"A Chain is Only as Strong as It's Weakest Link"

"A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link." I remember the first time I heard this quote. I believe it was my Junior or Senior year of high school and one of our first soccer practices of the season. My coach had us all sitting around him and he had a long length of chain that were all connected in a circle. Each one had a tagged piece of tape to it, and he passed it around and had us write our initials on it. He explained that much like this chain, our team was only as strong as our weakest member. It was vital that we all worked together, and that we didn't leave the weak behind, but come behind them and help them keep up with the rest of the team. That is what I LOVED about playing soccer at WCA. Coach didn't care if you couldn't play a lick of soccer. All he cared about was that you were willing to work your butt off, willing to learn, and willing to treat every person on our team as your family and trust them with your life. That was it. He didn't kick people off due to lack of skill, (thank goodness for that in my earlier years haha) he literally only kicked people off due to lack of commitment to the team, or performing poorly in school. And let me tell you- our team kicked BUTT. We went from a "club" team (basically not recognized by MHSA as an actual team) to my coach ONLY letting us play public school teams because the other private school teams didn't challenge us enough to prepare us for districts early in the season. WHAT?! Like how is that even possible? He took a bunch of girls who had never touched a soccer ball plus girls who had been playing since they could crawl and taught us how to communicate, play well, and kick butt, and most importantly have the time of our lives and find a sport that we loved. Everytime we failed, he told us to get back up and try again until we mastered what he wanted us to do. And we became an almost unbreakable chain because we honored our weaknesses.

I was thinking about almost the opposite of this concept earlier today. I have had "Break Every Chain" by Paxton Ingram (The Voice) on repeat alllll day y'all. My Pastor- Pastor Bill (PB) has been bringing the word, and the Holy Spirit has been showing up in church the past few weeks like nothing I have EVER experienced. Extremely powerful worship and sermons. And yet what have we been talking about? Persecution. God taking us WAY outside of our comfort zones and doing life with Him, His way, 100% trust. And let me tell you- if that doesn't scare you on some level you my friend are a liar. PB was praying with me last week, and said something so profound, it has shaken me up even a week later. He said "Marissa, you have done ministry out of your pain. But this next season I believe that God is calling you to do ministry from your place of victory. But, you don't know what victory is yet. And that is what is going to be start doing with you- teaching you about life as a victor." Honestly yall part of me wanted to be like "What do you mean I'm not a victor?! Do you know what my life has been like?! I'm still alive so I am a victor! What the heck!" But deep down, I knew he was right. Y'all my life hasn't been easy. On the surface to some it looks like it has been, but on the inside I have been fighting a lot of battles for my entire life. I have had many pictures in my mind of being chained up- crying, screaming, fighting, raw, bleeding, desperately trying to get those chains off so I can be free and live my life. And yet no matter what I tried I could NOT get them off. I lived many years in straight up despair, because I truly saw no hope for my life even though I still 100% called myself a Christian. For years people told me "Jesus. Jesus will break your chains." and I was honestly like "BYE. I don't want to hear it. I don't need help. I can do it myself." I was VERY stubborn. (Both sides of my family are extremely stubborn.... what can I say lol) And yet, I finally have started coming to a place of surrender over the past few weeks/ months. Granted, I've had to "surrender" many times throughout my life but this is a level I know that I haven't reached before. 

I was praying about my chains, and praying for Jesus to break them a few weeks ago. I was praying about them again today, and I remembered that quote from above and I realized the key- Jesus knows the weak spot in my chains and he can break Every. Single. One. Every time the song gets to the the part saying "I hear the chains falling" I get the chills because I have literally begun to experience the chains that I have experienced since childhood simply start falling right before my eyes. I've begun to experience real freedom, but also with that real grief and pain as I begin to truly see what the life God has for me looks like. 

