You Better Believe You Are Gonna Hear Me ROAR!!!

I'm not really a Katy Perry fan. I don't like to promote her lifestyle or many of her choices. But this song and Firework are two of my top 10 favorite songs of all time. 

I've been doing a LOT of thinking and praying about where God is leading me next. Once I decided I no longer wanted to do Child Life, I felt kind of purposeless. I knew that God was calling me to do something big, but I didn't know what. I had some ideas, but I was too afraid to admit that I had these ideas because I told myself repeatedly that I wasn't capable of accomplishing these ideas. Well guess what? I realized something today. Without God, I am not capable of accomplishing these ideas! 

I am about to be more real on this blog than I have been in the past. I won't go into why I struggle with these things but I will be real: Over the past few years I have struggled with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, insomnia, and probably a list of other things. It has been a really, really tough road. I have gone through fire to get to where I am at today. I have worked on healing past hurts that have made me hurt more than any physical pain ever could. And yet, its invisible. Most people don't know you're struggling. Many people would not know that I've struggled with these things without me saying it. And I am still healing. Over the past few months, I've been trying to decide how to move forward next, and really seeking God to see how he is going to use this pain for my good and for the good of others. 

Broken families, especially kids (and those who are now adults) who experienced any kind of abuse as kids hold a special place in my heart. Im not just talking simply about kids who were in situations so bad that they were taken out of their homes. Im not just talking about the kids who've been sexually abused by obvious molesters. I am talking about kids who are emotionally abused, verbally abused, physically and sexually abused not only by their parents but by any adult in their lives. I'm talking about kids whose parents neglect them emotionally not because they don't love them, but because they simply don't know how to show their kids love properly because they were not shown love by their parents. Im talking about the kids whose parents don't realize how harmful it can be to yell at them, but don't know any other way to make their kids listen. I'm talking about all of these scenarios. But heres the thing: It's not the adult's fault. Yes, they are technically the one doing the abusing but they don't necessarily know any better. You wanna know whose fault it is? SATAN'S. He would love NOTHING more than for families to keep falling apart and for children to keep growing up into adults who feel that they are worthless and not loveable. But you know what? It's time for the church to stand up and do something about it and stop pretending it isn't happening! I believe that abuse infuriates God. He does not want anyone harming his children, and there will be severe punishment for those who abuse children and do not repent. But even those who are guilty of this can start over fresh and new in the hope and saving forgiveness of Jesus Christ! 

This is the first time I am publicising this, but I am going to now because I know that I can accomplish this dream through the help of my Rock and Foundation Jesus Christ. This is what I want to do with my life: I want to get my masters degree in social work and work with a church to provide counseling, healing, and help to broken families, especially those experiencing abuse. I want to work on the front lines providing shelter for those children coming out of abusive homes and make sure that they have Christ centered homes and shelters to stay in until we can help their parents cope with the issues they are facing and make the abuse stop. Sometimes, that can't happen. Sometimes kids do need to be removed from their homes and sever relationships with their parents. And I want to work with them to make sure they get the healing help that they need. 

I want to make sure that parents have resources- a place to ask questions and not be judged. I want the church to stand up and say "Let me help you!" instead of glaring and judging parents and simply shaking their heads at them. I want parents to feel like it is safe to admit that they don't know what to do, and they can admit that they may have hurt their children in a place where the goal is not to judge them or take away their kids but to HELP them.  I want to give parents parenting tips and classes so that the physical abuse stops. I want to teach parents how to communicate with their kids and how to show them true love. I want to help parents heal from the hurts from their childhoods so it doesn't have to carry on to their kids. 

I want to provide foster parents with proper training so that they can recognize when a child is experiencing a flashback or a panic attack. I want to remove foster parents from the system who are abusive themselves and causing kids more trauma. I want to get kids away from molesters and sexual abusers and help those people find Jesus but make sure they never work with kids ever again, and if it is parents that there is an accountability system and healing process to fix the problems this creates in a family setting.  I want to show all these horribly hurting people that there is hope and healing in Jesus Christ!

