"I'm not ready to be a mom."
Luckily for me, I am not pregnant. Or even engaged, or in a relationship at all so that's not something that I need to worry about for the present moment. However, this thought truly caught me by surprise as this is something that I say that I am ready for and want ALL the time. I talk to my best friends on a regular basis saying to them "I'm just ready to marry my Jesus lovin' country boy, adopt my puppy, have some babies and be a mom!" I sometimes sit and think "Holy crap- I'm 24, and still haven't had a relationship. This is NOT what I had planned for my life!" But as I pondered this thought the other day, it really gave my heart some clarity and peace that I have been praying about recently.
I realized there are MANY reasons why I am not ready to be a mom, and also not ready to be a wife. And I am not about to throw typical "I need to get my relationship with God to my top priority so he'll give me a husband first" type reasoning.
The first reason? I am in a selfish season aka learning how to make myself my top priority for the first time in my life. The concept of Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last (aka JOY) can be really dangerous. If you always put others before yourself, you will burn out. I have done this in some form for 24 years, and I finally burned out when I came home from Shelterwood. For this reason, I have HAD to make my own needs my top priority in order to get back to the joy I find from serving others. Sometimes I have to choose working out over talking with a hurting friend because my body needs the physical outlet instead of helping someone I love. And that is OK. I'm finally realizing that. Telling people no does not mean I do not love them. I also LOVE having freedom to make my own choices- like if I want to go to Starbucks after work I can. I don't need to worry about picking up my kids from daycare, or making dinner, or running late for soccer practice. I can do what I need to do for myself whenever I need to, and that is a blessing for this season. For that reason, I wouldn't be physically able to cater to the needs of a husband or kids right now. Thats where my heart is, its what my soul longs for. But, I physically can't right now and that is completely okay.
The second reason- I am just now learning who I am as a person. For my entire life I have let other people determine who I am as a person. I have let them give me labels both positive and negative, and let others direct my choices out of fear of hurting them. I told myself for a long time that my life would be "complete" when I got married and had kids. But I've learned through a lot of counseling that my wholeness cannot and will not ever come from or be dependent on other people. If I continue allowing other people to direct who I am, I will never be who God created me to be. For that reason, I have to figure out who I am, and who I want to be before I am able to have a true, fulfilling relationship with a husband, and be able to be a true role model and example for my kids.
The third reason? I am just establishing the building blocks and foundation of my faith. Yes, I have been a "Christian" my entire life. I've gone to church, I know the sunday school answers. However, I've only found true freedom in Christ and in my faith within the past year and a half of my life. I am in a season of rapid and foundational growth, and I spend much time developing my relationship with God on a weekly basis. For that reason, I need to continue growing before I can expect myself to parent kids in a godly manner. I want to be a faith role model for my kids. I want to be able to challenge and nurture them as they grow in their dependence on Christ. And if I am still a baby in my faith, it would be like a baby leading babies. I am thankful for this season of learning so that I can learn how to help my kids grow in their faith when I am blessed with that opportunity someday.
The fourth and final reason? I've got a lotttt of broken pieces that are just, just starting to be cleaned up and be put back together. I've mentioned before that I've struggled with anxiety, depression, bad eating habits, severe anger issues, manipulation, and serious trust issues along with many many other things. As much as it kills me to be patient, and work through these painful things, I do not want to pass on these issues to my kids. They deserve to have a mom who loves herself enough to face her past, conquer her issues, and learn how to take care of herself properly. I want to learn how to cook healthy meals for my kids. I want to learn how to deal with my frustrations so that I don't end just shutting down and screaming at people when I get angry and overwhelmed. I want to continue to learn how to accept and give love without being manipulative about it. I want to continue to develop my personal boundaries so that I can learn to love and trust my future husband. A marriage is supposed to be focused on Christ, love and trust, and the marriage is the center of the family. I am not in a place right now where I can leave my past in the past and focus positively on the future. But, I have made immense progress over the past few years and I am super excited to see where I am at in a few years and God brings me into the relationship I have prayed about and dreamed about for my whole life.
As much as this season is frustrating and painful at times, I am daily choosing to remind myself that it is a blessing and this is just a season. I want to look back on my single years when married and get to tell my kids awesome stories about how I used this time that God has given me and the exciting things I chose to do during this time. Until then, I will be praying for my future family and my future husband each and every day. And who knows, I might already know my Jesus lovin' cowboy, and I just don't know it! I'll just have to wait and see!! ;)
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