As I have been navigating this journey, God has really been calling me out on my heart. Man, I thought my heart was "pure" until we started looking at the fruits of the spirit today..... Like have you ever thought about that? Like if you are actually living in Christ, your life will reflect those fruits. I hope this is a reality check for you as much as it was for me. I thought I was doing pretty well simply because I've started reading my Bible more, and actually praying regularly and whatnot. But the more I learn what my masters voice sounds like, I realize that there is SO much more to faith. There is so much more to prayer. God has begun showing me that this next season is about me learning to love people well who have hurt me, even if they aren't in my life anymore. Our thought have power. Our emotions have power. And it matters where our "power" is coming from yall. If it's coming from our chains? We are gonna stay chained up. If its from Jesus, well stand back yall cuz the chains are coming down. And what's sad? For most of my life I was a "look good" Christian. I went to church 2x a week, prayed sometimes and could answer all the questions in Sunday School, and went to a Christian school, and had Christian friends. As far as I was concerned, I was good. I had my "get out of hell free" card and I was golden. Right? Wrong. Y'all. Jesus has SO much more life for you than this! I remember conversations with a sweet friend from college and she would cry because she was never really sure if she was going to heaven because she wasn't sure if she was following all the rules correctly and that truly consumed her faith life to the point where her fear overshadowed the freedom that Christ already won for her. It still breaks my heart everytime I think about it. Jesus has life that is SO much more abundant than what we can ask or imagine if we can get ourselves to take the leap of faith and trust him. And that is 100% what Jesus has been asking of me the past few years- to give up my perceived control, and to just let him drive.

You see, I used to be much like my old friend from college. I used to be SO scared of God- like if I didn't pray for someone everyday God was just gonna decide that I wasn't good enough and not let me into heaven. But y'all that's not Jesus. I never wanted to pray, read my Bible or even do ministry because it all felt pointless, and like it would never be enough to please him. But that's not the purpose! The purpose is to build relationship with Him, and get to know His Spirit, so that when the time comes and he asks you to go in 100%, you know your masters voice and you jump in 100%.

I know this has probably been ALL over the place. At least my brain feels like it is.... But this is my random thought of the day for you: Are you still living your life like a chained up victim? Or are you living life as a victor in Christ? Yall I NEVER thought I would find freedom from some of the chains that are breaking in my life.... like honestly. And I've loved Jesus as long as I can remember. Can I challenge you sweet friend, will you consider letting Jesus break your chains? Will you consider trying to pray? To try reading your Bible? To ask the hard questions? He so desperately wants to break your chains, and I know 100% He will. You just have to ask him. Thats all. Yall I have watched as my "prayers" (if thats what you want to call them...) for people who have REALLY hurt me go from "Jesus please punish them" to "Jesus, help them find freedom in you. How can I love them well?" Don't be afraid to be angry- He can handle your mess. He can handle every one of your chains even if those chains are abuse, rape, porn, murder, lying, stealing, adultery, loneliness, depression, anxiety, pride, and ANYTHING else. He can do it sweet friends. And I can't help but just want to share this with everyone I know, because I want you to find his freedom too.

So can I challenge you today? Find some time today to go sit with Him. Tell him why you don't like Him, why you are angry and want nothing to do with Him. Take time name your chains. Start asking Him to break them. He's got you friends. And your chains are NOT too much for our savior. If you read this, and need someone on your team to go to battle with you- please feel free to contact me. I'd honestly love to be praying with you and for you for the chains you need broken!

Grief is Really Just Love

I was emailing my old boss Jane the other day asking for a graduate school reference, and also talking about my old job, and the changes that have taken place over the past few months. I realized I didn't ever turn in my keys, and asked Jane what I should do. She replied telling me that the church who now owns the house changed the locks, so in reality I could do whatever I wanted with them. I can barely find words to describe what happened next..... It's almost as if ice went through my veins, and I felt like I was going to throw up all at the same time. 

This is our home. It's not being used as a safehouse anymore, so I can finally share where I basically lived for the past year and a half. I spent more time crying, laughing, grieving, playing, planning, and just doing life in this place then I think I have anywhere else in my life. I went back to the house in December, and took a few minutes to just sit and cry, and collect some items of mine that were in the house. I always planned on coming back and dropping off my keys later, and giving myself space to really say "goodbye" but could never bring myself to do it. And then I got Jane's email, and my blood went cold when I realized that I would never set foot in Hope's House again. Ever since September, I have been holding out hope that we would get to start over, and that we would get up and running again. But after a FB a month ago from our former director, I realized that those dreams were probably over, but still held on to a glimmer of hope. Then came Jane's email, and it was like the final door slam, with a big ol' padlock and crushed the remainder of hope that I had. It was all over in a matter of seconds. I couldn't breathe, and had to simply go lay down and cry.

