okay. We have each other. And the book. We can make them understand in a way that will make them braver. But one day I'll have to explain about my nightmares. Why they came. Why they won't ever really go away.
I'll tell them how I survive it. I'll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I'm afraid it could be taken away. That's when I make a list in my head of every act of goodness I've seen someone do. It's like a game. Repetitive. Even a little tedious after more than twenty years. But there are much worse games to play."
On bad days, it still sometimes feels impossible to enjoy the good. The guilt of leaving overpowering the joy of the day I am facing. But like Katniss, I will take that moment and start listing the good Shelterwood has still done for me- helped me face my past, helped me conquer my anxiety, taught me what unconditional love is, taught me what grace is, gave me real relationships, challenged my sense of self, grew my self esteem and confidence, and so much more.
I'm not a conventional victor. I don't get to have my graduation at Shelterwood with cheering littles and bigs, and have people celebrate with me in what God has done throughout this year. But from afar, I have friends all over the country who are celebrating with me. I have littles and bigs back at the wood celebrating with me in all that God has done. Katniss wasn't a traditional victor AT ALL. She not only broke the mold, she blew it up both figuratively and literally. I've realized this year, that God hasn't called me to follow the status quo. He's called me to shatter the mold, release the arrow, and trust that when things blow up, He's still got my back. He's called me to live as the victor that I am, and while unconventional it is a true picture of his grace and mercy that I have come out on top of this battle for my soul and spirit victorious.
Effie Trinket: [embracing Katniss] Promise me you'll find it.
Katniss Everdeen: Find what?
Effie Trinket: The life of a victor.
Here's to enjoying and finding my life as a victor.
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