My struggle with this? I have a ways in my own healing journey to go before I can help families like this. I have told myself for SO long "You will always be too affected by your past to help others. You might as well stop trying." and I realized today that that is nothing but a lie from Satan! I made the decision today that I am no longer going to fight healing and the pain I need to face, but work towards true healing and forgiveness so that I can teach others how to find this freedom that I have already started to discover. I'm not going to stay quiet anymore. I'm not going to bite my tongue and agree with everyone because I am scared. No. God has an awesome plan for me, and it's time to put this plan into action. Get ready because I have had enough of this simply "surviving" thing I have been doing for a while now. I ask for your prayers and support, as it's going to be a difficult journey, but I know that I can do it through him who gives me strength! It's time to put back up a fight and you're gonna hear me ROAR! 

Life Is Not a Snapshot: It Might Take a Little Time to See the Bigger Picture

I haven't written in a long time. In short- my life has been one crazy roller coaster ride from about November till legit this morning. I've barely had time to stop and take a deep breath at the end of each day much less write a blog post about what God has been teaching me about it. But today, after yet another problem occurred I finally found some relief, peace, and calmed down enough to share some of this crazy ride with you! 

As you know from my last post, my life has changed quite dramatically since I decided to quit my internship. I have been looking for a job outside of Child Life and have been extremely frustrated since it has been 2 months and one day since I graduated and I am STILL jobless. (there is a bit of sarcasm here. I should also note that I am technically employed by Concordia. I just mean my dream "real" job hasn't magically landed in my lap yet.)

On top of this, my car has been dying, my phone randomly shuts itself off approximately every hour (with no upgrade available till October) and I have been increasingly realizing how stinkin expensive the adult world is! (especially Ann Arbor!) I hit a point last week where I was like: SERIOUSLY?! As much as I love my parents, the idea of moving back home and having to depend on them again has not sounded all that great. College has taught me to be semi independant and I would like to keep it that way. But with how things have been going, I've been headed in the direction of moving home in a month and being unemployed. Yay.

And then today happened. I tried to drive to church and my car completely died. The transmission went out- meaning no driving anytime soon for me. I went back into my dorm room frustrated, angry and mad at God for not letting me go to church when that is where I needed to be the most! I sat down and said "God, meet me where I am at. I am frustrated and angry and I need some comfort! Show me that where I am at is not in vain!" After some random searches, I found this:

PLEASE watch this if you get a chance. HOLY MOLEY. My mind was completely blown. I am a very visual learner, and Christine's way of describing things and using analogies worked SO perfectly for me! She used the analogy of a dark room developing negatives to God shaping and molding our lives. She talks about how God uses complete darkness and pain to do a "chemical processing" to remove all the bad qualities from our old identities that the world gives us, and makes us into something totally brand new and beautiful- a photograph worth hanging on the wall, his pride and joy.

As I watched this video and laughed and cried in amazement I realized this: God has me EXACTLY where I am at for a reason. My dream is to eventually work with families but especially girls who have experienced all kinds of abuse. I want to help families heal and make changes so that we can reduce the number of kids being abused in our world today. I am hoping to get my masters in social work so that I can provide family therapy and turn it into a ministry with a church someday.

But that being said- I will be working with very BROKEN individuals. People who have experienced pain at unreal levels and have no real idea how to trust people or how to trust God. They have to re-learn how to experience emotion and learn how everyone in the world is not out to get them. Healing is a HUGE undertaking that can only be done through Jesus Christ. But what I realized today is that God has me where I am now, and where I've been in my past so that he can have me help these broken families in the future! I have experienced the pain and heartbreak in my life to be able to relate and help these families in need. Through my pain, I can lead others to the healing love of Jesus. When I used to think about this in the past I would say "That doesn't make some of the stuff I have gone through worth it" but as I thought about it today I thought "Yes. If my story can bring one more person to Jesus, then it is worth it!"

