I am overwhelmed by the fact that it is SO incredibly clear that this is where God wants me. I think I knew that God wanted me at Shelterwood as well, but I let the fear overwhelm the goodness at that point in my life and it was hard to simply see how God was working and I was SO terrified of what I had gotten myself into I couldn't focus on anything else. This time around? Completely different. Mind you, I am still afraid. Terrified might even be a good word. And yet, my mind has been blown since I started working at The Daughter Project just a short 4 weeks ago. I have been scared out of my mind, but I have been coping extremely well. This past week has been INSANE with things going on at work, and yet I have stayed level headed. Triggered beyond all belief multiple times- no panic attacks. Memories of Shelterwood flooding my mind 24/7- no panic, and really only a few tears. I've just simply been shocked, quite frankly. God has given me strength that I did not know I possessed until a few weeks ago.
I prayed SO many specific things for the season after I quit nannying. Quite frankly I prayed "God, you need to be EXTREMELY clear that this is where I am supposed to go next. X.Y. and Z all need to be realities for me to actually know completely that I am supposed to go." And then, (freakishly) all the pieces fell into place slowly one by one. I completely lost my mind quite frankly. I was terrified because in all reality? I wasn't sure I wanted to go. I was quite content being comfortable. I was content making the money I was making. I was content not having to do real work in counseling. I was content not having to use much of my education. I was content, but I was not fulfilled or happy.
And here we are. I am in a place that fits EXACTLY what I need spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. And each day it gets a little easier. I joked with my co-workers yesterday saying "I feel weird telling people I LOVE my job when sometimes my job involves insane things like chasing after teenagers who are running away from our facility, or going to court, or being yelled at alllllll day, and being called awful names. My job is hard, but I come out every single day LOVING what I do."
That being said, my co-workers. Good gracious. If any of you are reading this- YOU ARE AMAZING! I have never, ever ever felt SO loved, appreciated, valued, and cherished as these people have made me feel. They are seriously the most incredible people I have ever gotten to know. It has amazed me how God has challenged these relationships thus far, and really challenging me to be vulnerable with them and get to know their hearts and stories. I had some INCREDIBLE relationships at Shelterwood, and I still do. But there was always a part of me that felt like I never quite fit in, and wasn't able to be as vulnerable and real with them as I probably needed to be. And yet the healing God has brought from that, and the change in me He has brought through that has been absolutely incredible.
Simply in general, I have begun to see the fruit of taking a year off and the HARD work I did in counseling. I have changed SO much over the past year, it is mindblowing. In reality? I have changed SO SO much over the past two years, I don't even recognize myself much anymore. I am in the middle still of a longgggg journey of healing, but for the first time in my life I thought yesterday "I can see tangible evidence that I have healed and grown over the past two years." And then I simply smiled.
But later, those thoughts began to haunt me quite frankly. I was scared- what if I can't "keep this up" what if I fall back? What if I fail? What if it gets bad again?! And in reality? It will. But God has made it SO clear that I have entered a new season- a season of restoration. He wants to restore me so desperately to who He has created me to be. And in reality? I won't be there till heaven. But this new season, I know God is calling me to freedom- to let go of my past, and to try new and exciting things that I have spent my whole life being afraid to do. And I am excited and terrified all at the same time. As I have said to co-workers a lot over the past few weeks "It's just messy!"
I listened to the song I posted above on Sunday, as well as today and I felt that it fit well for this season and really is my prayer as I start this new journey. When I taste the goodness of the Lord, I shall not be in want. I have never ever been so satisfied with what God is teaching me, revealing to me and providing to me. As nervous as I am for this new season, I am 100x more excited to see how God is going to continue working in my life and healing my heart as well as the hearts of the girls I work with, and my co-workers. It has already been such an immense blessing, and I know there are only more to come.
I ask for your prayers, as well as support. I welcome messages, phone calls, letters, Bible verses, quotes, care packages, or anything of the sort. I am so so thankful for the community God has given me, both at home in Michigan, and around the globe quite frankly. If you are interested on how you can support the girls I work with, please feel free to contact me and I can give you some ideas!
So here is my random thought of the day for you.... In what areas of your life does God want to bring you restoration? Maybe it's your marriage, or your relationship with your kids. Maybe it's your relationship with God, or your relationship with an unhealthy coping mechanism. Maybe it's not a relationship at all, I don't know. But I do know that God is a God of restoration, and he wants to bring you that healing in ways you cannot even begin to ask or imagine!
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