I went into training acting like a know it all.
Okay, maybe that is a little blunt and maybe not entirely true. I went in thinking "I worked at Shelterwood and there is NOTHING that is going to phase me or will be harder than anything I encountered there. I've been called horrific names, been hit, scratched, had things thrown at me, and told I was worthless, unloveable, and really anything else derogatory you can think of. Bring it on, I'll show you how tough I am! Ask me any question, throw me in any scenario, I am 100% prepared!"
Well friends? That came back to bite me in the butt today. Today was the first day that training actually challenged me emotionally and mentally. I had stuff from Shelterwood triggered, and it made me start thinking things like "I am not ready for this, I am not qualified enough for this, why would these girls ever want anything to do with me?!" I at least recognized that they are all lies, but it's hard to have that kind of thinking coming in like it used to everyday I worked at the wood. My thinking patterns of "knowing it all" was a way of protecting myself. If I know in my head that nothing these girls can throw at me will be surprising or new, I don't have to worry about it hurting me because I have seen it before. But, if there are unknowns, suddenly my mind is convinced that I am not safe and I need to freak out. In reality? Thats not always true. Welcome to a mind with severe anxiety lol
We had trauma training today at the local counties children's services, and I went to my car and balled my eyes out for a good ten minutes. It all started coming back to me, the pain that these kids have gone through that NO child should ever have to go through EVER. It makes me angry, I hurt for them and their families. And I realized once again, that there is NO WAY I can possibly be prepared for every single scenario that I am going to face with these girls. Especially because I have never worked exclusively with sex trafficking survivors. And I felt like God called me out. In a loving way mind you, but I got called out. He told me: "Marissa, I am not done working in you, or through you yet. In your mind Shelterwood started and ended that journey, but I have SO much more to teach you. I have so much more life and freedom for you that is still so locked up from your own past, and it's time to keep moving forward, healing, forgiving and moving forward. We aren't done here yet."
There have been so many things that have been hard for me regarding starting this job that I haven't been able to verbalize to anyone else. It's been chaotic, as I am still driving back and forth from Michigan everyday as I wait for my cat pee filled carpet in my apartment to be replaced. Everything is chaotic, nothing is unpacked, I have nowhere to simply rest and process my thoughts. As I was crying on the phone talking to my counselor this afternoon she stopped me while I was word vomiting and said "Marissa, go find Starbucks. Any Starbucks. It's familiar to you, it's calming for you. Process for a bit and then turn on Friends. Let yourself unwind and relax for a bit." So I here I sit, in a random Starbucks just like I did so many times in Missouri simply trying to process what is going on in my own life.
I love the organization I am working for. I love my co-workers. And yet if I am being vulnerable it has been hard for me because I am facing SO much change and transition, and I don't know any of them well enough yet to really trust them and open my heart to them and tell them where I am at. It's hard, and it's challenging. There are many many many times where I am terrified that I am going to screw up, and its going to end traumatically like my time at Shelterwood, even though I have been reassured many many times that it won't. It's hard. It's messy. And sooooo many times over the past week especially I've just wanted to scream a million times "FORGET IT! I AM GOING HOME!" And yet, deep within my soul I know I cannot do that. I have a calling higher than what my feelings dictate, and I know that I have to keep going, as hard as it is.
Don't get me wrong- I LOVE my job thus far. I know 100% this is where I am supposed to be, and that has been reinforced to me over and over again by many people. It's just not going as perfectly and seamlessly and emotionlessly as I had planned it in my mind, and that is totally okay. I am transitioning, I am learning, and I am growing.
And so today, I humbly ask for your prayers as I transition into this new position. Please pray that God would continue to humble my heart and remind me that this is HIS work that I am doing, not my own. But at the same time, that He would continue to give me grace, and that I would give myself grace as I navigate this new season and so many changes each and every day. I am really excited for this new season, like really excited. My counselor has told me many many times that she sees some serious progress heading in my direction, and she is excited for me too. It's hard on days like today when I feel 100% unqualified, but I know deep in my heart that there is sooo much good that is going to pour out of this, and I honestly can't wait to see it.
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