I haven't posted in a while. I wanna say that wasn't intentional but in some ways I am not sure if it was intentional or not. I have had a lot going in in my personal life as well as at work. We haven't had any girls for a little bit at work which has left time for working on policies and procedures, as well as a lot of self care time for staff which in some ways is awesome, and in some ways it's really hard.
I am no stranger to self care or self awareness. Ask anyone who has ever had a deep conversation with me- I LOVE learning more about myself and how my brain operates and why I act the way I do. I love counseling, and I find it fascinating to see how we can alter our behaviors. I love it. But sometimes? Sometimes I get hyper focused on things. I get in too deep. And I get overwhelmed.
It's been hard for me to balance that over the past few weeks. I have learned a LOT, don't get me wrong. It's so so so clear to me that God brought me here for this season for a clear reason, and it has been incredible. But it has been HARD. I've been getting really wrapped up in my own brokenness, if I am being honest. And constantly asking God "How can you use me when ______ (panic attacks, anxiety, depression, whatever) keeps happening?! You can't POSSIBLY want or be able to use me when I am still this broken!"
And then I hear this song. My co-workers have often talked about how this song is basically the theme song of our ministry. And I sit here and I let the words wash over my heart over and over again as I think "It was never supposed to be this way. This is not how I planned my life at all." And yet God keeps whispering to me "I see healing beyond belief. I am not finished yet. When you see wounded I see Mended."
There's nothing I can to do lose what Grace has won. Think about that.... There is NOTHING that has happened to me or will happen to me that can defeat God's grace and love for me. I watch as my co-workers pour grace over and over again as we all navigate our own stories. We all have our pain, each and every one of us. How it comes out just looks different based on our stories.
And so I sit here sipping my coffee and all I can think is this "I am so thankful God is mending my heart." It hurts, and it is not an easy process. But as I talk to my therapist and others who I know have my back and believe in me every step of the way, I am excited. I am excited to see how God is going to work through all of this. I look back on myself a year ago, and I have changed SO MUCH. So much. I would not be able to handle the life I have right now last year. It would have been too much. And so I sit here and I think "Yes. I feel challenged right now, and sometimes it hurts and it is scary. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is bringing me the healing that I have longed for, and I couldn't ask for anything more.
So here is my random thought of the day for you today: What part of your life do you need to start seeing from God's perspective? I challenge you to bring your pain before God and ask him to show you the purpose in your pain. Ask Him why it has to be this way. Ask Him to show you how He is mending your heart. Challenge yourself to change your perspective. I am NOT saying this means to shove emotion and pretend you're happy. NO. I am saying the opposite. I am saying ask God to give you the strength to TRULY face that pain. To feel it, grieve it, and let it out. I am asking you to ask God to help you forgive people who have hurt and continue to hurt you. I am asking you to ask God to show you His grace in every moment of your life today. I hate tears. I hate crying. I hate anger- I hate yelling. I hate it all. And yet I know that God is gently helping me learn to feel and express these things in a healthy way so I can truly be the person He created me to be. And I think that is such an incredible gift- the fact that we actually have the opportunity to be healed and whole through Christ. So I challenge you today- take that step. Allow God to show you how He is mending your wounds step by step. You won't regret it.
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