I wish there was someway to know beforehand that it was going to be my last time doing something, so I could mentally prepare and grieve. I don't handle change and transition well at all. I've gotten better, but it's still like pulling teeth slowly when I know change is coming. Heck, I even mentally prepare myself for the last bites of my food. Like when I eat Lucky Charms? I make sure marshmallows are my last bite. It's just how I roll. So unexpected "lasts" don't really go over well with me. 

I found this song last week, as I was processing the huge amount of grief I have to work through from the past few years of my life post college, and I feel like it is super fitting for this situation, and many more. It talks about how we go through many "deaths" in our lives, and yet there aren't funerals for these events: end of relationships, moving, losing a job, etc. There is no mainstream grieving process, no one drops off food, or sends cards, or lets you take off work. And yet, the pain is the same. 

I've been thinking a lot about a few relationships that I have lost over the past year. Some have just faded due to time passing and things changing, but one relationship seemingly changed overnight, and its been hard for me to finish letting go. I thought of the last time I saw this friend, and we said goodbye at the airport. I was crying, and as I think back on it it was like my heart knew that was the last time we would hang out as "friends" as our relationship fell apart a few mere months later. I haven't really let myself fully grieve the loss of this relationship- I've been slowly holding out hope that this friendship will repair itself. When in reality? It's over. And I don't think that I really realized that until yesterday. In a sense, just as the locks got changed on the house, the locks got changed on that relationship too. I am not going to get to have the final "moments" of my choice, and control the situation. And in reality, that leaves me with a choice. Do I continue on, holding out hope and pretending nothing has happened? Or, do I choose to let myself let go and grieve?

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Have you taken time to grieve the deaths in your life that didn't have a funeral? Can I encourage you to do just that? Take time, listen to the song above. Let yourself grieve those losses, even though they aren't technically a real death. In some ways, I am not sure our heart knows the difference. It only knows that it is in pain, and desperately wants to let it out. I read a quote earlier today that said this: 

It totally changed my perspective of grief. When I think of all the love I miss pouring out on my girls, on my friends, and other people, it all makes sense. And as I navigate this "grief" or overflowing of love with nowhere to go, it challenges my thought process. It makes me want to find a new place for all that love to go, which gives me the courage to let the tears out, and let it all go. I want to challenge you to think about doing just that. Allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes up, and think about new places where your overflowing love could go. It won't be an easy, but as the song says you will soon see that life can and will be sweet again, and you will find places for all that love to go again. 

Farewell, 25

In just a few hours, I will be 26. It's still kind of hard to believe honestly, a lot of times I still feel like a baby, definitely not an adult. I have to be honest- I am looking forward to my chocolate cake tomorrow about as much as I was in these photos!! I mayyy have even gotten myself a chocolate cupcake to eat at midnight ;) 

Birthday's used to be so exciting as a kid, I would lie awake the night before, my blood pumping with anticipation- taking cupcakes to class, my birthday party with my friends, and for one day being the center of attention, and loving every minute. Because let's be honest, if you know me at all, you know I HATE being the center of attention on ANY other occasion. If I am being honest though? I am STILL that excited about my birthday. I have no exciting plans, just dinner and cake and ice cream with my family, and probably celebrating with a friend in a few days. But I simply love my birthday.

A lot of people hate getting older.... I am reaching an age where people now don't ask "Oh! How old are you turning?" When they hear your birthday is coming up. And part of me has to wonder, why not? Why the heck do we care how old someone is? Why is it embarrassing that we've survived another year on earth? I hate to get all deep, but I am about to. A few years ago, I was struggle bussing hardcore. I had a lot of stuff going on mentally and emotionally, and I didn't see much value in living anymore. Granted, I never acted on those thoughts but there were times when it got pretty bad. Each day that I woke up alive was a victory during that point in my life. It was too hard to take life year by year, or even month by month. I had to choose to survive literally minute by minute. I remember my therapist Gina telling me at one point "Marissa, the only one who can save yourself from yourself is you. If you don't help yourself no one else will be able to either." That really hit me hard, I decided I had to choose to live, and I did just that. 

And so here I sit, a good 5 years later. I won't say my life is perfect by any means, but I am definitely not living in that dark place that I was almost 5 years ago. I was sitting on my couch earlier and thinking "Wow. I am really excited for year 26. I am SO happy I am older!" We complain about getting older and yes, our bodies do start aging and falling apart. But getting older has been such a blessing in disguise for me. I have learned so much, and have begun to experience what life is really all about.

