This is Real.This is Me. This is My Fight.

This is Me. Marissa Ann Kulig, an almost 24 year old. 

I've spent the last 23 years being a people pleaser- always doing and saying whatever I thought everyone wanted to hear out of a crippling fear of spending my life alone. I've spent my life believing that if I don't do what people want, no one will be my friend, no one will love me if I don't do exactly what everyone wants at every second of every day. I've been tired of this life for a long time, but it finally hit me this morning: I am TIRED of apologizing for who I am! I am tired of apologizing for my personality, for my thoughts, for my actions! I am tired of apologizing and acting like something is wrong simply because it feels right for me! So here I am, I want to shout to the world, that this is who I am, and I am not going to be sorry for it anymore. My counselor has challenged me many times recently to discover who I am as a person, and not who other people say I am. So here we go. This is my shot at being real, and vulnerable, and letting you know some fun facts about my life  :) 

My name is Marissa. 

• I love to be loud, and shout random things. 
• One of the quickest ways to get me to shut down is to argue with me or yell at me or make me feel inadequate. 
• I am very sensitive to caffeine, especially Mountain Dew
• I am very very very introverted, and hate when people make comments about my introversion and how I should be different. 
• I hate small talk more than anything in the world. 
• I love deep conversations about life with people I love. 
• I hate large group things with people I don't know. 
• I love and basically live off of Starbucks coffee. 
• I hate Tuna fish more than anything on earth. 
• I love having deep conversations about faith. 
• I find church intimidating and scary sometimes.
• I am passionate about working with broken teens.
• I don't truly want a 9-5 type career. 
• I need 9-10 hours of sleep to be a nice person in the morning. 
• My dream is to be a play therapist. 
• My favorite color is purple. 
• I love the Hunger Games almost more than anything. 
• I find psychology fascinating. 
• I hate cleaning my room. 
• And yet, the mess drives me crazy. 
• I hate wiping the table and doing dishes because the texture of wet food makes me want to cry. 
• I don't like being touched unless I am asked first. 
• Yet, I love hugs if people take the time to ask. 
• I have severe anxiety that limits a lot of what I can do sometimes. 
• Sometimes the grocery store, weddings, or really any "crowd" of people is overwhelming to me.
• Sometimes, I have panic attacks over nothing in particular. 
• Sometimes, I get angry over small things and might yell a lot. Or not at all. 
• New people that I don't know scare me a whole heck of a lot. 
• I hate elevators and escalators and have gotten stuck once. 
• I love to be crazy and sing at the top of my lungs. 
• I love to read books, and would do it all day if I could. 
• I love coloring books, and children's movies. 
• I love spending time with my inner child and doing "childish" things
• I have many "toys" to help me cope with anxiety including stress balls and a "calm down jar" filled with glitter, colorful beads and other wonderful things :) 
• I tend to speak my mind, and some people don't like that. 
• If I could figure out how to get all my thoughts into a concise fashion I'd love to write a book. 
• I have a hard time connecting with people sometimes, and it drives me crazy. 
• Sometimes I hurt people unintentionally and I have a hard time forgiving myself. 
• I had to leave a job I loved because of my mental health and I hate it. 
• I love color, and pictures. 
• My walls are covered in pictures, quotes and memories. 
• There are things from my past that have hurt, but have made me who I am so I do not regret them happening. 
• I want to make a difference in the world more than anything. 
• I need times of quiet with no interruption every day or else I go crazy. (Hence Starbucks dates with myself)
• I love when people are intentional with me. I love when people take time to ask me deep questions about what I think about things. 
• I hate it when people act like their needs are more important than my own. 
• I HATE when people make assumptions about my character, especially if they accuse me of lying, being selfish, or not being genuine. 
• I've been in counseling for a long time, and have no intentions of stopping anytime soon. I find mental health fascinating and love talking about it with people. 
• I love painting, drawing, coloring, and really anything to do with art. 
• If I had my way, I would move to London and never move back to the States. 
• I hate when people don't take the time to understand me, and when I don't take the time to understand other people. 
• My best friends live all over the country and a lot of time I hate it. 
• I have a hard time making new friends. 
• I hate when people imply that I should be married or in a serious relationship because I am "already" 23. 
• I hate when people ask me if I have tried dating websites or "getting to know people" 
• I want to be a wife and mom more than anything else on planet earth, but am not in a rush to get married at all. 
• I am not friends with everyone in my life, and I don't like everyone in my life, and that is OKAY. 
• I am not going to change what I believe simply because you told me I am wrong. 
• I am more likely to not do something if someone attempts to make me do it, or tries to guilt me into doing it. 
• I HATE being manipulated. 
• I am a huge fan of checklists. 
• I love trains and model railroading, and one day want to have a finished basement with train stuff everywhere! 
• A lot of time, I feel like I just don't fit into a lot of areas in my life and have spent my life desperately trying to fit in. 
• I have battled, conquered, and battled again anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, thoughts of self harm, overeating, under eating, and everything in between. And for the first time in 23 years, I've started actually loving myself as a person within the last year and a half. 
• If you try to talk to me about stuff from my past, I might flip out cuz a lot of it is still emotionally charged. Don't take it personally. 
• I love to work out, but often need someone to keep me accountable :) 
• I am unique, quirky, and sometimes a little weird. There are a lot of things that make me unique, and a lot of things people love about me, and a lot of things people don't like about me. But in the end, God made me this way and I am choosing to love myself despite my flaws! 

I've spent the morning as I wrote this listening to "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten. 

This is how I have felt today, and what I feel like this blog post does for me: "And all those things I didn't say, wrecking balls inside my brain. I will scream them loud tonight-Can you hear my voice this time?! This is my fight song! Take back my life song! Prove I'm alright song! My power's turned on! Starting right now I'll be strong! I'll play my fight song! And I don't really care if nobody else believes-'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me!"

This is my way of holding myself accountable to myself starting today, and everyday I am taking back my life. I do not need to be ashamed of who I am, how I act, or what I do. I ask if you've read this, hold me accountable. If you notice I am saying sorry for something I shouldn't be sorry for call me out on it. If you think I am overreacting to a situation, call me out on it (gently. And not in front of other people) chances are I feel misunderstood and would love to talk to you about it when I am not anxious and freaking out. If you need a work out buddy, come join me in Canton. If you want a Bible study partner, text me. I'm not going to spend the next 50 years of my life being ashamed of who I am. Because in reality? Some of my "quirks" that some people cannot stand God has already used in BIG ways. Like the fact that I hate small talk? I have gotten to know people based around the fact that we both hate small talk. My weird obsessions and reserved personality have opened doors for me to connect with kids that extroverted people never could get to say a word. So before you go judging me, arguing with me, or trying to change me please talk to me! 

I want conversations to come out of this. I want to connect with the REAL versions of my friends and family, not the versions society and other people have made us believe that we have to be. 

This is my fight, and I've still got a lotta fight left in me.