The other point to her sermon was this- God doesn't work like Instagram. Our society is SO used to instant gratification that if we told most of the kids from this generation that we used to have to wait three days before we could see a roll of film and 3/4 of the pictures wouldn't turn out they probably would stare at you like a deer in headlights. They are used to selfies, and if you don't like it you delete it. God is old fashioned, and our lives are like old fashioned film. It's going to take time.

I LOVED when she talked about King David and the time between when he was anointed to be king, and when he actually became king. She said it was approximately TWENTY YEARS. TWENTY YEARS?!?!?!? 20 years to be prepped and trained and molded by God to fulfill his purpose. Wow. And here I am whining because it's been about 6 years for me since I started my healing journey. That simply BLEW MY MIND.

So as I thought about all of this, my mind simply became at peace for the first time in months. I don't know where I will be in a month. I have a job interview lined up, but you never know. But for the first time (possibly in forever!) I am not worried about it. I know that God has it worked out already, and I just need to spend some time in the dark room before this picture develops and I can add it to my photo album of life.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you expecting God to change your life in the amount of time it takes to post it to Instagram? Or are you in it for the long haul and running to the darkroom to be developed? Trust him. Trust his timing. Trust the darkness. It's going to be okay. Don't fight his timing, trust his purpose. If you would have asked me about this yesterday, I would have said something COMPLETELY different to you. You really never know when your time in the darkroom will be over and morning will surface! Trust him!

When it Turns Out Your "Calling" isn't your Calling

For almost as long as I can remember I have known what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to work in the medical field in some sort, and help families experiencing chaos become calm and peaceful. I wanted to work with kids experiencing tragedy and help them learn how to cope. After years of searching I found my "calling"- Child Life.

I pursued this career hardcore- After much research, tears and frustration I applied to only one college- Concordia University because they had the best Child Life program in the country that I could find. I started school here at Concordia, and began my classes and began to uncover what it meant to be a Child Life Specialist. And to be completely honest- I loved it. As I dove deeper into learning about family systems and psychology, I began to fall in love with my degree.

But here's the part I don't talk about much in public about my college life (although if you truly know me at all you know this is true).... I am not the "ideal" student by any means. I was often not paying attention in class, barely read my textbooks, and was always finishing assignments at the last minute. While this was not any different than how I was in high school, college magnified the problem... I was hesitant to apply for things like volunteering at the hospital, my practicums, memberships in things like the Great Lakes Association of Child Life Professionals, or the Child Life Council. I would spend nights over the past summer crying in my room because I knew I needed to fill out my internship applications, but I just didn't want too. I turned almost everything important in late, or right on the deadline and would get mad when people would say things like "If you were more passionate you would have tried harder to get this in on time." On the outside, I would get mad, but on the inside deep down I knew that they were right.

You see, as much as I tried to fake and make people believe that my education in college was my focus and reason for coming to Concordia, it wasn't. And I didn't truly realize that until a few weeks into my Child Life internship. I was not as dedicated to my chosen career as I originally thought I was. As I started my internship, it just wasn't clicking. I just wasn't passionate about Child Life and I could not figure out why. Here is another part where I am going to share something that the majority of you know, but many do not- I have a therapist. I have been going to counseling since I started school here at Concordia for various reasons. After many many talks with my academic advisor Prof Doyle and my counselor Gina I came to this solid conclusion: I don't want to do Child Life anymore. No, its not because I don't see the value in Child Life, or because I don't want to work with sick kids. Those were two aspects of the job I loved. What I hated was ignoring the other "junk" that was going on in families lives and having to pretend that it didn't exist for the child's "benefit". No. I couldn't do that for my entire life. I have seen firsthand what happens when you shove and ignore pain and hurt and I couldn't bring myself to be encouraging families to do just that. No, I have been called to something more than this, and God will use my past to help the families of the future.