Take year 25 for example- I successfully lived in a new state for over 1 year by myself. I managed my first apartment, car, and everything that came with it. I lost some extremely important relationships, and gained a few new ones. I've lost around 30 lbs, gotten my eating and exercise on track, and am able to manage my mental health 99% of the time. I tried new foods, explored new places. I cried many tears of sadness, but also laughed till I was crying more times than I can count. I truly feel that year 25 I grew up. I became an independent adult. I dared to start dreaming again, and I am honestly just so excited to be alive, and for what the next few years of my life will bring, which is much more than I could say even 2 years ago.  

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you thankful to be getting older? Are you thankful for another day to live, breathe, eat, praise God and just be? Or are you whining, complaining and embarrassed that you are ______ years old? Can I challenge you to take a step back, and be thankful for all the time on earth you have had? For the people you have met, the lives you have changed? For all the ways God is still going to use you? He's not finished with you yet.

So here's to year 25, thank you for changing me in ways I couldn't have expected or imagined. I can only hope and pray that year 26 is filled with as many challenges, moments of joy, growth, and excitement! I am not one bit ashamed to say I made it through another year on earth. I am almost 26, and I am proud! 

If You Want to Do Big Things, You Have to Make Big Asks

I remember sitting in my high school Bible class as a Sophomore in High School, as John Zylka, our Director of Campus Community was teaching that day. If you know Mr. Z at all, he is quite the guy. His stories are incredible- from his fire fighting days, to teaching, to simply being a parent, and doing life with a lot of kids and teens, this guy has seen and done a lot. It is also commonly known that Zylka knows EVERYONE. You need a connection with the Detriot Tigers? He knows a guys. Michigan Football? He knows a guy. Someone from Mott Children's He knows a guy. It really is amazing in the grand scheme of things... Zylka started at my school when I was in 7th grade I believe. Maybe 8th. Can't really remember anymore. But that first year he made it known that he wanted to know every kid in the school by name, and he wanted to know about your life. He also made it know that if he accidentally called us by the wrong name, he would buy us anything we wanted from Subway. And he did just that. He didn't have to buy a ton of subs, because once Zylka knows you, he knows you. But he did buy subs, he even bought one for me at one point. And Zylka would always tell us that that is what is important in life- it's not about the money, it's not about the job. It's about the people. Get to know the janitor, ask them about their day, sincerely. Talk to people. Find ways to love them. Because in the end, its the community that you build that will help you when you need it, and you will help them in return.

So back to Sophmore Bible class. Zylka was teaching and told us that we would be working on a semester long project, something to benefit our community, and we each had to work on an individual project. He also told us that he wanted us to dream really, really big. Like finding a cure to cancer big. He assured us that we wouldn't succeed on our big dream this round, but that we needed to find that willingness, that drive to chase that dream. I can't remember the story exactly, but Zylka was in a position where he needed a helicopter for something. Not exactly something an everyday civilian can get their hands on easily. He told us the story, and eventually he secured a helicopter (or whatever it was he needed. That's not the point). I remember him saying very clearly to us "You guys know why that worked out? Because sometimes when you want to do big things, you have to be willing to make big asks! That's what I want you to do with this project.... Go make some big asks, and make a difference!" 

Sitting there at 16 years old, this hit me hard. As a very shy, quiet person any sort of "big ask" seemed beyond terrifying. And so after a few weeks as I developed my project I determined I was going to sell candy bars, and collect food for Hope Clinic, a local food bank and help location for those in need in Ypsilanti. My big ask? I contacted local stores, and asked them to donate money or boxes of candy bars for me to sell. Sam's Club awarded me $25, and I was beyond thrilled. I ended up raising around $125 for Hope Clinic, and brought in a few boxes of food/non perishables. For me, this was HUGE. I never expected to even raise $30, much less over $100.

Little did I know that this service project led to me having a leadership role in Beta Club my Junior and Senior years of high school and leading monthly collections of food and non perishables for Hope Clinic the rest of my time at WCA. We donated hundreds and hundreds of boxes of food over the next couple years, and it even continued for a while after I graduated. All because I dared to make one big ask.

