I've told myself a lot of things about this next season.
Like today? I told myself I wasn't going to cry when I finally said goodbye to my baby. And I held to that, until about 3:00, and then I lost it and cried off and on for the next hour and a half.
Some people say that nannying isn't even a 'real' job.... Well guess what? I think it is a very real job. My heart thinks it's a very real job and got very attached to a certain 11 month old who I've spent more time with over the past 8 months than I have my own family.
I've watched myself as I have anxiously waited and waited and waited and counted down the days till I was done since I applied for my new job back in June. I thought I was tired of nannying, I thought I was ready to be done, I thought I was ready to move on. And in the last moments of my work shift today, I started questioning that and feeling like my whole world was unraveling. I felt like maybe I am making a huge mistake by leaving, and starting over somewhere fresh and new.
And yet, I went through the exact same change of emotions when I went to Missouri.
Except, there was a difference when I went to Missouri. In the words of my counselor, I used Missouri to try and run away from everything I've known. I thought I could start fresh and leave everything and everyone behind me and never ever have to look back.
But thankfully, the people I tried to cut out for months while I was in Missouri took me back with open arms when I returned home unexpectedly. And I started a job. A job that I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to do, but I knew I needed to do something.
And soon enough, I loved this child. I loved this child as much as I love my Missouri girls. When I came home 11.5 months ago, I was not functional. I can't tell you what I even did the first week and a half I was back. Mostly laid in bed and watched movies. I barely ate, I barely slept. I talked to no one other than my therapist and one or two close friends. I was completely broken. But once I started nannying, suddenly I had purpose again. I had a child who needed me to comfort him, feed him, soothe him and love him. I may not have been able to feed myself, but I could feed Elliot. I may not have wanted to go for a walk, but Elliot needed it to help calm him down, so I did it.
And slowly but surely, this job played a part in walking me out of one of the darkest seasons I have ever known.
I remember sitting on their couch one morning and thinking "It's time. It's time to go back to the work God has called me to. The season of rest is over." and I just sat there, scared out of my living mind but knew it was time to take steps to move forward.
As frustrated as I was that it took all summer for me to get this position figured out, God knew I needed the time. He knew I needed to adjust, to grieve, to prepare, to learn to cope, and to let go. I wouldn't have been ready to start my new job a month ago like I planned on. I needed this time to truly prepare for the next season.
So now I sit here at my Starbucks where they greet me by my first name and know my order by heart, and I am trying to let myself just grieve. And hurt. And know that while as hard as it is to let this season go, a new season is coming. One of growth, renewal, hope, and laughter, and joy. It will be different, and it will be hard, and probably not at all what I expect. But it will be good, and I look forward to it. And this time? I am not running. I have prepared and prepped and prayed for this season like it's nobody's business. My counselor told me yesterday how proud she is of me because I am really trying hard to put myself in a good situation that will work well for me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
And to Elliot, thank you. Thank you for your smiles, giggles, hugs, slobbery kisses, laughter, tears, selfies, and everything inbetween. You've taught me more about unconditional love than I ever knew I needed to learn and I am going to miss you with all my heart.
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