This was not an easy decision to come to.  There are many, many more reasons why I decided to make this change, and if you are interested in what they are, feel free to ask me. I have had MANY people freaking out, asking me if I am going to graduate and whatnot. I just want to take this moment and say YES. I am graduating, and I am on track to do something amazing with my life that God is directing I just don't know what it is yet. I am completely at peace about the decision. Yes, I have cried a few times but the decision has been so God oriented that I just can't argue this time.

The day I was meeting with my academic advisor and my supervisor at Beaumont the verse of the day for chapel was this: "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:2 My mind was blown just a little bit.... God is cutting the branch of Child Life off my tree. It was fruitful, helpful, and necessary for many seasons, but it is no longer bearing fruit. My study notes talked about how the branch being cut may be extremely painful and it may take quite a bit of time to recover and adjust to no longer having that branch. But in the same way, God is pruning the branch of Family Life and helping it to bloom into something more incredible and useful than I could have ever imagined.

I thought that I was coming to Concordia to become a CCLS. I thought that I was coming to make some new friends, and make some great memories. I thought that I was coming here to sort out my past in counseling. But in reality? I came here for a completely different reason: I came here for Jesus to change my life. I came here for him to become the center of my world and heal my heart in only ways that he has been able too. I came here so that he could show me a purpose for my past, and teach me how to use it for his glory in the future. So no. I don't really fit the mold of "ideal student". But in God's eyes, I am PERFECT. And his plan is unfolding in glorious ways and I cannot wait to continue to be a part of it.

This "Game" Called Life

So, I have been slightly obsessed with the Hunger Games over the past few weeks. I have watched it at least 6+ times in the last week and am planning on watching Catching Fire for the first time on DVD this afternoon. Obsessive, I know. I was talking with my best friend Becky last week, and I was saying to her that I just don't understand how a movie about killing people can be so fascinating and teach you so much about life. I was worshipping in church the next day and God gave a connection from the Hunger Games to my life. It gave me a whole new perspective, and really challenged my relationship with God and deepened my love of the Hunger Games.

Our life here on earth is the arena. We are fighting every day to our death, although there is the main difference that there are a lot more survivors than one. We encounter SO many challenges in this life, just like Katniss does in the games. We get burned, and attacked, and experience love and death and friendship. Some days we go hungry and others we have plenty to eat. We get sick, and people that we love and cherish die. But we know and have hope in the fact that because of Jesus, we will win this game and defeat the gamemaker and go to heaven with Jesus! But in reality, it is a longgggg journey to get there that takes endurance, faith, trust and hope.

Satan is the evil gamemaker, and God is in ultimate control of the game, even over the gamemaker. Think of him as a good and kind President Snow. Nothing will be done without him having control over it, and to me that is comforting even though sometimes the things he allows to happen will still hurt us. Jesus is our Haymitch. He talks with God about us and helps us through this game of life that he has already won and he believes in us that we can win too, as long as we let him help us through it and we accept the resources he gives us to help us.

If you have seen the movie or read the books, you know at the beginning Katniss is somewhat stubborn and does not want any help from anyone. Haymitch tells her the key to survival- Letting people help her, and letting them get to know her and like her. This is a HUGE challenge for Katniss and it is for me as well.

I thought about my life over the past few months and I see so much of myself in Katniss. Some days, I am just angry that this game is so hard and that I have to fight in it! I don't want to have to deal with the challenges, I just want my life to be easy. I especially do not want to depend on others for help. My internship has been super challenging for reasons that I will not post on this blog but I have not wanted help from anyone. I have felt that my attitude and my actions have been screaming to others and to God "CAN YOU NOT SEE I'VE GOT THIS?! STOP TRYING TO RESCUE ME. I'M FINE."