I'm sitting here at Starbucks as I often do, contemplating and processing my life. I will be 26 in less than a week, and in short this year has been CRAZY. If you had told me at this time last year that I would be sitting here a year later basically unemployed, broke, and clueless about next steps I woulda been like "OH HECK NO. We aren't doing that! NO WAY. I know what I am doing, and where I am going, and that is NOT IT. I won't let it get that bad!" And yet, here we are. It's moments like this that make me thankful we aren't allowed to know the future... because if we were, I am pretty sure most of us wouldn't live to see it.

My life from December 2017 to the present has been extremely difficult to say the least. I quit a job I loved, because the parent I worked for was literally insane, and making my life a living hell. (Just ask my roommate lol) I thought I'd get a job in a week, and things would be fine.... they weren't. Christmas rolled around- still unemployed. Then, I ended up with food poisoning, and things kept going downhill. I finally landed some part time work in January, and have justtttt barely been squeaking by financially. After getting screwed for a 3rd or 4th time with a family telling me they were offering me a full time position, I decided that something needs to change, because I cannot survive under this amount of financial stress for really any more months.

So last Friday, I made a daring decision. I decided to start applying for jobs in Michigan. People, by Monday I had eleven interviews set up. ELEVEN. After MONTHS of nothing, ELEVEN INTERVIEWS. To say that I got overwhelmed was an understatement. By Monday afternoon? I was offered a job. Granted, I couldn't take that job because the pay wasn't going to be worth it for me to move back, but still it was an offer. I sat down Monday afternoon, straight up panicking realizing I was going to have to make MAJOR life decisions pretty quickly if one of these jobs does pan out. I talked to my dad, and my therapist Gina, and both reinforced one thing: You have to do what's best for you. My internal response?!: "NO. I DON'T FEEL LIKE AN ADULT RIGHT NOW. I NEED AN ADULTIER ADULT TO MAKE THESE DECISIONS FOR MEEEE!!!!" After some tears and tea, I calmed down and started handling things like an adult, I am happy to say!! ;)

I sit here almost a week later in the same Starbucks, and I am simply overwhelmed by what God has shown in the past week. I feel like the widow in the Bible with the little oil left that didn't run out as I went to pay rent this morning and still somehow have SOME money left in my bank account. Don't get me wrong- where I am at is NOT a good place. I am NOT happy to be here.... But, I know darn well it is where I need to be, as uncomfortable as it is.

My thought process went back to Zylka's Bible class this morning.... He challenged us to make "big asks" in every part of our life- physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. All things. As I sat this week applying for jobs, and doing phone and in person interviews. I have been making big asks. I have been asking for more hours, and more pay. I have a degree, and I know that my skills are worth what I am asking for. I realized this week that I want to do grad school online, through a Christian university which is NOT what I would have said had you asked me even two weeks ago. I am being brave, and asking God to help me find a job that will give me enough financial security to meet my needs so that I can focus on school full time, and go back into doing ministry eventually as a therapist. A few weeks ago? I would have been afraid to admit any of this outloud. Afraid to admit that I have dreams, and I want to chase them again, because I am SO terrified of failure because of how hellish the past few years of my life have been. And yet I just kept hearing Zylka's voice saying "Marissa, if you want to do big things, you have to be willing to make big asks." And just as God worked through my "big ask" in High school, I know that He will work through my "big asks" now.

So here is my random thought of the day for you: Are you willing to make big asks to accomplish your dreams? Are you willing to trust God with your hopes and dreams? Are you willing to go through whatever it takes to get there? My dad and Gina both said something to me similar on Monday: You say you want to go to school- but are you willing to do whatever it takes to make going to school a reality? Even moving home for a few months, going to school online, working a job you don't "love" etc.? Are you willing? And I realized that before this week. I wasn't honestly. I wanted a cushy, easy life, and was waiting for things to be simple and easy before I started dreaming again. And I realized that is NEVER going to happen. I am going to HAVE to dream and jump off the ledge if I want to accomplish my dreams. So I just want to encourage you today- Where has God been nudging you to take a leap of faith that you've been quietly ignoring, or waiting for a "better time"? Can I challenge you today? Make a big ask. Tell God your hopes dreams. Ask Him to show you how his plans play into some of those hopes and desires. Be willing to make a Big Ask and ask God to close the doors that are needed to lead you where you need to be. It will be hard, scary, draining and probably awful. But you will not regret the end result- I promise. I am calm, feel secure, and excited even in the face of unemployment simply because of what my pastor reminded us all of on Sunday: I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God. And God calls me to a life of freedom, joy, and adventure THROUGH Him. And so because of that fact alone, I am taking these leaps of faith, and daring to believe that God is good, He will come through, and I will accomplish His plans for me, one step at a time.