I've had fire wounds all over me just like Katniss did in the games. She tries to soothe her wounds using water. In the short term, it helps and is soothing but the relief doesn't last. We do the same thing in life- we use anything we can think of to heal our pain but in reality there is only one person who can give us the healing medication we need- Haymitch. (AKA Jesus)

How long will you keep fighting healing? I've been fighting mine for a long time, so I am truly not one to talk. But as you watch the film, you see this moment of desperation on Katniss's face and Haymitch knows he must help her and when he does she will accept it and he sends her the healing medicine. Jesus is the same way. He sees your pain and he wants to fix it SO desperately. You just need to surrender and accept his help. It won't be easy. It may be degrading, challenging, and more painful in the process but it will be SO worth it.

I have been on this healing journey for a long time, and sometimes I wonder when I will be "done". But realistically? Katniss faced new challenges in the game every single day and was not done until she died. Our lives are the same way. But we will win this fight, remember you are already a victor, so live like a victor and trust that Jesus will take care of you!!

So Happy Hunger Games, and remember the odds are in your favor!

2013: Incredibly More

2013. 

Here we are. New Year's Eve, the last day of 2013. I have spent a lot of time thinking over this past year over the last few weeks. If I had to summarize this year in one word it would probably be Wow! Many times I have compared my life to a rollercoaster, full of ups and downs. But truly this year has had more ups and downs than I have ever experienced in any other year.

I want to share a few of the amazing highlights from this year:

This probably looks like a simple notebook to most people. But to those who know me well, this is no simple notebook. I started this book at Passion last year on January 1st. I have written in this notebook at almost every church service and some chapel services that I have gone to over the course of the entire year. It shows the struggle, the power, the love and the immense changes that I encountered and struggled with other this year. As I wrote on the last page today, I cried as I saw the incredible power of God inscribed on every single page. God absolutely changed my life this year, and this book only shows a slight sliver of his incredible love, mercy, and power.
Here a few excerpts from my journal:

Both of these were from Passion 2013

This has been by far the absolute greatest blessing of 2013. I can legitimatly say that at this time last year I felt spiritually dead. My connection with God seemed so distant and strained that I was beginning to wonder if it was really worth all the work I was putting into it. But then I realized: My salvation is not based on any of my works. It's not based on how often I sing or read my Bible. It's not even based on how I feel. It's based on my faith and my relationship with God. It is based on him loving me SO much that he died for me. And realizing that broke so many chains in my life and gave me the freedom to be who he created me to be. If nothing else, 2013 will be a year because of this. 2013 is when my faith became my everything.

I also turned 21 this year! It has been an interesting feeling being a full fledged "adult". One thing I realized this year though is that no matter how old I get I will always be a child at heart. My love for coloring books and disney movies is not going away any time soon and I am totally okay with that!! :)

My peanut Levi also turned one this year! It has been so fun to see his personality start to come out and see him grow up. He is adorable and I love him more than words can say! :)

I got this bracelet in March. February-April were some of the hardest months I have ever had to face in my entire life. Every single moment, every breath I took was a struggle. The moment I got this bracelet was when I started to slowly come out of this "funk" and it is a constant reminder to me that while on my own I am not strong enough, it is through Him who I get my strength and He will always be strong enough!

This year, I completed my last semester of being on Spiritual Life. I had the privelege of being the SLR of Silas this past semester, and I am so thankful that God put me in this position when he did. I learned so much from my co-leaders and my residents and made memories I will never forget. My time on Spiritual Life over the past 3 years absolutely changed my life. It has challenged my faith in ways I cannot even describe and made me learn to defend my faith in new and incredible ways. This is one of the things I will miss the most about 2014 and onwards!!

Lonnie passed away on June 1st, 2013. While I did not know him very well, his life challenged my faith and lifestyle in ways I cannot even explain. I had the opportunity to love on and play with his grandkids and simply love his family. My aunt Denise also passed away later in the fall. This was another hard time for my family and helped us to grow in our faith and dependence on Christ.

I got to sing the National Anthem at the Detroit Tiger's Game! Yeah. It was pretty legit!!