This Is Me

"I am not a stranger to the dark

"Hide away", they say

"'Cause we don't want your broken parts"

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars

"Run away", they say

"No one'll love you as you are"

I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I'm meant to be, 

This is me!

Look out 'cause here I come! And I'm marching on to the beat I drum! I'm not scared to be seen- I make no apologies, this is me!"

I cried harder in counseling today than I have in a long time. I have been so frustrated by this last season..... lots of pain, transition, change, chaos, and just plain insanity. I've watched as 90% of my friends have either completely walked out of my life, or just simply can't find the time to talk anymore or meet up when they happen to be home. I cried as I talked about spending my entire life apologizing for who I am, for things that I like/don't like. I cried as I talked about trying so hard to get everyone in my lifes approval over and over again simply to be shut down over and over again. I have found myself in a season of limited community, few true friends, a job I can mostly tolerate but not love, and just pain and frustration. I got out of counseling and saw a facebook post I honestly wish I would have never seen, and was just physically and emotionally spent for the day.

I called one of my best friends, and asked her if she wanted to hit up Chick Fil A and the movies tonight. She suggested we go see "The Greatest Showman". I was kinda neutral on my desire to see it, and decided why not. Yall. It's rare that I cry in movies.... like really rare. And this one almost had me in tears. I resonated with the characters in a way I never expected. While I am not the bearded lady, or 8 ft tall, or 750 lbs or albino or any of the other things that made these characters unique- I am human. And I think everyone in their life has at least one season where they just feel like they don't fit in, or don't belong where you are stuck. Unfortunately, I have felt this way many, many times throughout my life. 

I watched as the Showman abandoned his values and kept pushing for his dream, forgetting the whole reason why he started in the first place. I watched as his crew was repeatedly told they were worthless, ugly, stupid, and shouldn't show their real selves over and over again. But finally, they hit the point where they have found their family, and they are proud of who they are. They stop apologizing for who they are, and drown out all the haters. They realize there is a place for them, they are not worthless. I have listened to this song over and over again since we left the movies. It was just the boost I needed today. My counselor tells me this in every session- she always tells me that she is proud of me, thinks I am great, and worthy of love. Getting words like that from your counselor is kinda like getting them from your parents.... on some level you know it is true, but you feel like they have to say it because they are biased haha But as I thought about my counselors words today, and listened to these lyrics it really hit me.... I am done apologizing for who I am. This is who I am meant to be, and if people don't like that, then good riddance!

I know the people I am thinking of will probably never read this, and if you do, I am glad because I want to say this: To all the people who have walked out of my life in the past few years, to the people who can't find the time to pick up the phone, respond to texts, grab coffee, or really involve me in your life at all: Thank you. You have caused me a lot of pain- I am not going to sugar coat this. You've made me question who I am as a person, and made me wonder what's wrong with me that you can't find time for me anymore. I do get it on some level, life happens. People move, get married, have kids, etc. But in a day in age where it is easier than ever to keep in touch with people, I find the lack of connection simply irritating and careless. But that being said, I still thank you. I miss some of you terribly to the point where it physically hurts, and a lot of times I cry and wish for the past. But I am DONE apologizing. I am done making excuses for you. I am done trying to bend my life around to make it work to try and keep you in my life. I am done putting my life on hold hoping you'll come back around. I am DONE putting myself second to make everyone else in my life first. And if you don't like that? Good. It makes it easier to see who is really for me when push comes to shove and no one is around. Some people may read this and think I am angry at these people: Oh, don't get me wrong. I am angry. Angry that I poured my time, emotions, money, and love into relationships that disappeared like dust overnight. But from anger can come a lot of beautiful growth. I wouldn't have had the courage to post this a while ago. This isn't me being passive aggressive either- so don't think that. Everyone who I am thinking of when I write this I have had a similar conversation about this with many many many times. And if I haven't had that conversation with you, it's not about you. So stop worrying about it. Thank you for walking away. Thank you for giving me the courage to stop apologizing for who I am. Because of all of you, I will NEVER apologize for who I am, try to change who I am, what I want to do/be, or lower my standards for anyone ever again just to attempt and find love.

I am brave. I am bruised. This is who I am meant to be. This is ME. 