I got my spring internship placement at Beaumont Children's Hospital in Royal Oak! I will be working in the Emergency Department and I am super excited!

I also completed my last Tool Time this fall. It was heartbreaking, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Tool Time has changed my life in soooooo many ways and I am so thankful that I could be a part of such an amazing group of people! 

I sang in my last choir performance as a student in December. I will sing with the choir one last time at my Baccalaureate service in May, but I will be in cap and gown instead of a choir robe!! :) 

I got to go to Frankenmuth and Bronners with my best friend for the second time in my life! It was tons of fun and I loved celebrating Christmas with her! 

Finally, the last biggest blessing of 2013 has been this girl right here. She has walked with me, cried with me, yelled with me, eaten with me and laughed with me through every moment of 2013. I never thought that I could get to know someone so quickly and grow to love someone so so much. No matter what situation we have faced she always points us right back to Christ. I couldn't ask for a better sister in Christ or a better best friend!


So thats it. Thats a small peice of what I experienced for 2013 and that barely scratches the surface!!! So my random thought of the day for you and and the end of the year is this: Pay attention to the small moments. Even the tears, and screaming. Because when you look back you will realize that these small moments are the ones that meant the most. I am praying for you all as you complete this year and look forward to starting 2014.

He is my Everything

I am sitting here in my bedroom just a few short days after finishing my last undergrad classes. As I have had this free time over the past few days, I have began to think over my time at Concordia and especially looked back over the last year of my life and been incredibly amazed by how much I have changed in the course of one year.

Many people say that you will change the most during your Freshman year. College is new, and exciting and fresh. But I beg to differ, or at least say that I did not follow this idea. I would say that the most change in my life occurred during my Junior to Senior years of college.

As I look back over this year, I have encountered an incredible amount of challenges and blessings both with friends and personally: New life, death, disease, suicide, depression, finances falling through, relationship struggles, huge faith struggles, friends graduating, internships, practicums, and being taken far out of my comfort zone are just a few. And yet somehow? We overcame them all. How? There is only one answer: Jesus.

A year ago? My faith simply part of me. Yes, I was a Christian. I knew the Bible school answers and could walk the walk and talk the talk. I was a "look good" Christian. I could quote a million Bible verses about persevering through trial and simply "Trusting God". But really? Truly? There were some days that I didn't believe one word of what I said to other people. I would tell myself "Oh yeah, that is true for them but not for you." My faith was part of my life, but it was not my identity. I so desperately wanted my faith, for God to be everything to me. But He wasn't. And it literally took me walking through the valley of the shadow of death for me to get what it means for Him to be everything.

Now? Today? My faith is everything to me. My Bible, My Jesus-my Savior and Friend are how I I function and survive every day. His saving grace has never been more real to me and his love never been so alive and real. My identity is found soley in Christ Alone and I would not want to have it absolutely any other way. As I look back over this year, and I see how he legitimatly walked with me and talked with me and comforted me through these deep valleys, my heart cannot help but fall in love with him. He listened to me during nights when I would scream and cry to him about how I did not understand his plan or his word. He would gently hold me as I questioned if he was real or if he was really with me. He kept whispering my name as I screamed his name trying to find him. And he showed me finally how to be still, and listen for his voice and realize he never stopped calling my name.

So I sit here. After a year that has been beyond crazy and I cannot help but be beyond thankful. I would not change one challange that I faced because it led me to the greatest, loving, most selfless relationship I have ever encountered in my life. And that is incredible to me.

So this is my random thought of the day for you: Don't give up. Keep fighting. When he is all you want, you will find him. He will reveal himself to you in ways you cannot imagine or expect. Keep screaming, keep crying, keep hoping. He hasn't left you and he never will. And when the storm calms down, and you fall into this place of realizing that you have had everything you have ever needed the entire time, it will all be worth it in the end!

"For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help." Psalm 22:24

Alone. 

We've all been there, whether you are brave enough to admit it or not. That moment of despair, that hopeless, heart wrenching, breath stealing, excruciating time of pain. That time when you feel that no one on this earth could understand the trial you are facing. You feel utterly and hopelessly alone. And to be honest? You are probably right. There is no one on this earth who can probably understand your pain or problem in specific because it is unique to you. I don't know about you, but that is a really terrifying thought. I will admit to you, there have been many, many, many times throughout my life, especially over the past few years that I have felt alone in my times of struggle. It is terrifying, heart breaking, frustrating and confusing. I struggled for so long to connect these times to my faith as well.

I have many, many memories of crying out to God, begging him to just show me how he was still with me, to give me even a moment of comfort and a true realization that I was not alone in the deep pain that I was facing. A lot of times? It appeared that nothing happened. I would pray, and I would still feel the same: awful. This caused me to question my faith many times and wonder "God, why should I believe you when you say you never leave me?! I feel so alone in this trial, I beg for your comfort and presence and here I sit, hurting and hopeless!" I would get sooooo angry because I felt that not even God or Jesus could relate to my pain, much less anyone on earth. I would cry in frustration thinking "Jesus doesn't know what it is like to feel alone. God was always with him and he never doubted it like I do. He had no question that God was with him at all times! Why should I think he can relate to me and my pain?!" 

At Tool Time this past weekend, a guy I go to school with named Thomas was one of the speakers and spoke on this very topic. Through his message, the Holy Spirit showed me a very, very clear realization: Jesus can in fact relate to my pain! Thomas first talked about the guilt we experience when we do something wrong. That awful, gut wrenching, I sorta wanna throw up kinda feeling. He said "Times that feeling by every single person ever in existence and put that on Jesus. Imagine that. That is how he felt on the cross!" That, in itself was a mind-blowing revelation for me. But then he took it one step further. 

He talked about the part when Jesus screams "My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me?!" I have heard and read this statement probably over 200 times over my life. But I have never honestly thought it through. Ever. Until Thomas talked about it on Saturday. Think about that statement for a second.... Now, I don't believe that God actually abandoned Jesus at the cross. No, he promises never to leave us and that is the beauty in this that I will talk more about later. BUT. I do believe that God allowed Jesus to feel as if he was truly alone, if even for just a few minutes before he died. Jesus understood what it is like for us when we feel like God has turned his back on us. He gets it. Did you catch that?! Jesus felt alone! He can relate to us in our times of immense trial and unexplainable pain and suffering because he has been there and done that! WOW. I don't know if that is as mind blowing of a revelation for you as it was for me, but my mind and heart have not been the same since that night. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I can apply my faith to the pain I face! Hallelujah!

So here is my random thought of the day for you: You are going to feel alone at some point in your life. It is truly inevitable. BUT. The beautiful thing is YOU ARE NOT ALONE. NOT NOW, NOT EVER. Yes, you are going to feel like you are at times and it will be very, very hard and very painful. But you know what? God is right at your side, he hasn't left you. And Jesus? He is your homeboy. He has got your back. He has been there and done that. You know when you find someone who can kinda relate to your situation? and you are like "OH MY GOODNESS! YOU TOO?!" Thats what Jesus is for us! No matter what trial or temptation or sadness you are facing he gets it! And he will sit with you when you feel alone and just cry it out with you and be like "Dude. I remember what that felt like. Holy cow. WORST MOMENTS EVER. But you know what? I'm in eternity now with our Abba and it was SO worth it. And I would do it again in a heartbeat just so that I can share these moments with you and you can eventually come spend eternity in heaven with me. So come sit with me, and come hurt with me and we will get through this together. Because I am NEVER going to leave your side and you will NEVER be alone!" So, the next time you are simply feeling like no one can comprehend the pain you are in, run as fast as you can to the arms of Jesus and let him hold you and cry with you. He will carry you through this my friend. You are not alone!