So this is my random thought of the day for you: DO NOT change who you are for the sake of others. Do not apologize for who you are, and who you want to become. Life is too short to have people in your life where all they are gonna do is keep dragging you down. There ARE people who will love you JUST as you are. There ARE people who will love you despite your scars. There ARE people who aren't going to walk away because you are just "too much". There ARE people who aren't going to tell you that you are being selfish and self centered because you are putting yourself first for once. There ARE these people in the world. They are REALLY hard to find. My counselor tells me that every session as well. But I know that there is a place for me, and I am not going to stop fighting until I have my team who loves me for all that I am, all that I was, all that I will be, and isn't gonna just disappear. So watch out world-

Here. I. Come. 

How Big is Your Brave?

 We've all heard the song. (If by some chance you haven't a link to the music video is at the bottom of the post) It played on every radio station, every day for months just like every other popular song. And yet, this song has always challenged me in a way that I haven't really ever been able to put fully into words.

I was listening to Brave as I was working on an assignment for counseling last week. There has been some stuff that I have needed to process and work through that I have just not had any interest in facing up until now. The past year put me through the ringer emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically and I finally decided that I have had enough. I have had enough of doing everything to please everyone around me, and never putting myself first. I have had enough of letting my physical, mental, and spiritual health be all over the place. I've simply had enough. And as I have talked about with my counselor many, many times I came to the same conclusion- the only one who can do anything about all this crap is me. And so I took a step as I was sitting journaling, and I honestly thought "What would happen if I was brave?"

What would happen if I said what I wanted to say? What would happen if I was simply just me? What would happen if I was brave enough to really give up my poor eating habits? What if I was really brave enough to actually start my days in prayer? What would happen? My first thought "Well. Everyone and everything good will be gone." But what if my definition of "good" isn't accurate? I've had a lot of really "good" relationships with friends over the years. And yet, the older I get the more I realize that a lot of those relationships were unhealthy, partially because of some of my actions, and partially because of actions of friends. I truly believe my definition of "good" needs an overall. Because in reality? There are so many things I associate with being "good". We say all the time that God is good. But we also say McDonald's is good. (Don't get me wrong.... I love McDonald's but I know darn well it's not good for me.) Both cannot be good. We talk all the time about how God has "good" things for us..... But what if our definition of "good" is flawed? It scares me sometimes when people tell me that God has good things for me, because "good" has not always been "good' throughout my life. And yet, what if we really (and I mean really, seriously) took the time to reassess our definition of good? What if we were brave enough to sit down, and really ask God to show us what Good HE has for our life, and not what the world's definition of good is?

I took a huge risk this week, and I decided to open up the box of things that I haven't been dealing with emotionally in counseling. The things in the box? They aren't good. They are traumatic, painful, and ugly. Some of them are even under the disguise of good like moving away, or graduating college. But they still hold immense pain for me. And by finally letting them out the good finally gets to be what it is: Good. And the ugly goes away. The pain goes away. While it hasn't yet, I know full well it will because Jesus was brave enough to take every ounce of my pain with Him on the cross and it died 2000 years ago. I just gotta stop letting it stick around.

So here is my random thought of the day for you.... How big is your brave? Are you willing to slow down this year, and let God make your "good" actually be good? Are you willing to reassess your life, and really acknowledge that while things haven't gone as you have planned, maybe God actually can make them good? Can I challenge you? Be brave. Call the person you are fighting with. Make an appt. with a therapist. Stop eating the junk food. Challenge yourself to see the goodness of who God has created you to be. I know you are brave enough to do it!

Happy New Year's (gri)Eve?

No shame- I ugly cried in church today. Like tears flowing, nose running, the whole shebang. At first I was embarrassed, I mean who REALLY wants to ugly cry at all, much less at church am I right? And yet here I was, ugly crying as women from my church were around me praying for me, and I honestly can't think of a better way to end 2017.

Many of you know, 2017 has put me in the ringer mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually over and over and over again. I have felt like I have been treading water in an endless sea of storms the entire freaking year. In December I became unemployed for the second time in 3 months. I have worked for appx one month since the month of September which means Marissa's finances = no bueno. And so here I was sitting in church, being prayed for,  and God and I had a bit of a chat as well.

You see, I try to be a pretty positive person even though my nature is to be a "glass half empty" kinda girl. I usually can roll with the punches, and get back up again after setbacks with little trouble. But this year? Man. This year has been a whole different beast. My pastor was talking about how he wants our churches focus to be health in 2018- health spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. He talked about how God has called us to all of these things, and as we are a living temple for Him, it is our duty to take each of these areas of our lives very seriously. He encouraged us to take a minute and set goals, and think about how we honestly struggle in those areas.

As I sat there pondering over the past year, and how I want 2018 to be different ( this was NOT the first time I have done this.... I have been anxiously awaiting the new year for many months now) There was one word that kept coming to mind to describe my 2017:

Grief

I lost a lot of things this year, things that I can't even really put into words. And I sat in church today realizing just how angry at God I still am for where I am at right now. I realized how angry I am that I no longer can go to my job that I love, and because of one person's choices SO many people's lives that I love went to shreds in a matter of months, and the after effect dominoes are still falling more and more each day. I cried hard, heavy tears as I asked God why he called me to ministry only to have my entire life and everything that brought me joy and security completely ripped away from me. I cried wondering why I moved out of state again, only to long to be in Michigan every moment that I am stuck in Ohio. And as I sat there and cried, I didn't get any answers. I didn't even really get any comfort. I felt worse honestly. I felt angry and alone. (I know, this is probably not the "uplifting" Christian blogpost you were looking for today... my apologies.) 

It's been a few hours since church, and my heart still feels depleted, but I came to my Starbs because it's where my heart processes best, simply trying to find a glimmer of what God may be teaching me through this intense season of pain. And these few brief thoughts came to mind as I sat here, it felt like Jesus whispered to my soul

"Rissa, I want you to learn to grieve."

I've always struggled with grief. I hate crying. I hate being sad. I hate it. I just want to forget things and be done. And yet, this year has held so much pain,  I cannot simply push it away anymore. There is too much. I have to learn to release it. I have to learn to let it go, to let the pain ooze out, and heal. 

God gave me a picture in church a few months ago. I was in a boat with Jesus, and unsinkable boat. Logically I knew it was unsinkable, but that didn't take away the fear. Waves could still crash in the boat, things could still break. But Jesus promised me we would get to the other side of the ocean if I just stayed calm, and let God steer the boat. I bravely nodded, and sat down. Well today? That picture came back to me at church again. Only this time? I was running around the boat like a crazy person. Yelling, crying, freaking out everytime water entered the boat. I had my back turned to Jesus and was screaming "WHY WON'T YOU JUST SHOW UP?! MAKE IT STOP I AM GOING TO DIE!" And yet where was Jesus? He was standing behind me the entire time. He was saying my name over and over again, trying to get me to come inside out of the storm, but I couldn't hear him and I refused to look for him. Today in church. I finally looked for him. I fell down, worn out and defeated and badly injured from the storm, crying so, so hard. He wasn't mad at me though. He simply said "I'm still here. We are going to get to the other side. Just breathe."

I usually spend my New Year's Eve blog post reflecting on the blessings of this year, and all the lessons I have slowly learned. But I just don't have the emotional capacity this year to even fake it. And I feel like that IS the lesson I have learned in 2017. I have spent literally every moment of my life doing everything possible to please everyone in my life because I am terrified of them leaving me or hurting me. I haven't been the priority of my own life entirely, ever. And I want a family and to do ministry, but it's like you always hear: You cannot pour from an empty cup. And I am finally empty, and ready to be filled, made new, and ready to start over. 

So this is my last random thought of you for 2017- It's okay if your year completely sucked. It's okay if you don't have the energy left to say "I'm blessed! Praise Jesus!" and all that Christianeeze we love to shout when we are actually hurting. If nothing else, the end of this year has shown me that I have a LOT to grieve from the past year, and that is 100% okay. Don't get me wrong, good things happened too. I made new friends, found an eating plan that worked for me, got back into running, read tons of new books, and so much more. And I know that 2018 will be filled with blessings and trials just like 2017 was.

So my goal for 2018? My goal is to grieve and to let go of as much of the pain of the past that I can manage. My goal is to keep running to Jesus with each step that I can take, and to become even more dependant on my relationship with him. My goal is to continue getting 100% healthy, and discovering the girl God made me to be, instead of the girl who has simply been surviving the past 25 years. Happy New Years my friends. I hope and pray that God reveals to your heart and minds the plans He has for you this year, and that you discover more of Him each and everyday.